Sally,

I just wanted to offer my support. I'm sorry your husband is so wayward and not even exposure could kill the affair. There is always a chance down the line your WH will wake up and realize what he has thrown away. From what I can tell, Plan B is your best option at this point. Perhaps "losing it all", the house, the family, his friends and YOU, will be enough to break through the fog. Maybe not. Be strong. Over time I believe this will get easier for you. Lean on your loved ones and come here for support. Also, read Scotland's thread. She is an EXPERT at Plan B and you may find strength there as well.

{{{{{{SallyS}}}}}}

aBetterMe

I will finish it today and have it waiting for him when he gets home from work. I coach cheerleading so I will be at football until late tonight, and have the weekend to "recover" myself before returning to work on Monday. You know I actually told him at one point that I resented the fact that his affair was something I was exposing my daughter to because I have tried to raise her to understand that she needs to be respected as a person and that she should not let some "boy" walk all over her, yet I am letting her own father do it to me and excuse it at the same time, some example huh? There are days that I actually blame myself and shoulder the responsibility for his affair, I know I was not perfect and that is a burden that I will always carry. Do they ever accept the reality of what they (wayward spouses) have done?

They ALWAYS do, trust me, if it's not in 2 week, 2 months, it will happen in 2 years.

So no matter how long it will take them to see the reality to this it WILL happen

P.S I bumped that Plan B letter thread for you so you can read it

Thnaks, I have a big day ahead of me. Funny that I just want to go back to bed and not deal with this, but I guess I've been doing that all along, wish me the strength to follow thru.

Good Luck Sally!

We are here to help! We know you can do this, for your family! Just remember that

Sally -

We are all here rooting for you! You know and we know you are strong and capable and doing the right thing. And even if your WH never wakes up and realizes what he's done, Karma will ensure he gets his what he has given to the universe. They all do.

aBetterMe

Sally --
Your husband doesnt have a plan. He never intended to end his marriage to you. He never planned to move out.

What he wanted was the status quo. Both of you. He wanted you for all the familiar reasons. He wanted OW for the added ego strokes and excitement.

He would NEVER end it. He would try to keep the current situation for as long as possible.

Thats why he tried every tactic in the book to get you off his case. "We're just friends" "We didn't sleep together" and trying to NEGOTIATE his ongoing contact with her.

This is NOT the end of your marriage. Its the start of you respecting your own boundries and establishing new groundrules and expectations for him.

Spell out EXACTLY what it will take for you to consider continuing the marriage.

Here's a few suggestions:

No more facebook -- or a joint account only.
No contact letter to OW which YOU mail, and is content approved by you.
Open access to all accounts and full transparency.
Marriage builders coaching or weekend seminar.

Sally, ((hugs))))
I would also like to send my support to you, this is what is needed and your only hope for waking your husband up, when you aren't meeting the needs you have been, reality of what he is doing will come a real head for him.....
He will then have to decide what is more important in his life.......
Keep an open mind and just make the best life for you and your daughter, if he decides that the old life isn't for him then so be it, that will be his regret in life......
Happiness is the best way for you to move on.....you have tried but he is in the affair fog and until he makes the decision to change that you can't work on your marriage......
be strong and do what's best for you, don't worry about what he wants. He has chosen this path.......
post here to vent, cry, complain, whatever gets you through, keep busy.......

I sit here wondering where it all spiraled out of control, am I wrong about needing to know the whole truth? Do I believe he didn't sleep with her? NO but he insists otherwise, do I believe what my gut tells me or what I want to hear, and how will I ever know the truth? He lied to me about the whole thing anyway, what's to make him not continue to lie, and how will I know the truth from what I think I want to know? I can't decifer if he is being honest or not anymore? I just want to know what happened during those 6 days he spent with her. I have always believed that the best way to deal with something is straight on, but even if he chooses to "work things out", how will I know he is being honest? Do I really want the sorted details ? I feel I have a right to them. And is it fair to demand them of him as a condition to "working" to save our marriage?

You absolutely have the right to know what your 'other hand' is/was doing. Every second of it. When you and your H married, you became one. Ask, and don't feel guilty for one single second.


If necessary for you to feel you have the whole truth, he should submit to a polygraph. He needs to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe in this M.

Whoa whoa whoa, you are giving him the Plan B letter today?

Are you ready? Usually the BS needs a little bit of time to get everything ready so that you can go dark and, more importantly, STAY dark.

Do you have an IM (intermediary) to handle all communications between the two of you? Does your IM understand what they are supposed to be doing? (we have info here for that person) Have you thought about all the ways he may try to contact you and formulated a plan so that he won't be able to do so?

I would say go back to what Mel said...ask if he is willing to go NC and let him know if he is not he needs to go. You DO NOT tell the WS at about Plan B at this point. It's more like when his stuff is packed, you slip it into his bag or you hand it to him when he is walking out the door type of thing.

Like Plan A, Plan B is a tool that works. But you need to make sure you are using it properly. Make sure you are ready...

We all know what happened during those 6 nights, I'm sorry but they spent every waking moment sleeping together.

Just focus on your plan B letter, start getting prepared for it, don't think about WH he is not the man you married, he is an Alien.

Sally --

Polygraph. Make it one of your requirements for him to return.
If he agrees, expect truth-vomit a day or two before the event...

There is a great letter around here called Jacob's letter which beautifully describes why you need to know. You can't go forward with a big gaping hole in your past.

Do you have an intermediary?
He is NOT allowed to contact you.

Where he goes is not your problem. Let him feel the consequences of his actions and DO NOT protect him from the fall.

Okay guys, now what? Last night he came to the football game. Guess he is figuring out that his time is limited. When we got home he claimed that he was tired and went to bed,no discussion between us, I finished watching a movie on tv and went to bed also, but woke at 2.00am to find that he was upstairs on the computer, imagine that, then this morning he left without a word, and took the keys to my daughters car ( it has been in need of minor repair for months). I told you all I was a whimp, and I really am. I know that him suddenly doing the things he should have been doing all along is nothing more than a smokescreen, and that he is avoiding the conflict, but damn it makes it hard not to want to believe that he is wanting to save this marriage. He did it to me again, I get to be the bad guy here. He is doing everyting for us ( me and the family) and I get to be the one who can;t let go of the past. HELP !

Just take two steps back and observe - does this behavior (only one day) really make all hurts go away?

Come on. You're not the bad guy, you didn't cheat.

Don't set the bar too low. You know what you need for recovery and for good marriage, do not settle for crumbs.

He is manipulating you to make you stop pestering him about OW.

Sally, did you read our posts? I thought you had a plan here. What has changed?

Actually, it is YOU who is avoiding conflict. What is he doing to "save this marriage?" Did he tell you the truth about his affair? Did he end all contact? I see no mention of any of that here. Fixing your DD's car and throwing you some crumbs is meaningless. It only means he senses something has changed.

But, nothing will change unless you change.