You�re right JL. I was talking to my Mum last night about it and she said �Surely its over now? You can�t be with someone like that, he won�t ever change�. But as I said to her, I�ve been that person too and I can and have changed so I can�t call it over just because of this. I know the addiction feeling for myself, and this incident was a classic example of that. He was feeling lonely so he invited her over and despite his pretty poor treatment of her as well, she was lonely and desperate enough to go over there.

Anyway, he came over yesterday afternoon. Basically what he said was that he has dug himself a hole and he wants me to get him out of it. His work is going terribly (and likely will get worse given my exposure, they were earlier both warned by his manager to steer clear of each other so they just got caught breaching that). He doesn�t want to be in this town, and no real friends here to speak of. So he wants me to arrange the sale of our house and find him a new job in a new city. (He didn't get the other job I previously mentioned )

Maybe that sounds odd that he wants me to do everything, but our relationship has always worked like that. He doesn�t like making decisions, so I make all the plans and decisions and he does whatever part I ask him to do. Every time he has changed jobs, I have found him the new one and done all his applications for him etc.

So I asked him whether he was ready for NC yet. And he danced around the question, he said he didn�t see the point of a letter as he would just not make personal contact with her from now on, it could be a while before he can quit this job so he�ll have to keep seeing her at work till then. But he did suggest that I move back into the house with him.

That�s where my head is spinning right now. Should I take him up on that? My protectionist instincts think its a bad idea given his continued contact with her at his work. But then this is a chance to Plan A him up close...if I can handle it.

Yes, I did tell him about the pregnancy and termination when I came clean in full.

Moving back into the house is a good thing, the more time you spend with him, the more $LB you can deposit.

As far as doing everything for him, you say you are the in charge person, can you make it a condition that he gets involved with MB in some way. Call DrH, or read SAA and HNHN. Even post on the forums, although I wouldnt tell him what your user name is here for a bit. The NC letter can be a litmus test too, it doesnt matter of he thinks he is not going to have contact, he should be doing things that make YOU feel safe. The NCL is for your benefit, not him and not OW's.

For the 'getting him a job' what industry does he work in that a wife can organise employment for her H?

Moving is a great idea. Dr Harley recommends moving if contact with the OP is going to be an issue, no matter the personal cost. Flick and I moved to the south Island from the north 18 months after recovery started and it frankly has been the best decision for us. Living so close to so many triggers was driving me insane.

Lildoggie,
I read this as having her search job sites and if she finds one that suits him e-mail it to him so he can look at it and apply. That is what I do for my DH. Between his long commute and long work hours he is gone from 7am-630 pm. We decided his spare time is better suited spending time with us. There are so many job sites out there he could spend hours looking. I look instead and just e-mail him the ones that look good. He is VERY appreciative of my efforts. So I think if the poster does this for her WH it would be a plus in his love bank.

I know this logically, but I am finding it really hard to think about doing it. He�s not willing to be open and honest at this point, so I will be faced with him still in contact with her but doing it right under my nose instead of at a distance. I know this sounds �woe is me� and I know that I probably deserve this to some extent, but I am really struggling with this idea.



He has copies of SAA and HNHN that I gave him. He read a couple of chapters of HNHN a couple months ago and hasn�t touched it since. He�s not much of a reader and he�s just not that interested. I�m not in a position to be able to ask for conditions as he thinks he is doing what he is entitled to because of what I did. He wants me to arrange a new life for him because I owe it to him. It�s my gamble whether taking him away from here and his work (and therefore physically away from OW) will lead to him being willing to work on the marriage.


We are both agreed that we want to move from here so that is a plus. The only thing is that I have to move somewhere where I can carry on my university studies, which limits us to 2 other large cities, but I have been in touch with both universities and they are happy to accept me as a transfer. So H can choose out of those two based on what job he gets/wants.

This is pretty much what I do for him, though a little bit more involved. I also write his resumes and cover letters and send them out. Then do some research to prep him for the interview. The last one he had, he had to do a presentation so I put the basics of that together for him and let him fill in the details.

I do it because that�s my skillset and he asks me to.

CherryAnn,

Reading your thread and just wondering where the kids were during all of this?

You moved out a few times who had the kids? What have you told them?

Both of you need to look what you are doing and how it is affecting them.

There is much work to be done and both of you need to set your boundaries.

NC means NC for both of you.

When I moved to my parents, I took DD with me as she was only 20months at the time but I decided to leave DS with my husband during the week and see him at the weekends. It was not the best decision in hindsight but I moved back after 5 months. We now share the kids 50/50 each having a weekend day and couple of weekdays with both of them.

The kids understand that we are living apart because we were making each other unhappy. DS regularly asks us when we are going to be a family again but for the most part is used to the arrangement. DD is too young to understand too much. I'm not sure that at their ages (6 & 3) I should be trying to explain affairs to them.

I understand what you�re saying and agree with you, but right now he is just not interested. It�s not that we agreed to recover our marriage and are struggling with recovery � I�m still trying to convince him to want to recover our marriage and put our family back together. He has not said no, but he has not said yes either.

Well, I said that I would re-assess my Plan A after about 6 weeks, and it looks like I�m there now. In all honesty, I gave a good effort at it for the first 3-4 weeks but the last 2-3 my energies have been fading. I�ve still been trying to do nice things for him, but the angry outbursts have been creeping back. It seems that every few days theres a new lie uncovered. This week�s ones included the fact that they had sex regularly in our bed at home. H had absolutely sworn to me that they had never ever had sex in our marital bed, only slept in it and I believed him because I wanted to believe that that was the truth. He has told me almost every week that him and OW have agreed to end things as there�s no future/no point prolonging it, but every week I uncover a new email or text message from her indicating that things are still in full swing. He has still maintained that we will move away and make a fresh start on the marriage as soon as we are out of this town. I have been still looking for jobs for him and helping with getting the house ready to be sold.

Anyway, yesterday�s bombshell was discovering the following text on his phone to OW who had apparently gotten upset that I was going round to see H yesterday and had said that she was done with him and tired of the situation:
�If our relationship and your trust in me is that weak that I can�t see her (meaning me) to sign daycare documents and discuss our children�s future without you thinking I�m putting her ahead of you again then maybe it is best that you give up. I have been loyal to you for all this time � but that�s ok, whatever�s easiest for you to deal with. I guess I can�t keep hoping that you can trust me and that before too long the house will be sold and another tie to her will be severed. Why else do you think I worked on my birthday and all day today to get the house further sorted? I don�t want to let you go but you�ve got to do what�s best for you�

So I confronted him about it and he said he was lying to her and stringing her along because he doesn�t want to see her with anyone else as it would be too much for him to deal with since he has to see her at work every day. And that it is the truth that he genuinely intends to move away with me and cut all ties with her and we can start again on the marriage.

I truly do not know what to believe anymore. Either he is going to run straight to her as soon as the house is sold and he gets his hands on the money, or he does genuinely want to be in this marriage with me again and just lacks the willpower to kick his addiction.

So I�m trying to figure out a good next move at the moment, any suggestions would be appreciated.

YKES!!! I think it's time for plan B my lady before it's too late! Before you sell the home and find out he will be living with the OW Sorry to say this but DO NOT BELIEVE HIM, if he is lying to her then he is ALSO lying to you!

Write your plan B letter, find an IM, do you have a really good friend or family member that can do this? Have him leave the house! You can sell the house on your own you don't need him to be there.

Sorry sweetie, he is gas-lighting you!

Sounds like he is stringing you both along, but doing a very bad job at it. In all honesty it looks like your Plan A is really effecting OW, and that is an excellent sign. Their affair is rocky, and the OW is jelous of you, Way to go!

I think I would try to plan A a little longer, maybe find a reason for not selling the house, and help the OW put in a lot more LBs with the WH. Let them make their affair rocky and hard to handle. Then go to plan B when they are at their rockiest. He will be forced to leave your loving caring house to a rocky relationship strained by your plan A. He will have to have his needs supported by someone who has been LBing his chops for the past couple weeks.

Good job on the plan A so far. It looks like it is hitting the OW hard. You might not feel very good, but it is hitting its target.

I really want to go straight to Plan B but I also want to exit Plan A on a better note � once I�m in Plan B the last impressions he has of me have to count because the two years prior to that I was hideous to him.

I don�t believe anything he says to me or her so I�m trying to proceed in a way that it won�t make too much difference what turns out to be the truth. Selling the house is what I want regardless. I've been to see my lawyer a few days ago and he will hold any money from the house in trust so H can't get at it. I don�t want to be in the house either as I can�t stand the place right now .

So as Wheels suggested, I�m going to go a little longer on Plan A. Starting next week I have two weeks off university where I can concentrate on Plan A�ing him and sorting the house. I have been lovely to him today, and he�s agreed to take two days off work next week to spend all day at the house with me working on it (Hehe, I hope OW finds out about that!). I�m going to let him have as much �cake� as he wants to eat knowing that the end is in sight if things don�t get better. I have got myself some anti-depressants to help me through the next couple weeks too.

Then if there�s no progress - Plan B is going ahead Saturday 4th September.

It depends on how bulletproof your PA "superhero cape" is. Can you continue this without too much WD from your lovebank?

Are houses selling in your area? Talk to a pro. How long can you expect it to be on the market? Invest your time and money wisely.

The reason I state this is that a lot of people find putting/keeping a house on the market very stressfull.
Both kids are with you now, right?.. oh yeah/50-50

Good luck keeping the place show ready with 2 little ones running about. He he. this will create stress for WH and OW if she is still dragin' her butt around.

I liked your PA notes. I think you were on the right track, only you can decide if/when you have had enough.

Who is going to support you (with the kids) if you move to another city and you are attending school?

Part of "bullet-proofing my cape" has been to quash my tendencies to dig for information. So no more asking questions about OW, no more looking at his emails or phone. I keep telling myself "This affair is still on, you don't need to know anymore than that at this point". And its helping, because uncovering the details was what was really killing me.

My renewed PA has been going better than I expected actually...he's actually been finding excuses to come and visit me and hang out here - in time he could theoretically be spending with her. So I think he must not be in her good books right now


The market is a little slow here so I am anticipating up to a few months to sell. I have to stay in this town til at least November for my studies, and preferably till December to avoid interrupting my son's schooling, so I am not in a hurry. If I'm in Plan B for a lot of that time, well as you say, it will be up to him to keep up the house-keeping.


I cope at the moment on a combination of govt welfare and working a few hours a week. I can do this if I move, no problem. If he doesn't want to move though, I will pretty much be stuck here.

Well, its a bit early but I think I've reached the Plan B point.

After spending today at house with H, he told me he was off out for a work dinner in town. I happened to check his bank account as I was doing my own banking and noticed he bought takeaways from a place that he used to frequent with OW. Put the kids in the car and went and checked and sure enough there she was at my house with H.

I'm not frantic but I don't think I can take much more of this. So I'm calmly making a list of things I need to do to go into Plan B. Any pointers would be welcome.

CherryAnn,
I think it's time for Plan B, he is still not willing to give up the OW, it's time for you to perserve your feelings for him and let him feel the brunt of the decisions he is making in your marriage......
If he is chosing her then let that play out and just sit back and watch it fall apart, when you are no longer meeting his needs and she has to you will see that just be to much work for your husband to hold that all together....
Concentrate on your kids and yourself for now......
Keep yourself busy, look great, smell great and just be the woman no one would want to lose........
Be strong and firm........

For your plan B letter let him know that he is not welcome to be your husband until he cuts off all contact with OW for life. Give him other requirements too that will satisfy you enough to take him back. List your requirements here for review. let him know he can contact you through an IM, and that he is allowed to set up time through the IM to talk to or spend with the kids.

Set up an IM. This is a person who can filter all the emotion from any message from the WH and give you the basic message. You do not want to make contact with your WH.

Pick a day this week to pack his stuff, change the locks, and put the plan B letter on top of his stuff so you no longer have to talk or confront him.

There are a couple good plan B templates around here. Sapph might find some for you.

sample of a plan b letter....you can change the wording if you'd like...

Dearest WH,

I am so sorry our marriage has come to this. I recognize my part in our relationship that created an environment where your affair with POSOW was possible.(the other way puts too much blame on OW)

I have learned better ways to resolve conflict between us. I want to create a new life for both of us that meets both our needs and creates a loving home for our children. We can not do that while you are still in contact with POSOW

Until then, I have chosen to avoid seeing you or talking to you.IM has agreed to be our intermediary, and she will help in making it easy for you to see your children, as we discussed. Our only contact should be in the case of emergency about the children.

Please understand my decision to separate from you this way. It is too painful for me to live with you any longer as long as you are also with her I ask that until you are ready to end your affair with POSOW and focus on our marriage and family, you leave our home.

The way back home is simple: end all contact; be completely transparent with me with your phone, emails, and time; be truly repentant for the damage you caused; and, commit to rebuilding our marriage.
Before I will consider direct communication with you

1. You must WANT to work on our marriage
2. You must end the affair with WF
3. You will write a No Contact letter to WF and have it okayed by me and then I will send it.
4. You will leave WORPLACE (unless she has left first)
5. You will agree to follow a marriage counseling plan of my choosing.(MB OF COURSE)
6. You will take a sexually transmitted disease test and I will see the results."

I look forward to the day when we can begin to rebuild our marriage and begin the rest of our lives together as a family. I want nothing more than to be your partner through life, and your best friend and confidante in all matters - you have always been mine. We can have a stronger marriage built on trust, love, honesty, and teamwork.

I loved you from the day I met you and I continue to love you right up to this moment. I hope for and look forward to a time when we can begin a new marriage with each other.

Love,

Thanks Sapph, I knew my loving wife would have that plan B letter somewhere cloase at hand.....wait a minute! Why am I encouraging my wife to have a plan B letter close at hand!??? oh no's!

MWHAHAHAHAHAhahaha!!!