Well I have been a lurker on here for 3 years and only posted a hand full of times. My story is then same as the rest( ww meet someone at school 14 years younger,the babble ensued she moved in with him 2.5 years ago , she is 46 he is 32 single momas boy) she filed for divorce 30 days ago.I have ran my situation by steve harley a couple of years ago. anyway I get this email from her today... I hope this email finds you well. If you have taken the inclex im sure you have passed you are amazingly smart(I just graduated nursing school) I just wanted to apoligize for the last email I sent you I was haveing a rough time in my life and needed to get through a very rough spot. I really appreciate you giving me time and space I hope things are well for you. My life is so upside down right now my head is spining I guess I just needed to hear from you right now. I need all the freinds I can get. Please let me know how you are doing. I am unsure of a lot of things right now. Please email back if you can..... I wrote back asked if she was healthy and what was wrong. She then wrote back... Thanks for writing back Im so sorry for all the pain I have caused you. I guess this coming back to me now in the pain I am felling but I will get better just needed a freind I guess . Life has a way of kicking you in the butt somtimes and my [censored] is black and blue (literally not figurtivley) Nothing I want to go into right now I just needed someone to help me get through it. I should not have bothered you but thank you. This is going to be my new email address. it can follow me where ever I land ,hopefully on my feet somewhere. I am so scared. trying to get better and I am sure eventually I will. Thanks again.... So my question is do you think I am being fisher for info about the impending divorce?? Is she feeling me out to see how nasty I will get. Or does it sound like she has been fired from her job? OR are things in affair land not going as the fantasy had promissed? OM has cheated on her before ,Steve has told me he dosnt want her its what he can get now.Its been so long that I have came to the conclusion that the fog would never lift.I still belive this for the most part. I would like opinions from the vets please. if your new here you have enough going on and I need the Vets objectivity and expiriance . Thanks all Andyjones

Andy, the info in the email is a little vague, so deciding what her motivation was for contacting you would be entirely speculation. But I'll give it a shot: I suspect that she has hit a low point in her life and is reaching out for comfort. She appears to view you as a source of that comfort.

I think you may be wondering if this could be a turning point in your relationship. It may well be. You may want to consider letting her know that you never want her to feel pain and suffering, but in order to truly give her the comfort she needs, she would need to leave the OM and return to the marriage.

I wouldn't give her the EN (comfort) that she needs under her terms.

Is that your real name at the end? You should remove it if so.

What was your previous posting name? It would help if we could read your previous posts.

I am sorry you are here.
Just to understand better the situation.
What did Steve tell you 2 years ago? Are you in a dark plan B? What was his advice.
Plus, in regards to OM. you said that Steve said

I am not getting what this means.

So, she is asking for a D after 2.5 years of separation. Why did it take her so long to D? Did you fight against it?
blessing

Here is what Steve advised .. Since we never had kids and he is a single guy do a modified plan A . = encourage her to end affair, dont do any LBS. He said to wait because sooner or later "he will screw up". We were married (technicly still are for a couple of months) 28 years. never infidelity on my part at all ,first time for her. I posted on here mabey 3 times all under different names. I showed her the site(mistake) and from time to time she would look at it but didnt buy into any of it, I could write a couple of pages but its the same story as the rest . exposure to her family did nothing, exposure to an orginazation she belonged to did nothing,exposure to freinds ,,zip . she went back and forth for a few months . broke up with him once when she caught him cheating.(fasle recovery) got back with him after she ran off the OW. She has felt a lot of guilt and still does but thats kinda par for the course. My gut tells me its just hovering but after this much time it seems weird .I think she is in a low spot work or affair land. But something steve said kinds comes to mind . he told me that the odds of this ending in 3 years were 100%. well its been about 2 years 10 months from the start and about 2.5 from discovery.At this piont I honestly dont know if I would enough left to put it all back together agian unless I had proof from OM that its over and post neptual from her in writing that next time she walks with the shoes on her feet and nothing more and pays in full for the divorce.. its just been along time and Im finally starting to put my life back together. Steve did say that ower marriage could be better than ever . It wasnt a bad marriage and I even asked her one day to name anyone she ever knew that had a better marriage ,in her most fogged up state she counld not name one. Thanks for the imput I do value it . highly. Anything else is always most welcome .you guys and gals are the best. PS I am not using my real name

Andyboy

Here's the deal, you want to take your WW back then you must send her a plan B letter. Tell her that you do not want to end your marriage though it's too painful to have contact with you while she is still seeing the OM. Her choice to have the OM has caused the marriage to end. Just as it is her choice to end her relationship with the OM now.

Then tell WW that if she needs to contact you for any reason that she is not to do so until NC is in place with the OM.

To stay in contact will only prop up WW and keep her in the PA longer. Sounds as if WW if looking to see if she can keep you dangling as her back up plan/safety net.

Andy,
I am not sure your WW want to come back to the M. Until she says so you should continue plan A as Steve suggested.
She should state in a clear manner that she wants to stop the D because she is not sure she really wants to end the M.
In that case then you have something to work with, right now you do not.
In terms of wanting her back or not....again, when she makes her intentions more clear it will be then easier for you to decide.
you can see if she is repentant, if she really means to R the M with all her heart and if she really gave up the OM.
I agree, now you are putting your life back together and you cannot afford another heartbreak.
If I were you, I would only take her back if she comes back to you hat in hand. It was too long a time for you guys to be separated and too many memories that she formed with OM. All of these things are going to be hard to get over if she is not 100% back into the M game.
blessing

Well I LL be dipped in snit, Steve was right ,just got another email from ww and OM has left her. She is in tremendous pain, She put all she had into the relationship and now he has left her. Her friends,family and therapist have advised her to be alone and be alright with being alone before starting another relationship. says she is very scared because she had never been alone. She hasnt said anything about wanting to see me but this is the third email in 12 hours that she has sent , anyway what do I do now, Thanks all

need a bump

If you become the soft place for her to land it won't bode well for recovery IMHO. However, Steve is the expert so why not give him a call? I think IF she makes noise about reconciling that you need to set the bar very high. After all, she threw away a 28 year good M for a user.

So what would be your conditions for reconcilliation?

Mine would be off the top of my head:

1. Get on board fully with MB. That includes counseling with SH and doing the on-line program.

2. She cannot move back in until all of your conditions are met. That is including a NC letter to OM and an apology to your family and you.

3. STD testing

4. Complete transparency

5. Repentent attitude in both words and actions

I would only agree to date her initially as well. However, from my POV I am not sure I would take my WS back after nearly 3 years.

Hi, I seldom come here anymore.

Sorry you're going through this.
Take it slow. The om left your ww. My guess: realizing she will soon be divorced, he doesn't want to take on that commitment. His game is the hunt and the chase.

The reason the affair has ended is he left. He may come back; he may play games if it looks like she is moving on. Your ww has to hurt and suffer the loss. She has to grieve.


I don't know the best course from here on. Steve has been helpful so go back and counsel with him. Just don't be a pushover

Yep I could see that and I think I will try to call steve but the problem is he is usually really backed up and I would like some advise now. I have not replied to her last email simply because it might do her some good to see what its like ,but I could be wrong, Tell me why It would be hard for recovery to be her soft spot to land? is it because she cant have any feelings right now for me ,Would she blame me somehow, I also wonder if she is now trying to get back with him, I have the feeling he is onto someone closer to his age

She has mentioned you being friends. How could you be friends with someone who has done such horrible things to you?

As others have already posted, she wants you to be there for her, but she wants it to stay friends so she can scope out her other options. She is just checking that you are still hanging around. Did SH really suggest that you Plan A so long? IMVHO, you are way past time to go into Plan B. Have you sincerely been pulling off a spectacular Plan A since you last spoke to SH? What did you do?

It has been said that a BS hanging around(not going into Plan B) can actually lengthen the time that the A lasts, especially when the WS is a cake-eater.

Move slow. Did you tell WW that you wanted NC with her until she went NC with the OM before she told you the OM has dumped her?

Did the OM actually pack his stuff up and leave the love nest? Or are they in the process?

Call the Harley's ASAP, before you committ to any decision. Get coached on the best way to handle this.

Do not over to take her back.
If WW asks to comeback say that you are willingly to do the work (if this is what you want) and you will call the Harley's to set up counseling for him to suggest the steps that will have to be done to get back together. Then if she wants to move in say we haven't been given that step yet.

Just moving back in with out a plan will not work.

Being the soft spot to land keeps her from doing the work to personally recover. As scotland says, she mentions being "friends". My response would be "I am your husband, not your friend. I cannot be "friends" with someone who treated me so badly."

Oh jeesh Um yea I did what steve said to do (read prev posts)Modified plan A.. because we never had children AND OM is single. must have done a pretty good modified plan B or I wouldnt have heard a word about her break up wit POSOM

So, do you have a list of requirements for your WW to come back to the marriage?

I agree with TheRoad, you shouldn't be the one to ask her about it. She should be the one to approach you, if that is what she wants.

Are you going to go through with the D anyways? I am channeling ML right now, and I am almost certain that is what she would suggest. You could always remarry in the future.

My mom was living with her OM for almost 2 years. She had never lived on her own. She decided to go back to my dad. My dad was almost at the point where he didn't want to take her back. He did a modified Plan A(without knowing about MB) and now they are winging it. Needless to say, it's not going well. My dad said that when my mom came home, she acted like she had been on vacation somewhere for 2 years instead of in an active affair. I would say that he didn't set that bar very high and contact continued. My mom may still talk to OM, and maybe not, but she definitely talks about him an awful lot and it doesn't help things.

My mom has admitted to me that she went back to my father because she has never been alone and she was scared. I wouldn't want that for you. It may lead you to another FR until OM came back or she found a new OM. Please step lightly. This is not something that needs to be figured out today. I would even wait until I talked to Steve.

Itstill,

I believe I remember a few of your posts. I'll over you my thoughts.

1. She needs to be alone and deal with the consequences of her actions. You solving her problem may make her beholding to you but they won't lead to her loving you and more importantly respecting you.

2. The Road is right you need to know YOUR boundaries, and your list of requirements before she reenters your life. Please do that if you don't do anything else.

3. The woman you were married to is not the woman you are talking to now or even during the affair. She has been living with her OM for years now and she still would be if he had not dumped her. This strongly suggests that you would be at best a default position for her.

4. Point three makes it imparitive (sp) that you, if there is to be a reconcilliation, start slow. You two would have to start over with a new relationship.

5. You must realize that your old marriage is dead. You have history, but nothing else at this point. You must understand that what you remember no longer exists. Which leads to the question of do you want to be married to a woman (yes I know you still are officially married) that behaves as she has for the past two or more years? My answer would be no. Could she change, learn, grow so that she could be a person you would consider to be a partner? Yes she could but she has to do the work.

6. Should you be talking to her? No as long as OM is in the picture or her mind. She you be civil to her once OM is gone, yes? But be very very weary because she may only be looking for a "soft place to fall" rather than actually loving you. Those two things are very different. If she were your daughter, then a soft place to fall is a good thing, your wife? I think not.

So walk a fine line here, but mostly study your boundaries and make sure you adhere to them, and that you protect them. Call Steve Harley.

God Bless,

JL

yes, your wife is almost like the example in SaA book, Sue is her name. She came back to Jon because her OM left her.
I see that you WW is now emailing you a lot. She is scared because the D scared away OM and now, if she D you she will really be alone.
SO you are her fallback plan, but should OM resurface you can be sure she will go back to him. No doubt. She must go thru the grief and learn from that and you will know she is not M material any longer if she can't stand solitude and finds herself yet another man. In this case then you know for sure she would be a serial cheater should you go thru a false recovery.
After 3 years of history with OM you need a "walk the talk" type of apology and commitment. She is scare, lonely and desperate and you do not want to be the nice friend who takes her back and that she will kick to the curb as soon as she finds better.
blessing