Seems to be 2 issues here - the NCL and what constitutes proof of WH 'wanting' to work on the M.

The no contact letter should be written in the Wayward Spouse�s own handwriting. It really should be sent certified if possible. Remember, this isn�t a �goodbye forever love letter�, it�s actually stating that the affair is over, it was wrong, the WS was selfish, they love their spouse and family very much and want to make their marriage work and that they�ll be fighting for and working on saving the marriage. It should also state how much the WS have hurt their spouse and how they are going to spend the rest of their life making it up to them.

The letter should also state how the WS no longer EVER wants the affair partner to contact them in ANY way, shape or form. If the Wayward Spouse does this just for the BS and continues contact with the Affair Partner, then the Affair Partner won�t take the No Contact Letter seriously. It also might not be taken seriously by the Affair Partner if the Wayward Spouse has tried numerous times to break it off with the Affair Partner only to come back time and time again. So, the Wayward Spouse must stand firm and continually tell the Affair Partner how much he loves his wife and wants to work on their marriage. If the OP rings, the WS should pass the phone to the BS. If the OP sends a text, the WS should show it to the BS immediatly, same for any e-mail, snail mail... no matter what the WS MUST show the BS. The aim is to show an united front to the OP.

If you still get continued contact the best defence is to IGNORE ALL CONTACT!! The Affair Partner thinks that if they can just get the Wayward Spouse to talk to them then the affair will continue on.

After the Wayward Spouse has finished the No Contact Letter, the Betrayed Spouse should read it, if it wasn�t written together. There should be nothing in the letter hinting about missing the Affair Partner, and that the letter doesn�t mean anything, etc.

Here is an example of a No Contact Letter:



link to other sample letter As you can see, they are all about showing remorse for hurting the BS and a promise to work on the M with no ILU, I miss you or other foggy puke comments.

Advice for recovery:


plan for recovery link

I think that you CAN write a list of what you require as 'evidence' of WH working on the M. Dont set the bar too low, or you'll only get a man going thru the motions. Set it high, but dont be impossible

So, for example you could have
1. a NCL that fits the above requirement.
2. Read SAA (do you have a copy? I forget. I ordered mine from fishpond as it was faster than from an overseas website)
3. Read HNHN (Flick swears it was that book that saved us)
4. Commit to a minimum of 15 houras a week UA - and at this stage of recovery 20 would be better
5. Commit to using POJA at all times
6. Share passwords and handing over of cellphones. Remember you BOTH are waywards, so both need to be transparent with each other. While I think you are not foggy, you do have habits of secrecy to unlearn as well as WH.
7. Written and signed EP's by both of you.

Counselling with the Harley's is defiantly the fastest way to get the recovery set off. Including the toll call to the states, it works out to about $400NZ a session. The DVD series is about $1500NZ. The books average out to around $45NZ each although I did get a couple on sale for $15NZ. If you want to borrow mine let me know. I have SAA, HNHN, LB, BRF, and some others which aren't necessary right now.

Just a heads up, my experience with the NZ marriage counsellors are that they are all about making nice, and no waves. I went once, wouldn't go back. Frankly Flick and I got more out of the forums and books. I did have a great IC, but she herself was a BS and I was able to get her to understand that I was doing it the MB way or not at all

If your WH comes to the forums, he will only get out what he puts in. If he fog babbles and shouts and fusses, he will get very little out of it. A lot of WS's seem to come feeling very entitled and dont like the way they are firmly told to cut it out and start sorting out their collective - or else.
WS do get a hard time initially from some posters, normally newly betrayed, it's normal and passes when people can see consistent and honest effort at understanding, changing and making amends to the BS.

There are a couple of FWH - Herpapabear formally Tst, and lousy golfer, not sure if any of the others are still around. There are a bunch of FWW and vets who help too.

Just compose a NC letter yourself and ask your husband to read it and consider it, tell him that you want to make sure that you leave no chance of any door staying open.......if he is serious, he will see that thinking to be correct if you two are truly serious about working on the marriage......
Tell him that this is a process for both of you, because you both feel the trust issues and the feelings of all the affair stuff for both of you.......
You two can't change the facts of your history but you can control your future, he sees the possiblity of a new beginning for the two of you and he wants to keep his family together....
He could be with the OW if he wanted to be.....he is trying to work on things with you.........I hope you see that.......
Moving to a different city is a good thing.......new start......
Don't rush, you two have a life time of getting to know each other and loving it other like you never have before, don't let it ever get to a bad spot again.......
Believe in that man you married, understand that life is full of mistakes, it's how we deal with all that is the true test of who we are......
You are making a choice to trust him because it's the best thing for both of you, own that decsion and move on to happiness within and with him......

Do not get with your WH to try to negotiate terms on him coming back. Keep yourself dark. You should have given the terms in your Plan B letter. Your IM can look at the plan B letter to find out what he has to do.

You are still getting too much info, and wanting him back too soon. Break off getting this info and keep him out of the house longer. It should be up to your IM to notice if he has genuinely changed his actions, not just his tune.

Let the IM know that you reject the letter. I dont think you have to say more than that. You can provide a template letter, but there is way too much resentment, and loop holes in his letter. Closure is not something for an affair. It just ends with NC.

That NC letter was NOT A NO CONTACT LETTER!!

It basically say's I have to do this or my wife will leave with the kids, and I love my kids too much. So he is BLAMING YOU for the no contact letter.

I am sorry if this is his reaction DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK!! He needs more time, he is not remorseful what so ever, if you take him back now, I guarantee you will be back on this forum for MORE help.

As bad as they are, these letters are only DRAFTS. I would not take him seriously until he sends you copies of letters that were actually SENT with sent receipts. Anybody can DRAFT a letter with no intention of following through. That's too easy. I wouldn't be surprised if he never intends to send them but only to use them to manipulate you to get his way.

Sorry, but I would stay DARK until you have a verifiable proof that the letters were actually sent.