Nothing will change until NC is established. As long as she gets her fix, she will continue the addiction. In my case, I was able (eventually) to eliminate my wife's ability to contact OM. It was a lot of effort. She used to hide money in secret spots around the house so she could buy phone cards. Just like an addict hiding little stashes. We still found them from time to time years later.

Plan A is Plan A regardless of what WW is doing.

Is there any way you can take extreme measures to cut off her ability to maintan the A? Cup of coffee spilled on the computer? Cell phone run over accidentally by the car?

If you aren't muslim and her family is and if her father is so religious, I'm surprised he allowed her to marry you. That's a little out of character.

I understand you have exposed some. You have to make the A unpleasant for her. Expose until it hurts. Is OM muslim? In Syria, that is a stoning offense.

After I finally cut off all contact with OM, my wife was meaner than a feral cat for weeks and then indifferent for months. She threatened to leave a few times and a few times I packed her bags for her. After about 6 months of NC, things improved.

Until you have NC, nothing much is going to change.

Thanks Piojitos. No, OM is a Chrisitian, which makes her part in it even that much more preposterous....but either way, she is/was caught up in it.

The A is definitely unpleasant for her...she blamed me left right and center for telling people, especially her father...called me crazy and childish, etc. But, him and I are on the exact same page.

After I get phone records today it will open up the veil for me and I'll be able to see what kind of contact they are still making, if any, and will take action.

All that being said, we had a pretty good evening together. We even danced together a bit when the kid fell asleep. That's a huge issue we have...our son is a horrible sleeper and goes to bed basically at the same time we do so we nearly never get alone time.

just saw she sent him an email and some pictures... this sucks.

What should I do about that?

Either keep going on your plan A, or do a plan B. This is your decision you know what plan you want to take or should be in, not us.

Can you keep going on with plan A knowing full well they are still contacting? Or are you at the point where you can't take it any longer and YOU MUST go to plan B?

If you next step is to go to plan B, then I suggest you start writing your plan B letter NOW, then post it before you give it to her so we can help you out with it.

GOOD LUCK!

Thanks. I'm still wanting to Plan A...it's only been a month. But, it just kills me (and everyone else in this situation).

I just wish I could get her to cut contact...that's all I want!

This was one of her other email addresses that she used for 'work' but she never changed the password back to the old one. Should I casually bring it up and ask her to and her yahoo as well? She changed back her hotmail and I thanked her for it.

She wont end the contact, if you are still wanting to work your plan A then do not confront her, she already knows that she is still in contact, you dont need to let her know that

I would still write your plan B letter anyway, you know it is not ending, and right now you are only focusing on making your plan A to be the best plan A ever!! So write it, and get prepared, being prepared is the best thing you can do for yourself.

I would start separating your finances as well, if you have joint accounts, take all your money and put it in a separate account, etc..

Like I said start getting prepared

witw,

You're doing well. You're keeping your head and following the advice given to you fairly well.

BUT....

She's going to stay in contact until you take a drastic step. Plan B is likely what it's going to take.

You're learning that she's not to be trusted.

So what is your next move?

Gather your electronic evidence. Get it all together and have a final confrontation. I'm talking about being ice cold, unemotional, Mr. Cool.

You need to act like a hardass interrogator who has all the answers.

How do you do this?

You ask her if she's contacted him recently. She'll lie. You call her on her lie, tell her that you know better.

She'll raise her objections more. That is when you let out one small piece of evidence that you have. Perhaps the date and contents of an email. Perhaps the email itself.

She might freak, talking about how you're violating her privacy. Don't change your tone or your game. Very matter of fact tell her that she is the one who is lying and is caught in the lie.

You then ask her about something else. She'll deny that too, but she does it with a more worried look, wondering what else you know.

You let out your next piece of evidence.

You then say, "shall we do this all night or do you simply wish to come clean and tell me what I already know?"

She's likely to spill more info than you imagined.

At this point, you can take it in two directions, but the direction you should follow is that you ask her to leave.

You drop Plan B on her, with your strict and hard conditions, and then walk away.

The whole time you do this, you're cool as a cucumber, unemotional. Think James Bond.

Then you have to follow through.

Well, it's been about 2 months now and I've been reading but this could use an update.

I'd say we are more in the 'Recovery' phase, but it still feels like she's in withdrawal to me. I discovered this morning she had sent a woe-is-me type email to the OM (among other things I've seen her correspond with him over the past several months) and attempted to delete it, but didn't really deleted it... anyhow, I told her I saw it. The other day, I called her in the middle of a walk down the street to go just see the guy at his place of work...after which she aborted the mission so to speak and didn't talk to him. According to her, those are the only two contacts she's had with him. I know she is still checking his FB every now and then but unsure about phone because I can't track it.

Basically, she is still very much the Taker and I'm very much the Giver. I believe she isn't talking to him on a regular basis but there definitely has not been NC established. She is giving me the line of she "needs to do it on her own time and figure herself out" before she can offer me what I need. She wants me to stop expecting her to react certain ways or in response to what I'm giving her... that when she sees me feeling bad that it in turn makes her feel guilty and 'forces' her to do something she doesn't want to do, give me affection.

Basically, the roller coaster ride is a rough one. It seems I have to try to restart my Plan A on a daily basis after it gets side tracked. I try not to do any LB's, but I'm sure I do some when we talk about our relationship, which I probably do a bit too much of...but she's constantly asking me "what are you thinking?" or "why are you sad?" or "why can't you sleep?" when she knows why. She still acts quite angry at times for our past.

BUT, She says she wants to work on our marriage and not leave me and our son...............

Since it's been a while since my last update I don't know what else to say so maybe I'll answer some of your comments and/or questions. I just am completely worn out.

Sounds like she is still in contact to me, how long are you going to put up with this?

Start preparing yourself with a plan B.

I realized I wrote this almost 2 months now.

I think you need to be in plan B NOW.

Sorry nothing has changed NOTHING!!!

So go it already, what are you waiting for?

So...lets do this already shall we??

GO TO PLAN B

Well, thanks for the tips. I guess I'm willing to try my Plan A for a while longer and I will stop confronting her. They say some are willing to go longer than others, right? We live in Africa (I work for the USG) and implementing Plan B here would be a logistical nightmare. We leave in December for a 1 month vacation back in the U.S. then onto our next location so I'm giving it until then to see if I need to go for the gusto with Plan B or not...and I really hope not. She keeps telling me that she really is looking forward to our vacay because that's when we always connected in the past so she is hoping that rekindles something in her for me, as well. We're even going on a Disney Cruise with our son for a week. I soooo wish it was December already........

Anyhow, I just know even though she isn't "in love" with OM and she even admits that there is no way they could be together because of various factors that any time she does indeed contact it puts our Conflict Stage/Recovery back at the beginning and even puts her back into Withdrawal and she just doesn't get that....instead she just wants to do things her way.

She's actually very slowly reading Love Busters but I don't think she is putting much stock in it. I think she is projecting everything she reads onto me for my past transgressions instead of seeing what she did as just as wrong - which I truly feel she doesn't feel that it was yet.


I wrote it maybe a month ago and hope I don't have to use it.

hi want it to work,
I have read through your post and you don't want to hear this but she is still in a relationship with this OM, you know of a couple of times but I'm sure there are plenty of times of contact you know nothing about.
She is not committing to you and your family other than she is still there, she is cake eating, getting something from both of you........
Why would she change that, she will do this until you take a stand and refuse to take a woman involved with another man..........
I would sit her down, show her the evidence you have and tell her it's time for her to chose which life and which man she wants to be committed to......
Tell her if she doesn't stop contacting the OM totally that she will have to move out and move on with that life she now choses.......
Tell her you want all access to her phone, comp and any other way of communication.......
She will send a NO CONTACT letter that you both approve and you will send it yourself......
Then you will work on your marriage together just the two of you......
If she won't of say she needs more time tell her this is it, she can move out and figure things out on her own, that you need to do this for yourself and to perserve your love for her.......
She needs to live her life feeling the brunt of what she is doing to your marriage and her family.........
She needs to feel like what life would be like without you, if you are not taking care of her, she won't like it, she will miss it and you......
She will see the OM for what he is and she will have to really think about any kind of future with the OM, you know it won't work, she does to but until you make her really think about that she won't think rationally........
This part is hard to step up and let them go but it's your only shot...
Expose to everyone that you are trying to save your marriage but she will not contacting the OM and you can't be in a relationship with her if she is involved with someone else,
Tell her you love her and when she is willing to commit to only you, you will be there for her willing to forgive and work on the marriage.....
good luck

jessie,

I'm "pretty sure" she is not in regular contact with the OM. I've tried the "I won't tolerate you contacting him in this house" and it completely didn't work...so now I'm on more of the just Plan A'ing it until I can't take it anymore.

I really want to stick out with some Plan A at least until we leave here for good in December... I can't leave her stranded here at a friends house in Africa.

But, Plan B is on the horizon and I will implement it if it doesn't stop.

Thanks for your caring and advice.

So we were having an OK weekend. Had a good 'date' on Friday night where she was rather mushy and smiley like when we first started dating....and the rest of the weekend wasn't bad (until last night).

She is still cold most of the time like she is purposely holding back. Last night on the couch when our son was asleep we just started chatting a bit and she did the standard 'so what are you thinking' and I didn't say much. Basically, after a few minutes of talking it came back out to her needing to find herself and she's not ready to show me anything because she doesn't know what she wants. I was giving her lines straight from the various Dr. Harly books (working on our marriage, creating new memories, the Giver and Taker, etc) but she basically pushed back on all of it, instead focusing on a small book she read about being assertive last year or so and saying how I don't understand her at all and what she is saying. It was not my intention to talk about things last night, she kind of started it and got somewhat upset and at that point I just told her I love her and went to bed.

She is ill today, was throwing up last night. She tends to do that to herself when she gets upset so she is getting a lot of sympathy from me at the moment. Not happy I have to be at work.

We have a chance to go on a short working escape from here to Morocco for about a week next month and I'd love for them to come with me, but she keeps saying she wants time alone. I've already told her I would love to take her and my son and she agreed and is looking forward to it. However, after she keeps saying she wants some time just by herself should I offer to just go alone and giver her a few days (it would only be 3 nights/4 days if I go alone) to feel what that is like? I know this opens up opportunity for her to possibly see OM, but she could do that anyway regardless if I'm around or not.

Last, she keeps talking about getting pregnant. She even ordered a fertility calculator. Mind you, we have had SF maybe 4 times in the last 3 months and it's something she's holding back on considerably since DDay. Said it's something that may 'fix' our marriage.... that right there tells me she doesn't get it. I wish I could get through to her.

Have to purchase tickets soon, anyone have advice on if she shoudl stay or go to Morocco?

She should go

Is it possible she's already pregnant?

I was thinking the same thing, OMC perhaps? I just didnt want to jump to conclusions. Spread false rumors and stuff. Ill go by witw words and agree that she throws up when she is upset (weird).

I didn't even think about this!! No wonder she has been in a goody goody mood with you, because she knows she pregnant....with OM CHILD!!