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For you BS's who have posted to me - was there a point where you were sure that recovery was what you wanted? Yep. The night I listened to the recording of my wife responding to OM's marriage proposal. The day I discovered her hiding photos of OM and looking at them regularly five months after D-Day, then giving me a song & dance of deleting them while actually having saved them somewhere else a bit earlier. I was ready to divorce her. And for the next month, even when we went on this nice overnight in Idaho, the whole time I thought I should divorce this woman that spent six months lying to me about not contacting the OM (looking at his photos every day counts as contact as far as Withdrawal goes, and explained so many symptoms.) Then again one month later in January, my logs showed her looking at photos of OM buried in her email, and when confronted, she claimed she was "testing" me if I was still watching her, and proceeded to lock down her computer to lock me out of it. As an EP violation, I locked down the network so she couldn't use it; she threatened to go to the coffee store to use their Internet. I told her to get out of the house unless she was willing to grant me full access to her computer; she said if I wanted to separate, I had to move, not her. We temporarily agreed to back down: I gave her computer access to the network again in exchange for the password to her computer. We scheduled an app't with Jennifer the next day, and stood down. I was ready to divorce her that instant because she'd violated the Extraordinary Precautions we put in place. I decided to do what Jennifer suggested, but it took me another month to decide I didn't want to divorce her.
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((((WPG)))),
I just wanted to send you hugs and encouragement. Keep it up, and try not to lose hope. Thank you, PUP...I need encouragement today. It seems for you, it does take a full physical/emotional/spiritual engagement. I can't say if that makes you the exception or the rule, but I think that most men feel that you would be the rule. Thus, for you to orgasm with the OM is an indicator of your engagement to the act with him. This, wrapped inside a DJ, presents a lot of increased pressure on a BH to "compete" with that experience. I can understand that point. I guess my biggest problem lies in the fact of, well, my lies. DH doesn't believe that I didn't "O" with OM because he doubts my honesty. I suppose the fact that that question wasn't covered in the poly only adds to that for him - of course that is a DJ, I'm just guessing here. When DH and I have SF now, I make it a point to show him that I am engaged with him, whether that's talk, touching his face, looking in his eyes (or trying to, since lately more often his are closed). And it makes SF so much more fulfilling and intense for me, I don't know, maybe it's just that I am learning to be fully there and in the moment. Honestly I just don't feel like dwelling on SF this morning so I'll stop there. I had a bad night. DH seemed very closed yesterday and after our talk and intimacy Tuesday night I tried to (gently) encourage him to talk about what was on his mind. All I got out of him was that he was tired. I also had reached an assignment in the Respect Dare where I was to list 5 attributes that were reasons why I married DH, and I was to share those with him. I asked if he would like to help me with my assignment, so I sat on the couch with him after the kids had gone to bed. He turned off the TV, at least. He did not look at me while I talked to him, and didn't acknowledge anything I said. I know I am not supposed to have any expectations, so I simply thanked him for helping me with my assignment and moved on. Next trigger for me, I am afraid, was your post, HHH, to your FWW. It brought tears to my eyes. I know comparing our recovery to anyone else's is a foolish pastime, especially since I complicated our recovery further by trickle truthing DH for 4 months. As I went to bed, I just had this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. That I've destroyed any chance that DH will have that kind of love for me again. As I got into bed, I decided that I've been holding myself back long enough, and after I'd told him Tues. night that I had been having difficulty being completely O&H about my needs and feelings during recovery, I decided to tell him what I was feeling. I told him I was having a bad night, and that I would really love it if he would just hold me for a while. His response: "Why?" I told him I needed his comfort, that I was struggling after the poly because having to talk about the A again in detail, it brought back the bad feelings I have about myself. I told him how sorry I was for hurting him, how much I wanted to help him to heal, how much I loved him. I can't remember everything because I unfortunately allowed myself to get all blubbery and crying. I wanted so badly for him to just reach out, touch me, say something...I finally rolled over and laid in the bed, but I couldn't stop crying so I got up and went downstairs. And still I wanted him to follow me, such a typical "pink" (female) response, and I know this - women confront to connect, men will withdraw. I'm not giving up. It just gets so discouraging at times. But, I am trying to stay committed to being O&H with DH. I cannot control his reaction nor should I have any expectations of him. I'm so sorry... Of course part of that was for my FWW, but part of that was to try to shine some hope for people like yourself, who are struggling through recovery. That is why I shared my declaration with everyone. I cannot speak for your H, or why or how he behaves in the way he does. I posted a letter that I wrote my FWW in my own thread, with the added note that had I known it all from the beginning, that letter would not exist. Had I got the entire truth right from the start, or had I discovered solid proof, or "caught" her, I feel I would have left her right then. I, too, was trickle truthed for almost 6 months. From ILYBINILWY day on February 6th, until March 13th, she was still working with the OM several times a week. 2 weeks after ILYBINILWY she spent the night at a friends, and spent ALL NIGHT texting (until 5am) and started again at 9am. She cut me off cold at 11pm, and didn't bother to call or text me until after 1pm. I caught texts of her whining to friends when I demanded all non work-related contact end. I caught a text she sent to a coworker of her whining about me demanding he be deleted on Facebook, in which she stated "It was hard enough to not cry when he left." She wouldn't give it up to the point that I WAS going to leave unless she cut those ties BEFORE HE LEFT. Letting it die naturally WAS NOT ACCEPTABLE. I tried to let it be, because I was afraid to chase her away. I wonder EVERY DAY if I am making the right choice. I have a lot of what your H deals with, in a compacted amount of time. I have been destroyed for a "relationship" (can't even call it that) that comes out to a lot less emotionally than what you were tied up in. For my contrast, that makes what she did hurt MORE. WPG, I am not the contrast to your H. I cannot allow that. I am NOT angelic, I am NOT perfect, at times, I'm not even sure that I'm even good. I am just fighting with everything I can bring to the table to keep my head above water, and sometimes I fail. And in those moments, I am VERY un-MB-like. VERY MUCH SO. To a point that I feel ashamed to post on these boards. And I NEED people to know that. Because that is the REALITY of recovery. You NEED to know that. It isn't fast, it isn't easy. WPG, I was your husband. I was exactly where he is for TWO YEARS - and then to top it off, she had an A and dropped me with ILYBINILWY, I think we married to young, I think we're just together for the kids... etc etc etc. I am no hero, I'm just another soul going through hell. So, what do you do? "When you find yourself going through hell, keep going."
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I'm so sorry...
Of course part of that was for my FWW, but part of that was to try to shine some hope for people like yourself, who are struggling through recovery. That is why I shared my declaration with everyone. Don't be sorry - the letter was beautiful, I thought so! And as I said in your thread, a very brave thing to post. Had I got the entire truth right from the start, or had I discovered solid proof, or "caught" her, I feel I would have left her right then. I, too, was trickle truthed for almost 6 months. I wonder that about us as well - what would have happened if I'd been honest that first day? But in the end it doesn't matter - I should have been honest regardless of what I was afraid of, that DH would leave immediately. And the fact that lying did eat at me is no consolation to him. WPG, I am not the contrast to your H. I cannot allow that. I am NOT angelic, I am NOT perfect, at times, I'm not even sure that I'm even good.
I am just fighting with everything I can bring to the table to keep my head above water, and sometimes I fail. And in those moments, I am VERY un-MB-like. VERY MUCH SO. To a point that I feel ashamed to post on these boards.
And I NEED people to know that. Because that is the REALITY of recovery. You NEED to know that. It isn't fast, it isn't easy. I know. I can't compare our recovery with anyone else's because even though I understand the "ingredients" for an A are similar (lack of boundaries, no EPs, etc) each recovery is unique. Your recovery is different, DNM's recovery is different...DNM, sounds like you had to also deal with an extensive withdrawal period on the part of your FWW, which further makes things different. On the one hand, the positive stories of restoration hearten me and give me hope; on the other, they discourage me simply because of where we are at right now. But DH is still home, He's still here, despite the pain. So I have to allow THAT to give me the hope I need right now.
FWW
"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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I'm so sorry...
Of course part of that was for my FWW, but part of that was to try to shine some hope for people like yourself, who are struggling through recovery. That is why I shared my declaration with everyone. Don't be sorry - the letter was beautiful, I thought so! And as I said in your thread, a very brave thing to post. Had I got the entire truth right from the start, or had I discovered solid proof, or "caught" her, I feel I would have left her right then. I, too, was trickle truthed for almost 6 months. I wonder that about us as well - what would have happened if I'd been honest that first day? But in the end it doesn't matter - I should have been honest regardless of what I was afraid of, that DH would leave immediately. And the fact that lying did eat at me is no consolation to him. WPG, I am not the contrast to your H. I cannot allow that. I am NOT angelic, I am NOT perfect, at times, I'm not even sure that I'm even good.
I am just fighting with everything I can bring to the table to keep my head above water, and sometimes I fail. And in those moments, I am VERY un-MB-like. VERY MUCH SO. To a point that I feel ashamed to post on these boards.
And I NEED people to know that. Because that is the REALITY of recovery. You NEED to know that. It isn't fast, it isn't easy. I know. I can't compare our recovery with anyone else's because even though I understand the "ingredients" for an A are similar (lack of boundaries, no EPs, etc) each recovery is unique. Your recovery is different, DNM's recovery is different...DNM, sounds like you had to also deal with an extensive withdrawal period on the part of your FWW, which further makes things different. On the one hand, the positive stories of restoration hearten me and give me hope; on the other, they discourage me simply because of where we are at right now. But DH is still home, He's still here, despite the pain. So I have to allow THAT to give me the hope I need right now. DW would tell you she has to do the same, at times. Sometimes she just holds on to the fact that I'm here. The whole experience SUCKS. For both spouses. Raise a toast to a better future...
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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it is the fact that I don't know what he wants to do - does he want to recover the M or not? And that's not a DJ - that's exactly what he told me Tuesday night. He doesn't know what he wants. I know that making that decision will not stop his pain, but I feel like if we both know - YES, this M is what I/we want - that would give me a greater measure of confidence and help me cast out some of this fear This...this right here, is your biggest problem. You are paralyzed by fear and it isn't allowing you to REALLY do the hard work. You so badly want to know he is in 100% that you are wasting precious energy fretting about this and you aren't focused on meeting ENs (which is going to save your M while fretting about this isn't). I know this from experience because my H was the same way. He was constantly wanting to engage in conversation about our "future". He desperately wanted to know that I wasn't going anywhere, that he wasn't going to be served with D papers "tomorrow". He was clingy and desperate and it annoyed me. His CONFIDENCE (along with meeting ENs and avoiding LBers) and ENDURANCE are what brought me out of withdrawal. He stopped worrying about what *I* was going to do and focused on being the best H and father he could be. He did a great job of scheduling our UA time every week. He took me out on lots and lots of dates, he met my ENs. He didn't complain. He told me he understood that I couldn't meet his ENs right then, and why. He apologized to me every single day (he still does this) for hurting me and promises me that it's "just us" (our code word for NC). He tells me he loves me so many times a day I can't even count them all. He's very affectionate. He initiates SF often. He surprises me and takes me away for weekends alone, just the two of us. (notice this is all in the present tense because he STILL does all of these things. This is the ENDURANCE I am talking about. He's shown me that these changes are PERMANENT and not "just" to win me back). WPG, you need to show your husband CONFIDENCE that you can be a wife he won't WANT to leave. THAT is what is going to bring him out of withdrawal, but it won't happen today or next week or even next month. This is a long, slow process. Your ENDURANCE is needed here. This will help him to know that these changes are permanent and not transitory. Does this make sense? If I am not painting a clear picture of what I mean, let me know and I'll try again. 
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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it is the fact that I don't know what he wants to do - does he want to recover the M or not? And that's not a DJ - that's exactly what he told me Tuesday night. He doesn't know what he wants. I know that making that decision will not stop his pain, but I feel like if we both know - YES, this M is what I/we want - that would give me a greater measure of confidence and help me cast out some of this fear This...this right here, is your biggest problem. You are paralyzed by fear and it isn't allowing you to REALLY do the hard work. You so badly want to know he is in 100% that you are wasting precious energy fretting about this and you aren't focused on meeting ENs (which is going to save your M while fretting about this isn't). I know this from experience because my H was the same way. He was constantly wanting to engage in conversation about our "future". He desperately wanted to know that I wasn't going anywhere, that he wasn't going to be served with D papers "tomorrow". He was clingy and desperate and it annoyed me. His CONFIDENCE (along with meeting ENs and avoiding LBers) and ENDURANCE are what brought me out of withdrawal. He stopped worrying about what *I* was going to do and focused on being the best H and father he could be. He did a great job of scheduling our UA time every week. He took me out on lots and lots of dates, he met my ENs. He didn't complain. He told me he understood that I couldn't meet his ENs right then, and why. He apologized to me every single day (he still does this) for hurting me and promises me that it's "just us" (our code word for NC). He tells me he loves me so many times a day I can't even count them all. He's very affectionate. He initiates SF often. He surprises me and takes me away for weekends alone, just the two of us. (notice this is all in the present tense because he STILL does all of these things. This is the ENDURANCE I am talking about. He's shown me that these changes are PERMANENT and not "just" to win me back). WPG, you need to show your husband CONFIDENCE that you can be a wife he won't WANT to leave. THAT is what is going to bring him out of withdrawal, but it won't happen today or next week or even next month. This is a long, slow process. Your ENDURANCE is needed here. This will help him to know that these changes are permanent and not transitory. Does this make sense? If I am not painting a clear picture of what I mean, let me know and I'll try again. Great post MarriedForever!  Very well said and that is exactly why Mrs.Flint and I have been successful. The key is the FWS deciding to be IN the marriage... and giving the BS a REASON to continue the M by meeting their EN's and not LBing the BS. I believe that if the FWS does not VALUE the M enough to provide those things to the BS after the BS has followed Plan A showing that forgiveness and a NEW and improved M is possible... and allowed the FWS time during Plan A for withdrawal from the OP... it's time for Plan D. Jim
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it is the fact that I don't know what he wants to do - does he want to recover the M or not? And that's not a DJ - that's exactly what he told me Tuesday night. He doesn't know what he wants. I know that making that decision will not stop his pain, but I feel like if we both know - YES, this M is what I/we want - that would give me a greater measure of confidence and help me cast out some of this fear This...this right here, is your biggest problem. You are paralyzed by fear and it isn't allowing you to REALLY do the hard work. You so badly want to know he is in 100% that you are wasting precious energy fretting about this and you aren't focused on meeting ENs (which is going to save your M while fretting about this isn't). I know this from experience because my H was the same way. He was constantly wanting to engage in conversation about our "future". He desperately wanted to know that I wasn't going anywhere, that he wasn't going to be served with D papers "tomorrow". He was clingy and desperate and it annoyed me. His CONFIDENCE (along with meeting ENs and avoiding LBers) and ENDURANCE are what brought me out of withdrawal. He stopped worrying about what *I* was going to do and focused on being the best H and father he could be. He did a great job of scheduling our UA time every week. He took me out on lots and lots of dates, he met my ENs. He didn't complain. He told me he understood that I couldn't meet his ENs right then, and why. He apologized to me every single day (he still does this) for hurting me and promises me that it's "just us" (our code word for NC). He tells me he loves me so many times a day I can't even count them all. He's very affectionate. He initiates SF often. He surprises me and takes me away for weekends alone, just the two of us. (notice this is all in the present tense because he STILL does all of these things. This is the ENDURANCE I am talking about. He's shown me that these changes are PERMANENT and not "just" to win me back). WPG, you need to show your husband CONFIDENCE that you can be a wife he won't WANT to leave. THAT is what is going to bring him out of withdrawal, but it won't happen today or next week or even next month. This is a long, slow process. Your ENDURANCE is needed here. This will help him to know that these changes are permanent and not transitory. Does this make sense? If I am not painting a clear picture of what I mean, let me know and I'll try again. This. I can't say how irritating it was every time I was asked things like "Do you see a future, can we be happy?" I don't know! I wasn't doing my best, but I'm not the one who had an A to "figure out" I wanted a happy M! Next year? Damn, I'm just trying to make it through today! I think there is now an understanding about this. I directly requested to never again hear/read the phrase "I just want to move forward." And either the future questions are affecting me less, or occurring less frequently. In fact, she told me the other night she is over the fear of me just throwing my hands up and walking away. Last night kind of sucked, and I should have not made my post (best practice) or not allowed FWW to read it. In fact, I think that's the last post in that vein I am ever going to make. She melted down and was hurting at a physical level because of it. She brought up the idea of "renewing our vows," but it's just not in the cards for me right now, nor in the future that I can foresee at this point. It feels like a BS fog - I can't see far ahead, and when I can see bright spots, I can't see the path that leads to it. Beyond that, I can't state anything better than MF is saying here. Whatever I do with my FWW, it's because the only thing she asks of me is what I need here and now.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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The BS cannot see into the future when the pain of the here and now is overwhelming and it takes every ounce of energy to just get through each and every day. It's a hard concept to explain to a FWS. Suffice it to say that the best way to help the BS through this is to do what is explained above.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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And it's not helpful for the FWS to demand, beg or plead for any promises of the future. If the BS isn't ready it's not even helpful to try to TALK about the future. I physically could not think about the future ~ it was just a blank space, there was nothing there.
I COULDN'T give any answers. I wasn't being difficult, there was just no vision for the future and it frustrated and annoyed me when I knew he wanted me to make promises. We'd been through so much, how could I promise anything when he had yet to prove to me that this time was different?
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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This...this right here, is your biggest problem. You are paralyzed by fear and it isn't allowing you to REALLY do the hard work. You so badly want to know he is in 100% that you are wasting precious energy fretting about this and you aren't focused on meeting ENs (which is going to save your M while fretting about this isn't). You're exactly right. I'm terrified. I have gotten to the point I have panic attacks. It absolutely consumes me. I plug along alright for a while, but then he crashes and it knocks the wind out of my sails - it's like the guy that was rolling the rock up the hill (Sisyphus? sp?) - I'm rolling that rock, rolling it and rolling it, and then BAM! something happens, I trip, stub my toe, my rock gets kicked away, and it rolls back to the bottom of the darn hill again. And then I freak out about it and run around it trying to figure out how to get the thing rolling back up the hill again. And by the same token that Dr. H talks about the BS becoming clingy and desperate to the WS, and how that will not draw them back into the M, even though here the roles are reversed, when my fear comes out in me I'm the clingy and desperate one. He didn't fall in love with me because I was clingy and desperate. I had to write a "vision statement" for one of my dares last week - in it I wrote that "I walk forward bold and confident, eager for the future." Well I was supposed to put it where I'd see it at least 3 times a day. Looks like I need to do a better job of sticking that right in front of my face. 'Cause truth be told, this has shaken my confidence in pretty much every area of my life and if throwing up blood last month was not a sign that I need to freaking chill out, I don't know what is. WPG, you need to show your husband CONFIDENCE that you can be a wife he won't WANT to leave. THAT is what is going to bring him out of withdrawal, but it won't happen today or next week or even next month. This is a long, slow process. Your ENDURANCE is needed here. This will help him to know that these changes are permanent and not transitory. Does this make sense? If I am not painting a clear picture of what I mean, let me know and I'll try again. I got it! I should get "no fear" tattooed on the inside of my eyelids. My mantra should be not "I NEED him" (whiny voice) but "I WANT him." I can do this. She brought up the idea of "renewing our vows," but it's just not in the cards for me right now, nor in the future that I can foresee at this point. yeah, I'm thinking that despite how I think JC was right-on in everything else, the new wedding ring idea...errr, maybe, not so much. Honestly very tempted to get rid of the new one I bought and then someday, if/when HE is ready, we get new rings together. I can do this. I gave birth to a 9+ pound baby with no drugs...I can do anything!!!  Thank you all...I'm off to start that rock going again...
FWW
"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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Bummer, I lost a post somehow.
One more thing my H did was to tell me: "I am not going anywhere. I love you and I am going to spend the rest of my life proving that I want you and no one else. I will not stop trying to prove this to you, ever. I am not going anywhere."
This was his mantra while I could not commit to anything. Even though I didn't always respond it meant a lot to me.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Bummer, I lost a post somehow.
One more thing my H did was to tell me: "I am not going anywhere. I love you and I am going to spend the rest of my life proving that I want you and no one else. I will not stop trying to prove this to you, ever. I am not going anywhere."
This was his mantra while I could not commit to anything. Even though I didn't always respond it meant a lot to me. Hear this quite often. How long till it finally started to take hold in your ears? WPG, remember that courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to act in the face of fear. Not letting your fears control you is true bravery. Head up!
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Hear this quite often. How long till it finally started to take hold in your ears? Not sure. I think I believed him all along, in fact even when he told me he never planned on leaving me (even during the A), despite what he said to his AP, I knew in my heart this was true. I knew deep down that he never wanted to leave; he was a classic cake eater. By the time we got to the point where he was saying this I was not worried about him leaving me. I was worried about ME leaving HIM. Somehow hearing him say this was still very helpful and solidified his commitment to me and our marriage and helped me invest in the M again.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Hear this quite often. How long till it finally started to take hold in your ears? Not sure. I think I believed him all along, in fact even when he told me he never planned on leaving me (even during the A), despite what he said to his AP, I knew in my heart this was true. I knew deep down that he never wanted to leave; he was a classic cake eater. By the time we got to the point where he was saying this I was not worried about him leaving me. I was worried about ME leaving HIM. Somehow hearing him say this was still very helpful and solidified his commitment to me and our marriage and helped me invest in the M again. echo... The ENTIRE situation w/ FWW was entirely cake-eating. Guess I can say I'm not worried about her leaving. She knows where the door is, and I don't care, she can have it all. DD12 may murder her in her sleep though... ah, daddy's girl. Wonder when I'll have to stop deciding to stay (converse to having it not be a thought)...
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Wonder when I'll have to stop deciding to stay (converse to having it not be a thought)... Hopefully you will never have to "decide"...the option will just slowly fade away until you know you aren't going anywhere. As our marriage has improved I've found this option just isn't...really an option anymore. Sure, if he had another A he'd be slapped with D papers so fast both of our heads would spin but aside from that...our M isn't something I want to leave. We've worked too hard and I know he worships the ground I walk on (for lack of a better term. That kind of has a negative connotation but I don't mean it that way. I could have said I know he loves me and I know that I love him, but really, it's so much more than that.)
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Joined: Oct 2010
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WPG, you out there......?
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Joined: Sep 2010
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Joined: Sep 2010
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Hey...I'm here. Busy day at work and I have a few minutes between meetings. Guess I don't have much else new or positive to post. I've appreciated the discussion and it gave me a lot to think about re: not letting my fear control me. So, having a kid-free evening Friday I determined to seduce my DH. Had dinner out later. Maybe where I messed up was Saturday, not having the kids I should have stayed home with him but I took my mom shopping instead, which we hadn't done in a while. Although after wandering around the mall for about 3 hours I remembered why I don't shop w/her more often... Anyway when he went to pick the kids up I stayed home and baked a cheesecake for him. Hung around the house together yesterday (after church - he didn't go w/us) and had my parents and grandma over for dinner last night - he smoked a turkey yesterday which was wonderful. I'm trying not to be desperate and clingy. Trying to just be myself, well, myself avoiding LBs and trying to meet his needs where I can. Don't know what else to do otherwise. And I'll keep on doing it. I'll love him regardless of being afraid of what's going to happen. And I always will. But the pessimist in me says, I do feel like I am going to lose him. He still seems in a bad place. Won't talk to me about anything, the last convo we had was the day after the poly. otherwise we talk about "safe" stuff. The kids, stuff we're wanting to do to the house. I tell him about my day, mainly to let him see O&H. Sorry this is a drive-by, I've got to get back to work. I know that last bit is a downer, I promise to check back in later!
FWW
"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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Maybe where I messed up was Saturday, not having the kids I should have stayed home with him but I took my mom shopping instead, which we hadn't done in a while Yep, big mistake. You only do activities with other people when and IF your 15+ hours UA time has been met. Do not do this again. It's a little shocking to me that you had a child-free day and you chose to spend it with your mom while your marriage is in the toilet??? I can think of 100 things we would do if we had a child-free day and it sure wouldn't include shopping with my mom! Let's work on a shift in thinking here, okey dokey? My DH had an affair with someone he met while partaking in many IBs, someone he had a "common interest" with. While we had a few RC things we did together, it was not enough. Not nearly enough. Now we do not do RC activities that do not include each other, or very, very rarely and we NEVER do them if our UA time hasn't been met. That is our #1 priority and guess what? It's also our favorite time of the week. Yesterday was my birthday and DH wasn't feeling well. I could have gone shopping or to lunch with a friend but instead I hung out at the house with him all day ~ we took a nap together and watched TV until finally in the late afternoon he felt good enough to go to a movie and out to dinner. Even though he wasn't feeling well and for my birthday I didn't REALLY want to sit around the house all day, I did because it was "our time". I wasn't about to miss that! Shift your thinking, WPG...you are not placing your DH as your #1 priority and that's going to hurt your marriage. UA time is crucial.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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P.S. wanting to do things with him and hanging out with him does not mean you are desperate and clingy. Be confident in your role as a wife and you will not come across this way.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1
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Hey...I'm here. Busy day at work and I have a few minutes between meetings. Guess I don't have much else new or positive to post. I've appreciated the discussion and it gave me a lot to think about re: not letting my fear control me. So, having a kid-free evening Friday I determined to seduce my DH. Had dinner out later. Maybe where I messed up was Saturday, not having the kids I should have stayed home with him but I took my mom shopping instead, which we hadn't done in a while. Although after wandering around the mall for about 3 hours I remembered why I don't shop w/her more often... Anyway when he went to pick the kids up I stayed home and baked a cheesecake for him. Hung around the house together yesterday (after church - he didn't go w/us) and had my parents and grandma over for dinner last night - he smoked a turkey yesterday which was wonderful. I'm trying not to be desperate and clingy. Trying to just be myself, well, myself avoiding LBs and trying to meet his needs where I can. Don't know what else to do otherwise. And I'll keep on doing it. I'll love him regardless of being afraid of what's going to happen. And I always will. But the pessimist in me says, I do feel like I am going to lose him. He still seems in a bad place. Won't talk to me about anything, the last convo we had was the day after the poly. otherwise we talk about "safe" stuff. The kids, stuff we're wanting to do to the house. I tell him about my day, mainly to let him see O&H. Sorry this is a drive-by, I've got to get back to work. I know that last bit is a downer, I promise to check back in later! If he is going to talk about it, if he wants to, he will. Or, he might not and move forward. "Safe" conversation is still conversation. Cherish that. Seek that. Encourage it when you can. This is how you can show him things can be "normal" between you. Capice?
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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