It might not hurt though.

It might hurt if it keeps you from doing the work to REALLY heal. It will also hurt if it doesn't work out and you are stuck being alone without learning how to be okay alone. Come on SmilingWoman - don't you remember how you rushed in with the last boyfriend? If you have, go back to your own dating thread.

DO THE WORK. MAKE THE RIGHT (HARDER SOMETIMES -BUT EASIER IN THE LONG RUN) CHOICES. DREAMS COME TRUE ONE CHOICE AT A TIME.

Last week you were obsessed over whether or not to sign a check and you were throwing brownies on your lawn. This week you are "loving" your new man and everything is wonderful. Maybe I am missing something.

I understand loneliness. I understand wanting to be done with the process of healing and growing. It is not exactly fun and games. It is very hard. If you really want different results though, YOU have to be different and you have to make different choices.

Your new man may be wonderful. You may end up married to him. You may live happily ever after. Take your time to be sure about him. Take your time and BE the woman that your perfect man needs - whole, healthy, and healed.

I might add, things can look really good, things can go well, but it does take TIME to know someone! Jim and I were engaged for a year, he went to church with me every Sunday, we RARELY argued, we got along great...and he just dumped me with no warning. I'm thankful I wasn't married to him! The only thing that was out of the ordinary is he is now having to take care of his elderly mother 24/7...I don't know if the stress broke him and he didn't have enough to go around or what. But I would not have expected this at all! It not only makes it tough to trust, I'm not even interested in dating now! Just slow down and be careful...if it's meant to be, it'll still be there tomorrow.

Kaycstamper, I am SO sorry for the pain you�ve gone through with Jim. I second your warning about how things can look really good, go well but we still don�t really know someone.

In my case, I dated my ex for 3 years. Only about the last few months of our engagement did his fa�ade begin to crumble and I saw enough of his real self to call off the engagement. Unfortunately, I let my mother convince me to press with the marriage (It�s just jitters, and you don�t want to end up old and alone, do you?) but at our wedding reception his true colors came out and everyone knew it was a mistake. It�s a shame when my FIL was counseling him *at the reception.* 13 years later, I am a divorced, single mom who just completed almost a year of counseling to overcome the effects of having been married to this man.

To SmilingWoman, Yes! It feels good to be in love, to be desirable, wanted, to get that validation from another that we are truly worthwhile people. And how much fun to be with a wonderful guy- to take my min doff themes left by my ex. In my darkest times, attention from a man took away the feelings that I was worthless, useless and hopeless. But those feelings returned even harder when he disappeared. And after a few months of infatuation, seems like they tend to disappear!

I found it to be true what they say about once you are more confident in yourself that more (and better) men approach you. I am much stronger now, and guys come and go rather than feeling bad about myself, I feel like they missed out. Do you feel like you are that point too? If this man stops calling tomorrow, how will you be ok?

DTC

I think I will be ok....hurt yes...but honestly...I prayed very hard for help in dealing with the rage I was feeling toward my X and his OW. I feel I have my answer...I have a peace....and it is WAY different from the man I saw immediately after the divorce...for starters he wasn't of my faith and it was NEVER going to work. I didn't feel the same about that as I do this man.

We are trying to slow down and get to know each other....it is hard when we like each other so much and are mid 40s and know what we want and we have 3 boys who need us too....

Tonight he came into town (on his way through to do a job tomorrow) and our 'date' was with my son and me at Chuck E Cheese. We sat and talked while ds played....We spent three hours together and he left...then called me to tell me how much fun he had. We were at CHUCK E. CHEESE!!!!!

He is working and I am homeschooling my son and taking care of my life. We have plans to meet each other's parents and for our parents to meet each other. I will get to meet his son's next weekend. It may be moving fast by most standards....but with our religion being the same....and our spirituality being similar...we feel good.

Why do you even need another man now? And people do not usually introduce the children for 6 months. Sounds like an episode of "The Bachelorette" where everything happens in three weeks.

I am sad for you.

I don't understand why your faith doesn't advise you to be more cautious in jumping into new relationships so quickly. Mine did.

Even being of the same faith did not stop me and Prisca from having some pretty strong relationship problems. We could not have been more agreed in our faith, and we both insisted on marrying only within our faith. That certainly helps, but it's not what it takes to make a strong relationship, and it doesn't make it safe to be reckless and go faster.

Jumping in so quickly? ? Do you mean after our divorces? I have been divorced for almost a year...he for almost 2 years. We are getting to know each other. I am not sure how you do that less quickly...Is there a set amount of time we should wait between talking or seeing each other?

The kid thing....he met my son in at a BBQ casually.....he was someone who would normally be in our circle...it wasn't some 'big deal.' And after that...well, I didn't see any reason to send my son to a sitter when he could go with us to Chuck E. Cheese and play games.


I don't feel reckless...but I am trying to pay attention to my 'top ten' list and be honest.

This is the man you met last week?? Yeah, I'd say you are moving waaay too fast.

Just 3 months ago you were saying this about another guy:


AGG

Think of your son here. He does not need to be meeting, getting to know, and seeing you date another "father" right now. You are still struggling with him and his original father. That poor kid.

SW,

I think it is GREAT that you found someone especially in the same faith, it's not like he is asking you to marry you, and I don't think it is wrong for meeting his parents, if there was someone I met and with in a couple weeks wanting to meet his family then we would do so!

There is nothing wrong with that at all, you have been divorced for a year and he has been divorced for two. It's not like you both go out and meet someone different every weekend. You both are being smart, if you feel comfortable to meet his parents and you are BOTH comfortable for your parents should meet each other then by all means do so. What can go wrong? I don't understand? They are just people?

If this relationship doesn't work out then so what? It's not like you guys have to go through another divorce?

SO SW!! Have fun! Be smart! and make sure your kids are taken care of

They are also meeting each others' kids. To me that seems too soon.

AGG

No one cares for or thinks of what thier actions will do to thier children.

Is he hitting them?
Is he abusing them?
Does he call them bad names?
Does he say "you need to be with me more then your kids?"

Then I see no harm for them to meet him, as long as they know exactly what their mother is doing. She is not going out and meeting all kinds of men. She is responsible, and being smart, is she ignoring her children? NO! How can you sit here and tell SW to move on...when you guys say "oh your moving too fast!" "don't do that!"

COME ON GUYS! BE FAIR! She just lost someone who she thought deeply loved her. And now she just found a man that is of the same faith, that has the same morals, and same responsibility with his own kids.

I believe if they see their mother HAPPY might make a HUGE difference, not in a negative way but in a positive way. There is a saying....

"When the mommy is happy, EVERYONE is happy."

She is not ignoring her responsibilities as a mother, and they know that, if the kids think she is moving too fast then SW will know!

Part of the issue is that SW seems to be halfway to hitching her wagon to his. Sorry, but to do so after meeting the guy only one week ago will strike the vast majority of people as reckless.

If this guy is the right guy, he will still be right in a few months when SW has had the chance to really get to know him. That would be the more prudent point to bring her son into the relationship.

Thanks Sapphire for defending me....I too can't quite understand the big deal about introducing my son to a man I met. This man and I have mutual friends and we move in similar circles. I have no qualms about my son knowing him. It will either move forward or we will be aquaintances--either way it is another person my son will know to add to the big list of men and women in his Christian brotherhood.

Some of you guys act like I picked him up at a bar or something.

Exactly.


And she knows all this within a week?

I don't know SW, but from what I see in her posts, she tends to let her emotions get way ahead of what has been demonstrated by actions of the men she meets. To me that is a red flag that I would want to work on if I were her, but that's just me.

AGG

And "when mommy is sad, EVERYONE is sad"? Seems pretty selfish to me.

AGG

First, if this is a man who is being introduced at a party, or even out at dinner, I think that's okay. HOWEVER, SW, that is not the same as having your son date him along with you. In other words, your son should not spend very much time at all with this man for several months. So, you will have to get a sitter for him.

Also, I agree about the faith thing. You may have the same faith but that doesn't mean you are compatible in other areas of your life. When the Bible talks about being "evenly yoked" it doesn't just mean faith. You need to have the same goals, the same energy, the same kind of strides, all of that to be a good team. Ox and mules both make excellent plow animals, but you don't harnass them up together.

Now you may think you know all this because you've talked about it, but you can't really know yet. That's because people will say, and even think, they have one goal, but then, you find they do nothing towards achieving that goal. They are heading off in another direction. Keep reminding yourself of this so that you don't let your heart run wild.

Finally, for Sapphire, everyone wants to be happy, but happiness is not purpose of life. Happiness and sadness happen, and they are part of the Wheel of Fortune. It is not bad for children to see their parents sad provided they are old enough to understand they didn't cause it, and they aren't responsible for fixing it.

My generation and those behind me have been told lies. We've been told through our culture that we should live to be happy, and the implicit message is that we should be happy all the time. We should strive to avoid sadness, pain, suffering, etc.

I got news for you. Life is a vale of tears. It's also a triumphant mountain summit. The pain and suffering are built in. It's important that we accept that we can be sad, we can hurt, and yet, we can still be okay.