Mel, would definitely call his mom and sister. I just didn't reward that part correctly.

I did find out that OW is probably married. Well, it is possible that she has been recently divorced...but she was married a year ago. (Looking at dates on facebook photos.) However, all attempts to get any contact info for her H have proved fruitless.

I still haven't done anything yet. I am making an appt with a lawyer and figure I should see him first. I have to say though, it is very hard! I don't know how much longer I can sit on this and keep my mouth shut!

Sunny, you don't have to wait on exposure to see a lawyer. I agree you should see a lawyer but there is no reason to wait. A lawyer's only goal is to faciliate an amicable divorce. He has no idea how to save a marriage.

If I were you, I would start exposing TODAY, starting with your discussion tonight, so your H will be at work tomorrow when everything blows up. He won't be in a position to do damage control.

And if you expose the affair on the OW's facebook, giving your own contact information, I bet someone gets him the message. Be sure and add a line to please have the OW's parents and husband call you directly.

You can't find a phone # for them in the white pages or anywho.com?

No...just that one # that has been disconnected, sadly.

And I agree about the lawyer not being able to save a marriage. I just wondered if I should protect myself financially before doing this.

As for the OW facebook and exposing - her facebook as well as most of her friends are all private. Therefore, my only recourse is to send a private message. (FYI)

(Her H is not on facebook.)

When I give him this ultimatum - to end it/transparency or leave... how long do you suggest I give him to make up his mind?

I wouldn't worry about it at this point. It is no reason to delay exposure but certainly something you do for Plan B. Your H can't just stop supporting you.

I would be generous and give him about 10 minutes. If you give him more, you will just be giving him permission to drag this out.

As far as exposing to the OW's facebook friends, I would plan on doing that REGARDLESS. The only reason you have to NOT do it is if she is truly unaware he is married and she is not married herself. If she is married, you will need to figure out a way to tell her husband.

So...that means messaging her first...letting her know he IS married, not separate, not divorced...his 3 kids think he is working things out... Right???

I would send her something telling her you know all about her affair and wonder if she knows your H is a married man with 3 children. He and I might not have the best marriage but we are very married. Ask her: "how would your husband feel if he knew what you have been doing with my husband?" <---put his name in there.

Sunny, did you see pictures of a husband? Is she married? Can you get his name?

Do I do the above before confronting H with the further info I know or does it matter?

I did not see the pics of her husband, my 19 year old daughter did. She said she is married with 2 kids. The picture was dated about a year ago though, so it's possible something has happened (divorce/separation) within that time. I did get a name from anywho that was connected with hers. I have searched high and low for info on him to no avail. (contact info - work info - anything) He is older than she is. OW is 38. He is 49. From what I can tell he is a non-tech, non-office kind of person. Well, that's my guess, I don't know for sure. So, no facebook - no "linked in" or other business affiliations.

Sunny, maybe you could send her the message this afternoon after your H leaves the office to come home. Then when he gets home he won't know what he is facing.


And she cannot give you the link?


Somehow you are going to have to get ahold of this husband. Keep looking!! If you can get a landline # you could call his house.

I can probably find it for myself....but no, D didn't send me the link. She wasn't in front of her computer when she told me. I can ask her though. Not sure what good a picture of him does for me anyway. ???

I have had NO luck whatsoever in getting his darn contact info. Very frustrating!!! (Have tried everything I know to try.) I will keep trying though.

Then when???? (above...you said then when but not finished.)

That's a good plan though: to msg her when he's gone for the day. She can still email/text him that I've contacted her but he will be with me and have a hard time responding.

If she was able find a picture, you may be able to find much more. You may even need the picture to show your H. I am confused why you didn't get this information, Sunny?


Can your daughter find it?

AH...I see the "then when" now.

I didn't get the info because I didn't know you could still see wall photos when it was set to private. D19 knew that.... she found the old wall photo and found that it was uploaded about a year ago. SO...a divorce or separation could have ensued since then. You have to figure this woman is not happily married, right? (Doesn't mean not still married - but you know what I mean.)

I told D19 to send me the info. She's more tech-savvy than I am and she hasn't found anything on the husband either. I really hate to involve her too much, but she started snooping on her own. Even with being tech-savvy, the one pic is all she has been able to find as well.

There is no reason for you to expose to the other woman. She already knows she's having an affair.

However, if you want to send her a nice, threatening letter about staying away from your man, I don't think that's inappropriate. But send it LAST, not first. Otherwise she'll start spinning a story to all your potential exposure targets about this crazy lady inventing a story about her and another man for no good reason. "He's just a good friend who has been there for me during my marital problems," she'll tell them, "and has helped me so much but there's NOTHING going on." And they'll believe her, because they know her and don't know you.

People believe the story they hear first about 70%-80% of the time, regardless of whether it's true or not. I noticed that, during my exposure, people believed me about the same percentage of the time. So make sure the first story they hear is the truth.

Noooooooooooo. No threats especially in writing. I'm pretty sure I know what you meant DNM, but a newbie may not.

Yeah, by a "nice, threatening letter" I meant something like "Get the ^@#& away from my husband you homewrecking @%#*^. If you ever come near my husband again, I will make your life miserable in ways you haven't even imagined. I love my spouse, we were a happy family until you came along. Go find some other person to prey on; this one is TAKEN."

Pretty close to(opposite genders, of course) what I said to OM on the phone after I discovered him phoning my wife 2 weeks after D-Day. Caught heck from FWW for it. He continued calling my wife.

No problem. I called his wife. Problem solved, recovery started shortly thereafter. Well, plenty of bumps in the road, but the OM was out of my wife's life, and when he stopped responding to her daily emails, within a week she realized he was serious about staying out of contact with her and wrote the NC letter to tell him to stay away.

Sunny, I think Doormat has a good point about waiting to email the OW. Confront your H tonight and then tomorrow morning email her and follow that with your facebook exposure. It may very well turn out that she doesn't know your H is married. HOWEVER, she is apparently married so you are going to need to do a facebook exposure to flush that out.

And Barnboy, some OP's do not even know the WS is married and this may be the case here. In my own situation the MARRIED OW had been told we were "separated." SHE DUMPED HIM THAT DAY! [with my persuasion, of course ]