Ok...been reading these forums for a while but this is my first post..so here is the brief story.

Married 12yrs this Sept. Son 10 Daughter 5

Wife and I used to party a bit...she went back to school and got teaching degree. 2 years ago we started having problems and I was to dumb...or emotionally detached to notice. She was working part time at resteraunt and started having an EA maybe more with 24yr old living in a halfway house...once that stopped and we were trying to make things work she started second EA with an old friend....no sex with this one...we managed to work things out but never solved problems.....needless to say we both became emotionally detached again. She came to me in April wanting to go to marriage counseling. I told her great, you find one I found the last one and you didn't go. After this she started having EA with the father of one of her students(she teaches 3rd grade) whose wife just passed away in March. I found out in June....gut feeling something was going on...found text messages...looked at phone records and son told me that when I am out of town with work(once a week in may) they went to his house. On June 13th she left to go to girlfriends house while I was with our kids, her niece and this guys son...we were all going to amusement park the next day for school picnic. Again gut feeling..had babysitter come to house and drove over to this guys house and found my wife on his bed(he was downstairs..she claimed she was just using bathroom in his bedroom). Guy picked up his kid needless to say. Went to park as a family the next day where she tried to make nice with me. I was still pissed. Told her so the next day and told her that this was exactly the kin of thing her mother would pull(the are estranged...heard stories of her infedlity an craziness). Came home and hauled out by sherrifs because she filed protection order(never ever have been physical with er or kids). Did not spend father's day with my kids. Went to court where she dropped order.....no basis it would have been tossed. She also filed for full custody, support, divorce and welfare...even though I continued to pay bills. She just got her teaching contract which will start in Sept. She had no income coming in. Been attempting to make ld's in lb. Trying to be the best husband and father I can be without losing my pride..ie groveling at her feet. Had custody hearing...looks like I will have either a fifty-fifty split or I will have primary custody. I have a very good attorney...hers not so good. Still cohabitating in the house and some days are really good. Others bad...like when she realized the custody did not go well. Have had some talk about MC. We have hearing to see who gets to stay in house this fri. I believe that willgo well for me. Still trying to save marriage.....she does not like to talk about our issues....we don't talk about it we get along fine. She started texting OM again last nite after she ran into him at football practice...our kids our on same team. One moment she talks like we will still be toghether...the next she hates me. Need help here folks. Did I mention she is diagonosed Bi-polar? on meds for that...schizophrenia and has been abusing anxiety meds...I believe these our contributing factors which I used in custody hearing. Really want to save our marriage, with her having teaching contract and me employed well we can really build a great life for our kids.

Me-39yrs
her-38yrs
son-10
daughter-5

Forgot to mention we are both sober and drug free even though she accused me of using drugs in custody hearing. Also live in small town and after protection order I told a few people....planted the right fires...about what happened and where I found her....I believe this is what she is really po'd about is the damage to her rep. She also has told many people we are getting a divorce and she was supposed to be moving out...she told me this after custody hearing did not go off like she thought it would. I see no attempt by her to pack.

DC, she is a serial cheater. She will always go for the high of a new relationship. You will either be the parent or the kill joy. In other words THE ENEMY. I am sorry to be so blunt. She sounds sociopathic as well. Get custody of the kids.

Yea...I am starting to realize this. She has started seeing a pychotherapist...though I am not supposed to know. The hard part is she is a pretty darn good mom...just a really bad wife.

Expose her to the school as well.

She can't be one without the other. Your children will reflect your dynamics in future relationships. It is what they know. That's why children of abused mothers turn out two ways. Men haters or being abused themselves. Though those are the extremes. They will still model the interaction that they learn from their parents.

Can not agree more. This whole thing is already affecting my kids. The first time she actually got concerned with how things would affect the kids s when the custody didn't go her way. She tried to offer me every other weekend and one day during the week. She had already informed my kids that they would see me every other weekend. Should have final judgement next week though my attorney is confident that it will be at least 50-50. I may appeal to get physical custody unless she starts working on making this right.

Any thoughts on how to move forward if I want to save things?
Spoke to OM....he told me nothing is going on...said he just replied to some pics/jokes she sent. Told him I would appreciate if he didn't respond to her. Would like to save things but I think I am holding out hope that she will change/therapy will kick in. Firm believer that my children are better off with us together.

OK.....we went through an exclusive use of the house hearing this week. Before hand wife was singing and dancing and cracking jokes with me....hearing went well for me....ruling to come after custody ruling comes in. I am still confused....her lawyer tried to make an issue of me trying to do stuff with my wife and as a family as a whole...yet saturday we went shopping all day....she tried on and asked my opinion about outfits for her...made dinner together and watched movie with kids. One moment I think there is hope for saving the marriage and I believe I get that vibe from her...the next she puts on this angry front even though if anyone should be mad it is me. Any thoughts from the female perspective...or anyone who has been through this? Really want to hold things together...am trying to follow Dr. Hartleys advice. Need some help folks.

Have you called the Harleys for phone counseling?

No I have not done so yet. Unfortunately my money has been going to support my wife and children while we reside together not to mention my lawyer. I am gonna try to arrange something this week....hopefully I will have the extra funds.

Why are you supporting your wife?

We are still residing in the same house....custody and exclusive rights to house rulings should come in this week. She starts teaching full time at the end of this month. I am trying to make things work and I take my family responsibilities seriuosly.

Why would you want to stay married to a woman that has cheated on you several times, is diagnosed bi-polar with possible schizophrenia and has done nothing but bring misery and drama to your life?

Don�t say �love� because that isn�t enough. I was once engaged to a woman who was diagnosed as bi-polar, though her mom and I now think it is really more borderline personality disorder. My life would have been a living he77. She has cheated on all of her husbands (4 so far), and really feels no remorse for her bad behavior.

Your kids are better off in a situation where you are split but there is stability than where you stay together in constant turmoil.

I�m all for saving your marriage, but these kinds of mental disorders are really a sentence for the mentally healthy person. My counselor told me that a healthy person will get worse and worse and be brought down by someone who is mentally unhealthy if that other person never responds to help.

You will one day be grateful that this woman is out of your life.

BUT

If you really want to save things, follow the plans here. I�m sorry you�re going through this, but it may end up being better for you in the long run if she has these problems you mentioned. Those are MASSIVE issues not easily �cured�.

She is currently in therapy. I guess I am holding out hope that it will work. She is a good mom for my kids. That is what makes this so hard.

Update

My wife won exclusive use of the house during divorce proceedings. I have to be out by september first. She found out that she got the house and proceeded to attempt to pay off all the utilities, hers books for school, and classroom supplies. I was able to stop most of it. I believe she is/was trying to force me to move in with my mother so she can attempt to get more custody of the kids, hence more support. Support hearing is sept. 7 and she is starting a full time teaching job with good pay. I am hoping to have an apartment today and am considering going back to court to attempt to get back in my house. Have not paid mortgage and we will be 3 months behind on the first. She will not be able to catch up without help. I have been attempting to be the best husband and father that I could be bit still struggled greatly with control issues. Much advice I have gotten has been to cut my losses and call it a day. I still love her though I loathe her at the same time. Is there hope to save things once I move out? We will still be interacting quite a bit with the kids due to all there activities. I truly believe my children are better off with intact parents and also believe that we can still have a loving marriage....if she continues to get help. We tried to talk about things but one problem is she does not entirely understand the divorce laws in PA. This is what leads to conflict when we have discussions about the kids, house, and finances. She refuses to take the time for any couples counseling. Her refusal to discuss what led us to where we are is what has really driven me nuts along with useless lying. Is there still hope? Our 12 year anniversary is September 12th.

Me 39
her 38
BS 10
BD 10

Affair exposed June 2010
She still atempts contact every few weeks....including sending him sexual "comic" texts that people pass around.

Bud, listen, it�s over. I know you don�t wish to accept that, but it�s over. You�re now divorced. There is no coming back.

It�s time to move on and focus on all that matters, which is your kids.

I say this as a man who completely understands how you feel and was in your shoes.

BUT�.

I eventually got over the pain, met a new woman and remarried. I married a woman that is a wonderful woman and who makes me much happier than I ever was with my ex.

The thought of ever returning to my ex is honest to God repulsive. I seriously couldn�t imagine such a thing now without feeling gross about it. But 5 years ago, in your shoes, I felt like you do.

Focus on coparenting and contact your ex as little as possible.

IS it possible to go to a dark plan B? Find a IM to help you get the kids from her and messages about the kids nothing else. If it's about court then go through your lawyer.

There is no divorce yet. Papers have been filed though the 90 day waiting period is not over. I will unfortunately be seeing WW at least 5 days a week if not more. We have both always been active in our childrens activities(soccer, gymnastics, baseball, martial arts) I go to every game or practice that I can. Are you saying Sapphire that a Dark plan B would only be having neccesary contact with her? That fact that my son attends the same school she teaches in complicates matters. She came home after dropping the children at my mothers last night visibly upset. Is she possibly having second thoughts? Or is she just as stressed as I am?

Plan B is no contact for what ever reason!

No calls
No emails
No texts
nothing!

If you see her at the school pretend that you don't see her, if she tries to talk to you say "I'm busy" then leave.

Read up on plan B