There are some major loose ends in your situation.

In your first (very densely-typed and difficult to read and follow) first post to this thread, you stated that you had committed adultery yourself four times with the same person, years ago. You have also physically abused your wife. You did these things when, as afar as you know, she wasn't being unfaithful to you.

You are now demanding that she sends a NC letter, but you do not appear to have ever sent a NC letter yourself. Did you tell your wife who this woman was? Did you answer all questions that she had about the affair? Do you have any contact with her? Was she a work colleague or a family friend? Does she live in your neighbourhood? Was she married, and is she still?

If there is complete NC between you and this woman today, then I don't think Dr H recommends sending a NC letter after several years. However, if she was married, and if her H did not know, then he should be told now, because he has a right to know. If he is contacted, you need to make sure that this does not open up contact between you and OW. It would be best for your wife to make the contact with him.

In order to rebuild your relationship with your wife, you would need to ACT to deal with you violent outbursts, although I can see that they haven't happened for a while. MelodyLane suggested that you attend an anger management course. Signing up for one would be a concrete step that would show your commitment to improvement.

So would talking properly to your wife about your affair and showing willingness to compensate your victims - your wife and OWH - for what you did to them. Blurting out a confession because of your wife's affair this year is hardly showing remorse and change after what you did.

You and your wife should not attempt to stay married unless you BOTH do the work required to overturn your shameful behaviours in the past. Your joint conduct has had a terrible effect on your poor son (and no doubt on your daughter, although she has not shown psychosis in her reaction).

My view is that you should talk to your wife about both unfinished issues; your violence and your affair. You should either agree to repair this marriage with both of your issues addressed, or you should let the divorce proceed because you are BOTH unwilling to be good spouses and parents.

I don't think Plan B is an issue right now.

Hi SugarCane,

Thanks for bringing up the real issues at stake. Our marriage has been full of disrespect and this is the result of it. Instead of addressing the problems at hand, I chose to �drown my sorrows� by choosing the road to adultery. I regret my actions deeply and am doing my best to compensate for them.

Without my W�s own EA and PA, I would not have come clean. I have disclosed all details of my PA�s to her and have answered all her questions. As far as I am aware, there were no other spouses at the time, ie the women were single. There has been no contact with any of them since - we do not even live in the same part of the country any more.

Both my wife and I want our marriage to continue. A divorce would be counterproductive to us both. My wife had problems maintaining a long term relationship � she is very attractive and finds courting easy, but has always been dumped before long. I have to admit that throughout our marriage, I constantly told myself that one day I will do the same. Now that she found someone else to love, I had to really think about what I wanted to do � and realized that I do love her. I also realize that her behavior is more a reflection of the way I feel towards and treat her.

This is not the forum to discuss any possible psychological shortcomings in either of us. Marriagebuilders is all about living in respect of one another and of being in love. I know that the future of our marriage is in my hands. My wife wants to continue but she does not know how to. She has never been one to delve very deeply into psycho-analysis and tends to go by her gut reaction. When we met I knew that I was in for a handful. At first I knew that she respected me but after a while she began testing her boundaries, making demands to see if I would backtrack, and when I did, slowly began to lose that respect.

I feel that I have been given a second chance � to begin to repair what I have allowed to slide. My wife told me she wanted me to make the decisions in our family � it was I who could not cope with her questioning them. It is now irrespective that my decisions were based more on logic, the fact that I allowed her to substitute her decision for mine (no POJA) and that I bore a grudge against her for this, has allowed our marriage to deteriorate.

In my humble opinion, the best form of compensation I can bring to our marriage and family, is to be the best father and husband I can be � to take responsibility for my family.

I have used the MB techniques to effectively terminate my WS�s EA and PA with OM, and am happy to say that it really does work. My WS has not sent a letter of NC - I have offered to do the same to my PA partners. She feels that is not necessary but I still need that closure on her PA.

In spite of all the heartless actions in our marriage, when you think about it, the onus is still on us to make good. If I am to take the initiative and bear the brunt of turning our marriage onto the correct course, that is my responsibility. I cannot force my wife to change, I can only lead and if she chooses to follow, then I am blessed.

Best regards,
Schooner

Hi all,

I am still totally committed to making our marriage work and am continuing with plan A - it is not really an effort any more. My giver is happy and my taker realizes it is worth it. My W has not been in contact since 10.10.10 (apart from occasionally clicking on his FB profile), and is committing herself to our marriage.

Still, she will not sign the NC letter. I have eased up on the pressure and bring up the subject only when I feel it is most likely to have meaning.

We have spent a lot of UA together and are slowly building up the trust again. No LB's for over a week.

Looking at the situation, I realize how much of a difference I am making - as long as I am honest and really try to improve myself, things do change for the better. We, or at least she, are a long way away from being in love. I really have no certainty that she ever will, still it is enough to simply be the person she could fall in love with - I am happy enough to see her smile.

I wish everyone on this forum the very best for the festive season - may your givers be rewarded for the kindness you have shown.

Best regards,
Schooner

Schooner,


She is in contact with him. Thinking, looking, dwelling on him (FB profile) is CONTACT.


You are heading towards false recovery. This is keeping back door open. I know, I did it myself. I'm sorry to say that, but you have lowered the bar of what are the conditions of your recovery and you're enabling her to keep the contact by not being assertive about the subject. Dr Harley is a wise man, he knows what conditions are to be met FIRST.

Merry Christmas to you, too!

Hi Schooner,

Have a wonderful Christmas season. I would not wish to give you a sociopath for a wife.

I will pray for you and your wife!

Hi,

I really wished I could start this new year with my WS on my side. She actually suggested a letter of NC, on her terms, with a farewell statement guaranteed to do the opposite.

She is still in the fog and now she is on a night out, plus the OM is also out. It really looks as though I am losing this. It's four and a half months to go to the divorce and I am giving up.

I am just so exhausted. If it were not for the AD mecication I would be a wreck. I need to work out how best to go into plan B - she has agreed to sell her half of our house to me for a reasonable price - then she will move out. It is looking like plan B, C and D, all rolled into one.

On the other hand, I think I'll also be relieved - I don't enjoy her company very much any more.

Regards,
Schooner

Was she ever reasonable?

Hi to all,

After a lot of pressuring from me, my WS wrote a letter of NC which we posted last night. It took a lot of persuasion (and some LBing AO on my side) before she wrote one that simply stated that the affair is now over and that she is doing her utmost to heal her marriage and that the affair was wrong. She would not include the line that forbade contact from his side. On that aspect, I am confident that he will not bother - my face to face confrontation left him in no doubt as to the trouble he will be in next time.

I feel relieved at this point and can begin to think about recovery. On my suggestion, I will draft an official document, to ensure that if I ever again use violence on her, she will receive my share of the house. This is just and is her protection.

I have disclosed as much information to her on my own PA's and she is happy to close on them. I have offered her compensation for my actions against her, to which she asked for a new gym outfit.

We spend a lot of time together, mostly training, running, swimming and going to the gym. We are both in good shape now and really enjoy our time together.

However, my wife is now as sore as can be at me for finalising her affair. It's not like the night of exposure, but she is badmouthing me a lot and saying that I am treating her like a child for forcing her to write the letter of NC - which she has vehemontly resisted until now. Is this to be expected? I guess I thought she would be relieved but she misses the affair. By the way, she still goes to his FB page - even though she can only see a tiny profile picture and then goes to his friend's page which has a larger photo of him. She did this this morning while I was in the kitchen a few feet away. She says that it is almost a habit.

My own lovebank is very low and I was on the verge of giving up. At present I still feel that it does not really matter which way this goes, and yet, last night after we sent the letter of NC, I was feeling better than I have for months.

Any suggestions on where to go from here? Plan A of course, but is there a point from which there is no recovery? It seems that this has been a very difficult path back.

Best regards,
Schooner

Viewing his FB is contact.

You must tell her that she cannot view his page--find some way to block it and friend's page, if possible.

This is VITAL to recovery.

She is still foggy, and she is not ready to be in a real recovery. Acouple things made me think this.

1.) She is saying u r forcing her to write a nc letter, nc letter should be a requirment for the ws to be back home and recover the marriage, if she is blaming u for writing a nc letter then she is not seriouse about recovery.

2.) She is looking at his fb page that is a form of contact and I would let her know u will have no more of that, if she continues to do so go striaght to plan b.

Hi,

Things have taken a bad turn. She is more than just foggy. She sent the OM an FB message today stating that the written letter of NC (which he should have received t.oday) was not done of her free will and that she will always like him.

Now it's back to fogtalk. It is now time to start implementing plan B/C/D. The house will be sold, the winnings divided and we will part ways. Somehow I knew this would need to go this far.

Thanks everyone for your great support.

Best regards,
Schooner

Write ur plan b letter and go to plan b asap! Find an IM

Hi,

I have made all the preparations, the additional mortgage just needs confirmation and the lawyer's appointment is set up. Next week I can buy her out and start plan B.

Using eblaster I have monitored her activities on facebook. The report shows that she has typed two messages to AP, one yesterday and one today, the gist of which was that she will always think of him very fondly. Unfortunately, I cannot confirm whether she has actually sent these or not. The only confirmation I have is that she started the second message (today's) with "It's me again...". She probably deleted the messages knowing that I have been in her FB account.

Out of the blue she sent me a message via FB saying that the letter of NC (or as she sees it, the final farewell) has finally allowed her to feel less intense about him. I know she has tried to lead me on in the past, but this time it's different. She actually apologised to me for the hurt she has caused me.

Still, after all the gaslighting and false recoveries, I don't want to or even feel like reaching out. In fact, I feel a bit disappointed that now that I have made the decision to go into plan B, she is now reaching out and I greatly suspect that it's a bit of a bluff. On the other hand, it is exactly three months since their last SF, and there has been only one reply from him since then and that was to her asking her to bugger off his FB site (this was a direct reply to my derogatory message sent in her name).

I know that this affair will end. It's been one-sided all along, he was just happy to oblige a wanting woman. Assuming that we want to start recovery (which she stated she wants), I need to really work on the NC.

Am I abandoning plan B too soon? To be honest, what with the divorce in progress, I am legally entitled to buy her share for a relatively low price - but that would mean also plan D. For a while I was very tempted to end it all and force her out. Right now my feelings are very mixed.

Best regards,
Schooner

I wouldn't put your heart out there, Schooner. I would continue on Plan D. That doesn't mean there's no hope of reconciliation, it's just a matter of protecting yourself.

Your WW is still wayward. It's hard to know for sure what's in her foggy little mind.

What are the conditions that she must meet in order to return?

Can you raise the bar higher?

Question: Is she using the internet (Facebook) from your home computer or via cell phone?

Block facebook now. It's a cancer in your home and is causing so much damage. Or, think of it this way: You pay every month for internet service, right? So, you're paying, every month, for the opportunity for your wife to look at OM on the internet. It's like buying an alcoholic a drink and then asking them to stop drinking.

ManInMotion posted this information on page 11 of this thread:

Why not just block FB?

Are you using a Windows PC?

1. Using Explorer, open c:\windows\system32\drivers\etc.
2. Start Notepad, and drag the "Hosts" file into Notepad.
3. At the end of the file, add the following line:

127.0.0.1 www.facebook.com

(or you can choose any IP address that will result in a "404" error if you try to open it in your browser)
4. Save the file
5. Try opening FB to see if the change made a difference.

Hi,

My WW feels entitled to use FB and so do I. In addition to viewing his photo, she does use it for a lot of other social purposes, as do I and both my children.

It's a sign of the times that it is the main means of communicating with friends worldwide and I would not like to lose that.

WW still checks her AP photo daily, though not as frequently any more. She apparently did not send the FB messages after having sent the letter of NC.

We have reached a point where I am continuously talking about a divorce and she wants to continue the marriage as is, with me being quiet. I refuse to do this, and will quite happily divorce before allowing her to validate her affair. It's a real power struggle - whenever she feels that I am giving in, she begins treating me with overt disdain.

Plan B for me is to legally force her to sell me her half share of the house, and then make her leave. It's three months to go before the divorce.

Best regards,
Schooner

Your WW treats you with disdain because you allow daily contact with the OM.

You place the value of having FB in your home over you having a wife and family.

You will get what you value most.

Schooner, I'm in agreement with you wrt Facebook. With 500m users and counting, and the features it provides wrt event planning, news, contact, etc., it's reaching the point of asking someone to not use FB is being a bit extreme.

However, in this case, it looks like it's going to be FB or your M. Which one is more important to you?

FWIW, I think you've made the decision internally to leave your WW already.

FB is looked down upon at many jobs - it's not a life requirement to have FB.

I do have a FB right now, am planning to do away with it once I collect all my family's email addresses. I have family spread all over the US and close friends, but we can email just as easily as we can FB and we can talk on the phone - we all have cell phones with no long distance charges.