Schoolbus,

It has been a while since I touched base, hope your Thanksgiving was a good one.

My cure for boredom is to come to this site and catch up with others (reading posts) and to remind myself what happened in the past when I got bored - and what resulted from that wrong choice.

One thing going on with me is that while home for the holiday, I did a bunch of things around the house that I know my wife appreciated at the time, but after time to reflect, she felt that maybe I did these things to cover up my guilt of doing something bad (either recently of for the past).

After having time to talk about this, she then felt bad for thinking that - rather than realizing that it was done because I wanted to and/or because I wanted to help out since I have been away.

I can't get upset with this thought process as I know that it has only been a short time where my words and actions have been genuine. I know it is going to take time and willing to put in the work.

Also, I know that I can't speed up the healing process - but sometimes, I wish I could.

Anyway, thanks for checking in recently and look forward to additional posts.

This is good, you both understood and yes. it takes time to adjust. As long as you are both aware of the tendancy to be suspicious, and are also able to see things have/are changing, feelings and reactions should change in time.

Don't be afraid to do something completly different with her, like a spontaneous night at dinner and a movie, and show her you just like being with her...no reason...just that

CGIR,

My holiday was great, thanks for asking!

One of the issues I have had as a BS is second-guessing the motivations of my husband.

At first, I just "knew" he did nice things for me because he was trying to buy back my love.

Then, those changes in his behavior garnered attention from others. My kids even commented that their Dad was acting a lot differently, and said it was like he had a midlife crisis that resulted in some sort of epiphany.

For at least two years I was convinced that his behavior would regress, and that this "nice husband" wasn't real. I couldn't have been more wrong.

It's over five years now, and I was thinking just this morning about how lucky I am to have a man who treats me so well. He does all those "little things" still, and has never once shown any backsliding. He adopted a new life-plan, one that was not focused on himself.

What a change.


I see this in you - just take a look at your first post, and where you were. Now, you are looking at a new life-plan, and working that plan for your own improvement and your marriage as well. You cannot lose if you stick to the plan.

Speaking from experience, my husband probably had a difficult time at first, knowing what to do for me that would increase the LoveBank, and also staying on track and actually

doing those things.


The old saying, "less talk, more action" really applies in the case of a WS. Each and every time you do one of the things on the new plan, you put a plank in the bridge. Over time, that bridge is built, and growing stronger every day.


At five years out, I realize that my H's changes are permanent. He chose a new way to live.
He lives that choice.


Not and easy task. A laudable change for him.

One of the best things he did was to ignore my doubts. He just LIVED the plan, didn't worry about whether or not I believed in the changes. He said something much like you did - that he would have to spend a lot of time proving himself, but if that is what it took, he would do it.


Every day a little of the doubt wears off, and in its place a little bit of trust returns.


Hang in there. This is a long journey, and not a sprint. In time the payoff is worth it.


SB

Schoolbus,

It's interesting that you say that it is a long journey, not a sprint, because that is how I see it. I know that you can't erase years of distrust/harm by being consistent for a few months.

In my relationship, my wife is the one that gets upset with the fact that this is a journey.

I guess she feels that she had to deal with all of the past by herself, while I got the "enjoyment" from the activities. And today, she has to wait and see the consistency - so you add up all of that time, she gets tired.

I think that I am explaining her position correctly and I am sure that you can relate.

I know that she posts every now and then, but does read my post, so I would appreciate it if you could add your perspective to this issue.

Thanks in advance.

Well, SB hasn't responded yet. I think I might have a little observation from my point of view, some based on the past.

What makes it OK that its a journey, is that while you are living, you are happy with where you are.

When you look for a destination, it ussually is because you want to arrive somewhere, where you are satisfied, with where you are.

When my wife and I had reconciled back in 1989, We had small children, and she was pregnant, money problems like all young familys, but..The work and time we spent together and even the losses we shared were part of something greater than one thing, they were all part of the journey, and we had reason to believe in it, and in each other, and in our family.

When one thing would have to be dealt with, like a financial/domestic challange, that effected our family, THAT, was a destination, but still only part of the journey.

I hope that helps

BV has the normal recovery pattern happening.

I posted to her a week or so ago.


I also got really frustrated with my husband, who had his own version of the trickle truth going on.

Finally we seemed to get through that, and then I hit a wall of sorts. You describe BV's feelings well, and they are common!

I built up resentment about being lied to for so long. I asked so many of the same questions BV asks - and felt the same way about this concept of losing my sense of self.

I got angry at my H for seeming to get over the A faster than I did, and for being able to compartmentalize his life, his feelings, and all of it. I was angry because it all seemed so very unfair! He "got to have an affair", and I had to deal with all the pain.

there was plenty of anger, yep


And the sense that I wanted to recover faster, that I didn't want to have to deal with what I faced. Especially the idea that my life was not what I thought, my relationship was not what I thought, and then it transferred to:

WHO AM I, ANYWAY? Since everything I thought I knew seemed to have vanished into a vortex of lies.........


then....

where did it leave the "me" I had come to know? Did it mean that everything I experienced, felt, lived, was a lie, too?


I will tell you that I asked my H the same question at least 20 times. His ability to consistently respond to my questions (after he stopped his gaslighting and stalling) made a huge difference in my thinking and recovery process.

At times I wished I never found out. Then I realized that knowing and working on it was better than living in a lie, a world where things were wrong that I could fix, but the fact I didn't know they were broken prevented any possible improvement.


So I moved through the anger and resentment. It was a choice I knew I had to make, not for my H or the marriage, but for ME.

I had to come to understand that in this horrible pain there was an opportunity for me to explore a different "me" - and one that seemed somehow stronger and more able than the old me. I guess you could call it baptism by fire, because I went through a hellstorm of flames, only to come out not burned

but renewed

in my sense of self, by marriage, and my relationship.

But only because my H stood firmly by my side, and because I did the hard work to truly evaluate myself, my world, my life,

and I figured out what was REALLY important in the process.


Turns out, I figured out that his affair was not about ME. It was about him. And that my thoughts that he did not suffer, and that he "got away" scot-free were completely wrong.

He too was baptised, only with different flames at different times in the recovery curve.


but that wait time before I figured it out seemed interminable.


Looking back, I have only one wish. I wish that he did not have the affair, but that we would have done this "recovery work" anyway. Because in the final analysis, I truly have grown and changed, for the better.

So has my H.


this does NOT mean the affair was helpful to the marriage

nope

not in any way



What it means is that we could have gotten to where we are without any of the mess and anger and pain.


And my/our lesson over the last five years has been this single thought:


There is nothing that the two of us cannot do, working together, thinking together, and truly loving one another. If we approach our problems or challenges with love in our hearts, we can do anything. If we avoid our problems, we lose.


I suppose that at this point, your job is to help her know that you don't intend to slip back, that you regret your previous behavior, and that with or without her you are committed to a personal change that makes you the best man for her.


Then, BE THAT MAN.


SB

I remember that SB, the original seperation was because of her alcohol problem, which was getting worse, and her leaving to hang out with another addict, who would party, and guys were involved, just too many times.

But after I left, and detirmined I wasn't going back, 6 months later I got involved with someone. I was being a total sleaze then, because I had given up on marriage, even though I still thought, I loved my wife.

But after being with this girl for over a year, and thinking I loved her also, it came to me that it was me I was in love with, and my fantasy and expectations. It helped that the new girl got tired of my fence sitting.

After reading "the road less traveled" by scott peck, I thought of my children, and how much I was running away from, and if I would die for them, even spiritually, personally, and emotionally. I also had a chance to go back to them, and my wife had stopped drinking, which was a start in the right direction.

My wife looked at the relationship beyween the OW as an affair, which in reality it was, although I didn't see it that way, I called it a mistake.

I compartmentalized the whole thing, and re-committed to my wife, but it took a long time for her to get over it. I didn't expect her too get over it at all. I just wanted forgivness for the foolish thing I did, and wanted to show her fresh how much I loved her.

Yes the A was all about me, and I suffered the guilt for being a fool and a child. I could blame my wife for the damage she did before, but that was mine to own, and allways will be. I would have it no other way, it protects me now.

KNowing yourself is certainly the best gift, even if you sometimes don't like what you see. Its the only way you can really grow, once you know you can.

My wife CGIR, was allways expecting me to love her and protect her reguardless of what she did. Was it fair all the time? Heck no, she destroyed herself right in front of me and the children. The difference is, I did not have to let that riegn my actions through my emotions, and I never forgot that lesson I learned when I ran away.

My wife had fears that ruled her the rest of her life, but when she returned to drink and blaming me later on I did not cheat, although I had offers, and I encouraged her to counsel many times, and stayed faithful. I did that for me too, not to prove anything to her mind you as much as prevent my own loss of respect for me. Stupid and foolish and destructive as it was for myself, I was dedicated to my marriage, even if it killed me, and it almost did.

Your sitch is not that tragic CGIR, but the feelings your wife has are normal, be glad she has them, and is working though them in a healthy way. Keep on doing what your doing and working the plan, and know its fighting for her that makes it real, and that she will see that, and feel that, and probably in that order.

God Bless

That is the truth SB.. You got it down

Schoolbus/Constant,

I appreciate the feedback from the both of you.

I tink my wife is realizing that my affairs werenot about her, that I was in the frame of mind, that I was going to do what I wanted regardless of the way that she treaed me.

I was in my own little world. I put myself first and saved very little bit of me for anyone else.

I now put my wife/my marriage first and do not act selfish and just focus on me.

I would like to relay something that happened recently.

I ordered my wife a box of candy, that we had purchased a while back and when I picked them up and gae them to her - it seemed like one of the best things that ever happened to/for her.

Why? It was because she knew that I thought about her and remembered that she enjoyed them (but had not mentioned them in some time).

She was so happy that I thought about her. No prompting on her part, no reminders - nothing but me thinking that she would like them.

It made me feel good to see her response, but it also made me feel bad because it reminded me that she felt that I did not think about her.

Guess the response told me I have a ways to g, but I might be headed in the right direction.

Thanks agin and Happy Holidays to you both.

I am glad you negotiated that correctly, and yeah if you let it, that guilt will rob the joy you have for doing something sweet for her.

As time goes on, you will hopefully forgive yourself too. I expect that you could discuss your guilt with her, but I would be careful in asking her, in a backwards way, to help you in that. Instead, stand strong in your own convictions that you will continue to do what is right, and damn those debilitating feelings of guilt that are trying to get you to pull back from that.

I am sure you realize how many thimes we are our own worse enemys.

God Bless you all for the holidays too.

CGIR,

Your story about the candy is so familiar. How is it that something so seemingly small can really be so very large?

My "candy" story:

My husband and I often went to a local Taco Bell when we were in town. (We live in a rural area, and when we went to town we sometimes went for fast food as a "treat". Go figure!) Anyway, you would think that after 30 years together he would know to ask for the particular kind of hot sauce I like. But NOOOOO. Each and every time we went through the drive-through, he would tell the guy at the window what he wanted, and I would always have to lean over and request my own. My H just never would ask for me. When I was driving, it was automatic for me to ask for his special condiment requests.

This seems small, right? I never thought about it. Well, maybe I did from time to time, but not enough to really worry, or even bring it up.

After d-day, when we started the MB plan and he stopped his stupid trickle truth plan...

We drove through Taco Bell.

And he asked for his Fire Sauce. And then he asked for MY hot sauce.

He handed it to me without saying a word, but he knew it was something big - something different for him.


And for me.

I was thrilled. I thanked him for asking, and he APOLOGIZED. He said he knew that he never asked before, and that he knew he should have, but just never DID. He said he just

didn't. And he couldn't explain why, either. He even said it bugged him that he didn't, but he was too stubborn within himself to just ASK and change that ridiculous fight in himself!


It meant a lot to me.

And now, I don't ever have to ask, at any restaurant, or even at home. Things JUST APPEAR in front of me.


It's like I woke up, and I'm the Queen.


The Queendom is rather small, however, but I do love it!


SB

Schoolbus,

I guess the little things get taken for granted some times and as your example points out that some times the little things make a big difference.

In my situation, the comment about me thinking about her is what surprised me. I do think about her, and feel that it is shown regularly - I guess maybe it was due to all that had gone on recently but I was happy none the less.

Thanks again for the response and have a nice holiday.