OK. I guess I was thinking the most important thing was to address all the current stuff first and talk to all the people who were currently in my life, such as revealing everything to my bf, to my family, to my friends, to the OM and no-contact messages, etc.

And I have talked to some of those people and done some of that. But haven't gotten down the whole list, although I keep at it.

But, what I am hearing from some of you is that the most critical thing right now is to expose to the BWs from the past. I'm fine with prioritizing it that way. From Saphire's post, I got the sense that was the only thing necessary to be on the list. But it seems to me there is way more to do than that.

I guess that's where I'm struggling here though. It seems like there is so much to do and so many people to talk to and it feels like that's all I've been doing and still it's just a drop in the bucket. Thus, my thought of making a to-do list.

Any feedback is appreciated.

Thanks all!

There is a lot for you to do - keep with your list, but telling OMWs is ESSENTIAL and should be a TOP priority. Any day you don't tell them is a day you compound your crime against them.

I would get in touch with them today.

They have a right to know.

This is a huge step for you and crucial to your development of empathy for your victims and a way to confront the true horror of what you have done. It will be really hard to get in to this situation again once you've actually faced the music and taken consequences for what you have done.

Let us know when you have exposed to the BWs and we can help you with your next step. That is critical, the other stuff is not.

OK. That will be my top priority. Although I am afraid to do it (as I was afraid to tell my parents and friends), I do not want to put it off. I will do that tomorrow evening. I have my 3 kids tonight and I want to have the focus to do it right, so I feel like I can't and shouldn't do it with them there. Tomorrow they will be with their father and so I will make that my priority for then.

What are the important points to make when doing this? These are the bullet points in my mind, but I don't want to miss anything:
- I had an affair with your husband
- It was wrong and hurtful
- I am sorry for it and for hurting you and your family
- I will not have any future contact with him
- I am working on changing myself to prevent any further such actions.
- I am open to any thoughts or questions you have for me on it.

Questions:
- How much or how little detail should be given about the affair? I am willing to share anything or answer any questions. Just wondered what was best.
- Should I also communicate other things I've done before or since then that aren't specific to her, her family, her husband or that affair (as mentioned earlier, one affair was 4 yrs ago; the other 10 years ago, so should I mention both A to each woman, etc. or just the one specific to them). What I mean is does it cloud what I am saying if I bring up other things not related to her or her marriage or her husband? Or is that important to tell her as well?
- In one of the affairs, I do not know the woman's name and don't have contact info. It was a man I met at a conference 10 years ago who lives far away from me. I think I remember what town he is from, but he has a common name. I will attempt to figure out the right contact info, but can you suggest options if I am unable to find that out?

Thanks everyone. Keep the advice coming.

The reason why I put that number one and the ONLY one, is because once you do that everything else will seem easy.

Your exposure notes sounds like you've got everything covered. Now...JUST DO IT!

As for level of detail, I wouldn't include other past infidelities, just details and information on THIS particular infidelity. Other than that I would let them take lead on what level of detail they want.

ETA: I've never been a BW - so I will defer my advice to their judgement.

Aaargh! Built up my nerve to call the wife of A #2, called the number that I have (which still seemed to be current from looking at the white pages) and got a message saying it was not a valid number.

So... found her on FB and sent a message simply asking to talk and asked for contact info and a time, if she was willing.

Waiting now to see if she responds.

great job! Keep going

I also looked up in the white pages and think I found the OM from A #1, but cannot be sure. It was the only person with his name in the white pages for his town.

There is no woman's name associated with him or that number in the white pages. And I don't think I ever knew her name, or if I did, I've forgotten it since it's been over 10 yrs ago.

The last thing I want to do is tell the wrong person that her H had an A with me. So, how do I know for sure if I have the right person and if he is still M to the same person (if he indeed is still M).

Yikes...just got an email while typing this from the wife of A #2. Looks like she is free to talk tonight. Deep breath. Keep breathing. I can do this.

Breathe! You can do this. You are doing the right thing. It will be hard, but it IS the right thing.

You are doing good.

Good job with contacting OMW2!

Now for OMW1, have you tried going to the Intelius website to put in OM's name? Relatives and spouses will pop up in the right hand column. You can also check spokeo.com and zabasearch...

Hmmm, that made it worse. I checked the sites you mentioned and now found 4 different men with the same name in the town.

On Intelius, I found one that looks like around the right age. But can't tell if he is married or not. There are 2 women in the relatives column about the same age as him. No idea if one of them is his wife or not or whether they are still married. The spokeo site didn't have relative info and in the household size, it said 1. In the zabasearch, it shows 4 men with same name in the town - one is the one from the white pages I had found, one is the same as the one from zabasearch, and then 2 others.

Anyone? Suggestions?

Have you tried Facebook? At least there you can see if he has a picture.

Yeah, no luck on FB. Don't find anyone with his name in that town or area.

I have now contacted W of A #2 and told her. That was very difficult. She didn't know. I had previously thought he'd probably told her, but I was wrong.

Vibrissa is right. I need to see the horror of what I have done in order to avoid it in the future. Thank you for those words, Vibrissa. I needed to hear them, and I do need to understand the horror. It's not a pretty picture.

I know this is tough VT. I know you're probably hurting right now. It was the right thing to do. It really was. Use the pain you are feeling right now. Use the guilt and sorrow and regret. Allow it to shape you into a better person.

I'm saying a prayer for OM2's wife right now, that woman needs strength and guidance.

VT,

Good effort, you can also do various searches on the internet, if you know what industry he is in he might be mentioned in trade journals etc. Also sometimes those people search sites will list a person at several places in one town because they move from apartment to apartment.

In google if you use quotes it will search for the exact text.
search for "Joe Smith" "stainless steal" etc.

God Bless
Gamma

Great job, VTMomof3! I'm sure that the shame and guilt is killing right now, I myself came to the point when I actually hated myself. It will sink in, the initial shock seems big right now, but it will grow even bigger - once you truly realise how MANY people are suffering and what dimensions your actions actually have. That is reality and I hope it will give you a good sense of boundaries for the future.
I hope you find the OMW2 as well.