I love the letter!! But I still plan on exposing her on facebook afterwards. I believe she is married and everyone should know she is having an affair with a married man. But hopefully you can get some intel from her.

OK! Good deal!

Actually, the infidelity rate among Latter-Day Saints appears to be identical to the infidelity rate in the population at large. My mother was Mormon and a serial adulterer... my Dad is LDS and had four wives (serial polygamy Modern-American-Style, not all at the same time), one of them he met and dated before getting a divorce... many friends/relatives/neighbors with infidelity.

Being Mormon or having a large family is no guarantee against infidelity. Based on my (admittedly, small-sample-size) experience, I believe the LDS focus on stay-at-home-Moms in fact leads to very many EAs as these housewives reach out online desperately for some grown-up conversation.

To their credit, the most recent LDS General Conference addressed the issue of electronic infidelity, particularly among housewives because, like pornography abuse among LDS men, it's extremely common.

Well, I hadn't thought of it that way. I guess you just usually think of mormons as being so family oriented, etc... that it's not in their "make-up" but I can see your points.

I like the letter but I personally would rock the boat harder so that the APs will likely turn on one another.

Well...none of it matters now. I confronted H and he chose to pack his bags and leave.

I'm so sorry. I know how you must be feeling (sorta been there) and wish I could make the feeling of desperation go away. It's pretty late here so not likely many will be around tonight and I'm betting you aren't going to be getting much sleep.

Looking back 5+ years now knowing what I know now...I wish I'd not have allowed every set-back to devastate me. I wish I'd have seen the set backs as part of the process. It's really simple looking back...we were either going to save it or we weren't and the steps that went into it working out for us were going to happen one way or another. MB certainly helped facilitate things faster and restored "love" to our home. Which I hope MB can do for you, too.

Your husband moving out tonight IS a part of the process. You are actually FURTHER ahead resolving your situation, one way or another...because he left tonight. You were LESS recovered yesterday than you were today (but yet you likely slept last night where tonight you are devastated). I hope I'm making sense...

My point, I guess is...do not let the individual battles for your marriage overwhelm you if you can help it at all. If he's gone for good...it WILL be rough but YOU WILL MAKE IT. Tonight will be the FIRST step in your individual recovery. If he's, in all actuality, coming back eventually the less you REACT to this situation the lest resentment you'll have to overcome in the recovery process.

Your situation WAS unbearable. Confronting him was a necessary step. His choice to RUN away rather than face you was just that HIS choice. However, his behavior shouldn't distract you from your mission. Your mission is exposure. That's the next step...regardless of what HE DOES or DOES NOT DO. You are NOT reacting to him but sticking to YOUR plan. YOUR PLAN gives YOU something to focus on instead of feeling hopeless, confused, lost and isolated. Your fight IS NOT OVER. You can't know at all how this is going to turn out so stop torturing yourself with guessing the outcome.

Do you have any idea how many recoveries I've seen on MB over the last five years where the wayward walked out??? Lots.

ACT...don't react.

Now...try an get some sleep. Talk a long bath and TRY not to let your mind go apecrap on the what-ifs and what-nows. You only control you.

My wife and I are praying for you tonight.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - you will make it....either way.

Thank you Mr! I have been talking with my kids. I don't anticipate sleeping much....

I really appreciate the prayers!!!
I'll write how the confrontation went down. I'm not really proud of it so it will be painful.

I thought I would be SO in control of my emotions. I was not. I thought I'd have a better handle on what to say. I did not. Well, at the beginning I did....but not at the end. Critiques welcome...

But...I also see your point in that it does no good to rehash what I should've said and done and what I should not have. It is what it is.

I do need to re-group in terms of my plan.

To recap the week:
- Late Sat. night discovered emails and confronted H. He claimed it had nothing to do with us, our problems were before and the other usual crap people say. I stated he would have to end that relationship if we were to stand a chance. He didn�t know if he wanted us to stand a chance. (He�s been harping for months that it�s over.)
- Then he goes and is all nice to me � affectionate even � for several days.
- Tues. I get this weird poem about blame and should we work things out �but probably not because it�s too late and his feelings aren�t there, etc� I didn�t respond much because it was just confused. He continues to be Mr. Affectionate that evening and last night.

SO�tonight I confront him that I know the rest of the story: what he wouldn�t tell late Sat. night. I started out calmly enough. I say that I know who she is � where she lives � that he�s gone to see her in Idaho, etc� He hems and haws around trying to find fault with me having gone through his phone. I ask if he ended it with her. He says �ending it is not the problem but it still won�t fix what is�� Says he already deleted her # from his phone. I commented that was not the case. We discussed things calmly for awhile.

His main points were that it will never work out between us and �I know that�. I said I don�t know that at all � that I believe it can if the right things are done. He argues with me about my own feelings. He then tries to act like he has info on me: that I have trashed him to people and don�t accept any responsibility for any of my faults in this relationship. I say that is SO not true. I give examples. He argues. Keeps saying I �just don�t get it.�

He admits to the affair � even admits is WAS physical. Says �he took his ring off in April.� Of course I was all over that � not letting him justify his behavior.

I repeat that he has to prove that he has ended it and commit to a marriage restoration plan. He repeats that it has been over for him for a long time. Says this doesn�t have to be all drama-ridden. Says he believes we can work things out civilly and amicably.

This is where I lose it because I�m so tired of him going back and forth sending mixed messages with his actions and words. I�m also tired of his using everything I�ve done wrong to throw at me and justify his actions. I told him I was willing to go on Oprah and tell the world what I�ve done wrong in the relationship � I don�t care anymore.

THEN�he started accusing me of being bi-polar, or having multiple personality disorders � and being crazy! SOOOOOO�.this is where I lost it and am terribly afraid that I gave him something to work with.  I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. I was SO angry that he was deflecting all blame! And it hit me right then that he had admitted he had sex with her�. I pushed him in the chest: not hard mind you, but a little bit more than gently. Then he went ape saying, �Don�t touch me! You�re crazy! Blah blah blah�� I immediately backed off. NO, I do not think it was even painful in the slightest�my kids do more horsing around. BUT� I gave him some ammo against me. WTH � I had just found out my husband had sex with another women!

SO�at this point I tell him he just needs to get out. That if he truly feels this marriage is over and he isn�t willing to do any real work, it�s time to go.

Screaming match ensues. Then he starts trying to say that the kids are afraid of me and that I am the cause of all this. Then he even tries to imply I�ve been abusive! OMG�I lost my temper ONCE in a bad way YEARS ago. ONCE in all these years�with the kids. He says, �once that he knows of�.�

So, then he is packing his things and says this is what I wanted. I say it�s not. He says I said the words. I said that yes, I want him gone if he is not committed to this marriage, to protect myself from this pain he is causing.

He leaves and says something about talking tomorrow. An hour later, he sends me a text
Saying I need to be careful about what I say to the kids � that they will be affected. (Uhhh�Your ACTIONS did that, you idiot.) He also says he will get a place to live tomorrow and come get the rest of his things Sunday while we are at church so as not to cause further disruption. I did not reply.

Sidenote: I do believe the affair happened after he originally dropped the bomb that he was unhappy and didn't want to be married anymore. Rather than work on the marriage he went out and had an affair while I read everything in site, changed in a lot of ways...drug us to a marriage in crisis weekend... you name it.

My kids are disgusted by his behavior and accusations.

That was another thing: H accused me of turning the kids against him.

Mr W, thanx for the post. It was AWESOME. I was actually having a rough moment and it was like you were speaking to ME. /tj

Sunny, your WH has spewed out some of the same garbage that all other WS's say on this site. When I moved into Plan B, one of the first emails that my WH sent me was that I was using the kids as pawns. What a turd)that's my new name for my WH on these forums). I only tell you this so you know that your WH isn't special. He is going according to script. It isn't something new that no one around here hasn't seen before. That is why it is important to stick to the plans and no react to these waywards. They are driving their own bus, without a PLAN. You have a plan and tonnes of people to back you up. Regardless of the outcome, who do you think will fare better? That's right, you.

So I say, as MrW did, you need to get back on your plan bus, get your map out and drive this thing.

Just one piece of advice:

Expose.

And another one.

Expose.

Oh, one more.

Expose.

Expose to the kids. Expose to his parents. Expose to his lover's relatives and/or spouse. Expose to EVERYBODY you can think of. It's one of your only tools, and now is the PERFECT time to do it.

People leave the house when they are in an affair for exactly ONE reason: TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH THEIR LOVER(S). That's it. That's the only reason he's staying somewhere else right now. He is going to make time for her with less guilt than coming home to you every night. Don't accept any excuses. It's not to get space and time away to think. It's to make more time for the lover. Period, end of story.

Think about his actions in that light -- him blaming you for moving out -- with that realization that the whole time you're having your argument, he's thinking "Yay! Now I can go spend more time with SkankHo and have a great excuse for it!", with a sidebar of "How do I make my wife think my decision to move out is her fault? Oh, let's use this. And this other thing. And that other thing over there. Yeah. She'll buy that. Totally. She'll be riddled with guilt while I'm diddling my girlfriend. Awesome. Best of both worlds."

I did want to add that your exposure needs to be very succinct and "in control seeming".

I say this because it's apparent to me that your husband is going to be taking the defensive position of calling you bi-polar and/or just absolutely nuts.

Your exposure methods need to appear rational, controlled and measured.

Be prepared that SOME people will buy the "she's crazy" defense. They won't think your exposure is rational at all and some may TELL you that in response. Please don't over-react to such claims (as anyone would tend to do in this situation where their spouse is cheating on the moved out and blamed them by calling them crazy). You can't "win" such argument. You can't PROVE you aren't crazy. In response, I suppose, merely thank them for their input/opinion and assure them that you are not crazy but merely doing the best you can under the circumstances. Maybe ask them..."Well, exactly what would you do if you found out last night that your husband had sex with another woman, lied about it for months and then, in response, packed his bags and moved out?????". I think under the circumstances I'm being as calm and controlled as I can be.

Mr. Wondering

I started exposing today. So far, no results at all!

I agree that the only way he would leave is because I said no more fence-sitting and he doesn't want to give it all up. Now - having said that - he can't really be with her - she is in a totally different state! He can text/email though - or phone her, I'm sure.

Good job! Now just sit back and wait to see if anything happens.

Scot - I am taking the wheel! I've been trying to drive but an awfully busy afternoon with phone calls.

I can send a letter to OW H if nothing else fails.

Mr. W: I've been pretty in control, I believe! I navigated a conversation with H pretty calmly earlier too.

Do I go ahead and send "back off" message to OW now or wait to see if I can get in touch with her H?

I am on the fence on this one. On one hand i want to scare her, but on the other hand, if she finds out you know before her H finds out, she will spin the story to him.

Can you keep searching for a phone #? And if you do find it, I would call tonight, but diguise your # with *67 so the OW doesn't see your name pop up on caller ID.

Have you googled her name? His name? And the address?

Absolutely no luck with phone #. I've tried EVERYTHING. :-(