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Sorry, I just had to see this again.  Okay, let's get back to work.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I tried to move back home yesterday but ended up leaving again because she was so insistent that she have some space. You are approaching this like a wuss, and that won't do if you intend to save your M. Suit up NOW, everything. GET HOME. She wants you gone so she can have the luxury of conducting her A like she's a free and swingin' gal. She doesn't want to have to sneak phone calls in the john. That doesn't have the same appeal as acting like she's single. Whispering in the john = "I've got a husband." Affairees don't like having that knowledge too far on the surface. It screws with their fantasy.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I just found this site yesterday and I've come to realize that I've already broken the guidence on how to recover from this. We agreed that I would stay away until Sunday (Halloween). At that point, she should tell me that she either wants to be married or wants another life, you are making such dreadful strategic mistakes that I don't even know where to start. You COULD be walking into a trap....she needs until sunday so she can finish filing for divorce and temporary exclusive residential custody of the children and have you served on FRIDAY. If she needs space....clear an area for her in the garage where she can sit and think all she wants to by herself. Mr. Wondering - (attorney)
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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There are three emotional states to relationships
1. intimacy
2. conflict
3. withdrawal
Conflict is better than withdrawal.
Do not be afraid of making her upset. Her anger you can overcome but prolonged withdrawal can become insurmountable.
Mr. W
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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@Every - Everybody has the right to change their minds. GO BACK! Just tell her that you changed your mind. Everybody has that right. Be nice, but FIRM. Say to yourself: My house, I STAY. If you want to, you leave! Do a 180 on them. If she says you promised. Say, "You promised on our wedding day." We agreed that I would stay away until Sunday (Halloween). At that point, she should tell me that she either wants to be married or wants another life, even though she knows it won't be with the OM (even more wreckless to have the EA in the first place!). No you didn't promise. YOU COMPROMISED! You told her you wanted to be a door mat. "Here honey walk all over me, because I can sacrifice for your love." Bravo Sierra. You Dumb [censored]! Get in there and fight for your marriage. MB is not about compromise and sacrifice. Tell her this: This is our house. This is our marriage. If you want to leave, then leave. I'm not leaving. Oh and I love you. The rest of her quote is pure wayward crap.
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The only thing worse than making a bad promise, is keeping a bad promise.
Go home, Sir!! If she cries that she wants some "space," lead her [censored] out to the garage and tell her you will be a gentleman and clear out a corner for her "space." But you will not be leaving your home under any circumstances.
I agree with MrW that she is probably setting you up. She can file divorce on you and point out that you have have abandoned your family anyway. Courts FROWN on men who abandon their families.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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To put this out there, we don't have any kids, only a dog and he's with me, so there's no family to be abandoned. Also, I know she isn't going to go seek out a lawyer. She cannot think that far ahead and has proven it over and over during the last month.
Is there ever an instance where giving the other person space can work out? Is that Plan B or something? Again, I'm new and (obviously) don't quite know what the heck I'm doing...
Last edited by everythingwvu; 10/27/10 01:28 PM.
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don't quite know what the heck I'm doing... That is why you are here, now listen to us... MOVE BACK HOME IMMEDIATELY!!
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To put this out there, we don't have any kids, only a dog and he's with me, so there's no family to be abandoned. So your wife is not your family? A judge will view her that way. You are not married? Is there ever an instance where giving the other person space can work out? Is that Plan B or something? Again, I'm new and (obviously) don't quite know what the heck I'm doing... Giving her space is good when you are ready for divorce and have exhausted every other option. Giving her space in this instance simply means: "give me space so I can carry on my affair unimpeded." You don't have to move out to give her "space." She can go in the bathroom or garage to achieve that. If she wants "space" to have her affair, why should you be the one to move out?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The worst thing you could do is to try to appease her and follow her plans when her plans are centered around OM and conducting her A.
We can walk you through this step by step by you have to push your fear of upsetting your W aside.
Go back home. If she is furious, it is a GOOD thing. That means you are interfering with the A which is what you want. The same goes for exposure. But exposure is Step #2. Moving back home is Step #1.
Hang in there.
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I'm moving home effective now. I also confronted the OM and asked that he leave WW alone so we can work on our marriage. WW is super pissed and says that "OM has nothing to do with this". How freaking rediculous is that?
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I'm moving home effective now. I also confronted the OM and asked that he leave WW alone so we can work on our marriage. WW is super pissed and says that "OM has nothing to do with this". How freaking rediculous is that? Great!! And don't forewarn her. Just go home and move right into your own bedroom unannounced. If she wants some "space" SHE can be the one to leave. You could be a gentleman and clear out a corner of your garage for her. Put a chair, a sleeping bag and a slop bucket out there for her. "Here is your space, honey!" 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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WW is super pissed and says that "OM has nothing to do with this". translation: don't look at my affair!! help me pretend like this isn't the problem!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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WW is super pissed and says that "OM has nothing to do with this". translation: don't look at my affair!! help me pretend like this isn't the problem! That is 110% soo RIGHT!!
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Completely agree. When I found out that they talked last night, I just friggen lost it.
Ok, so I'm home and she knows that I'm home. What do I do next?
My inclination is to lay it on the line: either she commits 110% to fixing the marriage, or we're done. I will NOT play second fiddle and she doesn't need more time/space to "figure out whether she wants to be married or not". That BS won't fly anymore.
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I recognize that the continued contact with the OM is a problem and is the first thing that must be rectified before we can move forward together. But SHE needs to make him go away. I can't do it for her.
Any advice on how to make that happen? I recognize that her keeping the OM in the picture is her having her cake, but if he doesn't go away, I am willing to go forward with the divorce proceeding effective immediately.
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Also, when I talked to her today, she said she loves me but is afraid that we wont be able to fix things. I promised her we will once the OM is out of the picture and we can get to the root of the cause of the EA in the first place. I plan on buying the program through this site if she chooses to work it out, but I'm not optimistic that that will be her choice.
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Even better is that she told me her relationship with OM was "None of my business". How dumb can she be. She's delusional.
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Time to EXPOSE. Expose her affair to all your friends and family. She will be very very mad, but your marriage can survive her anger. It cannot survive an active affair. You cannot rely on her or the OM to stop the affair on their own either. But if you bring it into the light and kill the fantasy, you have a chance at saving your marriage.
aBetterMe
Me 33
DH 35
Together 14 years, married 12
Two "furry children" (one cat & one dog)
MB has changed me and changed my life. I am becoming a better person for it, and building a better marriage. MB principles can truly help you create the love and the life you want.
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Our friends and family already know. I'm now left with her work as she and OM work together in the same building, but for different companies.
Her family has leaned on her pretty hard about this, but her friends (mostly co-workers) don't think it's their place to say anything.
To be clear, she swears they never had sex. they made out a few times but that's all. It's primarily emotional from what I can tell, but I cannot tell what emotional needs OM is meeting that I am not. She can't put a finger on it. I guess that's were counseling would help, but she has out-right refused to go to counseling so far, though she's told me and her parents that she would. But she won't do what she doesn't want to do...
Last edited by everythingwvu; 10/28/10 12:39 PM.
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