You're doing fine HT. It's hard to think clearly when it is your own marriage. I can give all the advice I want, but when it comes to DH and I, sometimes I have my blinders on and I mess up, it's human nature.

You want to say EVERYTHING in your letter, you want to get it all out. However, that will just undermine your purpose.

Do what you can about the coaching or online program. Her response will tell you what you need to know. You can make your plan from there. One way or another, something has to change. With or without your wife, things will get better for you if you use MB. I hope it is WITH your wife, but ultimately that decision is up to her.

I write this with enormous pain but not anger.
I believe for my own sanity that I must go to Plan B.
I don't believe its my ego driving me.
I do believe it is mental torment that I can no longer tolerate.
Please help me...
I cannot get my WW to put any time in.
She is lost in her schooling which feels like it will never end.
SO please try and answer my question...
Where do Plan B husbands find the strength?
I feel like my sanity and health are at risk continuing in PLan A.
Thoughts, Readings? Quotes? Books? Ideas? Stories?
Please help me.
BlessinHurtingturkey
ME: BS age 56 male
?WW: age 49
Ours: age 11
Hers: ages 22 & 17
Mine: ages 22, 27 & 30
Original DD: April 26, 2009
2nd DD: February 1, 2010
Exposed: 2/19/10
Deep in Plan A and losing my sanity
Looking for the Strength to initiate Plan B

If you feel that love from her slipping away I suggest you do go into plan B, write out your letter, give it to her, and have her move out. Simple as that

HT, I am going to say this again. You need to call up Steve Harley and have him persuade your wife to get on board here. You are too nervous about being honest with her, so you need him to guide you through this.

Will you please call him?

I don't believe you should go to Plan B until your wife has been offered a plan and been given every opportunity to decline it.

I have attempted with no success to get my WW to agree to marraige counseling. After more weeks of being ignored, I remain all torn up. I wanted to wait until my WW finished her current school semester but it all became too much yesterday. I gently and calmly told her I needed to leave.
Even when I played the tape recording of her speaking about the man she went to I received denial. She even suggested it was someone else imitating her voice. My heart sank.
I gently told her it was time for me to leave.
At this point I am so torn up by the lies that I have to save my sanity. Maybe I don't love enough to over look it or get past it. I have let her know that I do not wish to talk - that the bills will be paid etc. I have been ignored and turned into a piece of furniture. As much as I haven't wanted to believe it, I do receive zero respect, zero communication, dishonesty, zero affection, zero romance and table scraps of caring....
It hurts to admit it.
I will probably send one text saying that if she wants to speak with me - a conference call with Steve is the only way.
At this point I don't care about the house, money or anything else. I know all about the posts "Men don't leave your house" but my sanity was all but gone. I am a dope, I have allowed myself to be used and I have lost all but perhaps a tiny speck of hope. I hope I am doing the right thing by trying to maintain my sanity. It was hard to refuse to answer phone calls this morning. Again, did I do the right thing. I just sensed I was going to be beaten up or manipulated with the L word. I want to cry but cannot cry.
I can only believe that if she loved me she would find the courage to tell me the truth and work with me. How do you forgive when someone won't tell the truth?
So I have just kept beating on myself for my past of angry outbursts.
This is so sad. Its more sad than hard. I am sorry I ever loved.
Blessings All
BlessinHurtingturkey
ME: BS age 56 male
?WW: age 49
Ours: age 11
Hers: ages 22 & 17
Mine: ages 22, 27 & 30
Original DD: April 26, 2009
2nd DD: February 1, 2010
Exposed: 2/19/10
Deep in Plan A and losing my sanity
Looking for the Strength to initiate Plan B

I'm so sorry to hear that it came to this, ht. However, Plan B is the right and only sensible step to take when an affair is ongoing.

Where did you move to? Have you set up the arrangements so that you will not have to break your Plan B?

HT, I agree that Plan B is in order. However, I would also contact an attorney and file for separation or divorce so you are not legally harmed for leaving your home. Will you please do that?

I am sorry you are in such pain and wish you would get some professional help.

I have heard too many stories where the spouse that moves out gets hosed in court on every level.

You want to D then D.

You want to plan B then B.

You want to do both then both.

But do not proceed to move out of the house until you have spoken with a lawyer.

He has already moved out and I agree it was the right thing under the circumstances. He now needs to see an attorney and get some legal protection.

I think it's different when the kids are grown. By all means, move out. Don't take the abuse.

HTLDs they have an 11 year old together. The rest are older. At least that's how I read the siggy.

Get legal advice.

Thank you for the responses.
Yes we have an eleven year old. Currently I am in an extended stay hotel. I have pre-paid all bills and made certain that this is documented and that my WW has that information. I met my eleven year old after school yesterday and worked on homework with him at school. He for the moment has been told I have an out of area work assignment. Legally I have already made the decision to hand over my 401K to my WW - there is just enough to pay the taxes on early distribution and the withdrawl and pay off the house mortgage. I have already prepared myself to hand over the house (its for my son after all anyway). I only want my clothes and some personal photos. If I have to stay in Plan B then within a few weeks I will find a studio apartment for myself. It is hard to stay away and I already have a dozen nasty messages on text but I made it clear that I will not talk and I sent one text back making that clear. Its talk through Steve H or nothing. Its hard, WW is having school troubles (what else is knew? and I have great compassion for that). Illinois is pretty straight forward. 20% of my net for child support, automatic visitation every other week and alternating holidays swapped every year and 30% of my net as alimony till she remarries or cohabitates. With me giving her all the property its pretty simple - I know what forms to file if it comes to that. I can't get screwed in court any more than that as long as I pay the bills now and I am two months ahead on that and she has the proof of that. I have to keep the backbone to do this now. I am getting all sorts of texts about how this is controlling behavior and threatening. Yes I have a history of being controlling and yelling. I have not been that way for 8 months now and yet the lies about the A have continued. It was sort of the last straw to play her the tape recording where she talks about going to the other man and to have her tell me that it is someone else's voice....
Its just a waiting game now. My therapist kept asking me "Is this how you want to live?" The reference to the lies etc. I have made it clear in a gentle manner that I cannot feel safe and forgive and rebuild when she will not own up to her part of this equation. I am worried about her. She does not appear very stable right now and I have tried to make it clear to her that I am not punishing her. I am just trying to keep myself sane. I pray each day that this will work out but I feel the hope dying along with my love and that second item is the greatest tragedy I have ever known.
Blessings
BlessinHurtingturkey
ME: BS age 56 male
?WW: age 49
Ours: age 11
Hers: ages 22 & 17
Mine: ages 22, 27 & 30
Original DD: April 26, 2009
2nd DD: February 1, 2010
Exposed: 2/19/10
Nearly lost sanity after nearly a year in Plan A
Looking for the Strength to continue Plan B

HT,

You�re making a classic mistake and are assuming a lot about the legal system. Guess what? Fathers can get custody as well.

Your son�s age puts him in a position where he can decide about custody.

So what you�re doing right now is giving in. You�re funding her adultery by living out of your house, giving her the funds to pay the bills, and being apart from your son.

What you should be doing is living in your own home and building the case about why SHE needs to get her cheating a$$ out of the house. You�re doing EXACTLY what I did.

I gave everything to my ex with the mistaken assumption that I would get it all back once she came to her senses.

Your son could care less about the house. What he wants is an intact family and the last thing he wants is to deal with an OM. By doing what you�re doing, you�re leaving the door open for OM to move in to your home and replace you.

Wake the F up! This isn�t Plan B. It�s Plan Doormat.

You�re screwing yourself legally. You can win custody and can force HER to pay you alimony.

That requires that you fight legally and not roll over, which is exactly what you�re doing.

Time to hit her with the legal 2x4�s and force her to defend her adultery in court. Get a lawyer, get a child advocate who will represent your son, and force HER to move out.

You�re making this way too easy for her.

Wait??

You are paying for everything?

She keeps the house?

And her son??

And you honestly think she will want you back?

I am sorry to burst your bubble but she has everything so why take you back? She has the house, the $$, her son, her boyfriend??

You are doing plan B WAY WRONG, plan B is for her to realize how hard it will be if you divorce, if you give her EVERYTHING she will sign those D papers so fast you wouldn't even catch it.

Good luck man your just digging your hole.

Sorry to be harsh but it is very hard to read your post knowing you are making a huge mistake.

Your not in plan B or Plan doormat you are in plan "I don't care anymore take everything you have from me my manly hood, my money, and my kid."

I followed your plan. I never recovered my marriage. In hindsight I'm glad I didn't.

What I wish I had done was fight harder legally. I wish I had fought for a minimum 50/50 custody and minimal financial help for her.

Instead I did as you are doing and was broke for years. Still am.

I understand the heartfelt concern over finances but I don't care. One size fits all doesn't work for me. Sure I could keep her in a sham of marrmarrige by finances. What if that is the worst thing I can imagine? It is to me. I don't see marriage as an economic union.
Hurting Turkey

No one is saying you're supposed to look at marriage as an economic union. What we're saying is that you need to protect yourself. You are not doing that. You have left yourself financially exposed to your WW's whims. That could financially ruin you.

Regardless of how you feel right now you need to financially protect yourself. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your son. If this continues, you could find yourself with no money, living in some flea-bag apartment barely making ends meet, because your WW got everything you had. Do you really want your son to see you like that?

I guess I have been trying to by-pass talking about this because it sounds "haughty."
I can afford to live a moderate middle class life style even on 50% of my income.
In my case I feel that my WW could feel imprisoned in our marriage because I have economic earning power that she doesn't. To try and leverage her to rebuild the marriage on a foundation of honesty and trust won't work if she feels leveraged due to economics would simply breed more of what I have today. I don't want her to feel she is a prisoner and I don't want to feel like a slave owner. Essentially, I as a person, separate and apart from my earning power am either worth it or I am not. I know my earning power makes me a fractional percentage of the people who need exactly the advice that has been given to me. I also do not respect, admire or need "nice things." I drive a six year old economy car with a clutch, no CD player etc. and if I wash it more than five times a year that would be a lot. I grew up with Country Club, Sailboat, etc. Those things are not important to me. For me, being loved is my need.
That is where I am. I have more courtroom experience than many attorneys do by nature of what I do for an occupation. I have been through a previous divorce and learned all the ropes. So my reason for posting where I am is that I went to Plan B. WW either recognizes herself in the mirror or not. I could not stand living in a shell of a marriage where all I did was bring home a paycheck.
I posted because Plan B is difficult and there are dozens of reasons to abandon it. I am hurting only since I left I am hurting slightly less and for different reasons now.
Blessings
BlessinHurtingturkey
ME: BS age 56 male
?WW: age 49
Ours: age 11
Hers: ages 22 & 17
Mine: ages 22, 27 & 30
Original DD: April 26, 2009
2nd DD: February 1, 2010
Exposed: 2/19/10
Nearly lost sanity after nearly a year in Plan A
Looking for the Strength to continue Plan B

HT,

We�re all one economic disaster away from being broke.

You�re right as far as doing Plan B so she can figure out on her own if you�re worth it or not. The only thing I offer for you to chew on is that I had a six figure salary and was barely scraping by because my child support was so high.

So don�t assume you�ll be paying out 50% of your income. It may very well be more.

Having that economic security gives you more reason to be stingy with it in dealing with her. My WXW felt no consequence on a financial level because I set it up so that she wound up with about 60% of my pay each month. She continued to live her entitled lifestyle.

Why fund the entitlement? I understand where you�re coming from as a big picture, but you should, out of pride alone, be willing to cut off all financial support that you don�t have to provide by law. Let her feel the consequence of her actions at all levels.

Funding her only makes the infidelity easier.