Hi,
some of you may recall my recent post. Unfortunately things have taken a bad turn the last few days. my wife again told me very bluntly she does not love me and will not try to restore the lost feelings she said she doesnt have it in her. we have been together 8 yrs and married for 2 i am 34 she is 31. she wants to talk about division of assets snd moving on.

i am completely gutted everything i hold close has been ripped away and my best friend is gone. i cannot imagine my life without her. through the 4 mths of this ordeal things have kept getting worse my love dwindles more everyday but i still want it all back. im finding it impossible to let go. i cannot get through to my wife. she is so far gone is now cruel and heartless. she has admitted to a 1mth affair she denies it is ongoing and i believe this is true from what i can tell. it never got sexual or so im told just a kiss. but who knows and does it even matter anymore.

im a so worried about finding the strength to go through this process. my parents are completely stressed. friends dont know what to or say and the inlaws are distant and ignoring me. i have limited support and feel i can no longer do anything more for my marriage. i will be extremely strained financially and it will be tough to hold on to the home as we relied on 2 wages. my wife is taking one of our dogs who im very close to. i wont have cash to replace appliances and the list goes on.

what do i do where do i find strength. how do i let go of the feelings and should i, i dont want to but cant fight alone

what is even more painfull is the reasons or lack of. before we were married i got very ill and had a suspected tumor which came as a huge and sudden shock and i developed permenant tinnitus and anxiety problems in addition to jaw dislocation. it took over a year to rebuild myself and regain some strength. but i did and luckily the tumour proved false but the symptoms remain. i have struggled for 3 years but am on road to recovery and cope well but have bad days sometimes. my wife says she cannot deal with this and has been escaping me by working long hours. she has ignored me and resentment has built up. she says she doesnt respect me or have pride in me. despite the fact i have learned to live and cope with the tinnitus very well and overcome much of the anxiety. i cannot believe she is doing this to me. she says she is angry at me and has intentionally been trying to cause harm. she says i have been distant emotionally which i have as i became focussed on health and recovery. but i always loved my wife and tried to do the right thing and show love hard to do though when she has been running away.

Nath, did you live together before you got married?

Did you expose this affair?

Friends
Family
work
neighbors
OM's wife and family/friends?

If not then you might be able to save this marriage.

nath - I'm sorry you are here but you have come to the best place for recovering your marriage. I'm sure all the vets will be here soon to get you started on the right path. As a long time lurker, be sure you follow all of their advice EXACTLY as prescribed. I promise you they know what they're talking about and you can come out the other side of this with your wife and a better marriage. And READ, READ, READ all the material here and other threads.

aBetterMe

...And Nath, keep your posts in ONE thread. It's a lot easier for others to understand your situation.

Do you have children? If not, end it now while you are not on the hook for children with this cheater.

If you have children, file for a temporary custody order. Do not agree to leave the marital home, or to allow the children to remain in the primary custody of the unfaithful wife.

If you want to save the marriage, it has to look better than the alternative, which is divorce and possibly not having primary custody of her children.

Make sure she understands that since it's her idea to no longer be married, you are not willing to allow that to impact your relationship with YOUR children. Make sure she understands that if she wants to go, she can leave immediately. But if she wants to take what you've worked for, it will be a hard fight as you consider everything part of the family and her decision to leave is her decision to leave the family. In your mind, that means she is leaving everything to be gone from you.

So she can leave now, and have a suitcase full of clothes, her half of the debt, and every other weekend with any children, or she can end her affair, and put her efforts into building a fulfilling marriage.

You have to expose the affair.

The marriage has to look like the better choice if there is any chance to save the marriage.

I can understand how you feel as I had the same treatment from my WH. Cruel and distant and totally fed up witht he M. I suspect that they developed contempt against us and hate which are hard to turn into love.
If you do not have kids you will spare yourself a lot of suffering by resigning yourself to call it quits.
However do follow the advice given here and do not give up any of your assetts or your home.
blessings

thanks for support, luckily i have no children. just 2 dogs i love dearly and have spent so much time with lately withy wife being so distant. Im scared to lose either one of them but financially i cannot keep 2. it will be a stretch to even make payments to keep the house. for now though i will have support financially from my parents.

it is truely a hearbreaking thing to experience. Such a big problem i dont even know where to start my recovery. it has all happened so fast from a good marriage with normal issues to this in 3 mths. No real warning signs just an overnight shut down. Never any effort from here to fix our issues. she just wants to walk away and even be friends. which of course i said i have no desire to be i only want her in my life if she wants to work at marriage.

i have tried all i exposed to everyone and i believe this worked. He called it off but she did not and i think this really got to her. She cant get past it and i think is angry at me. she even sent an email at one stage stating her desire to restore our marriage this lasted 1 wk. im so confused. maybe it is best to just let her leave. i just dont think i should leave my home.

nath, you don't believe it now, but the odds are high that you don't have and didn't have a "good" marriage with normal issues. I use to think the same way about mine. I look back now and see how there were major problems from the start.

She will be angry because of exposure, but the exposure ends the affair (often, not always).

Ending the affair gives you the best chance at recovery.

But seriously, you can do better. Don't settle for scraps.

your right we used to have a good marriage but havent for a while. before we were married our 6 yrs together were awesome. she was the girl you dream of. work slowly displaced me and my illness lead her to lose respect and admiration and eventually love. now she is cold uncaring and hurtfull and full of lies. i found out tonight she has spread rumours about me trying to hit her completely untrue. i dont understand this at all. im a loving caring husband who wants to fix his marriage i would never do this. i am slowly coming to terms with ending this and moving on. this is not fair and i deserve better it will be hard but for the best. i tried all i could and it failed.

Before you do anything else, go buy yourself a digital recorder and carry it with you always. Tape your conversations with her. You may not think she would call the cops on you and lie about abuse, but many women have. There are stories here that demonstrate how a BH was removed from his home and stories about how a WW went to jail for lying to police. Don't be the first one!

You live with her before you got married?

That's a recipe for almost guaranteeing a divorce.

Living together is not a committment and the odds are high one or both of you had issues you neglected to deal with or you tolerated in order to not end the relationship.

In marriage you have to deal with those things.

People who live together a long time and then get married have very high divorce rates. More often than not, one of the partners gets disappointed when things don't improve as they expected after marriage.

So the marriage ends.

She's not all that. Trust me. She isn't.

There's so many women in the world that my experiences have taught me that being with one that cheats and that you don't have kids with isn't worth any effort.

There's plenty that can fill her shoes who won't cheat.

So consider yourself lucky. You don't feel that way now, but you will one day when you look back and you see her for who she really is.

Trust me when I tell you this. There's many women in my life that I thought were the greatest thing since slice bread. They all cheated.

I then re-examined my life and my choices in women and came away with a better understanding and was very particular with who I dated afterwards.

I'm now married again and am very happy and am grateful my ex left. It was one of the best things she could have ever done for me.

So there is life ahead of you.

All great advice thank you very much for this, Its really hard to accept the end of it at the moment but it seems to hit in waves. Moments I feel so down and hopeless. Others I see the positives. Friends have been telling me its for the best and that it will feel good to end this horrible chapter once I have gone through a tough few months.

My wife has been writing such horrible things about me. She has been telling so many lies and untruths and exaggerations. Its no wonder her family has disowned me. The counsellor she is seeing has her believing i was an emotionally abusive partner, not true. This is the same counsellor who is meant to be helping restore our marriage. He has actually destroyed the last bit of love we had and pushed her away, he has fallen for the stories she has told. I haven't been perfect but abusive I was not, I was a supportive loving husband who made mistakes, who has never layed one finger on her or anybody in anger. In fact i try to live by buddhist ideals and that is the worst thing i could ever do. I look forward to the day that I can say this ending is the best thing that could happen, and be thankful it was a short marriage with no children involved.

My wife has changed so much i dont see that person i love. I want that person back but I dont think she is there anymore. In her place is a person who acknowledges with pride that she is selfish and has tried to be hurtful. What can one say to this i just try not to get angry, and want to be better than her.

How did some of you deal with the early stages and rebuild confidence and trust in others. I feel i gave my all to somebody who used me. Who didnt even care enough to fight to save it. Who now says the marriage was just a "bit of paper and means nothing"

I am still meant to be seeing this counsellor. The same one that has been trying to talk to me about re-establishing our love has been killing it in sessions with my wife. Is this normal for split sessions or am I being betrayed. Should I trust him with my recovery.

Drop the counselor. I don't know what to say about the split sessions, but most marriage counselors see the couple together.

If you insist on continuing I would insist on joint sessions so you can at least make sure your counselor is getting the truth.

Quote

"The same one that has been trying to talk to me about re-establishing our love has been killing it in sessions with my wife. Is this normal for split sessions or am I being betrayed."

You are being betrayed.

My suggestion is that you save your money and counsel with the Harley's. They do counsel separately, but save marriages daily. Put your money to the best use and counsel with Harley's please.

Sorry, I haven't read your whole thread, but I don't think you need to continue with this counselor. He is helping your wife destroy your marriage. Your WW has brainwashed the counselor you are seeing with her 'fog'. It is very typical that the unfaithful spouse re-writes history.

We all make mistakes in our marriages, it is up to you to own your part and change your wrong behaviors, but you are NOT responsible for your wife's actions and LIES.

Please make an appointment with Harley's.

Best wishes!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Quote

Before you do anything else, go buy yourself a digital recorder and carry it with you always. Tape your conversations with her. You may not think she would call the cops on you and lie about abuse, but many women have. There are stories here that demonstrate how a BH was removed from his home and stories about how a WW went to jail for lying to police. Don't be the first one!

ITA with unfettered.

You need to be very careful, you could be out of the house with a domestic violence charge on your records.

Please protect yourself, your WW seems to be determined to make you out to be abusive, and all it takes is one call and a lie to the police and your life will REALLY be changing then. We have seen it many times on these boards, and I have witnessed this personally. I cannot stress enough that you need to protect yourself.

Best wishes,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Nath,
she turned into something you do not recognize because that "something" was in her all along, just dormant.
You can find better, you have no kids and a history of health issues. Living with someone like your WW will cause you even more stress and even more health problems.
take the band aid off all at once, suffer once and look for someone who better deserves you
blessing

The only reason I think I find myself not totally able to close the book on her is that I truly believe she is not well and really in a bad place or soon will be when all this comes crashing down.

Last night I came home to her crying and then going on to tell me how greatly she is going to miss me in her life. I then told her that this has been her doing not mine. She has told me the counsellor or somebody else (parents? she wouldnt say) has told her it will take 5yrs to recover our relationship due to my "emotional problems" I am so angry about the way this has all been done and the blame completely assigned to me.

My wife truly is delusional at the moment and accepts no fault and does not understand what is happening. I have spent thousands of dollars on marriage counselling only to have one joint session months ago in which I was blamed for everything along with my family up bringing. No blame was assigned to my wife in fact she was told she didnt cheat or have an affair just kissed a man. Despite Countless phone calls lies and coverups. She now believes this to be the case. Im not sure why she is creating a scenario of me being an abusive partner that is not true in order to escape somebody she will miss greatly.

It does not add up or make any sense. Im a good husband not perfect but good and caring my illness has led me to make some big mistakes but never anything unforgivable. I keep hearing about these problems which in some cases happened over 3 years ago that a supposed stumbling blocks now. I have heard every insult and hurtful thing a wife could throw at a husband as im sure many of you have as well. Its so hard to see where this ability to hurt our closest friend and husband comes from and how fast somebody can change. I am now in a position where I have to get valuations on the home and work out finances to look after myself without her in my life but its tough especially when its a struggle to even get on with the day.

Nath,
unfortunately a bad M couselor can do a lot of harm. I know by experience as I had a bad one a number of years ago who told my H I was bipolar when in reality I am not. So that stuck in my H's minds as I am the one that should be medicated and who has huge problems.
You see, the wayward mind will never blame itself for anything, they always point fingers at others and their spouse of course is the #1 target.
We are full of blame and the OP is a saint.
Your wife is just fine, do not think she is ill. I used to think my WH was hill then I figured out he was madly in love with OW, he was blowing kisses at her from the balcony and then he was all sad and miserable when he was around me or son.
You can see that their misery is selective, they are sad and cry around us, but they are all fine and dandy with OP. They are in the fog. that is not a disease but a condition that will last as long as the A lasts. In fact it might never end if they never end the A.
Please, take care of yourself, you are the one who needs care now. YOu WW is just a cruel person who cares less about you and wants out of the M. Do you want to pine after someone like that? Yes, keep the good memories of her when she was nice, but do not count on her to be that one again any time soon and in the meantime, protect yourself from her hurting you over an over again.
blessing