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#2436059 10/19/10 05:44 AM
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First time posting. This has been a rough year in my Marriage. The latest thing to come up is a Vasectomy. This came up out of no where. She wants me to get one so she can get off the pill. She has been on the pill for over 20 years. At first when we talked I was told if I didn't do it there will be no more sex. I was blown away by this ultimatum. Month later she backed down and now said fine don't do it and youll just have to use comdoms. I asked her while talking about this if she would not tell anyone that I might have a vasectomy. I'm just sensitive to this and don't want people to know this. She said fine and no sooner then that I find out she told a friend she gave me an ultimatum to have one. Her friend told her after I have it, to talk to her man in having one. She denies she told anyone, but she did. I just left that alone. Made my point to her that I found out she talked.
The problem I'm having now is the Ultimatum she said at first. It still in the back of my head that she would force me to do something to get something I love so much (being with her).

If I was to do it I might regret it and really resent her. I'm not comfortable having a vasectomy now. I really feel that a part of me will be taken away (man hood). Along with im not fond of anyone messing with my private area. No we don't want more kids, but I just really feel inside it will change me.

Last week I scheduled a surgery date for this friday. Well after many sleepless nights I decided tonight I'm not going to have the surgery. I told her this and In the end she said it's my choice and that was it.

Am I wrong for not doing it?

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Hi AKGary,

What do you mean by rough marriage? Are you familiar with Marriage Builders concepts?

Well, in terms of marriage builders concepts, you shouldn't do anything without mutual enthusiastic agreement. Read this: The Policy of Joint Agreement





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Quote
Along with im not fond of anyone messing with my private area. No we don't want more kids, but I just really feel inside it will change me.

I could cite study after study that shows how the pill can increase certain types of cancer, "messing with her private area" and "inside changing her". Condoms sounds like a great win-win solution, no cancer for her, no rushing into surgery for you.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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My first husband didn't want to have a vasectomy. I didn't want to be on the pill, plus I was very inconsistent in taking it. So, I had the surgery. It's slightly more dangerous for women, but I think it's a lot less emotional.

But, condoms and other types of sex are a good option too.

One thing is certain--Never do anything you don't enthusiastically agree with. If you have the surgery in your present state of mind, you will resent her and it will add another pressure on your marriage.


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Remarrying 12/17/15
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Wow, your wife is really demanding and disrespectful. I am so sorry that she is treating you this way.

I don't believe you should give into your wife's demands. This will cause you to feel less love for her and will make your marriage worse. It may also encourage her to become even more demanding. I wonder what your wife would do if you never gave into demands that she made. She might quit making them.

Here is a procedure you can try to follow to see if the two of you can come up with a solution together. I think it would be good for you to solve the problem together rather than just asking other people what we think the answer should be:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.html

Ask your wife how she would feel about discussing the issue with these guidelines. If she is interested, give it a shot. If she is not interested, or if the two of you try and fail or it turns into a fight, come back here and let us know, because we can probably help you find ways to make it work.

It was incredibly disrespectful for your wife to not honor your privacy. And it is abusive for her to make demands of you instead of negotiate. But please be aware it is also abusive for you to make demands: if you demand that she stay on the pill, you will be driving nails into a coffin for your marriage. Just because she has been taking the pill for 20 years does not mean that she has to continue. Honor her feelings and expect her to honor yours.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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She is getting off for medical reason and I totally support that... Condoms no problem!!!! Thanks for everyone replies. I feel the world has been lifted off my shoulders now that I decided not to go through it.

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Great, Gary, but don't stop there; check out the tools here to help you turn this rough year in your marriage into a good one.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by AKGary
She is getting off for medical reason and I totally support that... Condoms no problem!!!! Thanks for everyone replies. I feel the world has been lifted off my shoulders now that I decided not to go through it.

Don't have much to add but please do keep in mind the failure rate of condoms compared to other birth control methods. Your wife may have issue with the condoms because of this. If you are not planning to have children and are getting up there in age, she may want something more effective or even permanent. Has she objected to going under the knife herself?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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You have a lot more work to do than simply being relieved that you've decided not to go through with it.

Have you read any of Dr. Harley's books or the links on this site? The POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement) is something you should check out first and foremost. You and your wife need to sit down and come up with a solution to this problem that you are both enthusiastic about. The POJA can help you do that.

This is in no way meant as a recommendation that you do something you are not comfortable with, but I have to say that I do dislike it when people believe that a vasectomy will take away a guy's manhood. My H had a vasectomy 14 years ago, and it didn't change his manhood in the least. It was a 20 minute procedure in the doctor's office. He had it done on a Friday and was back to work on Monday. The only thing it did was make our sex life more spontaneous, since we no longer had to worry about birth control. It was great.

Oh, and as black raven mentioned, be careful with condoms. I got pregnant with my 4th child while using them. Are you and your wife willing to accept another child into your lives if they fail? They do have a very high failure rate.

This really is something the two of you should work out together. Make a list of your birth control options and then go through that list and figure out which ones you can both be enthusiastic about.


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It is most definitely disrespectful to insist that you get a vasectomy; however, it is equally disrespectful to expect her to be in charge of the birth control. This is one of those areas that you brainstorm until an answer is reached that you can both be enthusiastic about; although it is difficult to not bring your takers to the table.

I may have handled this wrong years ago. I would not have minded more kids, my H did. I did not want to remain on the pill after 40 due to doctor's advice. After giving birth twice, I was not inclined to go through surgery again plus the fact that my H did very little childcare so was not very willing to have me laid up for even a short amount of time. The vasectomy was the obvious solution. I did remind him of his inability to have kids in another relationship (in the event of death or divorce) but he stated that he would not want more children in any circumstance so....it seemed obvious.

Manhood is not lacking at all BTW

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I agree with the others that birth control should be a mutual decision. I don't think either of you will enthusiastically agree to abstinence.

Do you know anyone who has had a vasectomy? I suggest you talk with some male friends about it before completely writing it off. Your 'manhood' argument is mental, not physical, which you would know if you talked to men who have had one. They don't actually 'take your manhood', lol. In fact, after a couple of days of healing, your manhood is back in perfect working order.

Do you already have children?


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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I agree with markos and writer1....there is lots more on this site that can really help your overall M, not just this situation. I had to stop taking the pill after my first because it made me have migraines and rages. We tried the old "counting the dates" method....hence precious child #2 smile . So I know that sure fire BC is a big deal. They do make a variety of condoms now that don't seem to spoil the experience as much as they used to.

I do agree that you should not have this procedure under pressure. I had a tubal ligation at 30. the pressure wasn't so much from DH, it was bog time from my mom (she's rather....strong). For a long long time I watch "A Baby Story" and cried because I wished I hadn't had it. I would never recommend anyone making that kind of choice unless they are 100% okay with it. A vasectomy wasn't something we considered for DH because he is diabetic and we had read that a vasectomy and increase the chances of later problems in diabetic men.

See if you can have your wife come check out some of the materials or maybe read his Needs Her Needs together.

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Hi AKGary, I dont post much but wanted to chime in here. I am 32 and had a vasectomy. I got it right after my 2nd child was born. I have to tell you it was the best choice I have ever made. At first i was very hesitant ... (manhood mental block etc) however .. my wife was very encouraging. My wife and i made an agreement that if our 2nd child (6 years ago) had any complications during pregnancy and had to have a sea section(spelling?) that she would get fixed while they are in there ... but if all goes well ... i would get fixed. Turns out all was well .. so i held my end of the bargain. At first i was cool with it but then i watch some procedures online and when white thinking about it ... got very stressed out ... etc and had many talks about it with several of my family members and a few of my close guy friends. Well let me tell you .. the anticipation of doing it was far worse than the actual procedure. I had no stitches ... and i did it on a Friday after work and got to sit on a frozen bag of mixed vegtables for the rest of the weekend and get waited on hand and foot lol til i went back to work on monday.

SOme questions that came to mind when i was going to get it done was ... would I shoot blanks? As in .. would it be clear? ... the answer is NO nothing looks different and nothing feels different. The only difference is now you can make love to your wife and have no worries! My wife loves the fact i did it and thanks me often for it .. no more pausing for the moment to put on a condom .. or trying to remember if you took the pill .. etc. It just made things simpler overall and the fact we had 2 kids already 1 boy and 1 girl .. just sealed the deal. @ kids cost enough to raise ... we didnt want more.

I would say be a hero! Do it! and you will reap the benefits, and save your wife a surgery and possibly cancer from the pills! The stress and worry i caused my self was the biggest pain. The benefits FAR outweighed the cons. Your wife will love you and thank you often for doing it .. especially if your in the heat of the moment ... you can just get busy with no worries.

ANyhow .. thats my opinion and i felt compelled to share it to hopefully ease some of your worry.

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Now reading all these post, I feel better. I think things would be differnt if the vasectomy was brought up differnt and not attached with an ultimatum. Also showing suport would of gone along way.
MrNiceGuy Nice post. I watched and did allot of web searching and that did freak me out allot. I also did talk to firends. Had two said they still have pain. Rest said no problems and hasn't changed anything.
I'm sure I will have it one day just not today. NO, we havent sat down a talked about other options on BC. She just said use condoms.

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AKGary,

I have been reading along and I think there are some deep issues that are not discussed and glossed over.

Let's talk about us guys for a second. Women often say "its no big deal, in on Fri. ready to go to work on Mon." It is really simple and apparently it is. But, what is lost in this is the psychological aspects of things. Women I believe come to know soon in their lives that they have a finite reproduction period, hence the "clicking clock". Men don't come with that knowledge because it is not true.

Mr. Niceguy gave you a glowing report but you must notice several things about his post. 1. He decided he wanted it and apparently had no issues with his reproductive lifetime. 2. Even more importantly his W was very supportive and is even to this day. My guess she senses that this is far deeper than a "simple procedure" for men. She understands that pure logic is not all that is involved with this decision. For men or women, a woman can have her tubes tied, and to be crude and very insensitive is she is really worrying about cancer she could have a hysterictomy (sp). I am not recommending that either, but to make a point.

Writer1 pointed out the reliability factor of using a condom. As have others, Writer1 knows it failed her, enough said.

Others have pointed out that there seems to be other issues in this marriage. One is her lack of sensitivity to your sense of privacy when she told her friend about your ulitmatum and impending procedure. You mentioned the marriage has not been all that great. and finally, even after she backed off the ultimatum, she did not show any sensitivity toward your feelings or concerns. All of this suggests several things some of which have already been said.

1. You should NOT have this procedure unless you want to.

2. You should not have this procedure until and unless she develops some real empathy/sensitivity to you and your desires.

3. You should not have this procedure until and unless this marriage is in far better shape than it is now. Want a clue about what that means, look at how MrNiceGuy's W treated the situation.

In summary, you should not have this procedure or do ANYTHING else that requires sacrifice on your part until you both actually make your marriage something that you both cherish and draw sustitance from. It is certainly not there yet.

Your issues are not about BC. They seem much deeper than that because you did not discuss BC before you simply got an ultimatum. That is just not good.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

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" that she would get fixed while they are in there ... but if all goes well ... i would get fixed. Turns out all was well .. so i held my end of the bargain."

Not much risk taken by the wife here. C sections very rarely have problems. The casino's would go broke in a day giving odds like that. Not much of a bargain when the chance of losing is close to none.

As to condons the biggest problem is their misuse not the condoms.

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I never pressured my H to have the big V even though he was the one in our relationship who was adamant that he was done with two children. And who promised me for five years that he would take care of things. Eventually the other forms of BC failed and I was pregnant with number three. He was furious and I was given two choices: abortion or marriage. Adding a third child to our family was not an option he would consider. I had the abortion and not a day goes by that I don't hurt about that decision. Please consider not only the V question but consider what will happen if your wife does become pregnant again even though you are faithful about BC. Are YOU ready to support another child? Are you even thinking about the choices you may face if BC fails?

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((((lostlovinfeeling))))
That breaks my heart.

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I think some men (not all, but some) tend to see BC as the woman's responsibility. For me, BC was a nightmare. The pill made me sick. The whole time I was on it, I felt pregnant. The IUD was painful and I bled so bad that I became anemic and had to have it removed. I have sensitive skin and every condom we tried was irritating, which sort of kills the mood. Men really don't realize the toll BC can have a woman's body.

When we knew we were done having children, because of the above issues, my H and I decided that either a vasectomy or tubal ligation were our best options. We went with the V, because it is less invasive, there are less chances of complications, it was cheaper, and the down-time was much shorter.

I think the real problem here, as JL pointed out, is that the OP's wife went straight to threats and ultimatums rather than sitting down and discussing the issue with her H and working together to find a solution. To me, that speaks to some much deeper issues in the M that need to be addressed. It's also concerning that she was talking to other people about issues in her M, which is never a good idea.

Lostlovinfeeling, I am very sorry that you had to go through that. I don't even know what else to say. I can't even imagine the pain that you must have suffered, and still suffer.


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Best. Decision. Ever.

I think the procedure took less time than my annual teeth cleaning visit. Fairly painless for the most part (except for the shot and the snip). Of course the painkillers helped I'm sure.

Spent three days on ice and drinking beer and being waited on. However, by the second day I was bored to tears of lieing on the couch. But my wife insisted I wait out the 3 days before resuming activities. 10 days later I was playing soccer again and in 2 weeks I was in the gym.

Our deal was after our 3rd child and if she had a c-section, she'd have her tubes done. If not, then I'd get snipped.

However, the decision to get a vasectomy should only be done after careful consideration and if YOU are comfortable wtih it. I have heard the reversal is extremely painful.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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