Anita,

I know it sucks, but you have to tell OMW. It is the right thing to do.

You see, he�s been playing you. He only wants one thing. If he really wanted to leave his wife, then he would have done so already. What he wants is to keep his family and his kids while getting some action on the side.

You have fulfilled that for him so far and he just. Can�t. Close. The. Deal!

He�s so close he can�t stand it.

Yes, you got really close to crossing the line, but I want to commend you for not doing so. The people here have been hitting you with 2x4s, but we all still commend you for not taking that step. It�s the final step that you MUST take that we are encouraging you to do.

As time passes you will see that OM is really a scumbag.

I would also let the HR department know that he�s been hitting on you, that you flirted back a bit at first, but his advances are no longer welcome. If it continues it will lead to a sexual harassment suit.

THAT will put a quick stop to his continuing contact with you.

I don�t agree that YOU are the one that needs to change jobs. HE is the one that should do so if at all.

And we faithful men are out there. I don�t hang out at bars, BTW. And I�m now taken and happily married. I�d like to suggest e website that makes you take tests to match you up. That�s how I met my wife.

Finally, if he does it with you, he�ll do it to you.

Here you go, Vibrissa - will these do in a pinch? Not a bad go-with, dontcha think? Scoot over and I'll wait on Anita with you.

Mmmm thankee MB. I love thin-mints and DH hates mint so I always get them all to myself, we're mutually enthusiastic about this arrangement .

Anita,

THIS is an excellent solution to this problem. It also happens to be the truth.

I hope your silent b/c you're talking to OMW.

Oh, good! It's a POJA!

Thank you for the clarification, (though the point still stands that you know what's right and what's wrong here).

You were quick to correct the wrong against you in my making assumptions about your screen name.

Now, if only you were so quick to correct the much more egregious wrong of withholding this information about infidelity from OM's BW...

Anita I just want you to know this...

A poster wrote this today...

Right at this moment I am not even capable of a cohesive thought.

I guess one of the things that is paralyzing me right now is just how far back the cheating goes. It makes a mockery of a big part of my life.

I am just not sure what is real and what is not anymore.

The enormity of this is becoming overwhelming.

This is even worse than D DAY, and I thought it could not get any worse.

I feel like running to the lawyer's office and just say file the papers, because I am thinking that step is the first to taking back control over my life and me.

If you do not take any action of telling his wife, then this is what her life will be like. 10 years down the road finding out that her husband had multiple affairs, sleeping with all sorts of woman. You may think you are saving a marriage by not letting her now, but you are COMPLETELY WRONG!!

By not saying anything you are giving this woman a life full of LIES!

SapphireReturns, can you add a link to that post/thread?

Link

(working on my linking skills)

TY VIB

Can I do the righ thing AND think of myself and my reputation at the same time???
I am a victim MYSELF. I am a victim of his manipulation, mind games and seducing techniques. I am voulnerable, too. I ama victim of my own guilt, if you wish.
I rejected,refused and dismissed his offers to come and pick me up & to come back to my room after a night out...I repeatedly told him what he tried to do is wrong for him, unfair to his wife and children and that he needed to seek help.

Once, over a weekend when his wife was at her parents' place, he texted me:
''I am with my sis, her husband, my mom and the kids, you are missing ''
I got so angry with him & for the courage to write such a manipulative thing as to making me believe I belonged, that I replied:

'' How dare you say that. It's your wife who is missing, not me! Don't make me call her and tell her this, please!''

YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM, YOU ARE A WILLING PARTICIPANT WHO IS HELPING TO DESTROY A M....

I cannot understand for the life of me how the OW feels she was betrayed and was a victim. My FWH tried to play the victim role with me by saying the XOW begged him to sleep with her. I saw the text msgs but as I told him your "NO" needs to be NO! How many of us haven't been asked to drop our morals, but those of us who know right from wrong and aren't willing to compromise our values are not constantly approached by predators who have no respect for M.

You had an EA with this MM, therefore you have already betrayed the BS and violated a M. It kept coming after you because you were playing footsies with him and he knew that you weren't a woman who has integrity and one who would compromise her self-worth for some MM who is going home to his W. It should have been an insult from the very first inappropriate act he displayed to you and you should have put him in his place and let him know that you are not going to be his wh*re.

Now that you haven't done that, you have a responsibility to expose what you and him did to his BS. You were just as guilty as MM in helping to stomp on the vows that she took seriously. You enabled her H to make a mockery out of their M. You aren't telling the BS because you are ashamed because you know that what you did was wrong. You can gain back some honor by telling her the truth. Maybe doing the right thing will cause good things to come to you and maybe one day you will meet a man who is available.

This MM is feeding you garbage and you were lapping it up like a teenager. Have some dignity and put an end to this madness permanently by exposing what you did with her H. It's not her fault that you are 33, have never been M and now you are trying to steal another woman's H. Maybe the reason you have never been M is that your self esteem is too low to attract a decent guy, therefore this MM was safe (IDK). The fact that you engaged in an EA with this guy tells that you don't love yourself enough to not be disrespected by a man.

As far as saving your reputation goes, your reputation may look good to those who don't know you were sneaking around with a MM, but you are acting like trash by doing that, therefore your reputation is a farse.

This isn't a "childish mess".

You have crossed CLEAR lines, and it's too late to say, Oops, I was manipulated into this and try to jump back over to the other side. You ARE the "Other Woman" in this scenario which is a full blown emotional affair.

You ignored all the signals that you surely got along the way that you were going down the wrong path because the attention you were getting made you feel good. You were getting some emotional needs met and you were meeting some in order to keep the cycle going.

You will continue to want OM's attentions and it will continue to make you feel good. This is pretty evident in your posts that give us unnecessary details of his messages to you.

Obviously, there was a small part of you that was listening to that voice telling you this is the wrong path or you wouldn't be here. I hope I can appeal to that part of you because if you don't make some major changes you are going to end up in a full blown PA.

Unfortunately, us telling you what a slimebucket OM is to do this to his wife IS NOT enough to give you the willpower to stop this on your own, which you have indicated several times that you feel is the solution.

The addictive nature of affairs is TOO POWERFUL which Dr. Harley has written about. Most of us have seen this IRL and/or on the boards time & again.

ALL OF US here know how this is going to end if you don't warn your victim, the BW, the train wreck her life is heading for. The advice you have gotten from everyone, including former wayward spouses, is pretty clear.

Are you ready to stop this and do the right thing?? Or are you going to keep ignoring the warnings??

Hmmm

Does anyone find it interesting that Anita has not posted today?

What do you want to bet that she is not going to take the advice that was given?

What would you say if I suggested that she was already far gone in her relationship with OM?
Just a thought, it may very well be that I am feeling particularly bitter today.

Fabulous skills, m'dear. Thanks!

I need to clarify something that I posted in my very first post. I wrote:

I have been knowing a colleague for over e yera now and never thought of him as someone I could like,bceause married men are ''off limits'' according to me...I've grown to know him oevr this last year (e-mails, visits to office, text msg)and I kind of like him, but never thought about acting on that..

The first text msgs he had sent me on my phone were about a year ago when I was off sick and staying home for 5 days. He was visiting my office at the time and had learnt I was home sick. The msgs then did not cause me to doubt his intentions because they were of friendly nature and jusk asking if there was something he could do to help, or something I needed buying.

I think that�s why I kind of liked him, because I thought he is such a considerate person to offer that�I did not know that he was only meeting my EN, I didn�t even assume. I wish I had known what a horrible cheating sc**bag he was back then�

After that, the e-mails we exchanged over the last year were once a month approximately & were not beyond jokes/normal conversations. Maybe a total of 15 e-mails max in the whole year. But they did the trick, apparently�.
The open hitting started about a month ago, as I said�That�s when he expressed he would like to take things further�.you know the rest.

Hi all,

Even thought I did not post anything, I�ve been reading all the comments.

I guess you�ll say I am me me me, but I feel the need to tell you this�

The reason why I have not been able to write is because yesterday was the most difficult day for me. I could not work properly at work becaue I was swamped with guilt and I could not get your comments out of my head. The fact that I was in PMS did not help. I took a day off to be able to help me cope with the stress. I got back home and I could not stop crying. I am awake now after 12 hours of sleep & still not feeling any better.

Yesterday, I took his wife�s details, home nuber and address from a file at work. I stole them when nobody was watching. I hope they are up-to-date and that nobody will find out I stole personal information & abused my official duty by doing so. It made me feel I have done yet another wrong thing.

I exposed all the information to my closest friends and family members about this. I told them I stopped replying to his messages alltogether since Friday.They all told me I was wrong to even do it in the first place, but they said it�s good that I stoped. They told me I should not, by any means, call his wife and cause even more trouble by messing up their marriage. They said that it is in my best interest not to.

Of course, I know what the right thing to do is, but I did not attempt to convince them. I didn�t have the energy for that because I know they are only thinking of my well-being, not that of the wife.

Their support did not make me feel any better or any less guilty.

However, one of their reasons not to call her scared me to death:

I did mention to you once I live in the Balkans.
I guess this is a US forum and you presume same Laws and Regulations apply here. Unfortunately they don�t.

The married man is a muslim Albanian from Kosovo and I am an orthodox from the neighbouring country of Macedonia. I don�t know how much of history you have on the recent events of the break up of Yugoslavia, but here isa link of their Law of Lek Dukagjin explaining why a ��blood revenge�� occurs.
The conflict between Kosovo & Serbia also left the region with a lot of arms and almost every household in Kosovo holds a gun. Guns are widely used for celebrations during weddings,where shots are fired in the air.
Please google any of the information and you will see I am not just making things up. The following link is just one of the many

http://www.gendercide.org/case_honour.html

I am truly scared for my well-being. I don�t know how the wife or her brothers/fathers/male cousins will react. The nightmare I am in right now makes me want to just call & wish that they DO come after me and beat me up or even kill me. I am torturing myself to THAT extent that I�d rather die!!!
But my gut feeling is telling me that I might not have committed such a big sin as to deserve to die. Or have I� I am losing my mind over this. Am I going crazy�

Maybe I am ovverreacting, but how do I know that she won�t go crazy and do something extreme when I give her this information? How do I know what her state of mind is like?

I don�t expect you to support me or help me how to protect myself.
I know that this forum is not �how to help adulterers with feelings of guilt & fear of consequences�

I know that you are looking things trhough the wife�s perspective and that you want what�s best for her & what is RIGHT VS. WRONG thing to do.

I know it�s not your job to pat me on the back and say: ��Oh well, you poor adultress, we would like to save your life first and then think about the unsuspecting wife��

I know I was wrong and I know I will be wrong if I conceal this vital information about her life.
I just can�t bring myself to do the right thing without fear of looking behind my back all the time being scared if the wife�s family comes after me. In their book, it�s even worse that I am orthodox. �
I have my own life to save,too & I have vital information that could help me save it�
I am becoming paranoid now�But that�s my problem.

You must think I am making up excuses & trying to avoid feeling the consequences that I deserve to feel.

I know that to you I am skunk, whore, spade, mistress, someone who crossed the boundaries, someone with no self-repect, no honour or integrity etc etc�

Trust me, the e-mails and texts he sent me after I spoke to you guys made me feel exactly like that�
And I don�t have an emotional need to feel like that!
I know you�ll say that me not blocking his e-mail is just enjoying the messages, but it�s not. Every
one that he�s sent after I spoke to you, is like a knife being stabbed at me. It�s like a spit in the face, like some of you said. It�s making me feel sick to the stomack & angry I allowed to be that OW in the first place. It disturbs me to the point I am not able to fogrive myself and concentrate properly on anything else.

One more thing that is worrying me. Not all laws work like in the UK& USA.Mentioning a harassment lawsuit sounded rediculous to my family. The system is designed that way that if will always protect the men, not the women. If he only keeps inasmuch as one flirty e-mail from me, they will say I asked for it and tried to break up their marriage.

As I said, I am not going to ask for your ��forgiveness�� about telling/not telling the wife& HR

You have made it clear to me as to who the victim is.And I agree. You have also sobered me up to see what a filth the married man is. I understand that I participated & I am not a victim.

I AM ENDLESSLY GRATEFUL FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND HELP IN DOING THIS�

You�ve done a great job of waking me up & finding the strength to go back to my old self who knew right from wrong, but got lost in her need not to feel lonely and did this terrible thing. I am now stuck at this point and I need some peace�.

That is why I am explaining myself to you. I feel I owe it to you. I didn�t just want to disappear without giving you this information.

I will go and block his number on my phone because I just received a text while I was writing this. At least I can do that without any problem. As for the daily e-mails at work, I still get them, but I don�t reply, nor I intend to.

I might even talk to my Line Manager so that she can give him a call and warn him to stop e-mailing me at work because it disturbs my peace and concentration. I think she�ll understand me and be discreet about it.

After that, I have an appointment with a pshychiatrist today. My sister and I need to discuss some issues about my mother and how to help her cope with her divorce. I will use that opportunity to ask him about what he thinks about my fears. I might be overreacting out of shame, but I need to clear my head up.
I don�t want to go and do something with good intentions that could endanger people�s lives. I�ve done enough bad.

I don�t expect you to trust me because you say �Actions speak louder than words� and that I am just jystifying my actions� but that�s all I have at the moment�

I have still not given up on telling the wife. I just can�t be pressed and pushed! I need to think straight & I hope you�ll find it in your hearts to respect that. I need to do things in my own time.

I won�t blame you if you don�t.

I might not be posting for a while. I might post immediately. I might not post ever.

One thing I know.The nightmare of the EA is so over and I regret it deeply.

THANK YOU AGAIN

p.s.

Teaser, I read your story & I am sorry this happened to you. I just feel the need to tell you that a physical thing did not occur between me and the married men. Nothing more than a peck on the cheek for good bye, like I did with all the other colleagues, both feemale and male. He DID hold my hand a little longer than appropriate and started giving me compliments, but I rushed out of the car saying what he was doing was wrong. I left his town the next day. That�s when the messaging began. You know the rest from this thread.

None of what you wrote will convince anyone here, Anita. But you need to think about why you feel it so important to get validation from an anonymous message board populated mostly by people on another continent. Easy to see why you would fall for OM in the first place.

Anita,

Calm down. No one is going to take revenge on you. You haven't done enough to be revenge-worthy. You just let OMW wife know that while you didn't realize it at the time, you probably had an inappropriate friendship with OM and then he asked you to take it physical. That is when you decided to end the relationship and contact her. You are doing so because you would want to know if your husband was trying to fool around on you. Then you send a NC email to OM (I would do email because then it is documented for your company), telling him it was inappropriate to proposition you and any further contact and you will report him for harassment. He won't contact you after that, and if he does, you now have documentation to give to your company.

Anita, I know you feel awful about this, but once you tell OMW and get this burden off your chest, you will start feeling a lot better, I promise.

I�m going to disagree with everyone here and may catch flack for it. If you were dealing with Americans, I�d say you should expose. Given the history, location, religions, and tensions involved, I say walk away, shut off all contact, and never communicate with him again.

Given the �honor killings� that are often executed against girls for even just talking to a boy, I wouldn�t mess with this.

We�re not talking about a group that has the same mores we do. Adulterers are stoned to death, shot, etc. It�s also often not the men who pay the price. Somehow this will be turned around and she will be made out to be the evil seductress and temptress that must be eliminated.

Inform this man that you find his behavior reprehensible and that you will never communicate with him again. Then cutoff all your contact and means of contact to him.

I completely support what we advocate in MB for Americans or culturally similar ethnicities. In this case, I err on the side of safety.

I commend you for stopping this before it got worse and for acting on your conscience. Now walk away, learn, and live in peace and make with yourself, your God, and your family.

Considering this is a part of the world where killing is common over simply being the wrong ethnic group, I say don�t mess with it.

Feel free to disagree with me if you wish, but I strongly believe that many military members that have been to this part of the world or know anything about it would advise the same.

Life is cheap there.

I know the situation and I live in a country not too far from either Albania or Macedonia.
I would advice against following the traditional MB steps in this situation just as helpthelostd has suggested.
We have to consider different cultures here before we give suggestions. In some situations exposing etc...might be too risky.
Blessing