Thank you all for your insite and support....I had supposed I would get slammed more for what I have done.

I truly want to confess and do what is right, and I am prepared to walk away, if that is what he wishes. I just hope that he and my children can one day forgive me.

This the second marriage for me, first one ended when husband left me for mistress. Met current husband a month after my separation and took care of me.....was no passion but we were good friends.

1. So you were still married to your husband when you met this man?

2. No passion? Why did you marry him and USE THIS MAN? Are you too lazy to work and support yourself? Using people rarely pays off.

Anyway.....My first affair was 2 years into marriage, I ended it when I wanted babies, after babies my husband was jealous of the attention I paid to the kids and became angry and distant. That was the beginning of the end of our intimacy

I beg to differ. The end of your intimacy was REALLY when you married this man in order to USE HIM FOR HIS MONEY AND SUPPORT. Then your second mistake was having a family with him.

But as they got older I became very lonely....I didn't look outside my marriage because I knew it was wrong and wished I hadn't previously, but then I was away from home for a few days and met someone handsome who said all the right things and treated me so sweetly that I caved in and had a one night stand. After that I started to crave the attention I felt that one night.

If this is a real story (I doubt it) then it is ALL ABOUT YOU. YOU got lonely, YOU wanted another man.... YOU wanted children, YOU wanted to be supported by a man you did not love, YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU!

Until you see that life is NOT all about YOU, there is no improving your marriage. Do you want to improve your marriage because you still want to continue to USE your husband to support YOU?

Why did you go out of town and how did you meet the other man. It is kind of funny you went out of town by yourself. If this story is real.

I just couldn't take the silence and tension that I had lived with for so many years.

Why not get a divorce then and quit using your husband for moeny and for support so you can have what you want, children, a house, etc?

I do not blame my husband....I know I caused it all. His only part was to get angry and distant instead of talking to me....for years I didn't know what was wrong...he wouldn't talk to me.
The more he was angry - the more I avoided him, it was a vicious circle Now I realize that it was because he felt like he was second best in my eyes.
It's not that I haven't tried to fix it....I was faithful for many years....I even arranged marriage counselling that he was very resistant to, I read books and tried to discuss what I was reading....he wouldn't listen...he just kept telling me that if I would only....such and such, it would be better.....I did such and such, but nothing changed.
I know my affair is wrong....I am not trying to make excuses....I just couldn't take the silence and tension that I had lived with for so many years.




The fact is that your first affair - two years into your marriage - CAUSED distance.


This was the start - on your side.


You have to understand that what you see as the "cure" is really


THE CAUSE.


The distancing between you and your husband that you "suffered" for many years was because you turned away from him.

The efforts of building a marriage are just that -


"efforts".



During the times that you felt most alone in the marriage, it is because you chose not to give to your husband. It is the distancing that you created that led to your reluctance to give. Your affair early on in your marriage created - in your mind - a sense that your husband was blameworthy. That affair - in your mind - was justified because your husband - in your mind - did not meet your needs.


You had distanced him.


As you distanced him after you used him to have children, because YOU wanted them.


And you distanced him while you raised them.


During this time, the CAUSE is YOURS. What you "sensed" or "felt" was that "you felt lonely" or "you felt like you weren't in love".


Of course! You gave nothing to the man. He was this person, you gave nothing to him, and then expected something out of the relationship? Yummy gushy lovey feelings would magically appear with glitter on them?

Doesn't happen that way.

You GIVE, you GET.

When you give distancing behaviors, others sense them. They return those behaviors, being unsure how to react to you - only that you do NOT want them near you. You got exactly what you requested.....distance.


Then, you seemed hurt that you felt the loneliness of distance?

Why were you surprised? It is what you gave.



I am not giving you a 2X4. I am feeding back to you your own reality. I am leading you to understand HOW TO GET LOVE BACK FROM YOUR HUSBAND


and how to get love back


FOR your husband.


I promise.


You will find those loving gushy feelings with glitter

only after you give enough love to someone to earn them.


It is the Giver who gets love. No one else.



Love is the gift you must give to get.



Read the Emotional Needs section on this website. Do what I said and start meeting HIS NEEDS. Then, read about the Giver and the Taker, also on this website. Remove your Taker hat, because the issue resides in your living with that hat on.

Your marriage will transform when you give


and when you give up on always being the one who has to have everything.

So here comes the slamming part I was afraid of��I will answer a couple questions here, because I feel I am being attacked and would like to try to explain but then I am done.

I came here for some ideas on how to save my marriage; to fall in love with my husband, to get forgiveness from those I have wronged and now I am getting �troll, and �if your story is real, I doubt it" etc, etc�..from what I read previously, I believed that the people here cared about others, but it seems that unless you are a poor betrayed spouse, all you get is abuse. Thanks anyway



Yes, I was married for 1 month and then separated for a month when I met my husband�who was just my friend. We had no romantic feelings we just hung out together.

Not sure why you have to be nasty�..I truly care for my husband. I was the one with the good job. I made double what he did, I didn�t use him for anything except friendship. I would have been fine on my own, I had money and family support and my own place to live.
Again�..I didn�t marry him for his money�.he had none!!! After a couple years, we weren�t dating anyone else so decided to get married�.He asked me, I didn�t ask him. And I still have a great job and could support myself well.....Why do you think it is all about money?

Not that it matters, but I was out of town on a business trip�Do none of you ever go on business trips without your spouse...I don't understand how that seems funny to you.

As I said, I am done. I wish I could just delete all my posts, but apparently it is not an option.

EE-

I want to respond to your statement that you didn't "use" your BH.
It isn't about money. It's about what you did to him when you decided to stop your first A and have children with him. You USED him to get what you wanted-babies.

You say you truly care for your H yet you are cheating on him (more than once) and lying to him. I don't see that as "care".

EE, Bubbles pretty much attacks everyone on here. So, don't take it personally.

I am also a FWW (former wayward wife) and I assure you that MB isn't just for the BS. There is a lot of good info on this site and a lot of people here who would be more than willing to help you rebuild your marriage. But in order to get that help, you will have to be willing to listen.

In order to start moving forward, you need to tell your H about the A and then write a NC (no contact) letter to the OM and completely end all contact with him. Are you willing to do that first and foremost? There is no way you will ever be able to fall in back in love with your H as long as you are lying to him and still seeing the OM.

If you truly wants to save your marriage your first step is to..

Tell your husband

HAVE NO MORE CONTACT with OM

If you can do that then we can guarantee a loving marriage that you and your husband can build upon, but until then you can't.

If you can't do those two things then do your husband a favor and divorce him so he can find someone will love and care for him/

EE, I am also a FWW. Recovery can happen, but it takes several things:

HONESTY - You must confess both A's - without justification without hiding any detail, without any smoke screen, just complete honesty

HUMILITY - Someone who cheats on their spouse has no room for pride. What I did to my DH was hurtful, selfish, and unjustifiable. And DH owed me nothing.

RESPONSIBILITY - many many WS's have bad. lonely, loveless marriages before they cheat. But the choice to cheat is all on you. Period.

EMPATHY - Try to imagine what it must feel like to know that the person you have trusted and given yourself to, with whom you have had children, betrayed you in the most personal and hurtful way imaginable. That pain doesn't go away in a moment. Or a day. Or a year.

STAMINA - Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. If you confess tomorrow, it will not be all better next week....or next month...you may see some light next year if you do the work. This isn't a paper cut; it's a slash right through the marital carotid artery.

PATIENCE - See above times ten

When I was little I used to love to "create" things using paint, crayons, play doh, etc. My mom would say, "You make a mess, you clean it up."

YOU made this mess. The cleanup is on you. It can happen. DH and I recovered, and though we have still struggled from time to time....our M is a miracle and a love story in progress. But we didn't get there because I whined and got defensive and tried to make sure he knew what HE did wrong.

If you get honest and get humble and work hard, your marriage can flourish in a way it never has. But you have to be HONEST. And that starts with telling DH everything.

If you will do what is necessary, there are people on this board who will help you step by step. There will be some people who will smack you in a spirit of helpfulness. And yes, there are some who will smack you because A) they enjoy being tactless and rude or B) you are a surrogate for the pain they are still enduring. My advice is to do the right thing, take what you can learn from everything you hear, and just let the rest roll off.

There is hope. But the work is on you.

Problem is you have to be honest with yourself.

Had affair No. 1 on your first husband with you current husband. No matter how bad a marriage is you need to get divorced before you start dating.

Affairriages tend to never last. They cheat with you they cheat on you.

So you married your OM now BH. Marriage not going the way you want so you do what you did to your first husband. You have an affair, No. 2.

Time goes by you are not happy again in your marriage so you follow your normal response and have affair No. 3.

Is there a pattern here?

I hope you can save your marriage. I hope you can change. I hope you will be honest with your BH.

EE,

I asked you a few questions and got no answers. I'll try again.

Let me ask you this: Do you think your perspective on your marriage is correct? Do you think your H would agree with your perspective on this marriage?

What you think are attacks are IN FACT JUST THAT. But, what you don't see (and the FWW that are posting to you can confirm what I am about to say) is people are attacking your perspective and your thinking, they are NOT ATTACKING YOU.

There is not one person who has posted to you that would not want you to save your marriage and have a marriage that fulfills you and your H, not to mention supports and affirms your children. That is our goal.

But the clear point is that you MUST change your perspective on things and that includes what you are reading. You are getting lots of questions and challenges about your thinking and your words. That will continue unti you start to see things more accurately. It is imparative that you do because you will need a plan to save your marriage and that takes honest assessments. Saying "it is all my fault but..." is not an honest assessment. You indicate that the distance and anger is all your H's fault. Has it occurred to you that your treatment of him might have made him angry? Has it occurred to you that he might know of or suspect either your first affair OR the current one? Has it occured to you that he is only hanging in there for the children but knows you are having affairs and seem to hate his guts?

I am asking you this because look how you are responding to people asking you hard but honest questions that are TRYING TO HELP YOU. Do you think that you are yet in a mental state of mind to rebuild a marriage when constructive but honest very honest questions are being asked of you?

As you think about this and I hope answer my questions, I want you to reflect on my statement about your perspective on things.

You can do this, we will help, but you MUST start to see things differently.

God Bless,

JL

So just do it.

If you face any consequences, it's not from confessing, but from having the affair.

No more excuses, simply put on your big girl pants and confess your affair. You will survive regardless the consequences.

If you think there is any chance of physical danger, engage a 3rd party first, such as a minister, or counselor. However, make them aware that the decision is ultimately your BH's and you will abide with his choice.

If he wants to work on the marriage, you will stay and work on the marriage by first addressing your behavior that makes you an unsafe spouse.

If he wants you to go, you will pack a suitcase and leave until he ever, if he ever does, want you back.

You just do it. The time for fear has past. It's time to show that you love your husband enough to tell him the truth, regardless the consequences to you.

Until you do that, you are still engaged in the same sort of deception and abuse that is part of an affair.

End the abuse and confess your affair if you even want a chance to heal.

You may or may not get the chance to heal if you confess.

However, you will NEVER get the chance if you fail to completely and confess 100% of what your husband doesn't know.