Here's the thing.
You might not ~t h i n k~ this pot issue is a big deal, but it is a HUGE deal.
Not just because he does pot with OW.
It would be a HUGE deal if he did pot with anyone.

What YOU have failed to realize (so far) is that OW is a symptom, not the disease. You are treating OW as the disease.

The forum may or may not agree with me, but any man who is not working but has $ to buy drugs, is an addict. Any man who leaves his wife's bed to go get high with ANYONE, is an addict.

Plan A for any addict will feed their entitlement ... They love Plan A. It is consequence-free golden-ticket free-ride time.

You have a bigger problem than OW your hands.
You have an addict.

You will probably try to defend his behavior and explain why he is not an addict.
I know, I did this too.
My H is an alcoholic.
He has been sober a long time now, but he is still an alcoholic.

(((( hugs )))) Tough stuff, I know.

You like/seek out conflict.
You get your own "high" this way.
That is something you need to admit to yourself before you can get better.

You should look into Al-Anon.

For once ...
I agree with a wayward.

Listen to Pep. She is spot-on.

Plan A is worse than useless for an addict. Make preparations to go to Plan B ASAP. Be nice, be kind, don't lovebust, but don't wait around, either.

In addition to all the A-related boundaries before you let him come back, he needs to stop his drug use and receive help for it.

Can you be ready for Plan B by tomorrow?

He doesnt spend money he doesnt have on it, generally he'll fix a friends computer and they'll give him some, or like in this case OW has some so he smokes hers. He can live without it, but really I dont care about the weed. Honestly, it makes it a heck of a lot easier to talk to him when hes "high" because hes calm and mellow, we can actually talk without fighting.

I will admit I do seek out conflict, more so in starting arguments with him. That wasnt my purpose last night though. I was invited out prior to knowing she was going to be there but yes decided to go because she was going to be there and I wanted her to know that Im not backing down.

I noticed him doing a lot of texting this morning, when I asked what was going on he just said it was OW wondering what he was doing today. When H went out for a smoke this morning and left his cell phone sitting out. I took a quick peak and saw that he told her EVERYTHING I had said last night!! After removing the knife from my back, I continued to read her msg's claiming I was staring at her all night (I was not, couldnt even see her from where I was standing. Furthermore, to see me "staring" at her wouldnt she have had to of been staring at me?). He even told her we werent talking this morning and said "Finally Silence" GAH!

Ugh!!! The lies these two tell each other to try to make me look like the bad guy!

I would like some insight on children if anyone can help me out. Because her and I were friends, our kids are friends. I feel horrible for this little girl that is forced to go to 2-3 schools a year not able to keep friends, but I know I need to stop having her over and letting them go there (they go to her grandmothers not OW's). H has taken them there to play today, probably more so he can see OW. We didnt have them around each other for almost a year, then my DD7 and I ran into her DD8 at a school field trip and she asked H to bring them to play.

How can I stop this and explain it in a way the kids will understand and hopefully not be hurt by?

Seeking conflict was your purpose last night.

You are making excuses for your WH's drug addiction.

Tell your kids the truth. "Daddy has a GF, and it's not ok for M'd people to have BF/GF. It hurts Mommy very much, so we aren't going to be able to be around OWDD, even though it's not her fault, or your fault."

Based on my past experience, I think Plan B, a REAL one, is going to be very difficult for you.

Your desire to manage what OW/WH/others say and/or think about you is going to be a powerful force, pulling YOU back into the triangle/conflict/chaos.

Your desire to engage in the conflict and to straighten people out is not going to be easily extinguished, just because you are in Plan B. So, I am worried for you.

But, please know this. You will NOT be in a real Plan B (ergo Plan B will be pointless) if you do not forcefully control and manage your own actions.

You may not READ any more of their conversation in Plan B.
That is a rule you must enforce on yourself!
You may not try to educate either of them (or others) or give them a piece of your mind.
You may not listen to gossip about them.
You may not look at their Facebook pages.
Etc.

At one time, Neak and I (and one other person) were acting IM (intermediary) for another MBer when she went into Plan B.
No matter how many times we told her that she should not engage in emails/phone calls/etc with her WH, she did it anyway.
She never really did a Plan B.
She just did not have it in her to NOT engage when she felt like it.

Do you anticipate this as a potential problem for yourself, as I do? Am I incorrect?

I Agree with pep on this. I dealt with a substance abuser wife for 25 years, and the drama and bullchit is all the same..

We, my family, but most deeply, I am still reeling sometimes and am struggling getting my life back. Today is not a good day to post about it, but please...

Go to alanon..

Jealousy, I have told you what I thought. I will tell you that I TOTALLY agree with Pep and Neak. I myself, having never had to deal with things like this(addictions) have NO CLUE what to advise you. That is why I suggested that you post on here.

I already told you that I will be your IM for you and I will protect you from WH but I CAN NOT control YOUR actions. I will not be your IM for long if you will NOT do a proper Plan B. I am your friend and as your friend, I can NOT watch you ruin your life and hurt your children(hurting your children by having a broken mom). I will be there for you, but I will have boundaries too.

There is NO QUESTION that Plan B is hard. It DOES get easier. It really DOES. The beginning is the HARDEST. You really don't want to and then you start to question if what you are doing is right. You need to block EVERYTHING. Your WH would need to only communicate THROUGH ME. That would mean no phone calls, no emails and no texts, No sightings of WH OR OW. You need to not hear about them, and not get into any drama.

We really aren't surprised that they are lying to eachother. The only people that believe that they aren't lying are each other. WAYWARDS LIE.

It was a little funny seeing you write that we were right. Only because I said that SO MANY TIMES.

So, now your suggestion is to plan B ASAP. Get everything taken care of. Hope you read SAA first.

About the drug addiction, please listen to what Pep has to say. She doesn't say things without thought. MB really doesn't work with an ACTIVE addict. This is something you can learn more about while you are in plan B. Take care and call me if you need.

Pep-
You are very correct. The whole reason I have been reluctant to go into Plan B is because I dont think I will be able to do it. I have tried many times before to do no contact and within a few days we're back in bed together! Someone on **edit** once said my need for his attentin is like a crack addict looking for another hit. Its true. I have been with him since I was 14, over half my life, as much as I want to protect my children, myself and my boundries and I know I can live without him, I dont WANT to live without him

Dont laugh or roll your eyes at me but even though I know how much he hurts me, I just dont have the heart to put him out. Hes my best friend, the love of my life, the man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with, when did that change and why wasnt I notified of an expiration date? Sigh..

Your next level of personal growth is to recover from your addiction to your husband, no matter what abuse or cruelty he dishes out.

You must recognize that you have become powerless over that compulsion to manage him and YOUR life has become unmanageable.

You must come to believe that a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity.

You must make a decision to turn your life and will over to that higher power.

These are part of the mandatory steps you MUST go through, if you want to recover your marriage, or at least yourself.

You can choose that, or the alternative - more of the same. If your heart is not broken enough, then don't prepare yourself to go to Plan B.

If continuing on with this insanity of living with an under-employed pot smoking adulterer is okay with you, fine. But be honest that it's not him making you do it. You are choosing it.

If that sounds harsh, then consider the invitation to the alternative. Get your heart and mind in sync. It's time to say, a sober and loving faithful marriage partner or no marriage.

You don't have to go to Plan B right now. Get your mojo gear and attitude together. Start separating yourself from the need to track him first. Work with Scotty on her preparation steps.

The better prepared you are, the better your plan B will be.

I dont understand why everyone says to snoop and get evidence of an affair and once I snoop everyone says stop doing it. Am I or am I not supposed to snoop?

I stopped reading his texts almost a year ago because I realized then that they make me crazy and I was much happier not knowing what they were talking about. Now Im falling back into the compulsion of sneaking around and I feel guilty, like Im being dishonest with him by invading his privacy.

I'd have to go back to see where you were advised to NOT snoop. I would never advise someone to not snoop. Hell, I'm in a recovered M with a poster boy FWH and I still snoop!

My only thought regarding your snooping is that you've already found evidence of an A and you're doing nothing about it except making vague noise to your WH. Maybe that's why a poster might have advised you to not waste your time snooping?

You already have the evidence you need. You already know he's going from your bed to hers, no matter what he says. You know the magnitude of hurt, and at some point you just accept that until he volunteers the extraordinary precautions, promises to do anything to aid your healing and DOES it (no 'just talk' going on) and you see evidence that the pothead behavior is gone - and has been replaced by someone who has a passion for life, and is working to provide for his family), no need to keep looking for evidence of how badly he's treating you. It's time now to move into self-protection mode.

Since that is the case, I want you to consider as an example of that self-protection mode is Scotland. She snooped until she confirmed the affair. Then she prepped for Plan B while doing a great Plan A in the face of that pain and hurt. She's one mentally tough gal and could help you a lot as you work to get your heart and mind in sync to go to Plan B and cut yourself off from all sources of knowledge about him.

The biggest reason you should work in this direction is that the only other choice is continued pain right on to Plan D because at some point, you're going to get so sick of it that you run out of all love for the man. It's going to happen faster than you think with all the love that you're giving him now only to have him leave supposedly to just smoke pot with OW. You know better and it's Brutal!

Good post KA.

Ive been doing a lot of reading, Thanks again Scotty for the books! Im just over half way through "Surviving an Affair" and everything is beginning to make sense and I am trying to implement everything Im learning.

I have made a few mistakes (hey Im a wounded human!)but Im learning from them and from the book about why its soooo important not to do some of the things Ive done/said, apparently Ive been a walking Love Buster Im slowly learning to control my emotions and my actions as well as my temper. My H said to me a couple weeks ago that if I really wanted us to try when we got back together I should have lead by example, I like to think Im doing this now

NP. Isn't it fun learning about how you did it so wrong all of these years? I wish that EVERYONE would jump on board with MB. Even better is seeing how MB can and DOES relate to ALL of our relationships in our lives.

I am glad that you have been getting some great things from the books. Are you also seeing the benefits of Plan B? Are you ready to prepare for it? I am not going to lie to you, it is HARD, but it is also the best thing you could do for yourself.

Well, he's blameshifting, but it's good that you're working on being the best you can be, whatever the circumstances.