I would have no problem with someone I was in a serioius R with spending time with her friends in the right setting. Over at her house for instance, shopping, maybe a winery, that sort of thing. If she wanted to do that more than spend time with me that would be an issue because there would be something wrong with our R(or her)in all likelihood.

Bars would be a different story. I went to a bar Friday night with a couple who credits me with saving their M. They are really grateful and begged me to let them buy me a beer. I never have liked bars and it's been a long time since I've been in one that was more of a dance club than sports bar. One hour in there was all I needed to be reminded that it's no place for a person in a committed R to be without their SO. There were no less than three guys I had to stare down so they would back off my friend's W while I was there. He has cancer and is trying to live as normal a life as possible, but sometimes his pain med.'s get the best of him and he's not as observant as he should be. At least he only drinks water.

Anyway, I like the idea of having an occasional guy's night out too. But if I had to choose,99 out of 100 times I would choose a night out with the woman I'm seeing now. That's the way it should always be for both of us, right?

This site takes a pretty hard line on the difference between married and not married. Bottom line - if you are not married there is not the same level of commitment. I certainly don't think it's a character flaw if someone thinks it's important to maintain friendships while in (even a serious) relationship.

Re: letting friends go by the wayside, I'm just put in mind of those who from time to time express frustration that they have no one to rely on for occasional favours (babystitting etc) so they can get in some UA time. Duh. If you choose to devote all of your emotional energy to your partner (and more power to you) just recognize the risk of isolating yourself from important support networks.

I changed the subject line on my thread hoping to get some opinions on something that happened with the woman I've been seeing.

So we always get together on Mondays at 8. She texted me a while ago and said that she was going to have dinner with some friends and that her phone was going to go dead any minute. Because of this she would call me when she got home, probably around 8:30 or 9.

I'm thinking that was a really bad attempt at making sure I don't try to contact her while she's out. Anyone agree or am I reading too much into it? It would upset me if I found out this was the case. Thing is she could have a date with someone else and it wouldn't bother me like it would if I found out she lied about the phone thing. Does that make sense?

Should I bring it up someway or just let it go and keep observing?

Why do you think she's misrepresenting the cell phone thing? Any particular reason?

Hey Travis,
To be honest, all I have is that we are on the phone together a LOT and this is the first time the dead phone issue has come up. That and it just seems awfully convenient.

As I've thought about it more I think she really knows that all she would have had to have done is tell me she was going out for dinner and she would get hold of me when she was done. She knows I would have left her alone. So it's just a coincidence or she REALLY didn't want me to try!

Well, you're probably more attuned to things like this than I am but I think you owe her the benefit of the doubt on this one. The relationship is probably a bit new to be questioning honesty and all that with no real evidence to back it up. My thoughts, store it in the back of the head and move on. If she's being dishonest, it will manifest in other ways but I think the likelihood is that her battery was dying. Sometimes the simplest answer is the correct one, after all as you noted, why lie?

Travis

<<Hey Travis,
To be honest, all I have is that we are on the phone together a LOT and this is the first time the dead phone issue has come up. That and it just seems awfully convenient.

As I've thought about it more I think she really knows that all she would have had to have done is tell me she was going out for dinner and she would get hold of me when she was done. She knows I would have left her alone. So it's just a coincidence or she REALLY didn't want me to try!>>

If she is indeed trying to tell you that she doesn't want to talk, in a passive way, it may be because she doesn't think you would handle it well if she told you directly. As excited and connected that you feel in the newness of the relationship, at some point, one person or the other needs to come up for air. Let her take some, and don't take it too personally. The last thing you want is for her to feel suffocated.

Okay so I go over to her house Monday night. I ask her how dinner was and she said fine she went with some girls she goes to school with.

I don't know if I was sensing something else and that's what made me get stupid about the phone or what but the rest of the evening went great. She was very loving and sweet as always. Kept grabbing my arm and pulling me back when I tried to leave.

Tuesday morning I get a text. She says she loves me, can't imagine me not being in her life, but she isn't ready to be tied down and wants to know what we should do. I thought about if for a while and decided that I really didn't want to see her under that sort of scenario. So I told her and she understood and that's the end of that. So last night kinda sucked.

Today hasn't been bad at all, surprisingly. I decided it best if I didn't contact her but sure enough she texted me this afternoon. She said she missed me already. I told her that I was cool with where she was at and that I could and would like to keep in touch a little bit, but she should not tell me things like that anymore. She understood and we had a pleasant conversation.

There is so much about this that is surprising and fascinating to me. Why don't I feel worse? I seriously like this woman and I have basically ended it and I'm not destroyed. I'm not mad at her, if I was at the point where she is in life I probably would feel the same as she does. Maybe it will hit me harder later, but I don't get that sense. I suppose when you go through a rough D everything afterwards is easy in comparison.

so she scared you and that's OK. but i wouldn't say you ended it. I would say that you distanced yourself a bit. I had to do that as well, though being direct is the best.

The ultimate question at midlife is, there are only a few good people out there, so if you meet up with one on one of your first dates, then what does one do?

some people get a bit agressive, others don't. . . its all new and the experiences and feelings can be very overwhelming.

I was talking with my boss on the phone on Monday and a woman whom i thought i blew off unintentionally, texted me and it came up on my email. I had a surge of some hormone, my heart skipped and stopped a beat, I had to put my boss on hold, lost focus on the conversation and had to start all over again with him.

yea, its good in some respects but bad in other respects. ..

just have an honest conversation with her BUT have it planned out ahead of time. . and then enjoy her for the moment.

wiftty

You keep seeing them, but still take it slow so you can observe how they are when you get to know them better...it takes time to know someone. Ask me...it took me over a year to see the true colors of my fiance!

Not sure about the 'love' part, but what's wrong with the 'isn't ready to get tied down' part?
I'm with KC, keep seeing her and relax a little Starman. Are YOU ready to be tied down?

Opt

Also:
I think I can confidently say there's no way to know if the person you went out with for one date (or 5) is a "good" one. People are always on their best behavior at first. For once in this forum I'm speaking from experience (even if it is somewhat limited). I'd give examples but I don't feel like embarrassing myself today.

Opt

she is a good one, i didn't say she was the one or a great one. . . just a good one. I actually didn't expect who she was and my reaction! she is one of the few people who can keep up with me or do more than me. . . she is very unique, and i have told her that. . no i love yous. . . she is a high level athlete, and i have been one as well. there are very few of them at 50+ around.

she also has a very portable career and we can move wherever. . we have alot of potential, and we both know that. . .

that's all we know at the moment. . .

wiftty

So I'm not as done as I thought I was (good call wiftty!). I spent the last day and a half slowly pulling my head out and realizing that it was stupid to call this off completely.

I called her and basically told her that I agreed, Im not in a position to be serious with anyone either, even if I wanted to be(good observation Opt). But I always enjoy her company and want to keep my Monday nights with her.

She said she respected my position before and didn't want me to be uncomfortable but she was happy that I changed my mind. She even made sure I knew that she felt the same way about me that I do her. Cool lady.

So I was letting myself get too attached and didn't realize until she told me she didn't want to be tied down. That was like a punch in the face at first, but it was a necessary one. I believe I have my head on straight now, we'll see.

So it looks like you answered your own question starman . In no more than two weeks, you have gone from


to


That's the infamous infatuation phase giving way to reality.. which is a good thing.

AGG

Wow! You've gone the whole gamut! Good luck with it...