Hi all,

I've read and read but can't find a situation exactly like mine so I'm jumping in and posting. I'll try to keep it brief.

I can sense when my husband is attracted to someone and I hate it. He's never cheated, and these little infatuations seem to pass quickly, but I wish he could put the brakes on before I'm able to feel it.

Most recently it's a new coworker. As soon as he told me about her, my radar went up. I'll admit he wasn't getting the admiration he needed from me and was especially vulnerable to attention. There were a few red flags but we've talked about it, reaffirmed our commitment and boundaries, and he's done everything possible to be completely transparent with me and to back off so that she doesn't get the wrong impression. I'm afraid it may be too late.

Early one morning I had a bad dream about her touching him in an overly familiar way at a company event where I was present. That very day my DH asked me to come by the office to drop something off for him. I took the opportunity to go in and meet this woman. DH had her come up front to meet me and it was INCREDIBLY AWKWARD. She wouldn't look me in the eye and acted terrified. A girlfriend that was with me noticed without me saying anything and asked, "That was weird, what's up with that woman?" I've had three more dreams since where she's pursuing my DH. He's been innocent, although maybe a little clueless, in all of them.

There have been a couple more awkward encounters since. According to DH she's usually very friendly. He's told me about things she's said that may be interpreted as flirting - wanting to "clone" him (ostensibly because of his work ethic, organizational skills, etc.), how he "cleans up nice" and being disappointed that he was moving to the jobsite and out of the office (which thrills me btw). The fact that she never talks about her husband concerns me too.

I know DH is sorry he stepped on the edge of the slippery slope and we'll get through this but I can't seem to let this go. How do I keep from obsessing?

Thanks in advance for your suggestions.

How much snooping have you done?

Enough to know there's nothing going on outside the office.

Goodness, Gracious!

I encountered this with my H back in 1998! My H had a very "nice, attractive, unassuming" relationship with his "secretary" that was, in my opinion, waaaaaay beyond appropriate!

Long story short, the "secretary" assumed "ownership" over my relationship with my husband at the office...

There was a day when I appeared at my H's office... I came to his office to tell him that I was on my way "out of town". His "secretary" stood behind his chair and asked him, "ARE YOU OKAY?".

My H said, "Yes". His secretary continued to stand behind his chair, with her hands on his shoulders... (As if to say, "I will protect you, no matter what!)

I was totally offended by her actions! As if I were his "enemy"!

I was completely overwhelmed that my H would allow this woman to "take command" in our conversation by putting her hands on him in front of me! Yet, she did... And, he allowed it!

Yes! It did cause me to doubt his loyalty to me and our relationship... When he told me that he had actually taken this woman to "her" house to get appropriate attire (boots) in order for HIM to take her to his "projects", I became completely LIVID! (He says he stayed in his car, which I believe he did.) I did NOT agree with him that this was "innocent" behavior, by the way!

I told him that I did not think it was appropriate for him to "invite" her to go WITH him to his projects! He could have simply asked her to "meet" him at a specific time at a specific place... Of course, he became "defensive"!

I can tell you that any time a husband/wife puts him/herself in such a vulnerable position, their credibility diminishes! Not with "just" a spouse ~ But possibly with an employer!

My H insists it was very "innocent"...

I beg to differ!

The "signal" he sent to his secretary, I think, was misinterpreted! She picked up on it BIG TIME! And, I think it was a validation that he needed/wanted from a very attractive female! (Someone other than his "wife"!)

My H insists that "I" remain "above reproach". So that there is NO ONE who can "misinterpret" my actions/intentions!

That is exactly what I challenged him about so many years ago!

He was completely, utterly WITHOUT EXCUSE!

Let's talk about "BOUNDARIES"!

In Marriage, especially!
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I would continue to be vigilant until they are separated. You rightly recognize a threat to your marriage, so of course you will be obsessed when your marriage is at risk. If you are hanging off a cliff in imminent peril you should be obsessed until you are back on safe land.


Stay vigilant and go back to the office to see her whenever you can!

We have had many affairs take place right in the office, so don't let the fact that it has not resumed outside of the office [to your knowledge] throw you off. What does he do on his lunch hour?

But you really don't know what's going on at the office. Below are two links to articles from Harley you should read...

How Affairs Begin

How to avoid affair

Gg