Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Look at M.S.'s husband. Here he is, thousands of miles from his lover, and yet he still feels compelled to call her. Can you imagine the trouble M.S. would have had separating them if they had not moved? Their move was the best thing that could have happened to their marriage because it not only revealed the affair, but it also set up the conditions that would make ending it possible -- total separation.

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

Exposed in an understatement, and I've actually gone head to head with the "other woman". They both claim that they are "just friends" now and she protects what they "shared" by refusing to tell me her side of what happened. So basically I just get to imagine. When I try to ask more questions I get told that they are just friends and that is all. I guess I'm supposed to be satisfied with that, but I'm not. I want to know exactly what happened, not what I can read between the lines, and I want the contact to stop ! I can't seem to get this across to either, they just think I'm being over dramatic.

But she still contacts him and he still responds, laughing and talking about the past, and talking in code, if you know what I mean.

Ow took my husband to her family, proudly annoucing that they had rekindled their love from 23 years ago, only when he was forced to back off did her family get mad at him for leading her on. But she still contacts him and he still responds, laughing and talking about the past, and talking in code, if you know what I mean.

I have all the contacts, and the phone records. I have exposed him to his family and "our" friends. Our children and their friends and family know also, even his employer knows, but it doesn't stop. I deleted her from his fb account, and blocked her from his phone, but they found a way to stay in touch. He deletes everything from fb as soon as he reads it, but he has not realized that it also records on his hotmail acct, and I check it regularly. I don't want to but I cannot stop. When confronted he pulls the "didn't I tell you" or the favorite, "I don't call her or send her a message, but if she "pops" up then I will chat with her. After all they "will always be friends" ?!