That is too tough to answer. Some marriages are damaged so badly that the BS can never get over the resentment. The resentment factor varies from person to person. Some can never get over the resentment, but that is very rare. There is hope if BOTH partners are committed to recovery, however, and just compensation is made.

In the absence of violence, child abuse, etc, I have seen some pretty horrific marriages end up recovered. And by that I mean serial cheating scenarios. As long as there is just compensation, even the worst marriage can be turned around.

Scotland, Righthere and Sugarcane

Thanks for your response.

I am sure that you are more than aware of what I am asking.
Being the BS of a serial cheater, I don't know anything any more. What I thought was my life really wasn't so I don't know what my reality is.
I mean, what yardstick do you use to measure anything? his commitment? hell, I thought he was committed to the M, only to find out now he probably never was.

I feel like someone turned upside down trying to get back on my feet but my world won't settle down to allow me to.

I am bordering on hatred for my WH.
For the first time in my life I don't even know how to make decisions.
I do not trust him even if he told me the sky is blue, so how the heck do we move on from here?

teaser, my suggestion would be to give it a college try for a year and see what happens. You have nothing to lose that way and can always change your mind in the future.

Melody

That is exactly what I have been thinking, but I am wondering if the hatred thing would interfere? do I tell him thats how I am feeling? would that contribute to my rages? I really need for those to stop, I end up feeling so emotionally depleted. I sometimes notice now that I also feel empty. Is that also normal?

Teaser,

When I read the SAA book shortly after D-day #1, I decided to commit to the M for 2 years and then reassess. I am glad I did that because it was a very rocky 2 years.

I was extremely angry and resentful for a long time. When my H finally started to be honest, most of the anger dissipated. Before that, we were in a terrible cycle of: I knew he was lying. He would keep lying. I would blast him verbally. He would cough up a detail. I had proof he had been lying. It was horrendous. I had no idea what our MB coach said to H, but after they talked, he became open and honest and we have been improving every day since.


I recommend the MB program without reservation.
AM

Geez, sister, you're going to be all over the place, emotion-wise. Totally normal.

Yes, you tell him how you're feeling, but you use it as a tool and not a weapon. Sometimes easy to say...

When my rages came on I grabbed a pillow, went into the garage and slammed the sh*t out of it. It was better than hurting myself or my H. When I was done I would talk to H about what emotions I was feeling. The key thing was his patience in listening and being empathetic about the damage he had done to me. We would talk, sometimes cry. Sometimes I'd have to slam the pillow again in mid-discussion, then get back to talking. Consider trying that to see if it helps.

Lord, the time it takes to repair this damage. It won't happen overnight. Hang in there.

MB

Thanks for your input.

I think that I am letting his games get to me, because I get the impression, and I told him this, that he is of the opinion, hey, I have let go of my fog and I have told you so, so why can't you move on.

He still does not get it. But I have to just focus on ME.
Before I left for work this morning I told him, we are about a half a step away from going our separate ways because I will not tolerate his head games any more. I can do bad all by myself.

Teaser - I'm going to bump my Plan B Cafe thread. I think I had it renamed Mental Toughness because some of the shares in that thread were not exclusively for Plan Bers.

You need to develop a plan that doesn't depend on his behavior.

You'll need to get a poly from him. I'm thinking of adding some thoughts and hopefully others will join in with yes/no questions for potential polygraph tests.

Right now, he strikes me as smug self-righteous and arrogant. The good news is that TST/HerPapaBear was just like him a few years ago. So were a couple of other repeat offenders.

He needs humbling and he needs to demonstrate the fruits of true remorse and amends. You'll see what you need to see either way to make a decision about your life.

((((HUGS))))

Hang in there.

Recovery either way you choose is not a smooth ride. That's why I started the Cafe a couple of years ago for just such an occasion.

Can you do this? Write down exactly what he's doing that is unhinging you. You'll probably come up with a fairly lengthy list. Break it down into categories: 1. Actions 2. Words 3.Habits, for example.

Pick a night to give him a few of the items on the list - not the whole elephant. Pick, say, 3 actions/non-actions. Write those down and give those three to him. Let him read them and respond back to you in writing. He may need to sleep on his answers, and that's good. Let him think before he speaks. Ask for a response to your concerns within a certain period of time so he can't blow it off.

Don't let his response anger you. Then it's YOUR turn to sleep on your response.

My point in suggesting this is to encourage both of you to keep your emotions as neutral as possible and realize that this is a repair tool, not an opportunity to bash your WH's real or perceived shortcomings. And writing it down will keep both of you following an agenda, which may help you stay on topic as opposed to flying off the handle.

Then you give him another list. This time pick, oh, 'words'. You give him a list of say, three things he says that really pick you up or make you feel good. Ask him to return a list of three of his own that are about you. This one is to reteach both of you about the things that are 'good' in each other. You're feeling resentful right now, understandably. That's why I think it's good to keep the positives right up there with the negatives so you don't get buried in all of the negative stuff.

Take turns communicating positive and negative things. Your H is likely feeling dumped on right now to the point of not being able to do anything right. I don't blame you for wanting to brain him, but that'll be counter-productive in the long haul.

KWIM?

teaser, stop lambasting him. I know you hate him now, but you are harming your marriage when you unload on him. He is still very entitled and smug but you need to let us work on that.
\
When you speak your hatred out loud you keep yourself riled up and you push him away.

Come here and unload to US idf you have to.

Thanks Army

We have discussed the on line program and I am waiting for his commitment.

I have no problems about doing it, I have recognized from the beginning that this is not something we can do on our own. The situation has only gotten worse with the added discoveries.

Will update you when I have an answer.

Kayla

Thank you so much.

I am willing to give anything a try. Even if not for the sake of my M but for my sake because from where I am standing, I feel like I am the one suffering the most, and matters are complicated by the fact that I keep learning more stuff.
When you add that to everything else, it just gets to be too much. Don't get me wrong, I NEED to know the truth, like I had said before though, I may not know what the truth is but I sure as heck know when someone is not being open and honest. I am absolutely amazed at how quickly that can trigger me. O believe that it is what I see as his arrogance. That arrogance can very well lead to the downfall of this M.
Funny enough, the things that you have said in this post is exactly what I said to WH this morning, thing is I am not sure that when I say them, there is any impact. My patience is running out, its not that I am of the opinion that at 4 months post D Day I should be over this, I know thats not possible, but when I see him playing head games with me, not only is it cruel, it lets me know that his repentance is not where it ought to be and my mind is now saying, run, before he can do any more damage to you. I have moved into self protection mode. Its the only defense mechanism that I have.

MB

Okay, I am going to give your recommendation the old college try.

He generally has a problem with time frames but here goes....

Will keep you updated.

Ok Melody.

I will try, honest to goodness I will try.

The issue this last time was first he admitted to a past relationship, then he tried to back pedal, the admission was upsetting enough, but when he tried to retract it, in my mind he was not only being a liar (and not a good one at that) but to me it is insulting and disrespectful, almost like he thinks that I am stupid and I am not capable of seeing through his pathetic lies. Thats what ticked me off, that after all this time, he is still continuing to do that.
And to make this worse, one of his skanky whores is in town and was actually on TV-like do I need this crap on top of everything else?
I did not tell him myself about the hatred thing, I only posted it here but of course he read it. I am not sorry that I put it out there though because he needs to understand what his behavior has done to me and if he persists with his current behavior pattern, there can only be one outcome.

teaser, when there are couples posting here they are urged in the strongest possible terms to STAY OFF EACH OTHER'S THREADS.

If one or both is not willing to do that - well, that says a lot about their committment to fixing the marriage.

Also, do you know the term "gaslighting"?

Hi Mulan

I looked it up, and you are so right.
I do not look at his thread, when I see that he has had a response, I would go tell him, unfortunately he does not do the same. However, I am sure he will say that he is new here and no one told him he should not look at my post.

Here is a new question for the BSs out there.

How would you feel if when discussing OW with your WH, he proceeds to tell you how pretty he thinks she is?

Is there anyone out there who may agree with me that I should kill him? just kidding-NOT!!

I want to know why he would say that. Would you please ask him to come to his thread and explain why he did that?

Did you directly ask him to describe her looks?

I have just told him, I think he is signing on right now.

Sigh!!!!!