Teaser,

I think some people just don't want to deal with this, it's just so much easier to sweep it all under the rug, don't let this bother you one bit. Let him build all this resentment till he finds another wife that he wont trust because of his previous wife did to him.

You are doing exactly what you should be doing, focus on you and only you.

Hey Sapphire

I agree with you with the sweeping it under the rug. I guess I was just curious that it seems to me like, more often than not, it is the OW's H and not OM's W that wants to sever ties with the betrayed spouse.
I know that in my case I think that OWH is not pleased with me because I exposed some pictures she took in my kitchen to the ver people I expoxed the A to. He told me that exposing the pictures only serves to bring shame on he and I. WTF? I told him I absolutely feel no shame for the crap that wh and his W did. They own that all by themselves. I want people to know that depths that they both sunk to!!!!

Good for you for standing your ground on what the OWH said about shame on you and him. You are 100% correct, you should not feel shame on what they have done! It is all them!

teaser,

First, I want to reinforce to you that you have EVERY RIGHT to divorce your husband for what he has done to you. Let no one tell you anything different! Your WH has also done little to help with recovery for six months, and the truth is that he doesn't appear to understand that the truth might have helped.

Long term affairs, and serial cheating does not bode well for recovery - then, on top of that, you have a WH who has chosen to avoid truth-telling or recovery efforts in an honest and forthright way. You did not make your decision in haste. And it is YOUR DECISION to make.

I want to say some things to you, and the reality is that these things are fact whether you choose divorce or recovery of the marriage.

1. The affairs your husband had are not, and never were, about YOU. The sooner you understand this, the sooner you will regain your footing. The affairs were about your HUSBAND. They were not about the OW, either. Just about your husband - he is a man who has issues regarding his ability to have an open and honest relationship with one woman, he cannot communicate his needs and desires in an adult manner, he cannot protect the boundaries of his marital relationship, he gives into base desires that he knows are outside the bounds of simple morals and general societal expectations, and he is comfortable with blameshifting to attempt to justify his bad decisions and behavior. None of these things are about YOU, or the OTHER WOMEN. Not one of these things.

2. You do not acquire your self-esteem from any outside source.

This means that although your self-esteem has taken a blow from the discovery of the affair, your self-evaluation process should focus on YOU, and not on how your husband's treatment of you makes you "feel". This is an important distinction! Your husband treated you badly - but this does not mean that YOU DESERVED IT, nor does it mean that YOU are a bad person. It means only that someone treated you badly, and as a result you FEEL pain. Try to keep these separated, because it is easy to confuse your sense of self-esteem with your sense of pain and devastation over the loss of the marriage and the deception you have been delivered. YOU did not perpetrate the crime - your dignity and character is INTACT.

3. The time that you spent being lied to is not time wasted, or being anything "less than" in life. Your efforts during the marriage remain POSITIVE - to your child, and actually toward the relationship itself. You made legitimate contributions throughout the marriage, your efforts were positive, and they do and DID matter. Your husband's bad behavior, his lies, and his affairs do NOT negate what you did. Your husband's behavior taints ONLY his own stuff - never yours. YOU LIVED A REAL LIFE, OF TRUTH. His lies don't erase your truth. That's the good thing about truth - it exists on its own, it stands as a free entity. Your husband can say whatever he wants - but the truth stands there for all to see. You were a good wife and mother. His lies can never change that.

4. There is a future for you. Just as any event in our lives that shakes us, discovery of an affair causes an earthquake of change. From this, we learned the ugly side of our marriage, and we were forced into making decisions, evaluations of ourselves and our lives, an in-depth review of our marriage, and we had to make changes in ourselves that we might not have wanted to make or even face.

All of this - yet - there is a future. We take the learning, the pain, and the hope for whatever tomorrow brings with us.

5. You do not have to forgive anything. Some day, when you think about it, you might be ready. You will know, for yourself, when that time comes. Trust me, you will know if and when it is right - FOR YOU.

6. In all of this, the timeline for recovery seems to follow a fairly predictable pattern. Whether you stay in the marriage or divorce, it seems to follow along. Stay here, read, and post with us. You need the help, and the friends you gain along the way will get you through. That way, even when you think you aren't "normal", you will know YOU ARE.



Finally, I'm sorry that you had to be here at all. But I'm also glad that you came, because you worked through what you had to figure out, for yourself. You will find peace in your decision, because it will not be hasty, and you will have information to make it with.


Hang in there.

Schoolbus