I don't believe you've studied marital psychology as much as Dr. Harley, so I'm really not sure why you can say so definitively that his conclusions here are wrong.

Tom, have you ever studied pareto analysis? The principle is that you sort a list of problems by weight, and usually you will find that the few biggest problems account for the vast majority (80%, 90%, or even 99%) of the total difficulty, and the other problems do not account for nearly as much. As a result, you attack the worst problem first.

Your being with this other woman creates a new point of comparison which contributes to you being less satisfied with your wife. Even if you do not ever compare the two, your neurons do.

She is the worst problem your marriage faces. All of the other problems of your marriage can be addressed, and we would like to help you do that.


Could you state your objections more specifically and give us a chance to convince you otherwise?

Ummmm...Tom, if you don't want to improve your marriage and you want to remain emotionally attached to another woman and you don't want to be honest with your wife...

Well, why are you even married?

You know, she could find someone that would treat her nicely.

Markos, no I did not study marital philosophy. I can tell you that my biggest stress, my biggest worry, is money. Yes, when there is an EA involved that is not good, but my biggest stress is money. I actually think that part of the reason I am focusing more on this friend lately is because it distracts me from the financial stresses that are on the mind.
If the financial stresses can be relieved then I will not be as worried about the marriage. My own personal happiness can work its way back and thus I can be happier around and with my wife.

You said problems are sorted by weight, I weigh money problems above all else.

I do treat my wife nicely, atleast I try my best to. I am not the best at it, but I try.

I already said KT, I do want to improve my marriage, I want both my wife and I to be happier.

Why I want to be married is up to me. Everyone has their own reasons for being married, I wont fault people for them.

It doesn't work that way. You weaken the marriage by getting your needs met elsewhere instead of working with your wife to help her meet your needs.

Remind me again why you can't just thoughtfully request that your wife meet the needs this woman is meeting, and respectfully persuade her of how important it is that your needs be met?


Tom, that is not logical. That is the logic of an alcoholic who drinks to forget his financial stresses. Then he forgets about his problem while his problem gets worse!! Tom, how do you expect your financial problems to get better while you are distracting yourself from them?

A plan that has worked better for many people is to restore romantic love in their marriage such that problems are seen as joint problems and both spouses are motivated to attack them together. Right now your financial problems are your alone to face because you and your wife are not bonded emotionally.

The financial problem continues to be that the wife is not making as much money as she used to. I have tried to work with her to tackle this, but at this point I am trying to leave it inher hands. She seems to worry less about it when it is that way.

So in the meantime I am trying to ignore what is really going on and trying to keep some form of happiness along the way.

Tom, aren't you and your wife trying to have a baby? Imagine how stressful your finances will be when she finds out about this, divorces you, and you have to pay child support.



I think your wife deserves to be in on your secret, don't you?

Her divorcing me is not something I am worried about. And no, at this time we are not trying to have a baby. We made the decision together to not go in that direction at this time.

And again I say, everyone has their own personal reasons why they choose to get married and why they choose to marry who they do. As long as they treat the other person well and do not hurt them directly, to each his own.

Hey Tom, I think I've been respectful, like markos. I'm not trying to convince you, or sell you anything, just asking you to check out the clip of Dr. H himself at this link. I want to hear your POV on what you hear.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html

For me it was a lot of new ideas that I hadn't heard before, gave me a lot of insight to how folks make different kinds of choices.

Tom, the thing is, you talk as though FS is your #1 need. It is the need your wife is not currently meeting, which you state is what is making your M unhappy and stressful. So, you turn to the OW to get your needs met. This makes no sense though, unless the OW is giving you $$$. If the the need your wife isn't meeting is FS, and you aren't getting FS from the OW (which I'm assuming is the case) then obviously, there are some other needs you have that your wife isn't currently meeting (or being allowed to meet) other than FS. What needs is this OW meeting that your wife isn't, and why won't you allow your wife the chance to meet them?

Oh, sorry, wrong link! THe one I wanted to send you is actually on the home page, at the bottom.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/index.html

Ack! It's not free any more. Oh, well, I tried.

Yes FS is the top need. No the friend is not meeting that need, but instead other needs. The issue lately is that there are other feelings that I don't understand that are growing.

I have always felt that it is okay to have simple attention and conversation with a friend. I have never thought that is such a bad thing. (I know what you guys say about it).

As I said, I am leaning on those other needs that the friend is meeting stronger now because I am trying to ignore the stress of all the FS issues and what that has caused at home.

Because you like attention?

So, exactly what EN's is this OW meeting? She isn't meeting your need for FS, and still, you are developing feelings for her. I would think this suggests that FS is in fact not your top need, that whatever EN's the OW is meeting are actually more important to you than FS. That doesn't mean FS isn't important to you, but it may not be as important as you think.

Your wife isn't being allowed to meet any of your EN's, because you are too busy resenting her for not making more money. Your wife may be perfectly capable of meeting many of the EN's this OW is currently meeting if you would let her. Instead, you choose to punish her for not meeting your need for FS.

"If the financial stresses can be relieved then I will not be as worried about the marriage. My own personal happiness can work its way back and thus I can be happier around and with my wife."

I am not an extremely huge fan of people who are just rude for effect, but I honestly cannot think of anything nice, southern, and ladylike to say.

The above quote from your post is just about the biggest pile of deluded selfish crap I have ever read. Here is what it means: If my wife would make more money, then I wouldn't tell this other woman all about my troubles or have an EA. It's my wife's fault that I am having an EA because she won't get out there and make the bucks.

And then this arrogant assurance that she would never divorce you. I am not sure what to say. But there will come a time that this little world you have got going is going to crash. I just hope - unlike me - that it crashes BEFORE you spread your heart and seed to another woman.

You are holding money over your wife's head. You are purposefully and stubbornly holding on to what you KNOW is hurting your marriage because you want her to jump through your hoops first. And you think that you deserve to flaut emotional fidelity because your life is hard and you deserve somebody to talk to.

I wish there was such thing as a magic mirror that, when held up to someone, forced them to see what they were.

I feel bad posting something so strong and then taking my leave, but I think it is obvious that this thread is triggering me all over the place. It's like watching someone dive off the same cliff that almost killed me.

Tom, Dr. Harley understands those feelings and can explain them to you. He has seen them in most of the thousands and thousands of marriages he has worked with.

You know, Tom, for a very affordable price, you could talk to Dr. Harley's son, Steve, over the telephone and discuss those feelings, as well as talk about a plan for getting your wife on board with solving your financial problems together. Steve has helped people here with plans to work with a reluctant spouse in much worse situations than you are facing. And I've honestly never met anyone so respectful of others and their differing points of view as Steve.

For that matter, you could email Dr. Harley's wife Joyce about bringing your questions to their radio program. You could talk to Dr. Harley yourself for free.

jharley@marriagebuilders.com

Again, I know very few people as respectful as Dr. Harley. We've even seen him here on this board from time to time urging posters to try to persuade people of their ideas respectfully.

I appreciate your honesty Luri.

I really don't know how to react to the comment.

t/j

Markos don't you have some UA time you should be meeting?


j/k

It's good to see you around, hope you and Prisca are doing well...update?

/t/j