Hi everyone, I've been told for days now that I should start a thread on here and that you all would love to hear from me. I dont have much to say, I'm more of the "lurking" type that would like to stay silent and learn from other threads.

If you havent figured out yet, "BTinTrouble" is my H.

Mr.BT is out of state for some training until next Sun (Nov 21). Last time he went out of state for training D-day was the day he got back. He thought he was ready for this trip but has expressed he's NOT and there's no way of backing out of it now since he's already there. His mind is extremely vivid and I know there are SO many thoughts and images running through it right now (he's already stated he is "anxious to get back and find something"). My problem lies there, I feel like I dont know how to ease his mind even the tiniest bit. I came up with the idea of doing our reviews over the phone as well as reading FILSIL to him, he liked that but still sounded like he was in another world on the phone. I feel so lost. I want him to enjoy himself and not have to worry every second that I'm going to have another A (is that a DJ on my behalf for thinking that?).

Thanks for all the help you've given us already I'm so greatful he found this site.

Welcome to Marriage Builders

Actually, I think you are doing pretty well.

By far, the most important thing is that you are making sincere efforts.
Never underestimate that.
You will make mistakes.
But never stop trying to make things right.

As my dear husband says

"Progress, not perfection".

(That's an AA saying)

How are YOU doing?

Good to see you on here, MrsBT. We promise we'll be gentle.

BT is a survivor of the worst possible thing a human could experience. Adultery is worse than rape, than the death of a child, do you know that? Explaining the damage done to a BS from adultery is like trying to explain childbirth. You can't do it. A person has to experience it to understand it.

So now we've got BT out of state for a week, away from home's comforts. And away from his ability to see you, maintain physical connections and know that you are continuing to recover your M. AND he has to deal with the triggers that inevitably come under certain circumstances. Being out of town could very well cause a number of triggers for him.

He lost a lot of trust, so healing is going to take awhile.

My suggestion to you would be to make sure you are available to him 24/7 while he's gone. Tell him to call you at odds hours (be ready to chat at 2 am). Practice patience and be there for him. Call him when he can take your calls. Let him talk to his son.

Tell him that you miss him. That you're counting down the days til he's home. Make plans with him to do something special or fun when he gets back. Make sure the two of you decide what that special thing is - maybe something simple like dinner and a movie that you both want to see. Maybe go out and buy a new couch to replace your old, lumpy one (Oh, wait - that's the couch at MY house )

CAUTION: Do not plan this on your own. Do not tell him that you're going to have a surprise for him when he gets home! BS's don't want to hear that their (former?) wayward has a surprise waiting for them when they get home. That's just too close to things like saying "We need to talk." It creates instant stress and worry.

And one BIG thing I would do is tell him that you are on here with us. Let him know you've already met Pep and maritalbliss. And you'll be meeting more soon, I'm sure. We've been waiting for you. I think it will comfort BT to know that you're hanging with us while he's gone.

Hey, welcome to Marriage Builders, Mrs.BT!

Let me echo the welcome, Mrs. BT! Glad you've joined and started a thread of your own.

maritalbliss had a lot of great points already re: easing BT's mind on this trip, and Pep asked a very important question: how are YOU doing?

Keep reading, keep posting. Welcome!

Yes BT and I have read and talked about that. Being someone who's suffered from both and having to imagine something worse than feeling the last breath of your first born child on your chest is horrifying to say the least. It brings me to tears to think about the pain I've caused BT to go through the past 6 months. Sometime to the point of "tossing my cookies". Thank you for the rest of your post Maritalbliss, catching up on UA time when he returns home sounds like a fabulous idea

Pep & Mrs.V, I'm doing ok. I miss BT more than I have all year. He's def my rock so when he's gone I feel incomplete. I'm planning thanksgiving dinner and a rather busy week of exercising to keep my mind off of being lonely. Thank you for asking.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, MrsBT.

Your H should be worried because he is putting your marriage at risk by traveling without you. It was too much trust that led to your affair. That is how affairs happen and is why Dr Harley recommends DO NOT SPEND THE NIGHT APART. Saying that he shouldn't worry is about like me going drunk driving and telling you "don't worry!!" Would you feel assured? of course not.

The solution to this problem is to STOP spending the night apart. If he goes on a business trip, you should go with him. It is not a lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries.

The way to ease his mind is to not do this again.

And in my defense, I have to say I was a DARN GOOD DRUNK DRIVER!! I drove drunk for years and never once got into an accident or killed anyone. When I was extremely drunk I just placed a hand over one eye to stop the double vision.

That is the level of risk one takes with their marriage when they spend the night apart. This forum is chock full of stories of affairs that started this way: almost always by people who said they would "never cheat." <-----they are the riskiest because they do not recognize the danger.

I am so sorry to hear you've suffered through this. It makes the reality that much worse when these pale in comparison to adultery.


I remember at the beginning, right after D-day, my BH stepped in with a plan, with a way to try to cobble our life back together. It certainly hasn't been easy for him/us, and I have no idea where we'll end up, but his actions, his being my rock, in light of all that I did, makes him all the more precious. In that vein, I'm glad you are missing BT, if that makes sense!

One last thing: I forgot earlier to commend you on your brainstorming to help BT address his concerns while he's gone. Well done!

Hi

Come hang out with us on the Recovery board. BT's been floating around there the past week or so. Glad to see your posting that is a step in the right direction

BTW welcome to the club nobody wants to join !

I'm quite sure we will not do this again. I have not told me H I dont want him to worry, I have given him every reason to worry specially with these circumstances. So I do understand m H should worry (I'd be suspicious if he wasn't) but like I said I dont want him to be worried every second. He's training and he loves what he's training about so I'm sure he'd kick himself in the tooshy if he spent all day unable to pay attention. Lastnight we talked about his training so it seems he's able to juggle worrying and learning pretty well

Am I thinking completely wrong? Should he be worried every second?

You can only be sure if you remove the risk, though. The risk has not been removed. Stop taking risks and you can be more "sure." Its like drunk driving. I can only be sure I won't have a wreck if I stop taking that risk altogether. And I was a good drunk driver too!!


Oh yes! As long as you are apart overnight, your marriage is at risk. Stopping this practice is a basic first step of affair proofing a marriage.

It's not a matter of what he should or shouldn't do. Every BS has their own timeframe of dealing with the trauma. I stressed every second right at first. Even when FWH was sitting next to me! It's something that generally gets better with time and a lot of reassurance on the WS's part.

He should be stressed as long as they spend the nights apart FOREVER, because it is a dangerous practice. It is sort of like playing chicken. I should always feel anxious when I play chicken because it is dangerous. The solution to the anxiety is NOT to get used to it, but to STOP IT.

welcome Mrs BT

I am a FWW and have the problem of long and lonely separations from my DH.. a professional soldier who gets deployed at least for most of each year.

Separations... especially regular periods can be deadly for M. There are feelings of abandonment and loneliness and it is very foolish to think you could not be vulnerable. I too thought NEVER me. Pride before the fall. I know better now and I KNOW you both have to work very hard to remain together.

See the first time or two of separation its hard but you get through it... but as the years go on .. well the tendency to grow apart is also increasing.. you need to actively work against that.

You asked "Does your H have cause to worry each second ?"
well as you have heard ... YES. it does not mean he should obsess on it .. thats different... but of course he has cause to worry. You gave him cause to worry. As did I to my DH.
Trouble is its not easy for him to not obsess is it?

I would encourage you have him ring you at any time... email him too on what you do every day if possible..ring him and tell him soon as a class or session is finished or at least once right after his day is over and once before he goes to bed. Even if that is only for a few moments so he KNOWS you are thinking of him.

Your H will have times of deep distrust and may even think at times "why" is she ringing me? It will take a lot of time before he can let some of that distrust go.

get into the practice of accounting for each day... even now I keep a journal of each day which maybe is overkill for me now ... but I feel better having my DH know my life is an open book to him while he is away... he does not need to read it and I don't think he ever has actually... but I know ... and more importantly HE KNOWS its all there for him at any time.

Something that was and is very useful for me while my DH is deployed is that each day I sit down with a cup of tea or coffee and just visualise a happy moment from our lives together. About 15 to 30 minutes I THINK OF NOTHING ELSE.
I can do this even at work during my lunch break.
It is so so helpful to reinforce my love and commitment to my DH especially as I betrayed him once and I am determined to not allow this to happen again. I know now it is not impossible... but also I know it is.. was .. my choice to do so.

keep working on ideas to give your H some relief for his concerns ... but remember to keep him in the loop so he knows and understands what you are doing. no surprises as you have been advised.

if you can travel with your H then do so if he has to travel for work.

Welcome to MB MrsBT...good to see you here. My wife and I both post here and it's made all the difference.



One thing you may be missing when reading these posts by MelodyLane is she is NOT saying the risk of spending the night apart is because YOU will have another affair. It's risky to your marriage because EITHER ONE OF YOU could do something destructive to the marriage.

Realize this ...Statistically...the betrayed spouse is the more likely one to cheat the next time. It's such a easy hole for a betrayed spouse to jump into complete with the built-in rationalization and justification of "she did it so it's my turn to have some fun". In fact, revenge affairs are VERY common at the 6-12 month mark of recovery so much so that we warn betrayed spouses here to be on guard against it. Thus, it's so important for YOU, TOO, to keep an eye on your husband and be together every night. I mean, you are at home with kids and the house doing your routine...so technically, BT is the one in the riskiest position right now out on the road alone.

Mr. Wondering

The rationalization, added to emotional vulnerability here is VERY dangerous:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2441844#Post2441844

Constant contact. Constant. Contact.

Accountability for time not in contact.

Transparency.

Hello Mrs.

I had a couple of questions. Is this training your DH's job pressured him to go to? Did you request that he go to this training? Is he the one who wanted to go to this training and made the decision to go? now that he is there, is he stuck there?

BubbaConfucious from Texas sez, if you don' wanna get hit by a car, don't play chicken!

Hi Mrs.BT,

I have a question for you, actually several. First one is probably the most important. How are YOU doing these days?

Are you starting to feel more comfortable with BT back in your life?

Do you two have a plan for rebuilding your marriage? Mel is offering something to consider in constructing your plan. Minimize separations to the level of zero or very few if you two can arrange it. I would like to hear what else you two are doing and how you feel about it.

How are the withdrawal symptoms doing? Are they about gone or do you still have a few triggers?

I'll stop here but I look forward to hearing your answers to my questions. I hope this finds you doing well and recovering.

God Bless,

JL