Alright, let me first start off by saying I was debating whether to put my story in this, or the military forum. I am trying to get the most visibility for it, so I think this is the proper place for it.

Lets see, where to begin. This is going to be pretty long, I apologize for my lack of brevity. I feel that everything I type has something to do with our situation.

My wife and I have been married 3 1/2 years, and have no children.

In 2008, I deployed to Iraq for 1 year. My wife and I had been married for about 1 1/2 years at the time, and she moved up to Alaska (where I was stationed) to get married and be with me. When I left, she had no one up there, and was on her own. Some pretty bad stuff happened while I was gone, her father died the day she graduated from Survival School (where they torture you, lock you in small cages, beat you, etc. She is military too) which was also the day before her birthday. I got to come home for a week for his funeral, then it was right back to Iraq with me. That December, she lost driving privileges on base. That really sucks when you live on base, not to mention we live in Alaska, where its -65f outside. So she doesn't really know anyone, can't drive, and I am not there to help her with anything. When I got back, I played video games pretty heavily (think 10 hours a day on the worst days) and didn't spend much time with my wife. My counselor says I probably had a tough time adjusting to life back home, and went off into my own little world with playing games. The reasoning doesn't matter, but the effect it had does. My wife's primary love language (yes, I've been reading a lot) is Quality Time. I didn't meet that, in fact I did the exact opposite. So she had a really tough time while I was deployed, then I came home and instead of being there for her, letting her know that she is important to me, and spending time with her, I spent my time in front of a computer.

Shortly after returning from Iraq, we moved down to California. She was just making friends, and getting settled in Alaska, and we had to move. So down to CA we go.

We arrive in CA summer of 2009, and start looking to buy our first home. Before we close on it, my wife breaks down into tears and tells me she was raped by a guy while I was gone. She was out at a bar with friends she worked with at the ski hill, celebrating passing a course, and she got drunk and got a ride to some guys house who lived close by. We lived an hour away from where she worked, and no one else lived near the base. She said the guy started massaging her, and then she froze. To quote her "I can't stop 215lbs of determined muscle." I was angry, selfishly thinking that she led him on, or should have known not to go home with him. As I am typing this, I am only now really realizing how wrong I was to think that. She was raped, she needed my support. I failed her once again.

So I was angry, yet still said "I forgive you." What the hell? I forgive her? What a slap in the face. That puts blame on her, even though that wasn't my intent.

We bought the house, moved in, and found out that I wasn't allowed to take any leave due to being "On Alert." So basically, I cannot go outside of a 3 hour driving window. No vacations for us. We did get to spend two weeks in Vegas together, for a hockey tournament both of us play on the same team for. And we went snowboarding at Tahoe almost every weekend. So we did spent some good time together, but I still spent a lot of time with video games. During the week I would have planned times, and I would fill my spare time playing as well.

This past spring, I deployed again, this time to Afghanistan. It was short, lasting only 4 1/2 months, but during that time I started noticing some changes in her. I can't but my finger on any one thing, but I noticed there was something different. I know now she was having an emotional affair with a guy she met while I was gone. They met riding motorcycles together, and he helped work on her bike, and they rode together. She wanted to rent out the spare room to him, to which I refused. (One of the few good choices I feel I've made in my marriage)

When I got back, I knew our marriage was headed south. We both went to a counselor, and during that I learned a lot. This was my first foray into actually working on my marriage. Before this, I had always thought everything was gravy, and our love was strong, and we were different. I felt that because I would always ask her "Are you happy?" To which she would reply "Yes." I figured she was telling the truth. Yes, open up the dictionary to naive, and I'll be smiling back at you. She is never open about her feelings, to anyone. So I get very little feedback on the choices I make. Its a challenge for her to open up to someone, and we both know and admit that. So during this session with a counselor I learned a TON about ourselves. It was just one session. Both of us agreed that we wanted to work on our marriage in that session, and I really started to think about my actions, and being a better husband.

Then, three days later she volunteered for a deployment. A week or so later she was off to training for a month and a half. During this training I noticed a very large change. My love language is words of affection, and I noticed she wouldn't display affection when I called her and someone else was around her. If I said I love you, she would return it quickly and muffled. A few times not at all. She started smoking, which she used to think was disgusting.

So when she came back for 2 1/2 weeks between her training, she was different. She was cold, and always on her phone, and hiding it from me. She had a password on her phone, and would shield it away from me when she was texting on it. This was new. The amount of time she spent on her phone was also dramatically increased. The 2nd or 3rd day she was back, we had a pretty large argument because I didn't like the change I was seeing. She seemed to not care about me anymore, and I confronted her about that. She said to me "I don't want to do this anymore." To which I said "Do what." Her reply: "Be married."

Well I sobbed, pleaded forgiveness, etc. She remained stoic the entire conversation. The next morning she got promoted to the next rank, and the whole day I spent with her saying "I love you." Probably annoyed the hell out of her. Lol. Well the day after that, I checked her phone. I had learned her password, which was unknown to her. I found a text conversation between her and her guy. I didn't know what to think. I knew something was amiss, and this was it. She was having an affair.

While at training, she met an Army dude, and through hanging out together (remember, quality time) he filled the emotional gap that I had left. Of course one thing led to another, and voil�.

After some rage, I calmed down, and convinced her to go seek help right then and there. So off to a chaplain we went, mostly my wanting to, not so much her. During the discussion with him, I didn't bring up the affair. I was trying to respect her. What I took from that meeting was that if I wanted to win her back, or convince her that our marriage is worth working on, I need to spend time with her. That's what got her to fall in love with me, and that's what I need to do.

So I did. I had a little over one week left. We went out to dinner to celebrate her getting promoted to the next rank. Which led to a nice walk while eating ice cream together. We went to the movies, twice. We played a hockey game together. Then I took her camping for 3 days, surfing for one of those. We went wake boarding two days (which was how we fell in love). We decided to have a cookout together, so we bought new patio furniture together and invited everyone we knew over. The last night she was here I made her a candle lit dinner, and we talked a little.

Then she went off to more training. While she was there we had almost no time to talk together, because she was doing 16 hour days, mostly out in the field learning how to fight and whatnot.

The day she graduated from that, I flew across the US to where he training was, and took her on a surprise shopping spree, then a 4 star dinner at a place that I knew was significant to her. (Her training just so happened to be right where she grew up, and she had told me stories about this restaurant)

The next morning, she was off. To Afghanistan she goes. She was back to saying "I love you." We even made love in the shower before she had to get ready for her flight.

I thought I was doing a good job, of showing she mattered to me.

Then after about two weeks of her being in the desert I got an email which contained this:

"Honestly, I've been thinking about getting divorced since you went to Afghanistan.
When I went to (training place) and met (guy) I felt what I'd missed feeling for the past 3 years. I missed feeling important. Like I'm not just another part of your life, I'm THE BEST part of it. I wasn't planning on meeting anyone. I didn't go there with any intentions, but when I came back I did want to at least try to find that feeling with you again, only you ended up reading his text and after that I honestly don't want to give you another chance. You were perfectly right to be angry with me, I don't blame you for that, what I did was wrong. But it made me realize that I don't want to be married; and I don't think I'm capable of loving you or want to be loved by you anymore. You didn't want to give me the time of day when you had it and only now when you're faced with the possibility of me leaving do you change your mind...but I've made up my mind too and I'd rather we just both moved on."

That was about 3 weeks ago now. That email was brought about because I asked her via chat if she had been thinking about us.

Since that email, I have not asked nor said anything about our marriage, or "us." Our communications are limited, and it has been mostly one sided. Per advice from multiple places, I am trying to keep everything I send her/say to her positive. Not trying to control her, or question her. Just trying to talk. Our chats are very brief. She also called me once, since that email. I wasn't expecting that. A few times shes ended the conversations with a "<3" as we said goodbye or goodnight.

I know I have been far too wordy. Again, sorry.
So here are some things to know.

I have not told her mother yet, but I am on good terms with her and talk every other day with her mother. Her mom wants us to work it out.

Since receiving that email, the only conversation we've had about "us" has been started by her, it involved her asking if I had told my own mother (whom we both respect very much so) about "her, her training, her and (guy)"

I am so confused as to where her head is at.
I am petrified because she is away until late March, and with other guys. She sent the guy a text message saying she didn't have feelings for him, and told him not to leave his own wife for her because there was nothing there for him. She is still Facebook friends with the guy, and said she has chatted a few times on AIM with him. He might also deploy to the same location as her, come January.

So, to wrap it up, my questions.

What do I make of all this?
In counseling before she left, she said she doesn't want to work on it anymore.
I get an email saying her mind is made up, and she just wants to move on.
But then she has started paying bills (which she never did in the past, and was a contention point.)
She called me just to talk once.
She seemed concerned about me telling our mothers.
A few chat conversations have ended in <3's

Again, what should I think? What should I feel?
I'm so damn confused.

I still love her, deeply.

Welcome to the MB, the best place to be in your circumstances.

I hope you will read a lot of stuff here.

But a few points for start:

1) As long as there is an affair, your marriage will not recover. Even more - as long as there is any kind of contact between affair partners, your marriage will not recover.
2) Recovery can start AFTER affair is killed.
3) You cannot outromance the OM.
4) The best weapon to kill the affair is exposure.
5) Exposure should be done without warning OM or WW and within shortest time possible. Exposure should start from OMW.

Start reading HERE.

Sorry you've had to find your way here, Woot.

At this point, you are just one of multiple options for her, and it seems pretty clear that she's keeping her options open, which is the opposite of commitment.

What recon6mo has advised is correct.

It's going to be very hard for you to kill the affair while you're separated. It will be impossible for you to ensure that she has no contact with the other guy(s).

Exposure is your best bet. You can let her parents know what she's up to, and you'd be well advised to do it ASAP & without warning her or obtaining her agreement beforehand, although if you haven't saved hard-copy evidence, then you may find that people are reulctant to believe you, as it may turn into a "he-said, she-said" situation from their viewpoint, if she chooses to obfuscate & lie about events.

If the guy or guys she's in touch with are ever in her unit, then there may be "no-fraternization-rules" angles to consider, and perhaps you could get some traction by informing her CO then. I'd think that the military forum might also have some advice from that angle.

Exposing this affair to EVERYONE will most likely change your wife's mind about a "divorce" yes she will be mad but your marriage can survive with the anger but it CAN NOT survive with an active affair.

You need to make that decision to tell everyone even her commands and the OM's commands about this affair, they knew the consequences when they first started, and plus if this affair was supposed to be "meant to be" then why not tell everyone that your wife found someone else??

With out exposing you are actually enabling the affair to continue, affairs ONLY thrive on secrecy, the longer you wait the harder it will be to get your wife back.

Your decision

The reason I am so reluctant to expose the affair is because she hasn't said that she wants to work on our marriage. In fact she said quite the opposite.

How would exposing it help if she wants to end the marriage?

I don't think her mind is completely made up, but its on the fence. Wouldn't "telling" her mom, just push her farther away?

Woot, let me put it to you this way: Right NOW, your wife is NOT COMMITTED to you. In other words, she is ALREADY "away." You're worried about pushing her away, but she is ALREADY "away." Think about that.

You have a limited set of options for winning her back. NONE of them can work unless the affair(s) is (or are) dead.

To kill an affair, you need to make her realize what it will cost her. Right now, it's costing her NOTHING. She's still got you hanging on the line, she's still got the esteem of her family, the esteem of her friends, and no problems with her chain-of-command. She's able to have her cake & eat it too.

Do you want her back after she's been personal hose-bag for 4 different sergeants? Are you going to wait around for her after that? I didn't think so. So then what you've gotta do now, pal, is KILL the affair. Since you're separated from her due to deployment, you have low odds of doing this successfully as it is; but if you don't raise the cost, then you have NO chance at all.

What exposure does is, it starts to make the cost of an affair apparent to the affairee. When I was in my affair, I wasn't actually "on the fence" -- I wanted to stay in my marriage; but at the time, I had twistedly reconciled myself to being happy with getting some affection/attention/sex/companionship on the side, even though I knew how wrong it was, because it wasn't costing me anything. However, once the affair was exposed to the other woman's husband, that created the possibility & awareness of major costs: My wife was certain to find out eventually; maybe she'd dump me. Maybe the other woman's husband would want to shoot me in the neck like I deserved, too. Even without those extremes, the costs I was suddenly looking at were huge. Once the other woman called to tell me that her husband knew about us, I spent about one nanosecond calculating those costs, and decided to break it off, confess to my wife & throw myself on her mercy. And then that's what I did. I realize now that without exposure, though, I almost certainly would've stayed in the affair at the time. I didn't start getting my head straight until after the light of day fell on that awful situation. Daylight/sunshine, exposure -- is what kills affairs better than anything.

How's YOUR way of killing affairs working out for ya?

There are two things that might happen when you expose.

1.) You expose this affair she get's real upset and probably end up leaving, but the fog will lift and she will realize the damage she has done to you and to the marriage. You start setting new boundaries in this marriage and have an open and honest relationship a marriage that will last 75 years or more.

OR

2.) You expose this affair she get's real upset and leaves and files for a divorce, you grieve the loss of a marriage. Though you find someone who will treat you respectfully someone who cherishes a marriage and a family. You have learned from your mistakes and you are a better person after the divorce.

Those are the two things that might happen.

Now lets see the results what will happen when YOU DON'T EXPOSE! and end this affair.

A big FAT DIVORCE!!

Now which one are you willing to take? Are you willing to fight for this marriage? If so then by all means EXPOSE THIS AFFAIR if not, then do yourself a HUGE favor and file for a divorce.

Woot - the reason she doesn't want to be married is because of her affair pure and simple. Exposure will help end the affair. You should actually get some help through the army as her superior officer will order them to not see each other any more. In the military you have a lot more assistance than civilians in ending affairs.

dude - do you think that if you step back let her date and sleep with other men, that *then* she'll want to be married to you?

And how long will YOU want her if that's the only way she'll stay?

I don't think she doesn't want to be married due to the affair. I think she was really unhappy with our marriage, and because of that an affair was allowed to happen.

The affair just tacks on the whole "so now our marriage is worthless."

I'm sorry to all of the responses, but I don't know if I am capable of telling her mom. I don't know why, probably because I know it will hurt her, and I still feel the need to protect her.

I honestly feel like if I tell on her, I won't have a chance. So I don't want to.

Was that principle described in your marriage vows?


Yes, it will hurt but it will hurt her affair. It will hurt because she choosed the way that has painful consequences. You should not shield your wife from these, she is not your child. She actually loves you less because she can walk over you. If you do not value yourself why should others?

Exposure will not hurt your marriage. Vice versa, the chances for recovery are actually much much greater after that.


Woot, I do understand what you are talking about. But same kind of fear caused 9 months false recovery for me. The affair really ended only after exposure to OMW. My W posts now here.

If you make decisions only based on feelings then you are not better than your WW.

As long as the she is in the affair, you have no chance.

You have got this all wrong. But don't worry, we all have - before MB.

Expose immediately and start from OMW.

Exposure message should not be "telling" but should deliver the facts:

- your wife has an affair
- you want to restore your marriage
- you are asking their help

The fact that your WW does not want to be married anymore should not matter - you want and you fight!

And what if she has actually broken the affair off?

Of course there is no way for me to know that for sure, but hypothetical situation.

Woot - you won't be able to get people here to agree with your reluctance to expose - it can be a normal reaction for a BS - but no one here will be having any of that bullcrap.

You have to decide if you want to save your marriage. Your excuses for inaction here are guaranteed to end in your divorce. You are being controlled by your fear.

This is grasping at straws.

Like EVERYONE has told you YOU NEED TO EXPOSE THE AFFAIR NOW!!!

You have to end her affair and her desire for future affairs by making it clear you will not stand by helplessly and let her walk all over you while you allow her to have sex with other men!!!

No woman is going to respect a man that allows his wife to do that.

What she is doing is called cake eating because you are allowing her to have you AND her other man. Why would she stop her affair if her emotional needs are being met by TWO men???

Stop being afraid and expose them to everyone that has influence with them!!!

The people here will help you do this step by step.

Start reading.

Do NOT bring her to this site yet or tell her anything about it as there are things that you must do before that time.

God bless.

Jim

Everyone that are scared to expose and wait and wait and wait, then finally get's the balls to do so ALWAYS I mean ALWAYS say..

"Why haven't I exposed earlier??? If I would have known..."

OMG we get so many like this, so please do your self a favor and avoid a "told you so" and

EXPOSE

Alright, so its now 4am (well 3am with the time change) and I've been awake all night thinking.

Since before I started this thread I've been thinking about "exposing" it. With all the responses it has me thinking that even more.

Before I even found this website, I had written up a long email I was going to send to the OMW, but the only way I had her name was through his facebook, he changed his profile to no longer include her, and now he is no longer even friends with my wife.

Well, before yall jump on the hate train, I have indeed decided that its not going to be a secret anymore. Its really tough to trust a bunch of anonymous people on the internet, even if its from a site made out to save marriages. I talked it over with my own mother (whom I really trust) and she agreed with me that I should inform my wife's family.

Now I run into a problem: The only person I can think to tell, is her mother. So I'm going to give her a call tomorrow and talk to her. We are on good terms, and we both care about my wife. The problem is, does my wife care?

Yall mention tell her chain, but I have no points of contact for them. I'm sure I can get them, but truthfully I'm only half worried about the guy that she had the affair with. I'm more worried about people she is with now, since that's who shes spending recreational time with. I don't know their names, or even if she does hang out with guys, but I know her. I'm positive she is hanging out with guys, affair or not. So I can't exactly call up and say: Hey, keep my wife away from all males. Yes, in Dec I can ask that they keep her separated from the original guy, but I have a feeling its over. Still going to though.

So what do I do? I tell her Mom, and then what?
Truthfully, one of my fears is that my wife will blow up, and sever all communication with me. Yeah, I know its easy for yall to say: Well if you don't, you'll lose in the long run. Thats fine, and you might be right, but I'm still very much attached, and have quite a few fears.

So yeah, I'm gonna inform her Mom, past that, I really have no clue what to do.

What about OMW - do you just leave it like that? You dont remember her name anymore? I do not understand. There is more ways to find her contact info than FB.

It is good that you are going to speak to her mom but the best option is to contact mom and OMW at the same time.

Of course your wife will be angry have no doubts about that. Your marriage will survive her anger but not her affairs.

As far as I understood then your wife already has severed all communication with you. At least the communication that should exist between husband and wife. You have already lost her.

Have you read Plan A and B here, there are pretty good guidelines for people like you.

Exposure is strongly suggested as prerequisitive for recovery by dr Harley himself and this man is everything else but anonymous.

Hello Woot,

Am I correct that your WW is on active duty in the military?

If so, and you can correct me if I'm mistaken, isn't adultery a violation of military law and subject to review and discipline by her commanding officer?

If so, they would be on your list of people to expose her to, in addition to EVERYONE on her facebook list of friends...

One additional note, do not expose one person at a time it MUST be done all at once and without warning or she will spin it and try to rewrite things if you give her time. Don't do it. EXPOSE all at once to everyone and leave her no one to lie to about her adultery.

You can do this. Just make sure you follow the steps people are advising you and don't freelance it or try to do an "Exposure Lite"...

Read all of the information Dr.Harley had written on exposure and follow the steps....ALL AT ONCE IS CRITICAL!!!

God bless.

Jim

One reason I know I ended up d'd was b/c there was nobody to expose to really for my xwh.

In the end, it turned out his dad was a ws, and had cheated on his w multiple times, and it was no big deal to them.

But Woot, you have AMAZING possibilities with exposure. The mom of your ww would put pressure on her to end it, and the way the military is run (I'm an af brat)frowns on adultery and penalizes those who take part in stuch stupid behavior. Plus the om is married (the ow in my case was unmarried) and that's huge! You can expose to the w.

It is not easy. It does make the ws angry. I exposed to my xwh's sister and it made him very mad. But there wasn't enough pressure on him to see light of day and the sins of the affair.

Affairs are lies. A form of stealing if you will, and thieves burglarize homes in the dark. Rarely will you see someone break in during the day right? Plus it's like turning the light on in the middle of a burglary. Catching the burglar usually makes the theif flee right? Right.

Affairs are also based on crazy twisted stupid fantasies that usually don't pan out in real life, thus that portion of the affair is also in the dark along with the cheating and lies.

When you expose, you make them see it is a very bad choice. That an ema is a stupid decision, causes personal destruction, hurts families, and reveals lies and deceptions. Not desirable qualities. In fact, makes a person look rather bad. Thus, exposure kills affairs if not immediately, than shortly thereafter.

You have the gift of having people to expose to, and ramifications which will face your ww if she doesn't end her ema. My ex didn't have alot of that. At work his partner in the company was a wh. His dad was a wh. His mom was a bw who enabled her ws. So all I could really do was a limited exposure to my family and our mutual friends, and his sister.

Had I been given a gift of perfect exposure like you've gotten maybe history might have been different. But today I am glad it went as it did. I'm very happy now and have been so for five years.

Please take the advice of the ws here who wrote your who ended due to exposure and the advice of others and me. We may be strangers, but we lived a hell and are still alive and able to tell it and help others and we care.