JF, listen to ML.

Your wife has an anger problem and her abuse is escalating (from verbal to physical - it will get worse) and she is turning it on your son as well.

She is not 'just this way'. She chooses to be this way out of habit. She can retrain herself.

She needs anger management.

I suggest you put down HNHN for Parents and pick up Love Busters. The chapter on Angry Outbursts in particular. When your wife becomes angry she is temporarily insane. She cannot be trusted. She needs to short circuit her brain to NOT get angry.

This is VERY possible.

I think you should insist on this.

Recovery cannot occur when there is abuse and addiction going on. You've removed the addiction of the affair, but now you must stop the abuse.

* on my son *

There is absolutely no physical or blatant intentional emotional abuse to our son.

She came from a bad family situation and has done everything she could for our son. She bundles up all her fears and emotions and I'm the only one she has where she can "safely" release them. In the past it has only been out of sight and earshot of our son.

This last year or so its cropped up slightly in front of him, and I have told her for years that she won't be able to hide this behavior from him forever.

He has noticed this behavior and its starting to bother him. (He has NEVER witnessed the yelling or terrible words)


** On to me **

My worry is that she is stubborn enough to just say "NO", or "I can't change fast enough, so just leave me."

I've had similar that "heart to heart" a number of times. I guess the only part I haven't done is a true separation. (more than one week).

In addition to Love Busters, I recommend listening to the Marriage Builders Radio program daily. Dr. Harley talks a lot about the issue of angry outbursts, including his own history with angry outbursts, long ago. It is very helpful!

Her loosing it at you in front of your son IS blatant intentional emotional abuse of your son. She looses it and she doesn't care WHO gets hurt.

Just because she isn't yelling AT him doesn't mean she isn't hurting him, else why did he start crying?

She'll start yelling AT him soon enough.

Don't become like the abused wife who takes and takes their husband's abuse. That is where you're headed. What do we tell a battered wife who's abuser won't get help? LEAVE! That is why there are shelters set up all over the place.

You should NOT be taking abuse.

When she gets physical CALL THE POLICE. She needs CONSEQUENCES to her action not a 'heart to heart'.

She can change, if you give her a motivation to.

STOP putting up with it.

Being arrested might change her perspective. I would have that chat with her, JF, and explain that this needs to change TODAY or you won't stay with her. Force the issue and give her a reason to change.


I would give her 5 minutes to change. And if she can't, I would ask her to move out.

"Safely" abusing her husband is an oxymoron. Her past is no excuse for her abusive behavior as an adult.

OMGosh I just went back and reread this.

JF STOP!! You are BEING ABUSED!!!

Sometimes I wish there were abuse lines for battered husbands.

One of the requirements of a husband is NOT for you to be someone 'safe' for your wife to beatup. Honestly, if this were your sister (lacking a sister, another close female relative) and she came to you and described this to you with her HUSBAND being the abuser, what would you say?

It's not that bad, now go fix your marriage?!?!?!?

Really?

JF this is NOT acceptable.

ETA: FOO issues is NOT a valid excuse. It may be a reason for her to behave this way but it does not EXCUSE her from changing. My mom had an affair and raised me to call OM dad. Does that mean it's ok for me to have an affair?

If she does slip back to the "Just leave then." attitude, and I do take it to total separation, what do I do about my son?

Should I also, move the bank accounts? (I work, she does not), it seems to me that just removing myself, but not the benefits of being married to me can't work.

I would let her know you won't be doing the leaving but will be seeking legal remedies and going for possession of the home and primary custody with supervised visitations. She obviously can't afford the house and can't support your son. Since your wife is an abuser, you surely don't want to leave your son in her care alone. if she won't agree to stop, tell her this and then come back here and we will help you with next steps.


I agree. I would quietly move your money to a safe place in case she tries to plunder it.

I'd recommend not giving away too much of the battle-plan - a WW can actually use that against the BH (like claiming abuse first and calling the police or taking out a TRO). I say that the BH should just tell the WW that he's not prepared to accept any more abuse, period. And if the abuse continues, start executing the plan above.

Say she ends up looking at divorce, I'm in Tennessee. As far as I know, no matter what the cause, marital assets are divided equally.

Since we have lots of assets and little debt, I can see this path looking appealing to her.

Is there any way for me to essentially keep the majority of marital assets in any situation?

I'm not trying to be greedy, but the fact is, if she divorces me she gets a lot. Plus child support.

Thats not going to help me convince her that sticking with me is the best solution.


I also know that I shouldn't want her if she only stays with me because of money, but I hate the fact that divorcing me, has so few negatives to her (in an angry state of mind).


Overview of our marital assets:

I have always be the one working, supporting the family.

She did contribute about $80,000 last year through inheritance.

We own one home (~150,000) completely.

We have half ownership of a duplex property (~150,000+) completely.

We have about $60,000 owed on our current home (~250,000).

We have no other debt, everything else we have is completely paid for.

I make ~100,000 a year, so she will most likely get a decent child support payment. (She has used this in the past to threaten me)

The reason I think he should say this is because she believes he will do nothing to stop her. If she knows he will do something and her gig is up, she will be more inclined to stop it. Often, this is the wake up call they need.

You need to get a VAR (voice activated recorder). Carry it. You need to journal any and all violent behavior. Absolutely separate finances if needed. Your best move is to document everything.

Already doing this.

I have many of her outbursts recorded. (including one where she did hit me)

Also recorded the admission of the affair, plus details.

On grounds of adultery and abuse? I would verify this. We have had many men in your situation who were awarded primary custody because of extenuating circumstances.

Regardless, you should tell her that you will be fighting in court for those things. That alone should give her pause.


It will be her job to CONVINCE YOU to stick with her. That is what you should focus on. You shouldn't WANT to stick with her as long as she abuses you, that is the point. It will be up to her to convince you to stay with her.

I've *said* these things in the past, with little effect.

The only thing to do if I say them again and it doesn't stop is immediately follow through.

Her response in the past has always sounded like :
"Do it and its over... " then threats of how bad the divorce settlement will be.

OR

"Try it, and I'll call the cops on you every time you come around. You'll spend a lot of time in jail."

Both revolve around her vision that the legal system always believes/supports the woman.

I'm willing to go the distance this time, but I have serious doubt's she will realize this before some major and possibly unrecoverable damage is done.

In that case, why don't you consult a lawyer FIRST and get all your ducks in a row? Get a mean, junkyard dog lawyer who will help you get as much as possible and leave her with nothing. Find out about filing on grounds of adultery and physical abuse.

The main reason that men lose is because they believe they will lose. And this belief is often fostered by an attorney who wants to take the path of least resistance. You would be AMAZED at what some of the men here achieved in these situations. Many have recieved primary custody, and actually get CS from their wives. Rarely do they have to pay their wives anything. You just have to take the bull by the horns and find a lawyer that will adequately defend you.

In the meantime, carry a VAR and the next time she assualts you, call the police and have her tossed in jail.

You have nothing to lose unless you are prepared to live in an abusive marriage. It is not in your son's best interest to live in such an environment. I assure you he knows what is going on. Kids are not stupid. He needs to see an example of his father standing up for himself.

I would make sure your son and everyone else knows what is going on. Tell them about the affair and about her physical abuse.

Here are the Tennessee statutes for grounds for divorce. You CAN file for grounds of adultery AND for cruelty (i.e., mental and physical abuse).


36-4-101. Grounds for divorce from bonds of matrimony. �

(a) The following are causes of divorce from the bonds of matrimony:

(1) Either party, at the time of the contract, was and still is naturally impotent and incapable of procreation;

(2) Either party has knowingly entered into a second marriage, in violation of a previous marriage, still subsisting;

(3) Either party has committed adultery;


(4) Willful or malicious desertion or absence of either party, without a reasonable cause, for one (1) whole year;

(5) Being convicted of any crime that, by the laws of the state, renders the party infamous;

(6) Being convicted of a crime that, by the laws of the state, is declared to be a felony, and sentenced to confinement in the penitentiary;

(7) Either party has attempted the life of the other, by poison or any other means showing malice;

(8) Refusal, on the part of a spouse, to remove with that person's spouse to this state, without a reasonable cause, and being willfully absent from the spouse residing in Tennessee for two (2) years;

(9) The woman was pregnant at the time of the marriage, by another person, without the knowledge of the husband;

(10) Habitual drunkenness or abuse of narcotic drugs of either party, when the spouse has contracted either such habit after marriage;

(11) The husband or wife is guilty of such cruel and inhuman treatment or conduct towards the spouse as renders cohabitation unsafe and improper, which may also be referred to in pleadings as inappropriate marital conduct;

(12) The husband or wife has offered such indignities to the spouse's person as to render the spouse's position intolerable, and thereby forced the spouse to withdraw;

(13) The husband or wife has abandoned the spouse or turned the spouse out of doors for no just cause, and has refused or neglected to provide for the spouse while having the ability to so provide;

(14) Irreconcilable differences between the parties; and

(15) For a continuous period of two (2) or more years that commenced prior to or after April 18, 1985, both parties have lived in separate residences, have not cohabited as man and wife during such period, and there are no minor children of the parties.

(b) A complaint or petition for divorce on any ground for divorce listed in this section must have been on file for sixty (60) days before being heard if the parties have no unmarried child under eighteen (18) years of age, and must have been on file at least ninety (90) days before being heard if the parties have an unmarried child under eighteen (18) years of age. The sixty-day or ninety-day period shall commence on the date the complaint or petition is filed.

Tennessee Grounds for Divorce Statutes