Yeah, I understand that now. I did stay in plan A way too long. And I pretty much had a few breakdowns along the way. I'm feeling a little better each day that goes by and no contact with WH. If I let myself I can start to feel real bad when I think about how he must be having the time of his life and he's "in love" and having tons of sex with this vampire woman and not at all concerned with the train wreck he's left me with. It makes me so sick. But I'm not thinking about him and vampira as much as I used to. I just REALLY REALLY hope that his whole affair blows up in his face. I do NOT want that homewrecker thinkin she's gonna play stepmom or some sh*t like that. That is the one thing I hate to think about. But it stays in my mind because that is exactly what my uncle did to my aunt, had an affair and then married the homewrecker and had kids with her. I know that the odds of an adulterous relationship turning into a long term relationship or marriage is slim, but I still have that fear.

Another thing, is it normal for most waywards to say things like, "The only mistake I made was marrying you." or " I think I made premature choices and decisions that led me to the place I'm in, and I don't know if you're a part of my future or not." or "I still love you and I always will, but right now I can't be with you. I want to be a good friend to you and partner in raising our kids. I want to be a good dad, and a good man."

These are things my WH said to me over the past couple months. We haven't spoken in over two weeks. I sent plan B letter. He has not tried to make contact so I assume he has not received it yet.

Yes, that's known as marital hstiory rewrite. My H complained while he was wayward incessantly about the fact that we married and had a baby so young when he never had complained about that before.

There is also a thread that Mulan started about waywards living in a fantasy that after D they will still remain good friends with their BS and that they won't be a "bad guy".

I have to admit, though, that I am a little surprised that he has gone that long without calling with such young children, including a new baby.

I am not sure if this was asked earlier but how was he pre-A? Was he an involved father? Did he like spending time with the family?

Hang in there. {{{Tink}}}}

yes, before the A he was a great father. he spent time with the kids and he did all he could for them. he still thinks that he can be a good father as he throws me away for some homewrecker. he thinks that we can be good friends and that the kids will not be adversely affected as long as he remains a part of their lives, even if he's not a full time dad. he says that he put up with me for 9 years and that he gave everything and i took everything so therefore it would be 'unjust' for him to be with me. he says he is a better person without me. i really don't think he will ever realize what he's done. i think him and vampira are happy together and want to be together forever. maybe they will. maybe he has found h who God wanted him to be with instead of me.

Tinkerbell,

He has NOT found who God wanted him to be with.


He has found a woman willing to sleep with a married man, who temporarily fills an ego trip for him.

He has found a woman who will tell him whatever lie necessary to boost herself enough to get him to pay attention to her, so that somehow she gets an ego stroke that she is so very desperate for.

He has found a woman willing to tear apart whatever was left of his boundaries for the sake of her own desires.

He has found a woman he will never be able to trust, and who will never trust him.

He has found a woman who will never be accepted by his family, because she will always be the "other woman" who destroyed you and your childrens' family.


He has found what he thinks is a freewheeling lifestyle, and has traded the respect of the mother of his children for it.

He has found himself looking at a future significantly separated in distance from his children, and knows in his heart that he is the one responsible for the mess.

He has found meaningless sex, and lost a relationship with his wife that was deep and profound, a life with a fulfilling sexual relationship based on mutual trust and abiding love.

He has found superficial lies to build a fantasy, and lost a relationship that was real and based on the honesty found between two people giving themselves to one another fully in spite of flaws and faults.

He has found himself adrift and alone, while his wife and kids no longer speak to him because he has alienated himself from their lives and their love.

He has found a web of deceit entangling him, and lost his wife while building that web.

He has found himself saying and doing things he never thought he would, believing he would gain what he thought he wanted, only to have lost everything he ever had.



What was it again you said he found?


Certainly not what God wanted. I don't see that on the list.

Schoolbus

Schoolbus, you are good at bringing me BACK to REALITY. I so greatly appreciate all of you here who help all of us who have been betrayed. I am struggling so much right now. I felt like I was getting stronger and then I went into plan B and I have felt pretty bad for a few weeks. I know that I still desire to save my marriage, and I will continue to do what yall tell me in order to do everything I can to save this family. But if it doesn't work and my WH and I get D, then I'm really wondering if I will ever find a man that is not an adulterous pervert. I mean, I've seen what's out there and I'm beginning to think that most men are perverted, selfish jerks who just want a woman so they can get what they want from them. And that's usually cook, cleaning, babysitting, and sex. Am I right or am I right? I have almost lost all hope for all men.

Tinkerbell,

Right now you need to focus on yourself and your kids.

Don't think about men in general. Don't lose hope about them. Most of them are pretty great, really. They aren't out for themselves. Pretty much, they want what women want, which is a future, a life filled with love and happiness. Right now you are angry and coloring everything with your anger.

that will pass


Focus on what you can control

you


SB

SB,

Yes, I am very angry. I am trying my best to put WH out of my mind while I focus on the kids, school, work, anything to keep myself busy and to help me stay functional rather than a mess. Any suggestions on how long to stay in plan B? I know that everyone has their own time limit, but I'm not sure how long to wait around. The last that I spoke to him before plan B he was still so full of pride and arrogance that I really don't see any hope for him. He will always find a way to blame others and not himself. He will continue to blame me so he doesn't have to deal with what he did. He even blamed me for getting pregnant 3 times. That, apparently, was ALL my fault. I just kind of feel like plan B is just allowing the betrayers to get away with what they're doing.I feel like he gets all the fun and I get sutck with reality. I know that is not true, but sometimes the bad thoughts get the best of me. I'm struggling.

Still in plan B. wondering how long i should wait. i'm really starting to consider filing sometime this year. i do NOT want him trying to take the kids from me for holidays, especially if he will bring that woman around. i don't think he'd have enough balls to do that, but who knows? he's a wayward and they seem to think that the world revolves around them. and question, if this all ends in divorce, how do i not feel ashamed or guilty? i never wanted any of this to happen. i never wanted a divorce.

Guilty of what exactly?

how long have you been in plan B?

for divorcing him. feeling like it's all my fault because i would be the one to "destroy" our family. atleast, i believe he wants ME to file so he can blame me.

You can stay in B for a very long time.

Rushing to divorce will not necessarily do anything positive for the situation.

I know you are feeling the need for some sort of action but I think you need to work on 'being still'. by that, I mean not rushing for something to happen (divorce, reconsiliation, etc).

Giving yourself the gift of a good, long plan B will allow you to remove the drama from your mind and make a sound decision and allow you to slowly loose love for your wayward H.

He is on the other side of the country still isn't he? Are you getting financial support from legal channels yet?

Get the finacial life ironed out vis the legal system, build a new network to support you and learn to be patient with yourself and the world around you and love those kids. Love them and know that divorce will not make it less likely for the wayward to expose them to his OW. It won't.

Breathe. Breathe and release the impulse for action.

Plan B is brilliant in ways nothing else is with infedelity. It IS. (I am living it and having magic in my life all the time.....yay!)

TB, DrH suggests to plan B for 2 years. That is because most affairs end within 2 years after exposure. It is also because you should be more emotionally ready to permanently part from your WH.

Do what Reading suggests and take some time to be still. Your WH should be paying you CS and you have said that he is having a hard time financially paying for his current lifestyle. How would he come and take the kids at the holidays? Is it possible for you to file for LS? You could get a LS to ensure custody and CS to put your mind at ease. You could even find out if it is possible for you to seek an order stating that no OW is allowed near your children until their is a D. This may not stop him, just keep your children informed of who and what OW is. Continue to be honest with them in an age appropriate way about how what Daddy is doing is wrong. That married people don't date. Keep it honest and not a character assassination.

Use this time to focus on you. Get your life in order and take care of your kiddos. Learn all you can about yourself. Become the person you want to be. If your WH decides he wants to come home and recover with you, you will be ready to set that bar high and demand the marriage you deserve.

I am trying, trying, trying everyday to keep it together and to love my children. I do my best. I'm just so tired. I'm exhausted. I feel like every other BS must feel, like the whole world is on your shoulders. everything is now MY responsibility. everything!

I'm just so angry that he has NO responsibility and is traipsing around in california with his new woman like all is fine and dandy. He's doing what he wants to do and I'm stuck with the emotional, physical, psychological destruction.

I filed for CS but it will take awhile before they will actually collect money from him. They said he will owe back CS from the time I left CA til whenever they start garnishing his wages.

He responded to an email that a friend of ours sent him and he said that he loves the boys and that he cares about me and that he 'never" wanted it to be this way. he also said that he would come back when he's ready. whatever that means. what is this mess? i had no idea that our friend emailed hhim until he the friend told me. i have had no contact with WH .

Yes, the weight is on our shoulders and IT IS NOT FAIR!
Not at all.....but.....it is what it is.

You will learn to be an even more powerful woman while he lulls around in fantasy land which is not a place known for building character.

You can have fun in your life. With your kids. With friends (build a bigger network) and so on.

Stay dark so that you add no fuel to his fantasyland fire and he gets to see if OW is capable of meeting all his needs (most likely not!)

(((((Tink))))))

You sure do have the same feelings that all of us BS go through. The anger that you feel is normal and it helps with your healing. Just keep staying as dark as possible and you will feel better and better.

Keep focusing on making you the best you and you will become GREAT. Stay dark.

TB,

Let your friend know that your husband can come back, but that there is not a neverending open-door policy. He must end his affair, but that this idea of coming home "when he is ready" isn't the game. "He" might be ready, but YOU also have to be willing to accept him, and that may not be the case because each and every day he stays gone means that you move closer and closer to the day when you decide that you no longer wish for him to return. This is the truth of our lives, because in Plan B you protect what love you have left for him, but you may also make a decision that you no longer want this marriage.

Your husband needs to understand that this is YOUR decision to make - that the marriage is NOT a door that HE chooses! You also have a choice. Somehow he has this idea that he makes the rules, he chooses whether or not to be married, and you somehow just accept his choices no matter what.

I hope your Plan B works, soon. I also hope that his family will put some pressure on him to help him understand that his marriage is NOT something he alone chooses - that YOU also can file for a divorce because HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR AND IS NOT DOING ANYTHING TO SEE OR CONTACT HIS OWN CHILDREN. That in itself makes him look like a bad father - and he needs to understand that.

SB-

I totally get what you're saying. It is MY choice. If I get to the point where I feel that the marriage is not worth saving after what he's done, then I will go ahead and divorce him. I'm not sure where I'm at right now as far as wanting or not wanting this marriage. I'm in between. I know that I am angry and I am in a lot of pain.

I don't know what I would do if he came back here. I'd hope he would be repentant, but I don't know if that'd be the case. He could come back and still act like it was all my fault and tell me that he'll take ME back. Which, with the way he is right now, I wouldn't put past him.

Idid make a mistake. HE texted me today asking about the boys and telling me he's going to send money this week. I had a moment of weakness and texted him back to let him know what was going on with the boys. I know I shouldn't have. I feel stupid for doing that. I just wish he would want ME again.

Okay tink, You know not to do it again and get back to be dark so that's enough for now.

If your WH came back to you, he would still be wayward so he almost certainly WOULD come back to you the way you described. I don't want you to get a different perception of reality. I have seen it. My Mom has gone back to my Dad after her 2 year affair and my Dad said it best when he said, "She acts like she was on vacation for 2 years." She continued to justify her affair with her history rewrite. I don't know if they will make it, they are doing their own recovery plan.

So, have you created some awesome memories with the kiddos? How have you changed your life for the better? Did you start school? Just trying to redirect your focus.