Although not in an affairage, and not even married YET, this is what I will face in the future. I will have to 'blend' a family, and it is going to be difficult at best. I have done a lot of reading about divorce, about remarriage and blending families. I come from a step family myself, so I have an idea of what it's like to be a kid in that circumstance. It doesn't feel normal or easy for quite a long time...years.

If these two lovebirds are like so many others whose relationship started from an affair, they will not have done the hard work to fix what they have done wrong in the past. To 'check' themselves, so to speak, and will probably cope with problems in the relationship in a similar manner and destroy their marriage in the process.

Your job, Guy, is to be that safe place for your kids. Not to coddle or accept piss poor behavior or excuse it and to teach them right from wrong, not only with words but through leading by example. I think you've already got a lot of that down.

You will find someone when you are ready, Guy. You are obviously just not ready.

Nice digs for a temp job.

If I go 2-blocks from my office door I see this:



If you could look to the right you would see the stinky Waste Management collection site. It's particularly nice in July.


Sorry about the affairage. Will it last? Who knows. It does not really matter anymore.


Time does work its magic. I am glad you are feeling better.


He's a good kid and he's growing up fast now.


I think you need another trip to Colorado.

Daveco misses you.

Take care SD. Glad you came by.

SD,

So great to see an update from you, my friend! I feel so bad for you having to work with such a TREMENDOUS view! NOT!

SL made all of the points I had about the SCQ and the affairage, so I won't belabor those points. It is what it is and they are what they are - - We know pretty much how it's going to go from here.

Ditto on SL's comments about the kids. You ARE that safe & NORMAL place for them and always will be. Kudos to you.

Mini TJ - Chris about this



Is this a waste mangement site in general or are you naming the specific owner/operating company? You know I gotta ask!
I'm so glad to know that someone else appreciates the unique summer aroma from such a facility - It smells like $$ to me!

TJ over.

SD, keep doing what works for you. You will know if/when the time is right for dating. I'm in a fairly similar place. No dates for the last 8 months and that's okay by me.

As you say, plenty to do with and without the kids. As long as YOU are happy with you life, that is all that matters.

Don't be shy about coming to post - - I understand about reading much from others, but sneak in and give us some regular updates. We miss ya!

It's operated by Waste Management. It's on Brighton Blvd. 2-blocks away.

What we really like around here is the fat [censored] flys (that's not exactly what we call them) that torment us regularly here nearly year round. This time of year I kill upwards of 10 a day inside my office. Swatters are strategically placed everywhere. In the shop, squirt bottles of brake cleaner do the trick.

One big boy flew into the back of my desk fan two days ago and came out the front in 2-3 pieces with one of them splattering onto my laptop screen. Really? That HAD to happen?

There is a particularly gross species of elongated fly that is absolutly intent on landing on the surface of your eye when you are in the back lot. It's terrible.

We call them the "eye suckers".

I would love it if we could move away from that site.

I'm basically still Plan B'ing her. I see her as little as possible and pretty much ignore her when I do. We communicate via email. It's very civil. She is considerate and accomodating wherever she can be, mostly because I haven't told her what I think. Plan B continues to pay off.

Sometimes I think about relaxing the plan B and talking to her again. Lots of people seem to think that this would be better for the kids (I'm not so sure), and sometimes I think it would be easier, but then I wonder about whether I want to do it while I have all this stuff left unsaid. Like, maybe I could do it after a big plan FU, but that would have its own consequences, and life is simpler with her being dead to me.

Yeah, this is what I tell myself. The OMXW called me out of the blue the other day, wanting to talk about the kids' behavior. They are trying to make the blended family work, and the OMXW told me she's trying to support that, because it is now a family unit. I told her pretty bluntly that I don't feel any obligation to support that family. That I'm not doing anything to tear it down, but that I think POSOM is a POS, that the "family" will break down at some point, and I want to protect my kids from that as much as possible. I think it's better that the kids can see with clear eyes rather than through the haze of what the SCQ has been smoking for the past 5 years. So I say things like "what do you think about that?" when the opportunity arises. Simple stuff.

The last date I went on turned out to be the night before the affairage ceremony, and it was with a therapist, so I owned up to my situation because I was in the middle of the trigger, and I wound up talking about it too much. I've taken some time after that.

I've been on several dates where it didn't come up at all. Obviously, those are the best, but I'm not trying to hide anything either.


They're doing some kind of construction on the cliffside, and so there's a construction dumpster right outside my building. It stinks something awful. Bugs, could you do something about that?

Wow, fantasy island doesn't even do that view justice! Sorry about the affairage, SD. We all know that some day someone worthy of you will come along. Gosh I had forgotten how young your kids were. That is so very sad for them.

As I see it, you should continue in this state if/until such a time that you truly feel healed and well enough to exchange more than a sideways glance to SCQ. The communication that you describe with the SCQ is pretty much how I work it with the Z. There is no need for much interaction between DS's mom and dad.

Actually, the more healed you become, the more indifferent you may grow to SCQ, and a byproduct will be little communication anyway

For those of you dealing with the original sin (OP), it has to be a soul sucking experience to interact with your exes.

All the more reason to work in such a lovely place...oh, except for that whole dumpster thing...pooooow baby.

"I'm basically still Plan B'ing her. I see her as little as possible and pretty much ignore her when I do. We communicate via email. It's very civil. She is considerate and accomodating wherever she can be, mostly because I haven't told her what I think. Plan B continues to pay off.

Sometimes I think about relaxing the plan B and talking to her again. Lots of people seem to think that this would be better for the kids (I'm not so sure), and sometimes I think it would be easier, but then I wonder about whether I want to do it while I have all this stuff left unsaid. Like, maybe I could do it after a big plan FU, but that would have its own consequences, and life is simpler with her being dead to me."

This is where I am with my WXW. I don't feel a need to change it. There really is no need. Nothings says you have to be friends for the kids to be well. If you treat her as well as you treat the pizza guy, then that's all that can be asked.

As far as OM goes, I would forever treat him as a non entity in your shoes. You don't need to utter a word to him in any way.

If she meets someone else, then that would be a different story (once the affairage ends).

Best of luck.

I'm with you all on the limited interaction with them and the continued Plan B for our own health & wellfare. Although I had another lecture from my Sis tonight about how it would be much better for Ladybugs if Ho2 and I were friends,,,,,,,,,,,but that's another story for another thread.

I also try very hard to let DS and Ladybugs share their feelings about whatever is going on in their lives, even about the wonderful world over at the Drac Dungeon. That alone is enough, being 'friendly' with the Drac would put the BullShite Limit Meter over the top.

While I don't think I can do much about the "eye suckers" (GROSS!) I probably CAN do something about that construction dumpster if it belongs to my company! You have my email, don't you SD? Seriously, I do not want any of my company's equipment out there stinking it up if I can help it! Yep, just email your friendly 'trash lady' and she'll get on it right away!

SD,

Sorry to hear about the affairage. I'm sure it did mess you up for a period of time. I don't think any of us saw it coming, at least I didn't. I would have bet any amount of money against that A surviving to marriage. Wow. Well, we all know the odds are against it. Isn't that POSOM's third anyway?

I wish I could tell you how to let go, but I still struggle with it too. I'll be fine for months then BAM, a trigger. I guess it takes a lot more time than just 3 years.

A lady I know told me this morning that she is just now at that stage and it took her 10 years. Her XWH married a 20 year younger woman who now is mid 40s and he is mid 60s. My friend's son tells her that the OW now goes out with friends and leaves him home all of the time, and that he just bought long term care insurance because he knows that should he get sick she'll bolt. It's never what they think, but usually too late by the time they figure it all out.

Take your time on things. We'll heal in our own time, but I guess we just have to guard against getting stuck in the rut.
I don't know, but I think working where you work would do a world of good for the soul. Not many of us have that view! When I worked downtown I got to look at the beautiful muddy river.

Come by once in a while. It is painful to read here, but remember that we are your supporters and the only ones who understand where you are.

Hi SD,

I appreciated reading your update.

Know that we all care very much about you, what you are doing and how you are feeling.

Keep doing what it takes to heal you, and take care of your kids.

Well SD, I've spotted you driving around here lately but you haven't given us an update. No drive-bys allowed without an update so spill it.......

Hi, All

Thanks, as always, for the kind words about my updates. Things are going pretty well and could get a lot better. My appointment at the Oceanographic Institute is up in a couple of weeks, but I'll probably continue to hang out there as an unpaid volunteer for a while. The better news is that a job popped up the other day with one of the local biotechs, and I have both just the experience they're looking for as well as contacts on the inside. Promising.

If that doesn't pan out, I can go back to doing the beach bum/stay at home dad/volunteer researcher gig and look for consulting opportunities. Either are okay by me, at least for now.

And then there's my intelligent, gorgeous, eloquent co-worker. She's almost all the way divorced from a controlling, semi-abusive doctor. Two kids younger than mine, and having a hard time with the whole thing. Doesn't know what she's going to do next career-wise, and really in an unsettled place in her life. I recognized early on that she doesn't really need the distraction of a guy in her life and tried to keep my distance, but, of course, I fell for her anyway.

She's understandably reluctant, but we kind of found ourselves out for drinks last weekend and had a really great time--the kind of intoxicating, breath-taking evening I remember LilSis telling me about when she first met her guy. She plays her cards pretty close to the vest while I'm searching my pockets to see whether I have any left that aren't already out on the table, thus I've already told her I'll do my best not to take advantage of the unsettled place she's at in her life, I won't rush or demand more time than she has to give, I won't come between her and her kids, etc. There's a part of me that thinks that the responsible thing to do is to just back off until she's really ready, but she fits Believer's trifecta of being younger, hotter, and richer than the SCQ, and my knees get kind of weak when she smiles at me, and it makes it hard to just back off.

Advice is welcome, but know that she may be reading this. I was trying to get her to read on the divorcing boards just to know that other people are going through the same kinds of things and mentioned my thread on here, and she said she started reading this. Was that bad? This is a pretty long thread, so if she started from the beginning, I should have have time to edit out the stuff I don't want her to read. Which stuff is that, anyway?

Ah, well. It keeps life interesting. I was in such a good mood after our night out that I actually talked with the SCQ at DS10's baseball game the next day. So over her.

Oh, yeah, the kids. They're good.

Hope everyone's doing well.

Are you D already?
How long on plan B?
blessing

The first time I saw AZman after 20 years, I think I fell in love right on the spot. As you know, we have taken it very very slowly, due to the long distance relationship. Lots of phone conversations, texts, talking of raising our children, and also discussing divorce, infidelity, AND how to avoid it.

Take it slow. Let her get thru the divorce, Guy.

Even after I filed for divorce, I had emotional things to work thru.

For me, all turned out ok, after some large boulders in the road.

Yes Yes Yes and even then........

She's not ready. Rebound relationships can be devastating for women. Ask Bugs or DGS.

Time for a 5-mile jog on the beach and a cold shower.


My stuff. Some of BC's too.

Some supporters you guys are. Killjoys.

But seriously, the caution is noted and is what I knew I would hear. I've invited her to tell me when to back off, and she's smart enough to know when to use that.

Got another call today about a job lead, so things are looking good.

YA THINK?

I dunno, there was a time when we lightened the very dark mood around these parts, and that was not a bad thing...or was it?

Oh, whatever...

GuySmiley, I just finished a marathon of an interview Tuesday, and it seems they want me back for another face to face next Wednesday. If I don't get the job, I'll chauk it up as experience in the interview process. That way I don't feel like a unhireable POS!

It's all about perspective and attitude

SD,

Speaking from personal experience, I have multiple things to say. First, that funny feeling you are getting when she smiles = FABULOUS! I am happy for you. Having that feeling once again after being drug thru he77 of a wayward divorce is pretty darn nice.

AND it can easily be Overwhelming. Despite our having learned so much and changed so much and understanding of where we were, where we want to go with new relationships and where we will never allow ourselves to go again,,,,,,,,,,, that wonderful feeling is also fraught with danger.

For Both of You.

You are one of the Good Guys. I know you want to do the right thing for you both and will make every effort.

However, I must point out some things that you should consider on HER behalf. She may or may not be aware of them herself. I know I wasn't when I entered my relationship with R, and I was divorced for 1.5 years when that relationship started. If she's still in the final process,,,she is at a different place.

I knew that caution was the order of the day when considering a relationship. I knew all of the things that I didn't want to have happen again. I had my boundaries and was prepared to enforce them.

And I did.

For the 'most part'.

But you see, that feeling *I* got when R would treat me in such a special, caring manner was overwhelming. The sting of the hurt Drac caused in me was still there and having R in my life helped ease that sting.

Finally, SOMEONE cared about me! Someone looked at me in that 'special' way. Someone called me to ask how I was doing. Someone wanted to spend time with me. Just those simple things meant SO much.

And it clouded SO much, too. It clouded my ability to see past superficial things to understand/see R's motivations. It clouded my ability (and even willingness) to look closely and honestly at R's history or to question things about him that were suspect.

I wasn't realistic that while a great deal of my feelings about R had to do with R, a large portion also had to do with Drac.

Honestly, I have yet to work through it all. I just know that that first time is one that needs to be done with great caution. I know you have taken your time and are ready. My concern is that she has a ways to go. Not to say that there is anything wrong with her - it's just that there is a time and process that people need after divorce before being at the right place for a new relationship.

I know that no matter what happens, she will benefit from knowing you. You will be a great help to her during a difficult time. You can help her along the path.

I just worry that you will have put in a lot of yourself into this and when she is through the process, she will be at a different place that may very well not be able to include you moving forward.

One thing I'd like to point out is in your own words-



I just ask that you think back over the time from where you came here to the moment you were able to do this and feel this way. Your intelligent, gorgeous, eloquent co-worker is at the very beginning of that journey.

I hope that if she reads this that she understands this is nothing peronal against her in any way. She mut be a very special person for you to be interested in a relationship with her! I am just expressing my concerns, as YOU are a VERY special person and mean a lot to many of us here. We want the very best for you!!

And YOU are the best judge of that. So take my 2 cents and spend it how you choose (or not).

Glad the kids are well and the job front is lookiing promising!!

They'd have to be fools not to want you working for them, SL, with as much wisdom as you carry around in your head. I hope the Wednesday revisit goes well. I'm sure it will.

You know, I was reading the earlier part of my thread last night and kind of marveled at the poor [censored] who was going through all that crap. How hard he fought to control the situation, how he tilted at the windmills and got mad because the sky is blue, how hard he clung instead of letting go. How bad he wanted to "save" his family.

That guy is gone. He's been replaced by a wiser, kinder, happier, healthier, better guy. I sing again. I find myself wanting to dance. I smile and engage with people and am fun to be around. And why not.

I say this largely for those of you reading who are still in the middle of your crises. Things will get better. You will get through this, one way or another, and your life *will* get better. I promise you. I wish I had the energy and fortitude to come around to all your threads and advise and console and encourage you the way SO many wonderful people did for me, and to them I will be eternally grateful.