How $$ do you think a D is going to be?

How? VAR is Spying 101 and you haven't done that yet...

Your H has a SSL (Secret Second Life). That is the type of person who gets angry and gaslights the BS for having trust issues...when really they are the ones hiding something.

I am not surprised that she is recently divorced. It is hard to have a happy M when one person is getting ENs met outside the M.

Dr. Harley says that when one EN is met outside of M, it is a matter of time before the others are to follow.


Your H knows that his relationship with his "best friend" is bad for your M. I would bet real $$ on that. The problem is he has been cake-eating for so long, it is going to be very difficult for him to give that up and you can't "talk" him out of it. He is going to want to have to change on his own. Plan A, including exposure, followed by Plan B if necessary, are your best bet.

When you exposed, who did you expose to? Did you ever talk to the best friend's H to get his take on their "friendship"?

Also have you read the "Carrot & Stick" thread?

If my FWW ever told me something like that, we'd probably be D'd now as well!



..but he's sent her a picture of his genitals and a video of him masturbating?

That OW should have no place in your M, now or in the future.

That was a different OW, this is his so called "BEST" friend for 20 years. if he doesn't think having female friends are NOT ok in a marriage.

She is divorced because her H had an physical affair and left her for another woman.

Sadly enough he doesn't knkow that there is anything wrong with it. Hsays that she had nothing to do with the affair. I put her in the middle of our problems.

I did not expose to her H because they were already divorced. I did expose affair to his "best friend hoping that she would talk some sense into him. HEr reply was "Atleast he didn't physically f@@@ her like xxx did on me.
I have exposed to my family and his mother. He doesn't have any other friends. None of my family nor his mother want to get involved.

I have been reading anything and everything on here that I can get my hands on.

It also bothers me that he doesn't see how his best friend disrespected me by texting him after me asking both of the to go NC.

Susie,

I have full access to his phone and computer..I can also see all calls online that are made from his phone. Honestly we are just barely making enough to cover our needs. I am not able to work right now because I am taking care of his Great Aunt.

I am so angry!!!!

He wanted to talk about us. HE ended up telling me how he is the one that is doing all the bending backwards in our marriage. I am so tired of hearing of how he things everthing is my way and how I think I am so perfect.

I am the first to admit I have many faults and am far from perfect.

And I do try to comprimise..but there are some things that I will not comprimise on...Like him talking to his "best friend".

Somedays I wonder if this marriage is worth saving.

You need to plan A your husband, that is what your supposed to be working on. Have you read on plan A? And the carrot and the stick to plan A?


The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Do this plan for at least 4-6 weeks, if your husband still wont change then you need to go to plan B.

Thank you Sapphire,

I have been doing all of these except forgiveness. That is the hardest one for me right now. Oh and staying calm. Several times during the discussion last night I told him that I couldn't talk about this right now but he kept on and followed me everywhere I went.

He ended up telling me that he doesn't think I am in love with him anymore and he doesn't know what to do about it. I told him that I do love him but am having a hard time with his affair. I also told him that one of the reasons we are answering the EN questionaires is to help both of us meet the other's needs.

Do we need to discuss the questionaires when he is finished with his or just exchange them?

Discuss them if you can, so you have a better understanding instead of reading them and feeling resentful because you "thought" you were meeting that need.

Sapphire,

Thank you for the answer. He is planning on finishing up his questions and us discuss them on his next off day (Wed).

I hope that we can discuss them calmly. Communications is one of our major problems. He yells, screams and cusses and I end up responding with scarcastic and snod remarks. I am also one of those people who's emotions show on their face no matter how hard I try not to let them show.

Our discussion ended at 2am this morning. He keeps telling me that I am making demands of him. When I asked for examples, the only one he came up with is him telling me when he has contact with another woman. Then he would bring up our sex life and tell me how unsatisified he is with it. I would try to get us back on the demands part of the conversation and he brought up the NC with his "best friend" then start talking about out sex life again. He told me that he realizes I am not passonatly in love with him anymore because if I was then I would want us to make love all the time like he does. Now he doesn't want us to make love because he feels like I would be fakeig it.

How do I meet this need of his with him feeling that way?

Sharing of ENs is an info-dump. It isn't a negotiation or discussion as such. It is him explaining his needs. You only ask questions to clarify. There is no "But I do that all the time." or "Doing X should count for affection". There is no right or wrong answers. There is no need to be defensive.

When he is done, thank him for sharing his thoughts and feelings. This is information you both desperately need. You have probably been meeting each other's needs all wrong. This is going to make you defensive. Avoid that desire. Defensiveness will lead you no where. Accept that you have been doing it wrong and strive for a desire to get it right.


It is a demand, but a necessary one for the survival of this marriage. He isn't going to like it and is going to use it to color your current interactions with him. It's fog talk.



It may take a while - the nice thing about is his meeting your needs WILL make you passionately in love with him. Tell him you WANT to get a better sex life (I assume you do) and you WANT to feel passionate about it. Tell him that for women, the less they have it the less they want it, to ensure a healthy future love life he needs to meet your needs and help you fall in love with him, and you need to be having sex. It may be awkward at first, but you are doing it out of love and a desire to strengthen your marriage. The passion will come.

For women, sex releases chemicals in their brains that allow them to bond with their partner. Tell him that you need those chemicals to help you fall back in love with him. The more you have SF, the more he meets your need, the better the sex will get.

You may not desire him, yet, but you desire to desire him - make sense?

It sounds like she was his best friend before you two knew each other, and that best friend status never changed. If he goes No Contact with her, then he can say, "I have a wife and a best friend, but I don't get to see or talk to my best friend anymore because my wife doesn't want me to."

Can you do what it takes to become his best friend instead of her? Do you really want to stay married to somebody who is not your best friend when you don't have kids together? (Or has be become their Dad?)

Welcome to MB Wounded.

Just curious, how did your's and your WH's first marriages end? Do you know if he was unfaithful in his prior marriage(s)?

I do agree with you on every wayward acting like a narcissist, and I also agree that trying to treat a wayward for other stuff while ignoring the fact that they are adulterers is worse than useless.

Since Wounded's therapist mentioned narcissism, and I am seeing a problem with boundaries here, and we are discussing both on the thread I mentioned, I thought I would invited her over to see if any of it sounded familar (or not).

"You may not desire him, yet, but you desire to desire him - make sense?"

V,

It makes perfect sense...I have been trying to explain this to him but his response is "I don't want you doing it just because I want it. I want you to be passionate about it too."

It is good when we do and we are both satisified. So yes I do want to have a healty sex life with my husband. I went through menopause since we started seeing each other. Not an excuse just a comment so that if anyone else has going through this maybe than can help me with the drive thing.

Going,
that has been the point I want us to be best friends and have told him so. I am willing to do what it takes.

My kid's dad are still in their lives. My WH is unable to have children but treat mine like they are his.