nono, the key is to state your boundaries and ensure she understands what you will and won't accept. I didn't say anything about making her acknowledge the damage she caused. That will come later if and when she ends contact and withdraws from the OM.

For now, the important thing is get her on board with recovery.

I would not wait one day. There is no reason to wait.


"Dear, i dont' know if I want to commit to recovery either, but I am giving you an opportunity to earn my forgiveness and keep me interested in this marriage. Doing these things will help me make up my mind. Here are the things I will require:

1.
2.
3.

If she won't agree to this program of recovery, I would tell her that you won't stay in an abusive, crippled marriage so the next logical step would be separation.

Waywards are liars, jal. If their lips are moving they're lying. This isn't the woman you've known for 19. She has been replaced by a wayward.

Yessirree. They've had sex. Count on it. That's the reason for her coldness toward you that night. She was conflicted with lust for OM and loyalty for you. Problem is, she's already addicted to the high she gets from OM, so she manufactured a reason in her mind to be angry at you - that "makes it all your fault."

What's going on right now? She's plotting, jal. She's keeping you on the hook for what you're giving her (which is likely mainly financial right now) and to have access to her daughters, while she gets everything worked out in her head and with OM.

Have you spoken to OM and explained that Hell will be visiting him if he doesn't leave your wife alone? For all you know she's told him she's single. Sometimes that works.

if she does not end her affair and commit to the marriage, then the next logical step would be to file for divorce on grounds of adultery and get her legally removed from your home. Do you live in a fault state? In many states, you can file on grounds of adultery and keep possession of the home and primary custody of the children. In these cases, you can have the OM subpeonaed to the stand to give testimony of his affair under oath.

As long as your wife knows that you will not tolerate the status quo and that you will use her adultery to gain a legal advantage, she will be less inclined to maintain the status quo.

I live in CA--no fault divorce. Right now, she is actually earning more than me (a lot more). She was stay at home mom for 17-18 years, now working with her father. My income has dropped significantly last 6 months but looking better. My daughters, bless them, would probably prefer living with mom than dad if forced to choose.

jal,

Maybe they will and maybe they won't. You simply love them, talk with them, and protect them. They won't forget how you handled this.

it seems to me your W is getting very full of herself. If that is so, then you must protect your boundaries and that includes seeking legal advice.

God Bless,

JL

JL,
yes, that's part of it---w is full of herself. The dynamics of our relationship have changed. To her credit, she hasn't hid or not made available her income but very disrespectful. I guess my (lack of ) earning power played (plays) a bigger role in how we relate. The OM is kinda me 10-15 years ago--corporate high flyer.