Doormat,

Sorry if I misspoke! Thank you for the correction.

aBetterMe

At my worst I lost 60 pounds. You can go to my photo in the MB photo album (it's on here somewhere.) That was taken at -30 lbs. I got scary-skinny. (5'7", 113 lbs.) Okay, I needed to lose a few, I admit it. But the Infidelity Diet will kick your butt if you aren't careful. I'm at 128-130 now, and trying to maintain that.

I'm flabbergasted. A humble and sincere reply on an Internet forum, and even with a thanks for the correction. What's the Internet coming to?

Just to backpedal before anybody asks me to, it's possible it may be five years for some people before they feel "recovered". I would submit, however, that those who take that long (once again, with the "start date" at the end of withdrawal from the Other Person, not necessarily D-Day) probably had other roadblocks in their way, like ongoing contact, lack of Radical Honesty on the part of one of the spouses ('trickle truth'), etc. How's that for a weasel-worded caveat?

I am sorry for the pain you are going thru. Please understand that the A has delivered a severe injury to you. Right now, that injury is a wide open bleeding wound, healing hasn't even begun yet so please hang in there. It will take some time to feel better and your H is going to have to be the "physician" and do the work to help you heal [ this is the analogy Steve Harley uses ].

Some of the things that are going to help you feel safe/heal the injury are:
~ confirming NC via snooping
~ H will need to be O&H and transparent, accounting for all of his time and giving you access to any accounts & records
~ H implement a written EP plan, approved by you
~ spend 15 + hrs a week UA time with your H, you will both need to learn about lovebusters and how to meet each others ENs (imperative you both read HNHN)

I will come back with a link that has more details on the EPs. Once you have confirmed that NC is truly in place, you can share it with your WH to see how willing he is to implement it.


Correct me if I'm wrong but I think you were using saying you needed to be "transparent" in response to Scotty's advice on surveillance.

You DO NOT need to be transparent. You could make it clear that you will be watching/snooping to make sure you are safe but DO NOT tell your H exactly what you are doing.

Snooping is an important part of recovery as well ~ it will help you feel safer when you don't find anything. I agree with everything Scotty had told you, quietly install keylogger, VAR/GPS in the car. Unfortunately, since your H had a 6 yr affair with an OW who doesn't sound ready to let go, I feel you are going to have to watch your H very closely for a little while here to make sure NC is maintained. Waywards are known for thinking "a little" contact is OK.

Can you tell us more about how your H conducted his A for 6 yrs? When did they communicate? Does your WH spend nights away from you? Details like this will help when formuating an EP plan.

LOL Doormat

I like it here and love learning. I feel like posters on MB are generally nice and take the time to consider the words they type. I just want to be one of the nice guys!

Here's the link:
ExtraOrdinary Precautions

In my own personal experience, my H developing a detailed WRITTEN Protection Plan that we both have a copy of and go over from time to time has gone a long way in helping me in the recovery process so please read thru the thread when you have some time.

Hang in there and keep posting

Hi again Jax,
I just wanted to say it's a tough road with a good result if you work through all the emotions you are feeling right now, I'm 8 months out and most days are good, my husband also is remorseful now although it took him a couple of months of withdrawal.......My husband had his affair while I was sick and taking a chemo drug, how low is that, seeing his OW while I was at home sick.....it all makes me sad to think they can get that selfish but forgiveness is something you can do for you and when you are ready a gift for him.......
It's not easy and for me I never stopped loving him, right or wrong, good or bad I wanted at least to give it a try........if it doesn't work and you can't get to a peaceful place so be it......you tried and you will be able to sleep at night knowing you did what you could ...................you can get over this, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time........