Hiker - I'm very sorry that this is the case. It is hard sometimes, to do the right thing, but I believe you have done this in this case.
There are many women out there - women with better boundaries. Remember, compatibility can be CREATED but poor moral character, there's nothing you can do about that. Be careful not too commit too early and try to put sex off for a while.
As for VT - You don't want to be honest more than you want to benefit from your lies. It really is that simple. You get a rush and thrill out of unhealthy relationships. Until you address that you will be dangerous to ANY man.
You lie because it benefits you.
You lie because you are afraid of being rejected for who you are.
You lie because you feel entitled to get whatever needs met however you can, despite who you hurt, because in reality, no one matters to you more than yourself.
I suggest you seek counselling to help yourself become a better person and I STRONGLY suggest you cut off complete and total contact with ANY ex lover - in fact I'd urge you to avoid friendships with men seeing as you are incapable of healthy boundaries with men. You use them to fill an empty hole within yourself.
If you want to stop lying it REALLY is easy - just start living honestly. Stop telling lies.
I mean is isn't hard. It really isn't. In fact, it is liberating. It allows you to TRULY be loved on an intimate level. That is something I don't think you've ever had.
As for
Because I didn't have the courage to ask my husband for a divorce even though it was the right thing to do.
Your adultery had little to do with cowardice or inability to ask for a divorce.
YOU were the most important person in your life - and this includes your children -(you still are) and so selfishly you sought to get as many needs met as possible - from whoever was available. And you didn't care who you hurt, or how it damaged your integrity. In fact, you didn't even care about your children - their happiness meant NOTHING and your happiness meant EVERYTHING.
And so you destroyed their world in an effort to get your needs met.
That isn't cowardice.
That is selfishness.
You kept your husband around because he still filled some sorts of needs, and rather than tell him what needs he wasn't meeting and giving him a chance to improve - you went elsewhere for your other needs.
It really is very simple.
If you want help overcoming this - I encourage you to go look around the Surviving an Affair forum. There are many Wayward Wives over there you could learn from. Some earning their Former WW status, and some who've done the work to become a FWW.
You could join their ranks and actually be WORTH sharing a life with.
