I wouldnt want to hear it - you already know it's history was been rewritten to make you look like the bad guy and that justifies the cheating.

Funny you and I are in the same place - WH is deployed,and I have to do a long distance Plan A.

About reestablishing communication I'm not sure how much longer you have to wait.

By saying that do you mean I might not have that long? Ie. If I don't start trying now I'll lose the chance to re establish it.

Or more along the lines of you don't have a clue how long I should wait.

Hello Woot,

Good job on exposing. Just make sure you exposed to EVERYONE that has ANY influence with her including her parents, close relatives and ALL friends on facebook. You don't want to have to go back later and have to redo exposure because you did a half way job...

As far as when to resume contact you really should post HERE first what you are going to say to her preferably in a letter.

It is very important that you understand that exposure was NOT to punish her but just to end the affair and that point is important to convey to her that it WAS NOT punishment but to slay the dragon that is destroying your marriage.

Do you know what her most important emotional needs are? That would be where you will be most effective with your Plan A.

Start a love letter to her and post it here for the folks here to take a look at. Easier to rewrite it than to wish you hadn't sent the wrong message.

You're doing fine, just don't get in a rush right now. Let the exposure work and if she does try to file any papers STALL because TIME is on your side.

Jim

Ohh yes, it's quite obvious now what her primary emotional need is.

Time together.

We fell in love by doing stuff together, didn't matter what it was, we just did it together. Like one of our first dates, I ended up beaming her in the head with a raquett ball. We laughed our asses off, but she fell deeper in love because we did it together. We met and started hanging out because she wanted to go wakeboarding with me.

She had the affair with the other dude because "he made me feel special."
Translation: they spent quality time doing stuff together. They went hiking, to museums, into caves, etc. together. So naturally her "love bank" started filling for him. I realize she is human, and that's the natural thing for her to feel.

This is where a great deal of my personal frustration comes from. What is the number one thing you cannot do when one person is deployed?

Spend time together.

Its so incredibly obvious to me now, I have no clue how I never realized it all along. It wasn't until I read a marriage book that it clicked. Too bad I read that after she had already deployed.

I am horrible at writing letters, but here is what I've got.


Love letter

My dearest love,

I have been daydreaming about you all week at school, so I wanted to write to you and tell you how I feel.

I have written you letters in the past trying to describe the feelings that I have for you, but I have yet to do your beauty, sweetness, caring, warmth, your heart, or our love justice. Not because I don't have feelings for these things, in fact it's exactly the opposite. I don't have the words to express how great they are. You literally leave me speechless.

When we first met, and I got those first words out "where's my rose?" then you smiled at me, it took my breath away. I didn't say anything after that, because I couldn't. Lol. You handed me that card, and I was so nervous I didn't know what to do. I get that same feeling every time I go to the airport to see you again, my stomach full of flutterbyes, hoping I don't say anything dumb. To this day, you still take my breath away.

Your heart is the greatest prize I have ever won. It may even be my greatest failure of never being able to fully give you the level of love and devotion you undoubtedly deserve. The sacrifices you've made, and will make in the future, for others is something to be strived for by everyone. The desire that you have to help others, comes straight from your heart and is absolutely amazing to see and experience. If everyone had a heart as big as yours, there would be no conflict in this world.

Your beauty is beyond what I ever thought possible. Your eyes have the ability to light up any dark situation, then your smile makes my stomach leap so high in surprised you can't see it. When we are together, I do everything I can think of to make you smile, because I love the feeling that you are happy.

I will never be able to fully communicate to you how much I truly love you, but I will never stop trying. I'm holding you in my heart now, and I always will. Forever and ever.

Hello Woot,

Sounds fine as an initial contact with her after exposure.

You DO realize she is going to hand you your a$$ and try to tell you how she was going to end the affair, that you ruined everything, blah, blah blah...

It's the usual script and PAY NO ATTENTION TO IT other than to remain respectful and not reply directly to anything negative she says.

The important thing is to remain focused on your Plan A and your desire to recover the marriage with her.

If she CALLS you you must NOT engage her in an argument, just let it roll off your back because what she says right now is not how she feels or you would already be divorced.

Focus on thinking of ways to meet her emotional needs and how much you want to repair your marriage.

DO NOT BRING HER HERE YET OR SHOW HER THE SITE YET.

Your doing fine.

Just remember to breathe...

JIm

Thanks.

Another friend contacted me today saying that he and his wife are going to try and help save our marriage.

He chatted with her a few times, and got told I always spent my time playing WoW. My wife said that our entire marriage she felt like a room mate, we got along really well, but didn't feel like we were married. I don't know exactly what that means, but I take it as I wasn't meeting her emotional needs. My friend asked "Well what would James have to change in order to make it work?" to which she replied there is nothing that I could do.

So what do yall think of this? What do yall think of the letter?
Ohh and for the record, I think the affair has been over. So I don't believe telling everyone "ended" it. I think it already was, but now people know about it.

Woot,

ALL WS say "there is nothing you can do" so don't concern yourself with that statement...

You DO have an important ally in your friends PARTICULARLY if your W is friends with your friends wife.

Women tend to listen more to other women than to men about a husband's past and future behavior...

You need to have your friend convince your friends wife that you CAN and WILL change your behavior toward your W because you now see what you were doing wrong in the past and that you WILL correct it and be the man your W can fall in love with again.(Remembering that you did NOTHING to cause her to have an affair but that you and your W were BOTH responsible for the condition of the M at the time of the affair.

Your W will be looking to see if the change in you is PERMANENT or TEMPORARY just to get her back. Your letter is good that you tell her that you still love her even though there was an affair and that there is hope for the future.

The basis of MB plans and the LOVE DARE is that there is CONSISTENCY WITHOUT expecting anything right away. You need to check it out and remember that in Plan A you are showing her that a GOOD marriage is possible NOT to see immediate return to the M by her.

You need to CONTINUE meeting her emotional needs as best you can at a distance with letters, cards, small gifts WITH THOUGHT behind them to generate in her the IDEA that you have TRULY changed and that a GOOD MARRIAGE is possible.

Just remember that you will see NOTHING in the beginning to give you hope. THAT is why you come here to read and learn and to vent if necessary to US not at HER.

READ EVERYTHING YOU CAN HERE. Probably any question you have has been answered in either in the forum or Dr.Harley's BASIC CONCEPTS and articles.

Get busy and send your letter and be thinking of what you are going to do next. Remember that it's not just a once in a while thing it needs to be consistent and utilize whatever influence your friends have for support.

It's time to cowboy up.

Jim

Alright, thank you for the words of encouragement.

Earlier this morning she posted this on her FB for everyone to see.

"I feel more like a stranger every time I come home. And I just want to make a clean escape, I know I'm leaving, but I don't know where to."

Thoughts?

Woot,

What did I just tell you they ALL say...

That there is nothing he can do, I know I'm leaving, blah, blah, blah...

What have YOU been doing?

Have you been doing what everyone here and Dr.Harley says you should be doing?

Quit worrying about HER and think about what YOU are doing!!!

How can we help you if all your are doing is telling us about what SHE is saying because you are doing NOTHING!!!

Get busy!

Jim

Woot,

Wherever she is deployed she can probably receive packages.

Send her a package with a pictures of you two when you were in love with each other and a note saying you are sorry that you let things get to the point they did in your M and that you look forward to proving to her that you can be the husband you had promised to be. Things that stay around and remind her of you guys and what you once were together...

Jim

Hmm, I guess I have only been talking about her.

I have been rather busy myself too. I put a lot of effort into my last care package, and I'm currently putting another one together. Wow looking at my previous posts I completely forgot to write about it. Here is what I put into a package she received about a week ago:

I baked her some brownies.
I bought her a closet organizer that hangs from like two coat hangers. In each shelf I hung with yarn a picture of us. So when she opened it and let it fall down to hang it, six pictures were looking back at her.
I created a hand made card from construction paper that on the front had a short bus, then on the inside was the rows of seats like inside the bus, then inside the seats I cut out a funny picture we have where she is licking the side of my face. I wrote in crayon: you're special to me. With a tongue smiley and said I love you. It was to make her laugh.
I filled a USB thumb drive with videos that I had taken of me basically talking to her. Showing her things, like the tent I slept in while I was at an exercise, and the cats, or me making brownies.
At the suggestion of a friend, I wore a shirt every night to bed after I got out of the shower. Then once it smelled like me (clean me) I ziplocked it.
I also included two nerf guns and darts, so she can have a little fun. As well as some lotion she requested I get for her.

Her letter is going out tonight that you read earlier.

Woot,

There you go!

Glad you included that you were working on some things...starting to wonder if you were listening or not.

It might be a good idea to write down some of the things you have learned about how to be a better H and where you kind of got on the wrong track - take ownership of your mistakes in the marriage AND what you are doing to correct sthem for her...


Along with continuing to send her pictures of you guys and your dreams for the two of you i.e. movies you'd like to see, vacation literature you would like to go on, dinner menus from places she might like, recreational activities (paintball, disc golf, horseback riding you get the idea.

Give her some ideas of what the NEW you is going to be doing.

Having her gone is going to mean that you have to be a little creative about giving her VISUAL IMAGES of what she can expect from you. Get LOTS of visual items like the above for her to actually SEE what you have in mind. Mrs.Flint always was one for little stuffed ponys and horseback rides.

Jim

I'm currently putting together her Christmas gift package. Ive run out of pictures since my hard drive crashed, and all our pics are on the external she has with her.

Her big present is a full set of camping gear, but that's going to be at the house and I'm going to send her a pic of it all set up through email.

Then so she has something to open, I got her a set of headphones she asked for a long time ago. Some chocolate, some bubbles (like kid bubbles), Chapstick, and a 2ft tall Christmas tree with some lights and bulbs. I'm wrapping all the gifts so she can put them under her tree.

I'm still looking for a few more small gifts that I can send to complete the package.

Woot,

That's fine about the Christmas package but you really need to be doing things NOW for her to be thinking about...

She's lonely...

and if you don't get busy she won't be lonely long. (Shamelessly plagarized from the country song)

You need to be SHOWING her what you are working on (new attitudes, new priorities in your life) through letters and small gifts with thought behind them NOW.

You have to convince her that she is not coming back to the same old tired M you guys had. The ONLY way she can KNOW that you have changed is if you SHOW her right now with things that she can actually see.

Jim

Mmkay.

I made a facebook post the other day to everyone basically stating that I had had a video game addiction. In it I stated how i knew it really hurt her to deal with it. I said that for the first time in my life I didn't have a single video game on my computer. I also posted screenshots of me deleting them. In those screenshots was proof that I hadn't played them in 2 months. I apologized to my friends, family, and co workers. Then wrote a sentence apologizing just to her. I haven't asked her about it, since I dont want it to seem like "look what I did, see how good I am? Won't you come back?"

So I'll write her a letter tonight, and I need to figure out some things to send her. Hmmm...

Woot,

You mentioned you had exposed to your WW mother the other day.

What was her attitude toward you? Was it supportive and hoping you two could resolve your issues?

If so, you have a tremendous ally in her and I would call her for any insight or suggestions she might have for you. Remember that you are admitting to her that you made mistakes in the marriage too and want to recover your marriage with your wife BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER AND MEANT YOUR VOWS AND WANT TO REMAIN MARRIED FOR LIFE.

Jim

Yes, I did tell her mother. Her mom and I have a decent relationship, both of us caring strongly about my wife. I have already said almost those exact words to her, and I restate then probably every time we talk.

She strongly feels that we should try to work out our marriage. That's what she tells me. However I feel that she is reluctant to try and push my wife towards that. She told ms she would write my wife a letter about it, and has told my wife in the past the following:

"marriage is a commitment."
"there were times when I didnt love your dad, but we stayed together"
"you should wait untill you are back to make any decisions."

But I personally feel like she isn't pushing hard enough. I think she fears angering my wife to much, to really put pressure on her. It's frustrating.

I still talk to her mother regularly, and everytime it's usually "no I haven't heard anything."

The advice she has given me is "make sure you don't push her away right now."

Woot,

Your MIL is right AND wrong about one thing...

pushing her away.

Women LEAVE for NEGLECT and you not doing the right things now WILL cause her to continue to pull away. The trick for you is to make sure you are focusing on filling her love bank by meeting the RIGHT emotional needs...

but not throwing a bunch of things in the love bank she does not want or need which will blur the emotional needs you ARE meeting.

You are going for QUALITY not QUANTITY.

Ask her mom what she knows as far as EN's that she may be able to help identify for you. Things that she may have expressed you had been lacking in or she had always wanted to try.

Jim

The only feedback I've really gotten on that is:

"She was really upset that you didn't spend more time together before she left for training."

and believe me, I've asked. So its pretty much what I already knew, I didn't spend enough time with her.

That is a really tough need to fill right now, since she is away. But what I am doing is finding clippings, flyers, and brochures for things I think would be fun to do together. For example, two nights ago I noticed an indoor go-kart track just opened up really close to us. Well previously we had traveled an hour and a half south, just to go to one of these places. So I grabbed the flyer, and I'm going to send it to her saying "Hey look! Now we can do this much closer to home!"

I've bought her a couple of snowboard magazines, which is the number one thing we like doing together. I also got a book called the "Woman's guide to road biking" or something along those lines. Before she left, she was seriously talking about getting a road bike and training for a 50 mile road race. But she had no clue where to begin. So its something to read on for her.

If you have any suggestions on how to fill that time need, I'm all ears.

On a side note, its funny how its just you and I talking now.