I think that should come AFTER she tries to pump her for information. Such as "my H told me all about your affair and I want to know your side of it." When I said that to my H's OW she sang like a canary!

I see the point.

My first message to her was basically going to be to let her know he IS married - and not just legally married - but married-supposedly working on marriage, 3 kids who think their dad is vested in the marriage - married! I will wait, however, as I think that is sound advice.

I am positive if she knows he is married she believes he is only "legally" married - and just for the kids' sake or whatever.

I do wonder if the disconnected phone # of record could be because of issues and a separation or divorce.

You want your first message to be your last message and not go round and round with the OP...blow her away with maximum ammo from the get go.

Yes, that is called ADULTERY. Screwing a married man is adultery. There is absolutely no justification for it. You are married, your H lives with you, THAT IS ALL SHE IS ENTITLED TO KNOW. It is none of her business if you and your H are working on your marriage.

Thanks Raven..... good advice! No, I don't wish to go round and round with her, that's for sure.

Excellent point, Mel! I agree, of course. Unfortunately, the society we live in sees unhappiness in a relationship as an excuse to do whatever they want. Sad, isn't it?! Of course, she may not know he still lives at home. Who knows, he may have told her we are in the divorce process.

Just about ALL waywards tell the APs this just to keep the admiration accolades coming.

Not that it matters ~ OW always know exactly what "married" means and they choose to lie to themselves and believe that they are special and they don't CARE whether he is married or not ~ they are selfish creatures who what what they want and do not care one bit about you or your children.

Don't fool yourself ~ this OW knows exactly what she is doing, which is pretending she believes it's ok to screw around with a MM since he's telling her the M is over, he's only there for the kids, blahblahblah.

I know some people are messed up with moral relativism, but most arent! Married is married whether someone wants to recognize that or not.

Ok, do you have your plan lined out and ready?

Oh wait - I just saw the top post by Melody. I know I've GOT to learn this quote deal so I can quote stuff in the boxes! I thought it did so automatically when you hit "reply" to a certain post but apparently not.

Anyway...so... the first message to OW will be basically to fish for info and let her know H is indeed married with children...

Then, I confront H.

Best case scenerio - after confronting H he agrees to no contact letter to OW that I send to her that we have both signed off on.

Worst case scenerio - he refuses. I send her another (final) message basically saying what Doormat said.

And of course - exposure to others.

Hit the "quote" button instead of reply. If you want to break the quote up, you must have a at the end of the text in each sectioned quote. Hope that makes sense.

ETA: The word "quote" with the brackets is breaking up my comment.

Good point, Married F: she is obviously not a healthy person mentally/emotionally or she wouldn't be involving herself with someone who is married "just legally" or whatever!

Yes, Mel, got my plan of action ready! The timing is the only issue. Son has a football game tonight and I really don't want drama to interfere with his big game....so, I'm considering the timing options.

I also want the kids to be prepared in case H does leave, since I'm only going to give him 10 min. to decide! He may walk out the door then and there. Thought: what if he says he's going to leave but I need to give him time to get a place to stay??? I'm thinking no: out the door...right away! Go stay in a hotel. I'll box up your stuff for you!

???

In any case, for the kids' sake, that may be best tomorrow night, when they don't have to go to school on Saturday rather than doing it tonight. Just trying to plan wisely.

I think the kids will be good support. They fully agree that H needs to go with this kind of behavior. Well, the older 2 anyway. Youngest (14) is a bit different story. I have not talked to him yet and need to do so. He's closest with his dad as he's the one most like him. The other 2 feel H won't learn his lesson without losing us for awhile...

GOT IT! I think. lol

AND....

Thanks for all the help, everyone! The support is truly invaluable!

Yeah, that's EXACTLY what I'm talking 'bout! My conversation with OMW resulted in the knowledge that OM had his wife had never actually been separated, they did not in fact have the "open marriage" he claimed, and that she had no idea he dated. That was the doorway for my wife to think, "He lied about that. He lied about several other things I know of. What else is he lying about?"

Dishonesty is a HUGE Love Buster for most people. And FWW realizing her affair partner had been dishonest to HER, when he claimed to be her soulmate and was going to do all these wonderful things for her if she left me and married him? That was her wake-up call and really got the ball rolling on no-contact. Still took a little while, but those are the bumps & bruises of Recovery.

My only other thought is to try and message some other people from OW's facebook account that are family. I could tell them I'm looking for the husband with some story .... and I couldn't find him on facebook but is OW his wife....do they have an email address or phone# or could they have him contact me...

I'd have to find a good story that makes me not seem like I'm an old flame or something though!

???

A more effective way is to expose the affair to the family members and ask them to have the OW's parents and the OWH call you.

Are you prepared to discuss this with your H?

Often I've had luck tracking down relationships by people's tags on their photos. In fact, one of my (former) best friends was having an affair. I tracked down his AP on Facebook, then started poking around her profile. I found a photo of her and her recent ex-husband (divorced because he'd found out about the affair with my friend, long before my friend's wife did!). Looked him up, and found most of AP's siblings and parents still on the list.

Turned out his AP had thirteen siblings and parents who were still together... a very large, very insular Mormon family. I provided all of that info to her... and she still chose to enable her STBX's behavior by not exposing. They went to Plan C (she ignored him while he hung around the house), Plan C.5 (he moved out but they stayed in touch), then -- very predictably for someone who doesn't follow a decent plan -- Plan D, with papers filed a few weeks ago.

Just additional encouragement to expose.

He will be FURIOUS. And he will hold a grudge for months.

Your marriage can survive his anger.

It cannot survive a never-ending affair.

Don't concoct any story to find out the truth. Tell the truth.

Hey Sunny! Just thinking about you and wondering how it went last night.

Thanks Door - you're right. The truth is the truth and no need to deny the truth just to try to find out info through the back door.

Thanks for your thoughts, Mel. Didn't have the discussion last night, unfortunately, through a series of events. During the football game (my 16 year old son's) H made plans with some friends of ours to go to dinner afterwards. I was trying to get out of it but our younger son wanted to go. I figured we needed to eat dinner anyway, so why not. (I had planned to have the conversation afterwards.) Well, after eating I felt really sick: migraine and all I wanted to do was barf. I'm sure it was stress, contemplating the upcoming. Anyway... I just did not feel good when we got home and I didn't want to do it in that state of being.

SO.... it looks like tonight. I figure maybe it was just not meant to be last night because I worried about today being a school day, etc... for the boys as it was. Neither could really afford to miss today.

Here's my sample letter to OW:

Dear OW,

I recently discovered the affair between my husband, H, and yourself. I am not sure if you are aware the he is indeed, a married man of almost 20 years with 3 children. While our marriage may have had its issues of late, the kids and I love H very much and have been doing everything possible to save this family. H and I even attended a marriage workshop retreat back in July.

The emails/texts/visits to you must end in order for our family to be restored. This is causing terrible damage to many people. I would assume this affair would not be welcome news in your home either. How would your husband and kids feel if they knew all?

In most cases the truth is not told to the other party in this kind of thing. If you would like to share your side of the story with me, I would be glad to hear it. I have asked H to end all contact with you. I would ask that you respect my family and end all contact with him as well.

Mrs. H

Oh - and fyi - I agree: short-term anger from H is expected but better than long-term affair!!!

I am still checking out all I can on facebook. So far no "tags" with OM. He is just not on facebook.

And WOW....mormon cheater with big family.... not usual!!!