Oh man... you have an uphill battle to fight and half of it is going to be your attitude.
First -
I am choosing to let her be mad, hoping that it does not lead to further fighting. Am I wrong in this?
You are very wrong in this, and I don't think I have the days involved to accurately describe how wrong you are. This line of thinking is abusive and destructive. You cannot CHOSE your wife's feelings for her, you cannot choose to ALLOW her to feel any way whatsoever.
I assume that if you were to chose to not 'let her be mad' you would chose to argue, berate, manipulate or browbeat (chose your abusive methodology of choice) her into NOT being mad.
THIS is the way in which you are abusive. THIS is not in the past, this is today, and this is the type of abuse that has led to the MASSIVE withdrawals from your love banks you and your wife commit on a daily basis.
This attitude must STOP if you have any CHANCE of recovery.
Your wife can feel any bloody way she darn well chooses and YOU have no right to 'let' her feel anything. YOU are not in control of your wife. You can influence her moods, yes. But she doesn't need your permission for her feelings, and you cannot deem her feelings arbitrarily 'right' or 'wrong' based on your assessment of reality and then take it upon yourself to educate her.
Feelings exist. The ARE. There is no right or wrong to feelings. Just as there is no right or wrong to opinions. Any attempt to control your wife's feelings is abusive, manipulative and ethically reprehensible.
This attitude, which is probably mutual is what probably leads to:
Like I said, we are both very opinionated people and strong willed. One of the traits I like best about her by the way.
I love this - opinionated and strong willed.
I know ALL about opinionated and strong willed. I'm Hispanic, raised by a gaggle of tiny opinionated, and strong willed, amazing Hispanic women who have the >6' tall men in my family wrapped around their fingers.
I know opinionated and strong willed - I drank it in with my mother's milk and it flows in my blood.
However, I also recognize it for what it REALLY is: an excuse to mistreat people and misbehave.
Having an opinion is GREAT, having a strong will to overcome all obstetrical is also GREAT. However, often people use these descriptors in an attempt to explain away abusive and bad behavior. "I'm not a B!&ch, I'm not mean, I'm just opinionated and strong-willed".
Your fights make so much sense when viewed through this lens. You give yourself and your wife a free pass to abuse and hurt each other on a regular basis - hiding behind the screen of 'opinionated' and 'strong-willed'. I am opinionated and strong willed and I have NEVER yelled or lost it with my husband. My husband have never had 'fights' before they start we walk away because we recognize:
What is loving about constant fighting?
Nothing loving.
What good comes out of a fight?
What marriage problems have you resolved by fighting?
None, obviously. I still feel like my opinion does not count, and thanks to when I did try to be honest, (see previous post,) about deleting a particular contact for real this time, I still get yelled at.
How many lovebank deposits have you made by fighting?
Does fighting make you feel like a winner the following day?
Does fighting make your wife love you more?
What has constant fighting taught your children about relationships?
Perhaps to sum it up, Nothing, no, and not good. And why would it make me feel like a winner when usually I am the one conceding, (though I feel resentful,) no matter the outcome.
Fighting gets you NOTHING. EVER. It never does any good, because all it does is destroy your marriage. PERIOD. That is the ONLY end result of fighting.
I find it interesting how you answered the last question. You say the only reason you don't feel like a winner is because you concede the arguments. The correct answer to the question is to realize that there is NEVER a winner when a husband and wife argue. NEVER.
You're resentful because you always lose the arguments. Boy - you gotta completely change your head, because even if you WIN an argument - you LOSE, because you have further eroded your marriage. If you win, if your wife wins, it doesn't matter - your marriage ALWAYS loses.
The answer is to not FIGHT in the first place.
MB can help you with that.
Finally - as to this last gem of a post of yours:
was also reminded that Satan does not want marriages to work. He will use things like my unfaithfulness against us. And when a WS decides he is done with the things that he has done to damage the marriage and ruin the trust, he may well attack in other ways and through other people who otherwise may be well intentioned. Even to the point that perhaps a comment may be taken as an attack.
To this point as to whether my wife has cheated in the past is NOT an issue. God has sealed our past when we came to him and asked forgiveness. And because Christ has shed His blood for our sins, we stand forgiven before God. It is then with his help and by his mercy that we are able to reconcile on earth.
God has NOT sealed your past. Because your past is affecting you NOW, TODAY. In the end - at the seat of his judgment, you CAN be wiped clean of your sins from this life, but the AFFECTS of those sins will be felt throughout your life unless you address and OVERCOME them.
It is interesting that you use the word reconcile. When something is reconciled, it is settled or resolved. I would say that your issues are no where NEAR settled or resolved. As human behavior is constantly affected by previous actions, knowing the actions that preceded your gross infidelity would definitely be pertinent in CREATING reconciliation.
Nice on the allusion to the fact that the people helping you, those taking time out of their Sunday to HELP you, those who are advising you because they have been where you are and have come out the other side with the type of marriage I hope you dream of - you allude that they are, in effect, the attackers and tools of Satan - Classy move there.
And by golly, she is going to know that she is the most wonderful woman and I will let the whole world know it.
You've done a terrible job of this so far with your affairs. It is going to take YEARS to achieve this goal.
Here is where I am going to draw the line. Yes, what has happened was abusive. No excuse. But for you to judge what I or anyone else deserves is NOT your right. I did not come here to be judged, but rather seek counsel. I am not perfect, and only the one who is perfect may judge me. As Jesus said to the men who brought the cheating woman before him to be stoned, "Let he who has no sin cast the first stone." As He wrote in the sand, each man slipped away not casting a stone upon her. If this woman, who was caught in the act, could be forgiven by Jesus and turn her life around, there is NO reason that I can not do the same.
Based on your above description of interactions with your wife, you are CURRENTLY abusing her, thus you are ABUSIVE. Based on when the incident with the contact info happened - you are STILL considered wayward, you are still susceptible to relapsing into your affair. Until you come through your withdrawal you are STILL a danger to your wife. Your affair was one of the most ABUSIVE things you could do to your wife.
The reason you don't deserve to have a marriage is because you have THROWN it away. The only reason you still have a marriage is because your abused wife has decided to give you a CHANCE, because of her GRACE. NOT because you deserve it.
You, quite frankly, defecated on your marriage. You buy your kid a nice new $1,000 laptop and he throws it in the street and takes a big dump on it, you gonna buy him a new one because he 'deserves' it?
Didn't think so.
Sinners love to use the story of the cheating woman who would have been stoned. They forget that AFTERWARDS, Christ's parting words to her are 'Go your way and sin no more.'
Her forgiveness is contingent on the fact that she will cease her sinning.
You, sir, have yet to prove that you can 'Go your way and sin no more.' Until you have proven that to your wife, she would be stupid to forgive you. You CAN be forgiven. But this isn't an over-night process. This is a YEARS long process.
Let me say again:
a YEARS long process.
YEARS.
And you have a LOT of changes to make.
The first is to eliminate your Love Busters and remove the excuses you give yourself for bad behaviors.