Have you talked with him about this? About how you suddenly overcame your aversion to sex? I'm asking because in an earlier post you mentioned this sudden turnaround within a few weeks, and he claimed you were faking your emotions. I can see where he would think this if you suddenly became interested in sex at the same time he was pulling away from the M. He may think you're faking interest as a way of holding on to him.

Again, she can put pink ribbons in her hair and dance like Ginger Rogers...he would not care if he is involved elsewhere.
Asking won't hurt...the only thing is, if she nags him too much about why, if, what etc...she will become a big turn off to him.
She can be nice to him withoug asking too many questions because the risk here is also that she will have to hear things that hurt.
blessing

Yes we have talked about it. He has even made comments like well then I have always wanted to try this with you and we do and I love it. Yes I understand why he would think I was faking it so I explained to him what I did once I realized the gravity of the situation. Problem was he never leveled with me in the first place and I thought I and we were normal since everyone says the guy wants more type of thing.

Tammy

The money talk is about him getting an apt:( He says he feels like that would be better and would clear his head. He said he is not walking away from the marriage. I don't know what to think. It looks like I might have to start plan B:( I didn't want to do that until Jan the kids bdays and holidays are coming:(

Tammy

Momof3,

Sorry to see you here. While reading about how you are approaching the holidays and birthdays and didn't want to plan B, it made me think of Scottie, aka Scotland. In her situation it was the WH that wanted to wait until after the holidays and she asked him to leave and did plan B before the holidays. In this way it brought her a sense of control over her situation vs. WH calling the shots and most importantly, it provided the maximum lesson of Plan B to the wayward. Such as reality of what divorce is like, separate holidays with the kids, etc. It also protects the BS.

Please read her thread, it will help/guide and inspire you.

All the best,

ba

BA, it's funny, when I read that part I thought of me too.

Plan A should be 3-4 weeks for woman. It can last longer when the WS is out of the house, if you are unsure which side you would fall on, you should call the Harleys and ask for a personalized plan for you.

That being said, you just need to ramp up your Plan A and prepare for your Plan B.

Yes I am trying to plan for plan B I am just trying to think of situations now before I get emotional.

Tammy

All you can do is plan everything to stay as dark as night.

It would be more helpful if you stick to one thread. When you have a new question, just post it to this thread, we will find you.

I will stick to one thread from now on:) I can keep everything dark but the games. I just can't not go and dh would never not go. I can sit away from him and everything.

Now to get my letter put together and call friend to see if they are willing to be a mediator.

Tammy

Ok to stay in one thread I am not replying on the others but have more questions about the mediator.

Our one friend that comes to mind I don't want to use if wh will not want anything to do with him. This is dh's one contact that he truly needs to develope a good friendship with.

His parents do have the ability to filter and do a good job.

I will have to think if anyone else comes to mind. Do I ask him to pick someone?

Tammy

No, you don't ask him to pick someone. You pick who YOU feel most comfortable with and someone whom YOU trust.

You have to make a choice about these games here Tammy, is it going to be your son's games or your marriage? Although, even if you miss the games, there is no guarantee that your marriage will survive. I can GUARANTEE that your WH will NOT take your Plan B seriously if you continue to be seen by him at the games. When do the games end? How many more are there?

Translation: He wants an apartment so he can be with his girlfriend without you interfering.


Translation: He intends to keep his girlfriend at his apartment and you in the marital home with the kids. That way, he can have the best of both words. *That* is what to think, because *that* is what he's doing.

It's no different from what every cheater wants. He's NOT trying to "choose" between you and her. He wants BOTH of you and don't ever think he doesn't. Don't ever fall for crapola like "I don't know what I want" and "I need space to make up my mind on who I want to be with." He wants you both and THAT is why he's moving out.


Start Plan B well before the holidays. There's no better time. He can get a taste of what life will be like without his family, and you and the kids will have peace and quiet without a Wayward Husband and his ho stinking up Christmas with their chaos, cruelty and drama. Again - there's no better time.

No, no, no. WH has NO say whatsoever regarding the mediator. You will choose a mediator who is a neutral party and who is willing to help YOU by acting as a spam filter on WH's messages. Whether WH likes the mediator or not has NOTHING to do with it.

If WH objects to the mediator you choose, or to having a mediator at all, then he can get rid of his girlfriend and come home. No? Well, then, it's the mediator or nothing. He will kick and scream, so just let him. He put himself *and you and the kids* in this mess, and as long as he refuses to clean it up then that leaves you.

And that's what you're doing. See how this works now?

And don't consider his parents as an option.
They might seem supportive to you now -- but when push comes to shove, they will side with their son. And they really won't know how to filter his words.

You can even choose someone your husband doesn't know. It just has to be a nuetral party. Someone who won't side with YOU or him.

And this is not something you need his agreement on. You present it as a done deal....and its really critical that you STICK TO IT. If you start off by responding to him in any way, that will open up other avenues for him to communicate.
Either he works with the IM, or he doesn't get his request.

Before you go to Plan B -- you really need to identify the OW, and expose the affair.

OK so I will rack my brain with who could be my mediator. I am thinking of a friend but she is a female. Would that be a problem? He is still telling me there is not a girlfriend. I don't see how there is not but I can't find her either.

Our boys are in sports year round. Right after baseball/football is basketball then baseball/soccer. Summer time is the only time they don't play. How long do I not go to their games?

Tammy

Unfortunately, you would not go to games as long as your WH is going. I know that some people have said that the BS shouldn't be the one to miss out on the games and ITA, the problem is that the BS is the one who needs to be protected and seeing your WH, even at a distance will be harmful to you.

Your IM can be male or female. As long as they fit in with the criteria set out in previous posts, you will do well.