Hey KT, can you give her (and him) a non-DJ way of expressing his concern? I'd like to see it myself, cause DJ's are something I have trouble with from time to time.

FWIW, Jennifer told us that she really doesn't like spouses going to the gym alone. There are so many opportunities to get needs met there by other people - attractive spouse, recreational companionship, conversation, admiration - that they can be breeding grounds for affairs.

I would also like to see a way of how we can express our opinions without DJ's. I have never quite understood DJ'S?? I know when I am giving them to my husband, but my husband thinks he is perfect and never gives them to me but looking at his thread people are pointing them out left and right

but my husband thinks he is perfect

This is a DJ. He does not think he is perfect. We know this because we have spoken to him. So what you said here is disrespectful and untrue. Once you start learning more about what DJ's are, you will not say them as much. Take it from me, I had to learn this in my marriage.

Have you considered volunteering? Volunteering will get you out of the house and could even provide some extra emotional things for you.

I'm also noting that you take the bus. I also take public transportation..One thing I've done is get off a stop or two earlier to get more walking in. And, the great thing about making small changes about where I get on and get off is that it doesn't cost me any extra, but I still get a bit more exercise in.

FWIW, I would think I'd died and gone to heaven if I could quit my job(s) and be a domestic engineer. For me, having 4 hours a day to indulge on all my hobbies sounds wonderful. What are your hobbies?

I also know that when I get out of my routine, I generally don't feel as good about things, and I get less accomplished. (Unless, of course, it's vacation.) I'm wondering how your routines are going? If you don't have any, would you consider starting a small one, especially if it gives you a boost?

I'm also thinking about habits..here. It takes 21 days to make a new habit..

Sometimes, when I try new habits, I try too many at once, get overwhelmed and then give up.

I'm a fan of baby-steps and pacing myself.

I'm wondering if you could identify 3 habits that you could do daily or weekly for the next month or so that would get you closer to where you want to be. I'm talking small things, like maybe every meal, make sure you eat one serving of plant matter in the form of fruits and veggies. Sure, it's not quite what you need to be doing, but you'll get used to it quickly.

Or getting up, showered, and dressed before your husband leaves for work?

Another thing that helped me, without much effort, was exploring weigh watchers. I found, by simply changing what I had for breakfast made a noticable difference in the shape of my body. And for me, it wasn't hard to switch to having a low fat dairy product and a banana for breakfast. I also found, that once I found some "go to" foods, I didn't have to write down what I ate so much.

Conversation without DJs.

Her: I've been feeling bad about myself. I'd really like it if we could get a gym membership so I could start to lose weight and feel better.

Him: I would like to have a gym membership also. However, I am hesitant because in the past we've had gym memberships and they weren't used.

Her: I understand yoru hesitation. But I feel that I will Really dedicate myself this time.

Him: Okay. I�ll tell ya� what. We�ll try it out. We�ll start up a membership at a month to month place that doesn�t require a contract. If at the end of the month, it hasn�t been used, I will be inclined to cancel the membership.



Now if he brings up that he wants to use the gym also then we have to avoid going down the "you just want to stare at other girls!!!" response. What you do however is if when you're at teh gym and you SEE him staring at a girl, then you calmly tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable that he is staring at the brunette in the red tank top...not yelling at him or raising your voice or saying "see! See! I knew you'd just be staring at chicks!"

Sylar, there was another young-young couple that posted here years ago, with similar frustrations. Come to find out later, well, they weren't really married they were engaged, but didn't think it mattered as far as what they needed to do to save their relationship. Well, it was a huge waste of time for everyone. As they were not married, the wife, understandably, was a renter, which is a huge barrier to creating love in a marriage.

I got married at 21. I was totally a renter, going for the short-term solutions instead of the long-term ones. Not understanding how even the huge efforts at care that I was giving in my marriage was destroying it, not building it up. I wonder, if I'd stepped up to be a Buyer then, if I'd known how, if I'd have found a place like this with folks to help me reason through all these new ideas, if my family would still be intact today.

That said, please take a look at this post, it's a true classic. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1970164#Post1970164 A *lot* of material, but takes you through some scenarios to really understand the ideas presented. Then, using this framework.

1. Are you a Buyer, Renter, or Freeloader?
2. To help us understand the situation, why are you married at 22? What do your parents think of your H and of your early marriage?

I like the suggestions you all are giving me.

As of right now, I don't have much of a routine. My days are pretty much just spent keeping the house tidy and watching tv. I agree with all of you very unfulfilled. When I had quit my job, I definitely was wanting to lose weight but started out too aggressively and I ultimately burned myself out. I was doing 90 minutes of cardio a day, taking a weight loss supplement that was keeping me up at all hours of the night, and eating very little. I stuck with that routine for just under two weeks and gave up.

InRecovery : "I'm wondering if you could identify 3 habits that you could do daily or weekly for the next month or so that would get you closer to where you want to be."

--I definitely like the idea of habits, and feel that ultimately this is what my husband is wanting me to get into. What he would like to see is daily calorie tracking and two hours of cardio a week. Perhaps I could do the calorie tracking, and perhaps putting on a bit of makeup and doing my hair by the time my husband comes home? (he leaves for work at 6:50 in the morning, too early for me lol). I would like to find some recipes for low calorie dinners because far too often my husband will come home from a long day at work and we end up eating large meals. I have recently gotten into the habit of keeping the house as clean and tidy as I can throughout the day-by doing the dishes daily, sweeping, mopping, and picking up after my Husky (hair, dirt, and chew toy fluff)With the amount of hair this dog gives off daily that's a lot of work in itself. I had forgotten how long it takes for habits to develop but looking back I have definitely gotten into the habit of keeping the house clean since I have been staying at home .. I guess you can say that is my routine?---

I have been aggressively applying for part time jobs, hopefully I can find one close to home .. one reason why I quit my job in the first place.

My husband and I would also like to find some things to do together outside of sitting around watching TV with one or both of us having our laptops open. We definitely want to do better on UA, and have come to realize that watching tv does nothing for us. We have tried board games and card games, but we are both equally stubborn and competitive that games become rather frustrating. Any suggestions? What are some things you do to spend UA with your spouse?

To answer the previous post, I haven't yet read the article you suggested about renter/buyer?? Will read that one tomorrow, I have been married since I was 20. I really don't care what my parents think of my marrying young considering they each have two failed marriages. Not exactly role models for good relationships. This also could be what has fueled my insecurities in all of my romantic relationships including my marriage, because I have never been witness to a lasting marriage. Everyone in my family (small as it may be) is divorced. My grandmother has been in a relationship for the last 15 years, though they don't live together and never have really (obviously something is not right in their relationship if they don't want to commit to one house and each continue to live on their own) My mother is also rather crazy/irrational, extremely protective, and rather judgmental.

I have been reading your posts about feeling past your best at 23.
I know how you feel, I felt that way too, but at about 26 between having my two children. I was overweight, didn't have any flattering clothes, struggled with time and motivation to diet and didn't really see the point since I didn't expect it to make much difference to my marriage or the way I felt anyway.

I'm now 31 and can honestly say I've never looked or felt better. I lost all the excess weight and have managed to stay at my ideal BMI now for 2 years so far. I have learned to find and do the things that make me feel good about myself rather than relying entirely on the reflected sense of self from my husband although of course that is also better. I would not go back to my twenties again if you paid me. You are not past your best, not at all but moving on you need to find things that fulfill you inside and work on finding the style that is right for you now, that makes you feel good as a grown up, not a teenager.

If you'd like I can send you photos of myself from the age you are and the age I am now. Aging happens but it doesn't have to be that scary. I want to scoop you up and hug you lol, I am a Mummy to two young girls and I hope to be able to help them avoiding feeling like you clearly do and like I did as they grow.

Thanks for the reply, and I think you'll like the article. It's about choosing to stand up for the Marriage instead of short term appeasing a spouse. You and your H mean well, and I think looking at the long term will give you two the shot you both and your marriage deserves.

What appealed to you about marrying at 20? About marrying your H? It's definitely "going against the grain," what appealed to you two about marriage at that age when everyone else was "going steady"? By the language you and your H use, I assume you two are American, am I mistaken about that, was there a cultural reason to marry at that age?

I married young because I had all these younger siblings who were so neglected, and I wanted a do-over. To have kids and parent them with tons of care and love, with an involved father, too. In retrospect, reading about folks who chose other paths, it would have been a great idea to wait until I had marriage skills, too, not just parenting ones! But like the saying goes, "We can't know what we don't know until we know it."

Do you think that your H is reluctant to share SF together because he has a fear of pregnancy at this point? Have you two had false alarms or miscarriages before? I know he's here, and I could just ask him directly, but I think it will help you two in your process more for you to explore together what that is all about.

Wow, that's got to be tough, not to have some elders you respect to look to for guidance, for experience, strength, and hope. Are you two active in a house of worship, where you could make friendships with older folks that you two respect?

For me, it was great to spend time with folks in loving marriages and other family relationships, to see how they communicate, how they get along. Helped me connect all this great stuff I was reading into action. We got along better, too, hanging out with these folks together. Like working on a subconscious level, to fit in with our peers. What do you think?

Re: exercise

What motivates you? For example, I am not a self motivated exerciser. But I am very good at keeping to a schedule for a team or class. Is there a walking group nearby you? Could you start one with your friends? Is there a class you could take at the YMCA or adult education center? Are you motivated by a goal? By a prize?

You asked about things you can do for UA time with your husband. Here are some of the things we like to do:

*Go for walks after supper.

*Take a drive and get ice cream, then drive around and look at expensive houses.

*Go to the grocery store together.

*We belong to the Historical Society and a medieval re-enactment group so we go to the meetings together and participate in activities together.

*go camping

*order shows we both want to see from Netflix and have a movie night.

*wash dishes together after supper.

*work on home improvement projects.

*we have our computers side by side and sometimes he plays computer games while I surf quilt blogs and we share with each other at the same time. It's really fun when he starts a naughty chat on facebook cuz the kids are in the same room but don't know what he's saying to me!

*go to the library or a bookstore

*read a book to each other

Just think of things you are interested in and do them together!

There is also an RC inventory you can fill out, linked under "Questionnaires" at the top of the page.

Part of my getting married at 20, was rebellion from a very over protective mother. Another part was I trusted my husband when he thought we were a good match for each other. My husband had already been married twice (or so he states, I don't quite believe him when he says he was married to the 2nd wife). Lastly I thought that I could really grow to love him, and I have.

I don't think he has a fear of pregnancy and that's why he is reluctant to do increase SF. We have been pregnant 3 times, I quick miscarriage (before we were married) and 2 abortions... 2 pregnancies were accidents, and one was planned. I am a hispanic female, and very fertile but I am on one of the strongest birth control methods (Mirena). He claims that he has always had a low libido but I refuse to believe that's true since he used to brag about the amount of sexual relations with many other women (it's quite high) and has stated how many pregnancies he has had to go through.

We don't go to church.

Working out in a gym seemed to motivate me in the past. I would definitely be motivated by a prize, though not sure what it could be? I know I SHOULD be motivated in that it's important to my husband and therefore weight loss should be important to me. I do want to make him happy, I think I just need to find ways other than using the elliptical we have at home to exercise.. it just seems boring to me.

Sylar, you need to be motivated for yourself also. I used the quitting smoking analogy earlier. People that smoke are only successful when they're self-motivated to quit. A spouse, friend, and family can badger and beg them into quitting but if they do not want to, success is often nil.

The gym is good because they typically have a pool, rowing machines, bikes, etc. And they have group exercise classes that can be fun.

I've found from having female clients that typically women like a much faster paced workout than males. You might look to see if tehre's a Crossfit gym near you. (Google Crossfit and whatever city you live in).

Ugh, my husband and I just got into a fight with him SCREAMING at me saying I am ruining his night and making him hate himself.

I asked him if he wanted radical honesty and he said yes and now he is mad at me.

This morning we had sex (he woke me up initiating) and I didn't enjoy it very much because last week when he woke me up in the morning time to have sex it was because he had watched porn (and I said that porn is the only way he can "get it up" to have sex with me). He said that lots of couple watch porn to get aroused in which I retorted well we are not one of them and he said "yes we are." I am reluctant to enjoy SF with him because he stated on his post that "I just don't do it for him." He lied to me about being damaged from steroids when in reality I just don't do it for him." and he claimed that him trying to meet my need is "just not the same," which I read into as he hates how much work it is because I am so hard to please sexually.

This morning when he tried to meet my need I had figured that it was because he had been watching porn (he claims it was not and that he was just trying to meet my need).

Now he is saying that I am just trying to hurt him because I said that I didn't enjoy it because I thought it was just because he was watching porn, and that I do not want to have sex with him for that reason. How do I have radical honesty in this situation? I did say that I am less enthused about having sex after he stated that I just don't do it for him anymore.

Now he is demanding what he CAN DO to meet my need, and that he just can't win because I don't have anything he can do to make it better. I have asked him to stop looking at porn and now he watches porn 1-2x a week. I don't want to DEMAND sex because I don't want him to hate having sex with me (what good does that do me? I don't even enjoy sex that much I just have the desire to engage in it). Now I feel like sleeping on the couch so I don't have to actively engage in his anger

How is it that I can make this situation better?

[b][/b]Wow! Sylar!
You and H are so cross-wired right now! Which one of you is going to:
STOP!
STEP BACK!
TAKE A DEEP BREATH
and
PRACTICE WH's program?!?
I have glossed over the previous posts. Therefore, if I ask a question that has already been answered, please forgive me...

With that said, I would like to know if you and H have read "His Needs Her Needs" TOGETHER?!? Have you and H read "Love Busters" TOGETHER?!?