BTW: couldn't get the phone last night. Once my head hit the pillow and lights were out I was dead to the world all night.

It took everything I had last night to not say something to H about everything I now know! I was very distant.

The weird thing? Now H is trying to be all nice to me...affectionate, etc... Even just got a text from him telling me to have a nice day. Is he actually trying or is he just trying to appease me so he can stay in cake-eating status?!

I responded minimally. I don't know whether to try and reach out and meet his needs at the moment or what. I'm so angry - and I think right now is the time for the stick and not the carrot.

When you snag his phone, make sure you get the names and numbers of his contacts. My FWH put the OW's name in his contact list under a made up company name so it would look like a business contact.

Thanks, MB. I guess I could look for the area code.

The question is, when will I get an opportunity to snag that phone again! grrr.

Hmmm... I do know the name of her employer...I think. I could always try getting a work #. Not that I would prefer to call at work, but it's a thought.

SO: no one thinks I should just send her a message via Facebook?

I have exhausted all efforts to find her H/ex-H on facebook. He probably does not have a page. Any "Does" I found that I could look at their friends did not have anyone listed by the name I found for him on pipl.

They always sense something is up. It is uncanny! Good job on not saying anything. I would not be distant though. You may have to go to Plan B and if you do, you want to leave him with a good taste in his mouth.

Just keep working on getting the goods!!

I got another text from him a bit ago saying he's written a poem about "us" and do I want to get it from him in person or by email. What the heck?!!!

I said email, I guess. ????

I don't want to be taken all surprise in person and react emotionally. I want to be able to respond with reason. In other words, I want to make sure he knows a poem does not mean he gets out of no contact/transparency - real work on the R. I don't want this to be another means to cake eating!

Finally got the poem. It was basically saying all the things he said the other night and has been saying for quite awhile: things went bad in our marriage. It has been a dud for awhile. Can we try again or is it too late and just time to move on....

Yeah - OK. Whatever. Didn't do me any good. I don't even know how to respond to that.

Update: I told my 2 oldest kids but not youngest yet. The 2 oldest ones say H just needs to go! They don't feel he will "learn his lesson" until he has to do without me/us...

NO luck on any further intel gathering. My only link at this point is to get her work # (I know the name of the company) or message her on facebook. Have had no luck anywhere else. I don't think this situation can sit on ice too much longer. After the poem and ensuing discussion, I felt it might come to a head tonight because H is broaching the subject. If push came to shove, I wanted the kids to be prepared. Now - with them knowing - I cannot wait too much longer on "evidence" to confront him. I keep asking myself - how much more is really needed to know anyway? I'm not going to get proof of PA.

???

Thoughts?

I would sit him down and let him know you know all about his affair with "OW" [say her name and company so he knows you know - tell him you "also know you saw her when you traveled to her town on XX-##-2010 - DON'T ASK, TELL HIM].

Tell him that you are willing to stay with him if he ends his affair, sending the OW a no contact letter, tells you the full truth about his adultery and commits to a program of recovery [which includes full transparency, etc].

Those are the ONLY conditions under which you are willing to stay with him. If he will not agree to those conditions, ask him to make arrangements to move out.

We will help you with next steps.

Tomorrow morning early, I would contact the OW and tell her you know all about the affair and that she has to leave your H alone. Tell her there is no future with your H because she will be eternally hated by your children and in-laws.

she may not know he is married. If she knows he is married, then begin exposing the affair on facebook to her facebook friends. Send the emails out 1 min apart or facebook will shut you down for flooding.

Did you copy all her facebook contacts?

Is she a business colleage of your husbands? Lets discuss exposing her at her HR dept, if so.

Facebook exposure letters

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

Thanks, Melody!

I did copy all her friends to a word doc. Most of them are set to private but of course, I can still message them.

The common friends she has that H has are people from high school. SO...not a business colleage unfortunately.

I will go ahead and send her a PM on facebook. My 19 year old daughter wanted to message her! I think that's a bit much to ask.

SO...do I message OW BEFORE I talk to H about knowing, full transparency, etc... ???

And do I expose the facebook friends, etc... only if H is unwilling to cut her off/work on marriage or do it even if he is willing to do all of that?

Expose anyway, that will kill the affair and lift his fog.

I wish I knew some of these people. Since they don't know me at all there's no telling what they think of me - depending on what H or OW has told them. I'm sure H has fed OW with a ton of lies if she even knows about me.

I did massive exposure on the message board where my H met the OW. I did not know 99% of the folks and I'm sure some of them thought I was crazy.

It still killed the A that day. Nuclear exposure is the way to go.

Thanks, MarriedF! Good to know!

I'm still not sure of the procession of things. I have not confronted H yet with my further knowledge of OW. (Was waiting on additional proof but none yet.) I need to:

A. Message OW on Facebook to let her know he is married - regardless of whatever he has said or lies he has told. See if I can get further info from her.

B. Confront H.

C. Expose on Facebook and to H's mom/sister - I think. (Thinking over this one. They might support him rather than the marriage, quite frankly, since they are not vested in me or the kids at all. H's mom has only seen our older 2 once when they were little - never even met 14 year old! Not even birthday cards...)

Do I do all this at once??? Do I contact OW first, before confronting H? I don't want to screw this up so wanting a step by step I guess.

I haven't read your whole thread, can you give me a re-cap on what proof you do have and what (if anything) he has admitted to thus far?

Well, I don't have a lot of concrete proof but enough circumstantial to make evidence I guess you would say.

Back in June H sent me a text message that was supposed to have gone to OW. It was sexual in nature. I confronted him at that time and of course, he had to admit it. His justification was that "he was leaving anyway..." This was on a Sunday. We'd had a big fight 2 nights previous over his facebook activities and he had slept in our home office both Fri. and Sat. night.

As for the facebook activities - nothing incriminating. Just messages I discovered him writing to other women that were not appropriate for a married man. I consider this "prowling".

H shut down his facebook after the text discovery. Supposedly stopped contact with OW. I wish I had demanded full transparency right then and there! Now I know better. Because H started making progress in his attitude around the house, I thought he was genuinely trying in the marriage and not involved. (Naive, I know.)

This past Sat. night I snuck H's Blackberry in the middle of the night. Discovered texts and emails to OW. I didn't know it was the same OW as the sex-text from June. When I confronted H, he claimed it was not. Now I know better. I discovered it IS. SHe is in another state but he has been there twice "on business". He claims it is not "a relationship". Yeah, whatever. He knows it is inappropriate, however. He "did not want to talk about it. Has nothing to do with us". It wasn't until Monday that I discovered who she was and the full truth of the matter.

Unfortunately... I thought I had forwarded the emails/texts from his phone to myself. For whatever reason, they did not go through. I did it quickly and then deleted my sent messages from his phone. My only thought is I can bluff my way into saying I have those emails/texts and he won't know I don't.

Sunny, there is no exact right order to this. You just have to use your judgement and this sounds fine. I wouldn't, however, expose to his family on facebook. Give them a CALL instead. Call them up, tell them about his affair, tell them you are trying your save your marriage and ask them to call him. ASK FOR THEIR ADVICE. Often if you ask for advice, they are more likely to invest in your cause.

Good luck!

Perfect! And don't ask him if he is having an affair, tell him you know he is. You don't need his admission to know the truth.