I no longer have any clue as to what to do. I have been married for 10years and we have both had affairs. Mine was a little over a year ago and I was ready to divorce my wife when it happened. My wifes happened about 2 months ago and she has been very distant and she says that she wants to work on our marriage but her actions show me something totally different.

Whenever I try to talk to her about our relationship I am pressuring her. When she wants to talk about it I am always the bad guy and the cause of our problems at the moment. I have been trying to get closure to God amd Christ during this and hoping that her heart will change.

What really has me going right now is she has been talking to someone that is married and that she met through Craig's list. I told her that this hurt me when one night I tried to talk to her and she told me that she was tired. When she did come in to talk to me she laid down with me for a couple of minutes then got up and told me "I know that your not going to understand but I am going to call VXX" I won't mention his name because he isn't the one at fault. She had told me that she had started talking to him and that there was nothing sexual going on that all they were doing was talking.

It really bothered me when she was still on the phone a half an hour later when her son called. After I heard her say good bye to her son I heard her still talking on the phone. I went outand she asked my why i was mad and I told her that I wasn't mad I was just really hurt. She didn't want to hear it. THat what she was doing wasn't wrong and that if she wanted to talk to VXX she would. I asked her if it was alright to keep dooing something even though she knew it hurt me. She said that it was and to relax.

The next day we got in to a huge fight when I tried to tell her how it made me feel and with what I found out she told our pastor who has been counseling us. I left because things were going no where and we both were saying hurtful things and making things worse. I was gone for a couple of hours but she started calling me about a half an hour after I left sayijng that she would never call or speak to VXX again. I finally decided to come home and she promised that she wouldn't talk to him again. That night I noticed that she was texting someone very late. I gave her the benifit of the doubt and let it go mainly because I was tired of fighting.

The next night I noticed that she was texting again. I came out to go have a cigarette and as I walked by I asked who she was talking to. It was who I thouhgt it was even after she promised me that she wouldn't. Actually when I asked her she tried to hide her phone. I left and as I walked out the door I told her that I was going to a hotel. She texted me saying that she would never talk to VXX again if I would only come home this was within 15 min of my leaving. I asked to give me a reason why I should let her keep stomping on my heart. I did go back after about an hour.

The next day she had to fly to Seattle and left early in the morning. I went to Church and told our pastor what happened. and spent the rest of the day crying from the pain that I was feeling and praying to God to make the pain go away.

THis morning I woke up in a little better spirits but still very sad. However I was a man on a mission I was going to research how to get the intimacy back in our marriage.I spent a lot of time doing this while our son did his school work and after he went to bed. I texted my wife to call me when she got out of training. When she called I asked her that when she came home to just be open to what I was trying to do and I told her that I was working on changing myself and was going to trying to build the intimacy that our marriage needs. Meaning mental, spirital, and emotional intimacy. She started in about all of the things that I am doing wrong and how I was smothering her and how I am pushing her away and that talkoing to VXX wasn't wrong. I asked her if she was talking to him and she said no but that if she wanted to she would and I couldn't tell her no. This really hurt me to the point that I couldn't eat. (That seems to be happening alot) but I bit my tongue and didn't say anything because I didn't want to fight with her on my birthday.

Right now I am pretty much finished and no longer want to try. I am thinking about moving out when she returns from Seattle at the end of the week and not coming back. I would liek some feedback on this and what others think I should do. BTW I have already forgiven her for the affair that she had.

AnchM,
You should probably have this moved to the SAA forum. Ask one of the monitors to move it. More folks there to help.

Thank you

Anchorage
Sorry that you have to be here. What you now have to do is listen to the experienced advice you will be receiving from this site and make sure that you listen, even though it may go against what you feel should be your next step.
I am relatively new here but from my read of your situation and having read the required books, it seems to me that you need to go into plan B, but as I said those with more experience will be responding to you shortly I am sure.
Good luck!!

Some questions:

Do you have ANY contact with your OW at all?
Was your A exposed to anyone?
What did you do after your A ended to show your W that you were recommited to the M and making protecting her a priority?


Next, your WW is acting just like any other person does when they are in an A. Do you know who OM is? This needs to be exposed to OMW ASAP...it will most likely end the A...

You need to expose this affair to everyone

Family
Friends
co-workers
and ESPECIALLY the OM's wife!

once you do that the affair will DIE immediately.

but before you expose you need to get more evidence, phone records, emails, FB, etc..once you gather all the information then expose.

The reason why exposure is so important because...

A. It kills the affair dead on it's track

B. The fog will start to lift

and

C. It gives the the person who is committing the adultery a reality CHECK!

It is not a revenge thing NO NO NO NO NO! It is actually the ONE step you HAVE to do in order to get your wife back and to save this marriage.

P.S
I bet you anything the OM is with her in Seattle, sorry to say but I believe it. Check out her hotel room and find out if she is staying with someone else.

Thank you for your replies

The answer to this is yes it was exposed to everyone that we know, my affair that is. I immediately ended the affair and changed my mind about getting a divorce. Over the next year after the affair I tried to show her that she was first in my life and in the beginning things were improving. Then I don't know what happened but it seemed like all at once everything quit on both sides and we started going backwards again. Through out our entire relationship I have always felt that I didn't matter adn that everything else was more important than I was. I am being shown this again with this new situation.

I am the first one to admit that I was totally wrong for what I did. At the very least I should have waited until I at least seperated from my wife. At the time of my affair it was just for sex and was with 3 other women at different times but only one night and very close together. My views of my behavior and myself during that time have changed. I don't like the person that I was then.

Since my affairs I have grown to know God better and have been baptize in our Church. I study the Bible daily asking God to show me what I need to change and asking him what my purpose is. This started before I found out about my S's affair. When she told me about her affair I was understanding and forgiving having been in that situation myself. I felt that she was repentant but little did I know is she continued to talk with him after telling me that she wanted our marriage. I tried to get closer to her and she pushed me away. she kept telling me that I needed to "relax" and to quit pushing her that I was pushing her away. At this time she only knew of one of my affairs. I was praying for God to save my marriage and to tell me what I needed to do in order to save our marriage. It kept coming back to the same answer. I had to tell S the full extent of my infidelity.

Shortly after I did this is when she started talking to V. While I was away on a trip for work she had met him through Craig's list. After I returned she told me about him and said that there was nothing sexual and that they were only talking and were texting buddies. I agreed to let her talk to him hoping that she might find the answers that she needed for us to save our marriage. I have asked her to start reading the Bible daily and to pray for the answers that she is searching for but when I do this I am called self-righteous and that I had no business talking to her about her relationship with God.

The night I confronted her about V to let her know how it made me feel when she rejected me in order to talk to him, I was the one that was wrong. She swears that there is nothing sexual going on and that they only talk. I do know that there isn't a physical affair with V because we are in Alaska and he is in Colorado. When I asked to see her text messages she told me no. I used to know all of her passwords to her email accounts but she has changed them.

I know that I don't trust her and that she doesn't trust me. The funny thing is that the area that I don't trust her isn't that she will have another affair it is that she will continue to disreagard my feelings and not care how her actions hurt me.

Right now I am the only one with an income and I know that she is scared that I will leave and leave her destitute. That is not what I want to do if I leave I will give her enough to care for our child and so that she will not be on the streets. She will start having a little income this month and once she does I believe that the hurtful actions will only increase and get worse.

My pastor keeps telling me that things will get better and that I need to trust in God and that he will change her heart in time. I have tried to stay with this and to keep faith through all of this and build a closer relationship with my saviour Jesus Christ but it seems like the more I pray about this and the more I try to find a solution to save our marriage the worse things get between us. I believe that Satan is working to prevent this and that S is letting him by not turning to God totally.

The real victim in all of this will be our wonderful son who is 8 and right now he is figuring out that there is a huge problem with S and I and he tries so hard to confort both of us. I believe that the current situation is worse for him than if we were to seperate and proceed towards a divorce. I hate this and I hate how I feel I want this all to stop.

I can't see where you answered about whether ther is any contact with any of your OW. Who were these women? Coworkers?

Again, any contact with any of them AT ALL?

With any due respect to your pastor, he doesn't know what he's talking about. Do NOT sit back on your hands and wait for God to work some kind of celestial magic! Use the brains He gave you and learn how to kill this A! FWIW, I believe God led you here. And He didn't do it so you could sit on your hands. You need to to the work, AM. Your solution has already been presented to you by the fact that you are here.

BTW, Colorado is 5 short hours away from you. Your WW and her OM are 2-1/2 hours apart if they meet halfway. Don't discount anything simply because of distance.

You need to install a keylogger on her computer, there is where you will find out how extent this affair is.

Also, AM, please answer our questions - it will help us to help you.

Whew boy, what a mess, but nothing we haven't seen before.

You kind of glossed over the part where you came clean with her. What was her reaction? What steps did you take after that to be completely H&O (honest and open) with her, transparent, extra precautions set in place to assure that you will not do this again? I know, I know, she's the one in the affair now, but it seems like you guys have never recovered from YOUR affairs. First things first.

What to do? There are specific steps that MUST happen with the first being exposure of HER affair to everyone. That won't guarantee to kill the affair, but it does work a lot of times. Read "Humbled" thread for a great example of how to do this. There's a specific way to do it, not just random exposure.

Do you have the $$ to call the coaching center on this website? It doesn't have to be both of you, it can just be you at first. They can tell you where to start to get your marriage back on track.

Another thing, please tell us who these OW were in your life, how you met, how you carried on your affair, and how it was ended.

Read "Surviving an Affair." Read "Surviving an Affair". Read "Surviving an Affair." Can't be said enough.

Stop trying to educate your wife or Bible-thump her. Her relationship with God is her relationship. He will help but He won't intervene in an unwilling heart. My DH walked away from God completely at the time and now he's an ordained minister.

No I haven't had any contact with any of the other women in over a year.

No I haven't had contact with any of these women in over a year right after my wife found out. 2 were one night stands and there were no feelings and I can't even remember their names now. The one that my wife found out about is the only one that I may have had a longer relationship with but not likely I have talked to her in over a year and we met online and she lives in a different city.

Until this trip to Seattle they have been much further apart. We live in Anchorage. Right now I have no clue if they are together or not I do know that she is doing traing with the government.

why don't you find out, call the hotel. You can say something like..

"Hi, I'm in room #___ and I think I left my wallet inside the room, can someone check it for me to see if it's still there?"

Idk, I am sure someone else might have a better approach. If they check knowing this is a MALES voice, then you know there is another male that was in that hotel.

The next question I asked that I can't find an answer to is:
Do you know OM's name? Contact info? What evidence do you have of the A?

I spend all of my time with her when I am not at work or she isn't at work. I admit that I have had an honesty issue with her but I am doing everything to be totally open and honest with her but when i try to be she just tells me that I am pushing her away. This is esspecially true when I talk about my feelings.

I never refuse to answer any of her questions and my cand with out question if she wants to see my cell phone I relenquish it. I pray to God to make me be totally honest and open with her and I am holding myself accountable to him and to my wife.

I know his first name only and have no contact infomation and I honestly don't know that there is an affair. What I do know is that if I know that she is talking to him it hurts me terribly.