Hey Hitch,

I figure you know this but I will warn you anyway. Your H is going to treat you depending on his mood at the moment. Probably one moment like you don't matter, then the next like you are the reasons for all his problems when he could feel justified to do anything. Especially if he is drinking. Because of his past physical abuse, I feel he will probably take things out on you when the his personal life goes sour and I am afraid of violent temper tantrums.


I want you to look back and think about how he acted pre- your A. When he went off occasionally on his golf weekends could it be possible he did a little playing? Maybe some EAs going on as it built his ego? Locally too. I am only mentioning this for you to see into his character and how devoted he really was to you and not just to himself with you in tow.

From how you described pre A and his violent reaction along with the answer for him being having multiple As himself after yours, it sounded like control he believes in, not honesty and trust. A recipe for insecurity and violence, with possibly something to hide. Maybe it was the chickens coming home to roost from his attitude and treatment of his marriage that he reacted to.

Did you post the letter you sent with his stuff hitch and I missed it? Could you if you didn't? If you did ignore this cause Im going back to look.

I don't know if he will come back or get help it depends on his ability to accept he has problems. I know you are doing the right thing for you and you still have the dream of him being what you know he can be. If anything you have learned here that people make decisions based on what consequences they believe they will produce, and when they are wrong, it is a process to see that, then they look for different behavior in themselves and who they trust there heart to.

H needs consequences to his actions and you are the only one that can teach him what your boundaries are. What other people will allow is up to them and if he surrounds himself with low-lifes it because he chooses to live that way.

I can't tell you how personnaly damaging and foolish it is to be with someone who you know has the capacity to be an awesome person, occasionally is, but ussually isn't at your expense. It ussually gets blamed on you when they screw up, and they can slip away to denial unless you take on the role of parent in which they will call you a jailor. Many stumble thru marriage like this, for variuos reasons, I did, I am glad I did for my childrens sake, but some issues, would be better served if I left.

You have this opportunnity to give your marriage a chance, but it falls on him to get it together, and you to stand for what you know is right and what anyone deserves in one. Honesty and true intimacy.

Behind you all the way. Be careful please.

Stay strong Hitch......
Remember you are in control of your life and the decisions that takes.....
Make good ones and don't worry about the ones he is making.......
You have learned a lot about yourself and have come out a better person, stay with that plan and learn to be the best Hitch possible...
I know it hurts right now, it's one foot in front of the other and it's just about making it through one day at a time now.....

There it is in a nutshell

Hi Hitch,

Holy cow I feel jessit just gave you the best advice you could have heard today or tonight. So did Scotland. I have not had to go thru this, but I know it must hurt and create a great deal of uncertainty.

Just please remember that you are doing this for you, and to preserve the love you have left for him. You are not doing this for revenge, retribution, or any other reason, as I am sure you realize. Imho you are going to need several weeks now to recover, gather your wits and your strength, and to fully assess your situation. It is not about him, it is about you.

So, that being said Hitch, I hope that you get the veterans on here in addition to Scotland who can and will support you and advise you as to your plan B. You are a courageous person. I hope it works out for you Hitch, but you are going to have to be steeled about going into the 'desert' for awhile for you.

Good luck, and my continuing prayers for you.

Tom

Bumping for Brainhurts..