Iamdown,

Ok, I am going to repeat what others have already said since you need to hear it a few more times.

1. You have children and you are allowing her or will allow her to expose them to a man who:

However, you have no proof of this. You need a PI report that brings all of this to light so you can go to court and make sure a man like this is not around your children. I have no idea what kind of man would allow his children to be around a person with the OM's "credentials".

WAKE UP!

2. The odds are high that since she has had sex with him, that she now has or will have an STD. Your children don't need both of you dead from AIDS. Given his lifestyle, I would say the odds are very very high. How are you with Russian Roulett? WAKE UP!

3. Your W being incapable of seeing the things I just mentioned is the last person you should be trusting with your life or your childrens life, quit, get a new job, but whatever you do protect your children.

Iamdown, are you seeing something in my post? Well you should be. You are way beyond an EA/PA, you are talking about your kids being in a house that is raided, or your W getting and giving them a serious disease, not to mention you. We are talking about a criminal and woman too stupid to see the risks.

Getting the idea that I don't care if you save this marriage? You bet your *** that I don't care. I care alot more about your children and the life he can "accidently" bring to them via his friends, his drugs, and the police raiding him.

Time for you to get with the program and protect your children, the heck with your W, she is not thinking about your children you need to.

Think about this very carefully.

JL

He already got fired from his job.. He is now unemployed. This happened the day before he came to see my WW. I wonder how these events could be related..

I called my company today and told them i plan to resign unless they relocate my family to be with me in Mexico until completion of the project.. I'll see what they say..

I am so hurt right now. She told me about everything about what they did and said this is the first time she has ever cheated on me. I don't know if I can ever trust her again and am considering just divorcing her..

My WW has agreed to send OM a no contact letter. I want to send it to him via certified mail. Does anyone have a sample NC letter I could use? It needs to be a really powerful one because OM is really persistent.

Just Learning,

Very powerful post... I am taking your words to heart. I want to save my marriage but that is probably impossible at this point. My wife is obviously going through some kind of mid life crisis and is looking for that "Bad Boy" that I never was. I suppose OM meets these needs for her.

I WILL NOT stand by and allow my kids to be in such an environment. I will protect them at whatever cost. However, I am concerned that OM has an obsession for my WW and will come back over here to hurt one of us.. I am taking time off from work to stay home in case he does try this. I am literally guarding my family now. I am not going back to work until I know my family will be safe. I am also still struggling with trying to comprehend why she did this to us in the first place..

1) Relocate/move so OM doesn't know where you live.
2) Change all your WW's contact information.
3) Block your WW from contacting OM (block number, email, filter on computer, etc.).
4) Don't stay overnight away from your WW again.

I'm glad you finally seem to be grasping the seriousness of the situation and responding accordingly.

The no contact letter is in the book Surviving an Affair:

Originally Posted By: Dr Willard Harley

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.


[from SAA, pg 58 (changed for gender)]

OM,

I want you to know that out of respect and love for my husband and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

I showed the letter to my WW and she refused to sign it. She said I could email it to him from her email account, she gave me her logon info and his email address.

She said this letter will do no good because she already made the decision to not talk to him anymore. She also said it would be ammo for me if I did decide to divorce her and take the kids away.

I don't know how to take this.

Take this as her refusal to go no contact.

For every single case you look through on these boards, I can't think of one instance where NC was established and maintained without a NC letter.

Now the NC letter doesn't guarantee that contact won't occur again, but refusal or justifications of why it's not necessary practically guarantees that contact will continue.

Not very well.

Just a few questions:

How did you find out about his trip and the sex?

How was her response when you confronted?

I'm just trying to get a gauge on your WW.

Did you expose to everyone on her side that she slept w/ OM?

I would take her refusal to sign the NC letter as refusal of her to agree to NC. Treat her very much like a WW until she proves otherwise.

To answer schtoop question, my WW refused to send a NC letter, and look how many times she broke NC before establishing it for good. A NC letter is not a requirement, but it is a good show of faith from the WS to the BS. I would still treat her has a very hostile WW. I would come up with a list (from Dr. Harley and the posters here) about your BOUNDARIES necessary for you continue in this marriage. If she refuses them, you either enforce them yourself (i.e. changing phone numbers, canceling service, cutting off internet, cutting off financially, etc.), or more forward with a legal separation. She'll try and get away with as much as you allow.

Sounds to me that she is not taking this seriously.

and most likely she will still be in contact.

Hi lam,

I am sorry to hear what has happened to you and your marriage. Imho, you are getting good advice here with the exception of just outright quitting your job, unless you have substantial savings/investments to tide you over. People, you have to realize it isn't that easy, even tho it is important. Every marriage is sacred and special, but just quitting your livelihood w/o alternatives could add unneeded financial stress. I just found a new postion after my previous one, which I held for ten years, was eliminated. I was fortunate because I was able to network with previous colleagues, and it is sort if a niche position, but still, it took several months to find it while I was still in a contract arrangement with my former employer. The economy is still sour, believe me, and that is not abnormal after a deep recession.

What you are doing seems very good - taking time off to be with your family and inquiring about your family staying with you on-site. There are a few more things you may be able to set in place for the time you have to return to your job:

1.) Hire a PI, as someone here suggested, to get detailed info on the guy. Inform your W that is what you are doing.

2.) Use the PI info to attempt to expose him to family, keep tabs on him, and to possibly go to court to obtain a protective order, since he does have a criminal background. If you are able to achieve this, then inform your local police of the situation, and that you may have to be away for awhile.

3.) Arrange with any trusted family members and/or friends who live close to you to be in contact and be able to monitor your home and your family, as well as be supportive to your W while you may have to be away.

4.) Re-expose to all influential people in her life of the most recent contact.

5.) If you have to go back and/or remain in Mexico for awhile after your leave to return home - how about a week or two of vacation time (when there may be downtime on your project) - to have your family in Mexico to enjoy a vacation.

I realize the above is only for your most immediate situation, until you can get reduced travel or a new job, and that it does not substitue for a Plan A. You still need to do that as you are able to. You do need to kill the affair, and my opinion is that your best chance is to attack the OM even if you eventually cannot be physically present to meet your W's EN's. You can still take this opportunity to makeover yourself into the best guy and H that you can. It just irks me that some are so willing to quickly shoot from the hip and recommend a knee jerk reaction, when as a breadwinner, I realize for you that this is at best an intermediate term accomplishment.

Just my thoughts, and I wish you the best of luck and prayers.

Tom

I found out because my 19 year old son called me when I was in Mexico that week. He said there were 5 beers in the back of our vehicle when my wife came home one night. She does not drink. Naturally, I became suspicious. I knew it had to have beem OM's beer. I figured that if he did come to town, he would stay at the same hotel chain that he worked for in his state so he could get his employee discount. I called every hotel from that chain in my city. Bingo! I got confirmation that he stayed at the hotel just down the road from our house. On the same days that I was suspicious about and when my son found the beer. I even got a copy of his hotel receipt because I told the hotel that I was him & needed it because I lost the original and needed to put it on expense report. They didn't ask for my ID and gave me the receipt.
When I confronted her, she denied that she even knew he was here. She said she knew nothing about it.
Finally, after using a logical approach, she confessed and said that he came down for a job interview because he wants to move here to be with her.

After that, she answered all my questions about what happened. She told me the types of sex they had, when they had it and how often. I think it gave her pleasure telling me about it.

I told my mom and dad and her brother about this. None of her other family knows yet. I am here trying to fix things with her, Do I still need to let everyone know? What difference would it make now? Maybe I should just give up. He just replied to the email I sent him from her account and said if it was really her, I needed to give him a password to prove it. You think they have some secret plan together?

Yup,

You need to let everyone know that your children are being exposed to a criminal and that the affair is ongoing. You seek their help. I know that drinking is illegal for a 19 year old and I wonder what would have happened if he had gotten stopped with those beer containers in the back of the car? You got any ideas? I know it would have cost you a lot of legal fees at the very minimum.

Folks this is NOT about saving this marriage, this about protecting his children. End of story.

JL

Yes, EVERYONE needs to know. This will put MORE PRESSURE on her to end her affair and maintain NC. As for the email account, shut it down and block it for good. Change the phone numbers. Block his number from the home phone. Keep an eye out for affair phones or calling cards. LOCK IT DOWN. Maybe after a few months of NC he'll get the message.

Do all your kids know. They should be showing their disdain for her decisions.

You need to complete FULL exposure. And quickly in my opinion. Do it in a calm, honest way.

I blocked him from her cell phone so they cannot make contact that way anymore. I did this last week. My home phone provider said that they cannot block specific numbers from calling. So I took the battery out of the phone and threw it away. We hardly ever get calls on that phone anyway. I am also going to shut down her email account..

I am going to let everyone know about what she has done today. It will hurt me to tell my kids, but they need to be aware of what's going on.

Listen, I'm going to warn you. She is going to throw the kitchen sink at you right after exposure. She'll say she was going to work things out but with your actions (exposure) you have damaged the marriage irrevocably and she is going to divorce you. She'll say every nasty thing in the book. How dare you tell our kids and my family. I can't trust you anymore. Blah, blah, blah. They are just words and serve 2 purposes. 1) She's angry and miserable that you ruined her affair and will say whatever barbs she can to hurt you. She's just lashing out in a way she thinks will best put you back in your place of fear and doing nothing. 2) She will use it to try and help justify her current behavior.

I'm telling you right now, the most difficult part of dealing with a WW is right after exposure. Be forewarned. Don't let it get to you. It's just a necessary phase you have to go through. Her anger will die down in a couple of weeks. As long as it damages the affair (which it will), it is a net positive. It just takes a little time for it to take hold. Just be calm, strong, and don't be afraid. You are doing the right thing. It's just going to suck to be you for a few weeks. This is when you need to plan A your best, especially avoiding love busters. You can get through this.

I am keeping my calm and and sticking to plan A. This has been a tough week for me. She says she still has feelings for OM and is willing to do a "Leap of Faith" in the hopes that he can make her happier than I have. Is it normal for a WW to express their feelings for OM to their BS? They had sex for 3 days over here in our hometown, so I am kinda confused about where this might be going..

You need to discuss to your wife that you don't want to hear anything about this OM.

You should not be tolerating this.

She is disrespecting you right in front OF YOUR FACE!

Has she agreed to NC or not? It doesn't seem like she is going to end this affair. Have you exposed yet? I would do a couple things. Ask her why she is unhappy with you. At the same time, you need to get a PI to dig up as much dirt on the OM as possible. You want to burst this little fantasy bubble. Does this guy have a record? Is he a drug addict? Did he beat his first wife? All these things are ammo that can be used to deflate this fantasy bubble.

Also, make it perfectly clear that if she wants to pursue that option, then she needs to get the heck out of YOUR house. You won't tolerate this level of disrespect. If she refuses, see if you can get her family to pressure her out. You want her to have to deal with all the negatives of getting divorced before she goes through with it.