Hi Jessi

Your words are always very soothing. Yes I know he loves me but just can't find his way back to me. I am actually pleased he is away this weekend so it gives me a chance to renew my batteries.

I am very very worn out, it has been 7 months since D Day. You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning and are tired of thinking about the situation and you feel defeated. I am not sure how I can rebuild my strength to continue the Plan A but will try. I feel like I have gone into withdrawal with him. I just need to prepare myself mentally for Plan A.

I sent the text, no response.

Hitch

Guys

Ok enough is enough. I have thought about this and had a long conversation with my Dad this morning, and I just can't do this anymore. My Dad who has been very supportive in my efforts to rebuild, says that to do what he did is just completely disrespectful Hitch. You have tried and he just isn't changing. My Dad asked me how he was when I turned up at the pub I said he was completely indifferent and told me I was making a fool of myself.

I sent the text, had no response, that says it all. I am annoyed I sent it, I should have just left it. After all I did nothing wrong. I got upset because I cooked a meal and my H didn't even bother to turn up and sat in the pub drinking with OW and friends, please. I didn't shout and I didn't make any DJ I just told him that was disrespectful and it was. Then he turned the whole thing round at me.

JL and Constant, you were right, time for Plan B. I need to remove him from my life. No going back. I will start the letter. I am heartbroken and I do love him but I am so unhappy and miserable and can't go on like this.

I have been remorseful, I have set up counselling for him to deal with the pain, I have set up counselling for us both, I have put boundaries in place, I have told lots of people how much I love him and prepared to fight for marriage, I have supported him in his business crisis, when he has been sick, I have put up with his womanising, I have lent him money, I have changed jobs to move away from OM, I have sent OM no contact letter, I have listened to his emotional abuse and I have had NOTHING back (a cake oh and a meal). This has gone on for 7 months.

Maybe my affair is just too much for him to get over.

I will do the letter and post.

Sorry for yoyo, but I am allowing him to do this to me, because he continues to disrespect me in every way.

Thanks for all your support, this is the decision I never wanted to have to make.

Hitch xx

I could do with some sample Plan B letters...anyone? Hitch

More questions on plan b.

Do I pack his stuff and move to other property?

Do I change the locks?

Should I do this tomorrow before he comes home?

Thanks

Ok, youve made the decision, and i agree with your list of wehat you have done and that he is blocking all efforts to recovery.

No need to panic and act on the emotions of frustration you feel overnight. Lets plan this right Hitch and continue to give him the choices he can make as he understands you are not gonna take it anymore.

Your Dad knows you best, and yeah it looks foolish to wait for him while he stays the same, but you are not a fool. H is. You are willing to be an adult and waiting a resonable time for him to be also. Reasonable is what we are helping you with, and supporting you in.


I say, first of all that you do NOT leave the house. There are legal reasons for this and practical too. To the court it looks like you abandoned the marriage. In your Hs eyes it appears you are also. His irresponsible attitude towards how he should be acting in a marriage will easily be outweighed in his and everybody elses mind by you leaving. Just as it was by your affair. He will just get more justified.

This. although in the realm of what the marriage lacked, you and us can understand, but in the world opinion and and even the court, you will suffer.

More in a minute...

Next, although you are reacting in frustration and want to do something to protect yourself,(understandable), you still must now react cool and collective with a thought out plan. I tell ya in ten years you will be glad you gave it every posible rational and reasonable chance at this time no matter which way it goes. That also is why we are here.

There should be a plan B letter and you can read some here, compose some and run them by us, and/or wait for some suggestions but I wouldn't panic and throw one out haphazard. Until you can get one that covers it all, from your heart and mind based on facts and positive constructive choices, You need to stay at the house and not make any moves while you deal with the frustration just a little longer.

Even if you feel a change of heart you need to do this until he is committed to your marriage. His past behavior has proven that he needs to change. It sounds like he won't untill he fears some consequences or suffers separation from you. You are not asking for anything that you don't deserve, or NEED to have a happy love filled marriage.

You have the responsibility of having a good marriage. Any fool can tell you if you that with responsibilty you also have the authority. Thats how it works. He also has that responsibilty, pushing all of it off,(like I expect he ussually does), on you and refusing to get help is unfair.

Lets just make sure you stay fair Hitch, If ehe was here I would try and help him but his counsellors must be still in the sandbox.


Stay cool Hitch but don't put your head in the sand untill your marriage is all it was designed to be.



About the plan B letter...This is not something you will want to write just out of your emotions and frustration. It should be from your heart and of course express your pain but it has to show him the way home.

It will make a big differance to you as in the months to come and your own personal recovery and learning process you will not be in contact with him at all, so what you say in it will effect you too. He might or might not decide to come back but you will be drawing a line that tells him who you are and what you expect. Lets make sure you don't have anything to regret later on going in that letter. You might only recognize those things months later as your recovery processes.


Plan B is NO CONTACT.. Its a big but sometimes nesseary step and designed for you to recover, fully, not partially, and not to live in desparation and despair. The plan B letter is the last chance for communication untill he gets his head straight on what he needs to do. It also might be the last words you say to him if he doesn't comply.


Think Hitch, not that you don't, but right now the natural thing is to react.


Read up on plan B letters and my prayers for you and your sons,( sorry), your Hs recovery. It IS possible ya know, even if it seems like its not

Thanks Constant you don't know how much your support and guidance means. I DO want to look back in 10 years knowing I acted gracefully and did what I could to rebuild my M to the man I love.

Back soon when I am home.....

Got a chuckle out of this one -- my read exactly.

Hitch, I don't have an opinion on when or whether you should do plan B, but I do think it is important that that decision is part of an actual plan and not reactive to something your H is doing.

He controls him.

You control you.

I want to focus you on the NC part of Plan B. No driving by the pub. No texting. No emailing. No smoke signals. No checking on what he's doing through mutual friends. No sending him information about you through mutual friends, including information on your well being (or lack thereof) which in effect means the mutual friends will be completely off limits as a resource.

How are you going to manage that? Identify your resources, alert them to your plan, tell them you are going to need additional support. Have a plan on how to manage your Plan.

I will tell you a true story to illustrate what I am talking about. When we were in college my then BF, now H, started dating someone else. He did sort of break up with me, but there was some grey area there. One Sunday evening I appeared unannounced at his house and walked in his room as I had done a hundred times before. You get three guesses what I saw, and the first two don't count.

Anyway, I told him he was legally dead to me. Don't call me, don't send me messages, don't write me if I see you on the street, keep walking. I went back to my house, dragged my mattress across the alley to my best friend's room, and slept there for a week because I knew I could never maintain NC on my own.

The next time I saw my BF/H was 3 weeks later in a college town 300 miles away where he spotted my car and threw himself across the windshield and refused to get off until I talked to him (there was alcohol involved as you might have guessed.)

I was fully prepared to keep driving because -- and this is what I want you to see -- the NC was self preservation.

I know that story isn't exactly Plan B, but it does, I hope, highlight for you the importance of having a strategy for maintaining NC with your H should you get to Plan B. Where are you going to drag your mattress?

A poorly executed Plan B is the worst of all worlds from what I can gather.

Ok, I'm back from the grind,

I want others to talk to you about your plan B besides me. I know this much about them.

Poorly executed or planned leaves your H a place he can still blame you for his crap.

Plan B is to preserve whatever love you have for H, and to prepare you for the recovery process for you primarily, and first, then for a restoration if both parties are willing.

It might take awhile for H to see what he is missing. He might never. So that is another important part of plan B, to forgive him for his shortcomings and ignorance withoout allowing him wiggle room to get out of his end of building a good marriage.

You can't let things go back to a uncomfortable but managable place that is not improving. Many plan Bs fail because they have false recoverys.

This might sound familiar to you and I have heard it so many times... See if you identify with it at some level.


Joan has been told by her friend Jane that she should stand up for herself because Joans husband doesn't treat her right. Joans husband is told by his friends that he works to hard and deserves more respect from Joan.

How did these two people get this advice from thier friends? How come? Because they didn't discuss thier issues with each other. See? They were probably bitchin to thier friends.

Now here is the other half...

Joan and her Husband get together and bring the issues to the table in a fight. After a while they start to realize that what thier friends said had an effect on why they were so mad at each other. They decide that thier frinds were the problem, that they didn't understand the love they had and it was thier business what and why they did anything....

...and they never discussed what they were bitchin about in the first place...


That is a scenerio played out by many people in all areas of relationship and it could be avoided if people would just communicate honestly and fearlessly with each other..You might have to make exceptions when you are talking to your pastor, or a child, or someone emotionally disturbed or triggered because of trauma. The LAST person you should have to be afraid to speak your heart is your soul-mate.


In plan B, you will learn a lot about yourself. It would be ideal to do that while you are in your marriage but its not posible if you are being mistreated. But know this, it IS nessesary either way.

You will regain who you are, inside and outwardly, as you realize nobody owns you and anyone who says they love you would not want to chain you. At the same time, you will learn how boundaries are a gift, not slavery, as you understand the wisdom of them. You will grow into a woman who gives themself freely to thier Husband without losing anything of themself. Totally whole and separate, protecting themself as they hold thier head high.

You don't need your H, or a marriage, to be OK, you need to love yourself and protect yourself first. That has allways been Gods desire for you. Plan B should be the place you grow in that.

If or when he comes back is not as important as this. If he is able to humble himself to what it takes to grow,(up), it could be awesome. He has to do it and you can't make him, you can only show him the door to the way back. Thats how it is with everyone hitch. Anything else is slavery.


In plan B he has to see how life will be without you, like you never existed, like you are gone forever and he is alone. Will he choose to play childish blame games forever? Will he play the "get out of marrige free" card and find someone he can cry to? Only time will tell, and his ability to see he needs help.

Plan B is for you. Plan B is for him too to suffer the consequences he had part in creating. Don't deny him the consequences, he needs them just like you did. Make sure you do a solid Plan B.

I pray you both come out of this with more than sad storys of he did, she did, and love lost. I hope you both can live in restoration to what marrige can and is supposed to be. Two strong people becoming stronger from thier union, but it takes three really, not two only. It takes that third person in the form of hope and seeks restoration to relationship with God and his children. If that is not between you how fragile and brittle will you be in your marraige as you grow old and weak? How many mistakes will either of you make that can't be dealt with with understanding and yes, change.

You have a lot of learning too Hitch and your going in the right direction.

I like this cause you admitted you love him..

I hope in tens years when you think of this time you will be able to reach over and hug your H knowing it was bad time but full of growth, and you can post that on this site as you help others..

Put together a plan B letter Hitch even if you think its incomplete we can work on whatever pops up. Post it and lets see what we can do.

It will help you to do something positive towards your marriage instead of fuming and hurting. KWIM?

Don't worry, we won't spare the 2X4s if needed, lol

Hi Saddest

You bring up some good points. I am worried about this too, however I am feeling very strong right now about my decision and am seriously in withdrawal with my H.

I have stopped seeing mutual friends as it was too painful to hear anything about what my H has been upto. I have deleted him as a friend on my FB account because I didn't want to see anything some girl may have posted.

HOWEVER, I will be fine initially, but I know as soon as my H is gone he will get a new girl in tow and it is how I deal with this. When I left last year he had a new GF within 3 weeks who he flaunted all over town, having bbqs and stuff so it would get back to me through mutual friends. Then when he found out about the A earlier this year, he went away fo a weekend with OW immediately after. So this will be the tough part. He will want to get back at me somehow. So I have to be prepared for this.

However, I am just going to have to be strong and see it for what it is, him using some poor other girl. Boy I wish he would grow up.

I will let my friends and family know what is going on, and tell them how hard this is going to be. They will check in daily and I can always go and stay at my mothers, sisters, or friends house for the night if I am feeling low.

I am pretty strong, and my mother gave me some good advice last year which was if you want to get him back, the most powerful thing you can do is ignore him. When I left last year, and realised 3 weeks later I had made a huge mistake, I cried and begged him to talk me and he wouldn't. Then I heard he had a new GF and it made me so mad, I went completely dark on him for about 3 weeks. I ignored all his texts, his phone calls and he turned up at my house at some ridiculous hour in the morning begging to talk to me telling me how much he loved and missed me.

Also, I won't drink, even just a couple of glasses of wine will lower my resolve, so that will have to stop so I am completely in control. I know if I do Plan B he has to know I mean business, so I won't break it. To me it is going to be a real test to see whether he loves me or not. If he loves me deeply enough he will find a way back to me.

Thanks again, saddest.

This paragraph sums it up. This is the million dollar question. I am going to go to church today. I am not particularly religous, but I seem to go when I have a crisis in my life. I am going to pray for him, and our marriage, and pray that he will take responsibility and we can build a strong loving, caring, happy marriage. Funny how this was one of the problems during the relationship his lack of responsibility. I am really doubtful he will ever be able to do this, more negative thinking, but most men seem to mature around 30....I hope I am wrong.

Oh saddest,

forgot to mention, it is the terrible anxiety with the separation that is the worst. The constant thinking about the situation, the feeling of abandonement, not being able to focus and enjoy things...

Last night I woke him having had the most horrendous nightmare, it was awful, this is the worst part.

I have written my draft Plan B letter, it feels good to be honest getting it all out. Not sure what good it will do, he is blocking all attempts. I had not heard a peep from him all weekend. That says it all.

At least I am being honest with myself. I think the letter maybe a bit long, well what do you expect, we never communicated truthfully!

sorry its a bit long! well what do you expect with a marriage based on zero communication...lol...

whoops ignore last letter I am just posting new one

I have added some stuff

Darling Husband

This is one of the hardest letters I have ever written. It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage. I want to share with you my regrets, my fears, my hopes and dreams for the future.

Firstly, I want to apologise for the pain and hurt I caused you due to my affair, it was the most selfish act I have ever commited and I will always regret this. Sometimes I find it difficult to spend time with you, because I can see the hurt and pain in your eyes, to see you in pain puts me there too. You have often quite rightly asked me, Hitch why did you do it? I have spent many hours thinking about this, as quite rightly I needed to give you an answer. I did it because I let down my guard and allowed someone else to meet my emotional needs. My own actions my own choice, my own selfish bad decision. I took you and what we had for granted. I did not communicate to you how I was feeling and what I needed and giving us both the opportunity to improve things. I thought asking you for my needs defeats the object, i know now you are no mind reader. I have learnt a life long lesson, and am still learning. I have learnt many things such as;

Whatever the situation its never acceptable to cheat
That men are not mind readers - you sometimes have to tell them what you need, a hug, to spend time with you, support, ect...
That you can have great expectations of people, but this can lead to huge disappointment or resentment
Resentment is like poison, if you store things up
That it is important to be honest and open about everything, and you can lie by omission by not sharing how you feel
What my boundaries are (respect, honesty, weddings vows) and how much happier I will be living by them and that I expect the same back from others
That you are actions man rather than words man
That I need to learn to communicate positive and negative emotions
That if people overstep your boundaries then you need to let them know appropriately
If people continue to overstep your boundaries, then you need to remove them from your life
That if you love someone, you will explain how you feel to them about everything, so you learn and grow together
The principles which make a good marriage are meeting each others emotional needs and not doing anything which will upset the other person and being intimate with each other, communicating honestly and openly.
That I do have your heart, and I care for it, I will protect you, care for you and respect you, and I can only prove and demonstate this to you through my actions.

Why did I not confess? Because I was a coward, I dug a hole deeper and deeper to try and justify and escape my own actions. The hardest thing I have ever had to do is face myself, then face you. However, although it has been hard and I feel a much better person for being completely open and honest with myself about everything. I thought I could walk away start a new life, but I made a massive assumption, I underestimated how deep my love is for you. That time I spent with OM, was awful, a dirty dark time in my life with a person who had major character flaws and was willing to break up a marriage, it was horrible. You must also be thinking, would I do it again? Well you are probably looking at the least person in the world likely to cheat. I have already started to put measures in place to prevent this happening. I have cut off friendships with men that I thought were innocent (which on their part proved not to be), I mention your name repeatedly to men in the office environment, I don't have personal discussions about my marriage or personal life with any other men, I don't want to have friendships with men unless you are part of that and I also feel very uncomfortable in the office environment one I would like to leave, as I think affairs are rife here and firstly I would (if you would let me) create and build a marriage so great that infedelity has no place.

I have been remorseful Husband. I have set up counselling for you to deal with your pain, I have set up counselling for us both, I have had counselling to understand my terrible decision, I have put boundaries in place, I have admiteed my own decisions to those around me who i love, I have told lots of people how much I love you and prepared to fight for marriage (I have no embarassment here), I have supported you in your business, looked after you when you have been sick, I have put up with your womanising, I have lent you money, I have changed jobs to move away from OM, I have sent OM no contact letter and continued to have no contact, I have taken your raging and emotional abuse. This has gone on for 7 months, only in the last 3 months really stepping up my commitment to rebuild.

I hope you believe that people can grow and learn from their mistakes. I have seen you forgive others who have wronged you. I think the difference here is whether the individual wants to change. Did you father cheat on your mother again? No. Did your brother hit another women again? Yes. The difference here is that one person took the steps that THEY wanted to change so they did not repeat the same behaviour. It is said that stress/pressure/pain does not make character, it reveals character. What do you see revealed to you when you look in the mirror and see the things you have done, and said to me? Maybe it is time for you to be honest with yourself too, I know this is not easy, it took me too way too long. Is this the person you want to be? I know you Husband, better than you know yourself, and I don't think so, because I believe in you. Thats why i wanted to marry you, because of who you are.

A few weeks back, I had a discussion with you about my mothers views on our marriage, and that I had a fall out with her, because I stated my decison and she disagreed. You said me to me, Hitch, do not let her get to you, if you do then she has control and influence over your decisions in life. This was good advice, and I listened and have made the changes. I put my mother on a pedastal and took her opinions and views and ways she treated people on board which affected my marriage. No more. I make my own decisions, based on my own data and morals and if she (or anyone else) does not suport them, then I cannot be held responsible. I have cut the emotional ties. but...I think you need to listen to your own advice. I think your mother has more control over you than you realise. You think you are the perfect Husband? Yet you act and treat me as if you were your mother. Your behaviour seems to be strongly influenced by your mother, whom I suppose you see with no flaws. I say this with love and honesty, because I care. I also want to add that I appreciate all those times when you defended me against her. I am just sad that she puts you in that position, thats the hardest thing for me to get my head round, and probably the root cause of my resentment.

When I asked you what barriers were to be overcome you said that I should go and apologise to your mother and ask for her forgiveness. I think your concern is valid, that it needs to be dealt with, but as a united front, together, stating that we would love their support in our recovery, but our support is not depdandant on it. What kind of husband would that make you to throw your wife under the car of what will be your vengeful mother? You know she does not want us to be together, what do you think me going round there will be like? What am I to tell her when we have not sorted ourselves out? Your mum and I need to talk and lay down the weapons, with you mediating this discussion. Once this has happened I would like to get to know your mother and father and build them into our lives properly, if we ever decide to have children make them a part of that too. I also know I have hurt her son and need to show remorse.

I have been hurt too by the other woman you have been with, but I have forgiven you. The nights when you did not come home, the weekends you went away were just awful, it was too painful somedays that I would just sit and cry most of the day. I do not think that the slate has been wiped clean though, because of your affairs. I would need to see a no contact letter or have some real assurance from you that you are no longer in contact with them. This is not an attempt to control you (I think you having female friends is good if we share them), this is an attempt to make a happy safe marriage. I snoop to know where I stand, I do not enjoy doing this, I don't want to be reduced to this. Did I snoop before your affairs? Never. Was I ever rude to your previous girlfriends? Never. It is just not going to work whilst you are in contact with women you had a relationship with whilst we are married. You are no fool husband you know this. They have their own agendas which is probably to have you, if I were in their shoes and a married man came knocking at my door, I would be sending them home to their wife, to either divorce them or be married to them. Not once have you told me you are no longer in contact with them. Hence my paranoia.

You have said to me before, Hitch maybe I was just not the man for you, that I could not make you happy. Believe me you could, if I only I told you what I needed, doh! I need a H who will show love, care and support for me. I need you to take care of me when I am sick, cheer me up when I am down, bring me a hot water bottle when I have a stomach cramp, protect and defend me when someone treats me badly in front of you, tell me what you like about me, compliment me when you think it in your mind (oh I can always see itin your eyes I just need to hear it), spend time with me, be honest and open with me about your feelings, wants, desires to create a level of intimacy. I had a problem with your golf and your work, I didn't want you to not do it, I am really admire what you have done, I just resented it that was the problem. I wanted you to be enthusiastic about me as you were those other things. I think you need to know that maybe you needed to continue to act like you were dating still when you were married! Iknow you just wanted to put your feet up...but us women don't want that.. we want a bit of effort. Not just when we are mad when you have done something to upset us, so it was reactive to make up for something, just all the time...to show you still care.

What do I want for the future? I want you and only you, anything else is a bonus. I love spending time with you, like no one else. I want my gorgeous, handsome, fun, loving, sexy, kind husband right beside me for the rest of my life. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I wanted all the dreams we shared and talked about. I want to build an amazing marriage, where we are so deeply in love that there is never any reason to separate. I want to work alongside you building the busines together, I would like to adopt a child, I would like to grow a vegatable patch (!), I would like to have a chalet in the mountains, I would like to have your child, I would like to buy a plot of land and build our dream house and maybe even move somewhere new, meet new friends, new couples...who knows..., I would like to have a holiday home in the sun, where we escape to in the summer, I would like to travel go new places have new experiences together.... Basically (!!) I want to be right alongside you doing things together.

In order for us to reconcile

1. You need to cease contact with the other women
2. I need to have an apology and regret for your affairs.
3. We need to agree a plan, to rebuild our marriage, such as spending time together, trust each other, open and honesty and only do things that we jointly agree about
4. Act respectfully towards each other
5. Your mother needs to know that you don't have your head where the sun don't shine, but she also needs to know that you value your vows to me your wife, you value your marriage, and you are and will fight to preserve this marriage as long as your wife is willing to do her part.
6. For you to stop treating me like your mother and how you mother treats other people.

Until that point, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. To this end, I feel it is best that you find another place to stay such as wells close. I would also like any of the regular communications between us to be handled through a friend.

I hope you understand this is not to punish you, or because I want the marriage to be over, it is because living with you and you treating me disrepectfully is poisening the love I have for you. I know I had an affair and you are hurting and in pain, but please please tell me how I can help you? I am not a mind reader either. We either decide to remain married and HONOR our vows or we decide to leave one another. Punishment is not part of the equation, retribution is not part of the equation, only honest effort is part of the equation.

I love you more than anything or anyone else I have ever loved.

Hitch x

5 & 6 ...

lol!!!!

ok got a bit carried away there........5 and 6 deleted.