Hey everyone-

Things were going well until last night. He was in bed next to me TEXTING with her. He said they were just seeing how the other one was doing. He was APOLOGIZING that she was going through a rough time because of my exposure to her family.

Are you kidding me?

We talked and I continued to tell him it was NOT okay for them to be talking. I texted her and asked her to stop. No.

He says she's his friend and needed advice. Really? Pretty sure he has a million other friends he could go to.

Their EA is still active, even after exposure.

What do I do now? :-/

Sounds to me like its the right time for plan B.

You would continue Plan A and ensure that you use the tick part of Plan A as well. The next time that there is texting going on, you touch his arm and say, "I will not accept a marriage where you have a girlfriend, would you like some tea?" He needs to know that it is unacceptable for him to carry on this affair. You need to do both carrot and stick of PLan A.

I read about plans A and B, but I'd like to hear it from you guys. The carrot and stick plan.

Thank you all for your support so far.

Racho,

It doesn't seem like you are answering the posts that you are getting. It seems more like you are just letting us know what you are doing as you are doing it without waiting for feedback.

You were asked a couple times about your evidence. Again, what do you have? I know you said you have the emails with song lyrics. Do you have anything else? What else do the emails say aside from the lyrics? Do you have phone and text records? Is he also talking to her?

You were asked about a VAR. Have you considered that? Usually you can get pretty solid evidence when the WS is talking in the car to the OP (which is very common).

Next, you said that your H isn't happy that you are checking his emails. OK, you aren't supposed to let him know that you are snooping. You want to do all this quietly so that he won't take things further underground. Probably he's got a secret email account now or will soon. Did you put a keylogger on your computer/s?

Your exposure sounds like it was done in a trickle fashion and you didn't use the form letters or the strategy that we usually recommend. Phone calls are best to members of both of your families, we have a "script" of what to say...and we have a form letter for her FB friends and family. You want to hit everyone on one day, you want the exposure communication to be short and to the point and be sure to use the word "affair". Lets regroup and do this the right way...nuclear style. Tell us again exactly who you exposed to. Before you expose to anyone again, let us make sure you have the evidence you need.

You also need to stop lovebusters and start meeting ENs, which is the Carrot of Plan A, focusing on making yourself the more attractive choice and the home a pleasant place to be. I will be back with the link...

Carrot & Stick of Plan A

I apologize if it seems I'm not answering questions. My mind is in a big jungle lately.

*I have only seen those emails with lyrics and some flirtation.

*I have seen a couple of texts that he showed me. Nothing too serious.

*He DID admit they were talking in an EA kind of way. He said they had texted and emailed. He admitted that he had feelings for her. She also told one of my other dearest friends the same thing when confronted. All of the emails and texts were deleted and I wasn't able to see.

*I didn't have the slightest clue about plan A. (Details). I was only going off of what I've seen in other posts.

*I did the exposure to all family members and friends. I didn't know there was a "formal" letter to send. I just wrote the facts down and explained everything to them. I received SOME responses, but a lot didn't write back.

*I just read the link (thank you!) for the carrot thing. I actually have been doing that lately. Being the "perfect" wife and not bothering him. I stay calm. I ask him once a day if they talked. Since yesterday, it's been "no."


We are getting along better today. One day at a time.

Now what?

Also, I'm (obviously) new to this site, so I don't really understand the lingo sometimes. If you could please spell it out for me I'd really appreciate it.

Unfortunately, you aren't getting along if he is still having an affair. Racho, you are going to have to get tougher here if you want to save your marriage. He is destroying your marriage.

I would DEMAND that he end all contact TODAY by sending her a no contact letter and changing all of his contact information. Until he can get a new cell phone #, you should exchange cell phones. [the letter should be written together, approved by you and sent by you. use the sample letter in Surviving an Affair]

If he won't end his affair, I would plan on separating by asking him to move out. Staying with him while he carries on an affair is very abusive to you and will eventually destroy any remaining love you have for him. It will tear you down emotionally.

I read your email to his mother and if I were his mother I wouldnt have the slightest idea what was going on because you didn't describe his AFFAIR as an affair. i would call her up and say "MIL, your son is having an AFFAIR with my friend and I need your help to put an end to this."

As a mother of a 28 year old boy, I would take action if you told me that. But I wouldn't think "he is talking to some woman" meant too much. If I were your son's mother, I would end his affair myself. We have had other mothers put an end to affairs so it is always a good idea to enlist their help.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html




[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

I think the separation might be a better idea. I highly doubt he'd agree to send this letter to the OW. He still considers her his "friend".

Good idea with the MIL. I will write/call her tomorrow and give her more details about the situation. I really hope she helps with this.

Thank you so much for the link to the letter. I will talk to him when he gets off of work tomorrow and see if he's willing to send it. It probably won't happen; but at least I can say I tried.

Thank you.

Racho, he considers her his romantic partner which means it is not appropriate to stay in contact with her. The better idea is for him to end all contact, but if he won't do that, I would tell him that his continued contact is too painful for you and that he needs to move out.

AFTER he moves out, we will help you with a Plan B letter and show you how to settle matters with him.

I would also ask his mother to intervene and end the affair. Hopefully she will try and help her son.

It would be me moving out. Probably to my mother's. I'm at home with the kids while he works and pays the bills. I'm already looking around online to get a degree so I can financially support my children if it comes down to divorce. It's a good idea to be independent financially anyway, because ya never know.

You should not leave the house, HE SHOULD you did nothing wrong, he was the one that is ruining the marriage by staying in contact with this woman.

Talk to his mom and see if he can stay with her.

Until then DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE!

RAcho, I would ask him to move out. He would have to continue to pay the bills and support you as usual. You and the kids should not be displaced because he decides to have an affair.

His mom lives across the country.

I was looking around the forums tonight and got this letter and edited it a bit before sending it to our families and friends again. It's more informative.

"(To my friends and family. I'm sending this to all of you at once.)

My husband and my old friend of 7 years are having an emotional affair.

Our marriage means everything to me. I believe in marriage, and that our marriage can and should be the focus of our lives. Our two children deserve a stable family with both parents in the house. I love my husband, and want us to be successful - together - in creating a loving future for them.

What our marriage can withstand is getting over this rough spot. What it cannot withstand is this third party interference, or for this affair to continue. I'm asking for your support for our marriage, to discourage this affair, and your support and understanding that we CAN work things out and recover the union. We will need your help, and God's help. Please pray for the recovery of our marriage and family.

Feel free to contact him if you have words of encouragement to get him out of this "thing".

I love all of you. Thank you.

-Rachael"


I sent it to even more people that I didn't think of sending it to before. Hopefully the message gets through better this time.

and I would add: and WH has admitted of having feelings for her and refuses to stop contacting her and so does she.


The more I read on this forum the more I see how childish WS are!
They risk everything for something so meaningless...really they risk everything for absolutely NOTHING.

I blame it on FB and instant messaging a lot.
I just opened facebook and noticed that my brother in law is now corresponding with his ex girlfriend....this is very dangerous. But you see a lot of people (probably his wife included) buy into the "we are just friends" claim.
How sad.
blessing

Racho,

Here's exactly what you need to reply the next time you WH claims that they're "just friends" and that he should be able to keep talking to here.

Racho to WH:

"Nobody puts a marriage of 5 years in such jeapordy just to carry on with someone who is 'just' a friend. You don't chose 'just a friend' over your wife. Your actions show clearly that she is much more than 'just a friend'. And that is what it will come down to, it's either her or me. I will NOT continue in a three-way relationship."

He's trying to negotiate or gaslight you into accepting this situation. You must be clear that you will NOT accept it.

She's already sent it out.

I think you did fine Rach. Now prepare for the backlash. I hope you didn't tell WH (wayward husband) what you did. He will find out and will probably be angry, expect it. They ALL get angry. You just remain calm and collected and respond with something like, "I know you're upset, I would be too. Would you like a cookie dear?" Don't get into it with him. Plan A for now... and start preparing for Plan B. You want to do this right.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair" yet? Put it at the top of your "To Do" list. It's IMPORTANT!