I can definitely see that. I've struggled with depression before and am pretty good at seeing when I start sliding into the pit. I have tried AD's off and on in the past and have never found anything I've been happy with. Bad side effects - weight gain, tiredness, feeling like I am in a cognitive fog. I'm hesitant to take something that will cause weight gain after working so hard to get 40 pounds off. Tried Wellbutrin, which is not supposed to cause weight gain and it made me agitated, which is definitely not something I need right now! Started taking St John's Wort a couple months ago but it doesn't seem to be making much difference.


No - I wasn't in contact with OM at any point during that period. on D_Day #1 I deleted my FB account - first thing that happened is he sent me an email asking what happened, why I was no longer his "friend" on FB. I emailed back do not contact me, do not speak to me, leave me alone and the putz responded something to the effect of sorry we can't be friends anymore, or something equally stupid. NC was in place until January of this year when OM contacted me b/c DH kept contacting him. I didn't mean to imply I was still contacting OM by calling it an FR - guess I called it an FR because, well, we weren't really recovering and by lying to DH I pretty much wiped out everything we'd done during that time period.



Both excellent ideas - I may get a book to write in though, since the computer is not in the room where we'd be together most of the time. That way I could sit on the couch and write while he's watching TV or whatever. And the radio show is a good idea - funds are a little short now to get another session with JC - I'd still like to have another session with her and I'd love for H to talk to her also.


Thanks - I'll keep my eyes open and be patient.

Thanks, black_raven - Would this be the same thing as a postnuptial agreement? I would definitely be willing to do something like this. I've got a friend who is a paralegal and familiar with our sitch - I will ask her if she knows anyone I can contact.

DoNoMo,

Done - edited it out. I actually was multitasking and wrote the wrong person's name in here by mistake. I had no idea what your real name was - how crazy is that that I wrote a friend's name and it happened to be yours!!? Ah well, in any case it's gone now and don't worry, it won't come up again. Sorry to cause you distress.

And thanks for the clarification on your FWW! Sounds great.

I guess technically it would a post nup. The language can be drafted to deal with specifics such as alimony.

One other idea. Dr. Harley seemed to almost be talking about your husband's situation today. When you feel like you are spiraling negatively, that you can't stop those memories, you can't get over the resentment, and you aren't willing to work on the marriage as a betrayed spouse, antidepressants often help a lot. They allow the betrayed spouse to stop responding to their emotions and think clearly and rationally at the time they need it most.

You may have some difficulty floating this idea to your husband, but it may be the logical next step. He's not even willing to talk to a reasonable counselor like Steven Harley or Jennifer Harley Chalmers, though...

Thanks for the heads-up, DNM - I'll have to try and listen to that one.

DH is on ADs - like me, he's tried a few different kinds but says nothing really seems to help. He stopped going to his IC and we stopped going to the MC. He has not expressed interest in talking to JC although I've had 2 sessions with her. She's great, but there's only so much I can do on my own if he is not willing to participate in our marriage. I know Dr. H talks about how one spouse can "save" a M...and I've read some books that are geared towards one person saving a M - one that pops into my head I read this summer was "How to Win Your Husband Back Before it's Too Late." Huh. Should have read that one two years ago before my A. Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

I have continued to work on my little journal for H and added some stuff. Gave it to him yesterday evening when we'd gotten back from the thing we went to at the girls' school. Explained that it wasn't finished but asked him to read it when he got a chance. I wrote on one of the first pages that it wasn't finished, that I want to keep adding to it because basically it turned out it wasn't something I could "finish," that I'd always have things I wanted to add to it. So I asked him to leave it somewhere where I could get it when I wanted to add to it. I wrote that I have the rest of our lives to add to the book. Maybe it isn't meeting one of his most important ENs, but it's still something I wanted to give him. He'd left it in the kitchen last night and I don't think he'd looked at it, so I left it by the computer in the garage this morning where I know he'll see it. Maybe that was too pushy, I don't know.

Going to try and invite him to lunch today. If he doesn't want to have lunch, I'm just going to ride back to the house so I can get out of the office for a bit.

Annnd thought of another question/issue for the poly - is any contact still going on between me and OM. I should get my paycheck next week from the last class I taught and I'm just going to cash it and go take the test. Maybe I should ask, since it's a big chunk of money - POJA and all that - but I also spent a big chunk of money on the new wedding ring without POJA'ing it. It may not do any good, but I can at least say that I am trying everything. Also going to do some investigation into post-nup agreements.

If anyone has any other suggestions, I am game!

Can't get to the rebroadcast of the radio show from the office. Don't know if it's on my end or anybody know if the site is down? I'll keep trying!

The rebroadcast from yesterday seemed to be broken.

The show I was on wasn't their regular show. It was their special show on an AM radio station in Minneapolis. Joyce responded to me this morning that they do not have copies.

shoot...oh well, thanks for checking, DNM!

ok...texted H a half hour ago and invited him to lunch. No response. I am going to try and be positive and think he must be in a meeting. If I don't hear from him I am going to ride home and have lunch and read a good book.

I really wish I could focus on work these days. I know it would keep my mind off of everything else. I am going to go and get engrossed in reviewing some test questions, doesn't THAT sound fun?

Taking the girls to a Halloween party tomorrow. We were talking about it at dinner a few nights ago and DD#1 told DH "you can come if you want to," not sure if he didn't hear her or chose not to respond.

And I got up this morning and ran. I colored my hair the other night (it's too dark, scary!!!). Bought some new books to read that are the fluffy read-for-fun kind, not marriage/relationship books. I'm trying. Baby steps, right?

While trying these different kinds, are you using them as prescribed, for a fair amount of time?

Not trying to lecture or anything here, but ADs need several weeks to actually begin to do their job. Remember that these drugs are affecting mood by affecting the over-all chemical balance of the body.

A lot of antidepressants can actually make things worse for the first few weeks before they begin achieving their desired effect. So if you take the drug for 3 or 4 weeks, then throw your hands up and say "this isn't working" and move on, you aren't using the medication properly.

Just food for thought.

The AD subject came up for me, which was a strain on FWW. I've had intermittent periods of depression, but I've always been able to face it. Previous to our current situation, I never felt I had anything to be depressed about, so pharmacological intervention was unnecessary.

Some days, like yesterday, I wonder if it wouldn't help.

HHH, you are correct. ADs do tend to take a while to work. I never felt like DH gave anything he tried a fair shake, but he'd start complaining about side effects and I certainly couldn't know how they made him feel. What would scare me is he'd stop them cold turkey when he decided he didn't like them, and I also know you're not supposed to do that with AD's either. I *think* he's still taking the current one but I'm not pill counting or seeing him take it every night!

The only thing I found to work with me was a couple years ago the doc had me doing a "spike" of Prozac during the month to help with depression I felt mid-cycle (sorry if TMI!), but my script ran out and I didn't bother with it anymore. Prozac made me want to eat too much, I was hungry constantly. I admit I haven't tried many ADs because the side effects scare me off...although low libido might be a blessing to me now, I do not want anything that could cause weight gain. I gave the others I was on a fair shake, but couldn't cope with the side effects myself. Thought I would give St. Johns Wort a try again but after a couple months I'm not seeing much of a difference.

Sorry you had a rough day yesterday. I hope today is looking a bit brighter for you!

There are several "old school" AD meds that work well. The one my doctor put me on to help control my anxiety is one currently given to people in nursing homes as a sleep aid. It worked wonderfully. My depression had been affecting my sleep, and it was a great first step.

Best part was that I could drop off it at any time, and I saw results within 2-3 days. They weren't hugely profound, but the medicine blunted the edge of my anxiety enough that I could think clearly.

There are options if you're the impatient sort that don't require the traditional "titrate up, titrate down" dosing schedule Lithium and others usually require.

DoNoMo, what is the name of the drug you're on? I take Celexa for anxiety but it doesn't really work, and my doctor thinks that old-school ADs have "too many side effects". But I have read positive things about them. I'm especially interested to hear about it because you said it took the edge of your anxiety enough to think straight. That's exactly what I need. My doctor gives me Xanax but it makes my head too cloudy so I don't really like it. Details appreciated!

I don't recall the name, you may want to ask your doctor. I only took it at night. Started at half a pill, titrated up to 2 pills over the course of 3 weeks until I felt "groggy" in the morning, then back to 1.5 pills which was the perfect amount. One pill before bedtime, I was sleepy within about an hour.

HAD to get 8 hours of sleep for this to work, though. Manage your schedule and bedtime! If you're only getting 7 hours a night (or thereabouts), you'll be late for work on this.

Anyway, it's marketed as a gentle sleep aid. The main thing it cured was my sleeplessness -- without being a "sleeping pill" -- which really helped my anxiety and ability to think clearly. Which are two of the main reasons Dr. Harley recommends antidepressants for.

I'm also not on it anymore. I only took it for about six months, then just stopped using it. Had about 2 nights where I didn't sleep well, started taking 2 tablets of Melatonin at night (non-prescription, natural and doesn't-knock-you-out sleep aid), and still do to this day.

If I can get enough restful sleep, I can handle stress a whole lot more rationally!

Hi Wulff

Hows it going? I am just popping into your thread as I am VERY familiar with mid month PMT. I actually have quite a rough time too, I went to the docs, and they would not prescribe me any ADs. I am not really a big fan of them either, I am more a believer in good diet, excercise ect... However, I have tried loads of things such as cut out drinking, caffeine ect.. and nothing seemed to really help. I have also tried Agnus castus, St Johns Wort and again nothing. However, I have tried something of late which has helped TREMENDOUSLY, it is called 5-HTP.

It worked for me anyway, although I still make sure I do other things such as excercise and eat well. Don't forget to take care of yourself whilst going through this recovery Wulff. Go and get a full body massage, get an early night with a good book, get out and about in the fresh air, hell even escape to a hotel or somewhere quiet for the night...It all helps refresh the mind.

Your doing so well, keep going x

http://www.healthyplace.com/depression/alternative-treatments/5-htp-serotonin-connection/menu-id-68/

Let's see; mother, 2 sisters, W, 3 daughters - going into nursing which is dominated by women, and I have to provide total care to patients of both sexes.

I'm afraid that my "TMI" threshold is shockingly... non existent.

Thanks for the info on 5-HTP, Harmony - I will look into it!

lol @ HHH - yeah, guess you are quite outnumbered by females!

Everything here is pretty much the same. DH spent time yesterday working in the yard, I took the girls to a Halloween party and attacked the giant piles of laundry. I visited with him a couple times outside and he's willing to talk about things that have nothing to do with our relationship, but at least he's willing to talk. He cooked dinner last night and I cleaned up, and we watched some TV after the girls went to bed.

I'm just not having a great morning. I dreamed last night that DH and I made love - in the dream he wanted me and told me he loved me. I wake up and the crushing reality is back. It's one of those mornings I'd rather stay in bed, I don't feel like going to church but that means I need it more, KWIM? The weight of carrying recovery is getting to be too much and I simply don't know how to ask him to help, when he is not interested in having more than trivial conversations with me.

I am excited about one thing - I signed up for an online course on the book, The Respect Dare. It starts Monday and runs through the end of the year. The course participants are all women and have started introducing themselves via the discussion forum. We were asked why we took the class. I was ashamed to introduce myself as a woman who had an A, especially after reading some of the other responses of women who were betrayed by their H's and why they were doing the course. In the end, I told the truth - it's the reason why my M is the way it is now, after all.

Plans for today - take the girls to buy new shoes and carve jack-o-lanterns. Maybe squeeze in a workout since I overslept this morning.

That's still a move in the right direction. In fact, you should be avoiding "relationship talk". It tends to be an enemy of good conversation. Instead, focus on just talking for the pleasure of it, and occasionally to negotiate something.

THIS.

Build him up out of withdrawal. Issues are going to be resolved eventually. If he is conversing with you, it's a start!