Hi HHH, I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. One of the things that helped me most was something Barnboy touched on, and that is not bringing up the affair. The more you bring it up, if you are tempted, the more top of mind it remains. This will get better FASTER if you go through the motions of having a good time and meeting each others top 4 INTIMATE needs. Replacing your hurt with a romantic, fulfilling relationship will be the most effective medicine.

And I applaud you for recognizing the risk on facebook. We have so many affairs on SAA that started that way. Fortunately, you recognize the danger of opposite sex friendships, ESPECIALLY the danger of former beaus.

Hang in there, I promise you it does get better!

You know, there are some moments where you really do, truly shine? Just thought you should know that.


Also, thanks Melody.

Ditto

Thanks to you, too, Pep.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!


Bah. Anger/Pain buzzing. Hate it.

Need nonsense...

My rational self wants me to remember; anger follows pain. We react with anger when we experience pain as a way to rid ourselves of the source of our pain. No more source = no more pain.

Pain = stress = sickness.

This is converse to the desires of my other selves.

Angry self, will you shut the *censored* up, please?

You pain does not care one whit what your rational self has to say. Your rational self can marshal a hundred different brilliant arguments with your pain, and your pain will win 100% of the time without uttering a word.

Have you ever noticed that we walk through the valley of the shadow of death? We don�t hang around in it making s�mores or blaze some trailhead around or beside or above it. We walk through it. It begins and it ends, and begins and ends, again and again.

Your pain is telling you something. Your pain will NOT be denied. If you don�t listen to what it is telling you, it will lead you through that valley again and again, in ways you cannot begin to imagine on November 13, 2010.

What might your pain be telling you about you � the only person you in fact control?

You are inadequate.
You are less than.
You are unimportant.
You are stupid.
You failed to notice.
You failed to take action.
You can�t trust yourself
You are imperfect.

I don�t know, haven�t been a BH, but those things sprang to mind. Where is truth? You aren't inadequate, less than, unimportant or stupid.

Parse through those things that are real, and those that aren�t, those you control and those your don�t. Accept what you can�t change, and change what you can. Because the best antidote for pain that i have found is action born of power.


People who know me IRL think the cold callous stuff is absolutely hilarious. I took it very personally for a long time and periodically tried to rehabilitate my image to no avail. Then a very, very wise poster pointed out to me that I give away my power too easily. My forum experience has been an interesting process because it was just more of the same of me wanting, and failing, to be what I was expected to be instead of accepting that I just am who I am. And I am, in fact, a pretty cool lady.

So there.

Very excellent post SB.

I giving up the idea of being perfect is still a daily struggle for me. I am glad to see that you are doing so well!

However, if your pain is due to historical events rather than current ones, it's possible to marshal a little intellectual resolve and blunt the edge so that you can remain rational to deal with it:

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Emotional%20Memory.html

Also, if you're really having trouble being rational and clear-headed at this time you most need to think clearly, Dr. Harley recommends common antidepressant medications. If your fear, resentment, and pain make it impossible for you to follow the plan for recovery -- Care, Protection, Time, and Honesty -- AD meds usually can take the edge off the emotional reactions so that you can follow the plan.

Day 3 in the funk. Wondering if there isn't a physical issue. Not my first bout with depression, just the first time I've faced it with something to actually be depressed about.

Gonna push more water, cut off of caffeine, and try to get off my butt and exercise more.

HHH I am still going through your thread. This post in particular...

WOW... very excited to read the responses to it because you nailed it. The non-static $LB, just.. wow. That so explains it. Fine, happy one day, or even one minute, than like for NO REASON, just morose. Morbid depressing hurt. Its terrible. I am sure it doesnt feel good to tell your FWW that (taking a dump on heart thing) but if its anything like me, its the truth.

The first time OM reached for my WWs genitals was while I was in the next room on the MB website trying to understand what I was doing wrong. They were watching TV on the couch and WW KNOWS how much I hate TV, and now I hate it even more because of all this. But I totally get that resentment, that, "It took an affair."

She said way back when she was in the fog something to the effect of "Well, we hurt eachother, now we can go forward." Wow that infuriated me. I know that WE didnt have a great marriage before, but even then I knew that I was not responsible for her behavior. Not only that, but I see some people say that their marriage is better post-A than it was pre-A, and some even to the point of almost saying the A made their marriage better, because it opened their eyes.

That may be true, but my eyes were open BEFORE the A, I didnt "need" her to cheat on me for me to 'get it,' and that is definately a HUGE source of resentment.

I will NEVER say that adultery made my marriage better.

Sweet Babboo and I were able to work/struggle/find our way out of the pit of hell to a better marriage in spite of adultery. Not because of it.

Carry on, gentlemen.

Nor will I.

The day when my MIL looked at me all dopey and said "You guys are so much STRONGER" I just wanted to puke. Serial adulteress - she must think cheating is a magic potion for "better."


If we are "stronger," it is because we HAVE to be, or it won't survive. It HAS to be better, or the injury will cause it to fail.

I liken it to something like a severe knee injury. Yes, the injury may heal some, but the knee will never be the same. So you have to rehab, learn to walk and/or run differently to protect the injured part, and strengthen every thing else around the injury, otherwise you just aren't going to walk - and if you do, it won't be without significant difficulty and pain.


Really peaked last night. Didn't nuke, though. I just simply could not kiss my W. Every time I tried, I would get hit with images and it was sucking the breath out of me. I just couldn't breathe.

Usually, I can push through and ignore them, but last night I couldn't. It's the first time since this all started that it had affected me that much.

I have heard several analogies to this, for instance "Chucking buckets of sand into a lake."

To me, sometimes it feels like a severe hemorrhage. It's almost like, rather than simply a huge love buster, what happened was a GD bank buster. It's like her account has this gaping hole, and she has to deposit mounds and piles to overcome the leakage.

The only real opposite I really have to overall MB, is that my low balance did not ever cause me to not feel in love, it caused me to not feel loved by her.

The injury is causing me to fight and choose between my love, and my pain. I can overcome the pain with more love, but if I give in to my pain, it will take as long as it takes to recover the M to just recover myself and be able to move on.

I'm hedging my bet on recovery. So far, it looks like a good bet...

I've used that one a number of times. Storms will wash down the island you're building. Waves will take parts with it. You'll go a very, very long time tossing those buckets in, trusting that you're in the right spot and the balance is building.

Then one day, a little bit of sand appears on the surface as you toss that bucket into the lake. You finally breached the surface! You've broken through that Love Bank balance!

But just on the return trip to get more sand, your effort gets washed away. You can't see it anymore, and chances are good the next toss won't breach the surface again because of a change in the current. But you just keep tossing those buckets on there.

Eventually, you build a magnificent island and party together there with your spouse. But you have to keep making those trips back to shore to bring more sand, because time and weather take their toll even if you build seawalls!

Ok, caught up...

Hope you are doing better HHH.

I just wanted to throw one more thing out there. Some people mentioned places being triggers.

There is a town south of us and we used to always drive the same to go down there every couple of weeks for Costco/etc runs. There IS another way thats about the same time, but we never used to take it.

Well, that old route takes us by the place WW and OM first met for SF. There are giant water towers etc there to mark it, you cant miss it, it F*ING KILLS ME, and has ruined a couple trips just going by it.

WW almost always drives. She wants to, and I dont really care if I do or not, so she does. One thing that has been so awesome is SHE now takes the "right" way to town. There have been a couple trips recently where I didnt even notice that we went a different way nor think about why we were.

The times I do notice, I feel much better knowing she is caring for me.

I linked / quoted a couple of the posts from your thread to WW about you exploding on your FWW and some of the Vets responses.

WW expressed to me (in response) that she feels like I feel/think things like that but never tell her, and that she is afraid of what I think/feel, feels like she deserves the worst, and wishes she could be allowed to know.

Unfortunately I have stopped her from leaving the room in the past. I guess I would say I am not "abusive" but thats just self justification and rationalization. Kind of a "well she hasnt had to go to the hospital, so its not bad." Actually, I had to go to the hospital once when she gave me a concussion, but thats another story. Anyway, I may be able to SAY she is safe now, but that doesnt mean anything until trust is earned.

So, thank you to Mulan (or SB? sorry cant remember now who posted it) for those tips on making a discussion FEEL safer.

I can see where the stress level could be reduced by being aware of positioning, allowing WW and I an "escape" route, and being very aware of personal space.

I have never exploded on WW since the A. The way you describe your "outbursts" HHH sounds eerily familiar. I think the worst are my sarcastic "humorous" jibes I dont always catch.

The worst one recently that I still feel bad for was we were in Borders, and I saw a book called "Sex After 50." I laughed and pointed it out to WW. There might be an obvious reason why someone like me would point to that and laugh, but SHE knows that its because her AP is 50 and needed Viagra to fornicate with her and I am "rubbing it in." Of course, she didnt laugh and was very hurt, and the people with us were kinda confused why she seemed that way after the seemingly innocuous comment I had made.

Rookie. My FWW winged me in the butt with a .20-gauge shotgun a few years back! No hospital time necessary, but a few months ago I had a funny zit in the right butt cheek. I picked at it a bit because it felt odd, and out popped a bit of lead shot!

Should have saved it as a memento. I just tossed it in the garbage and shared the story when I got home.

The thing that I find funny about the boiling point, was the way WW's here responded. I suppose it helps me understand my own FWW a little better. I'm still working on anti-nuke strategies.

A tip for depression; vitamin C and Vitamin B6 aka Niacin both have properties which help alleviate depression.

I tend to drink a lot of Rockstar, which is loaded with B vitamins (and caffeine, which I want to avoid) and haven't been drinking them lately. So, I could be down on Niacin leading to my recent depressive state.

Shot in the a$$ by DW... thats one for the grand kids...

HHH, I dont know about the Niacin / B Vitamins things so no comment there, but I DO know that I used to subsist on about a 12 pack of MtDew or Pepsi a day shortly after High School. I lived with a friend and we didnt have running water so we drank soda. Stupid, but I was 17...

Anyway, I join the Navy and go through boot camp and cant figure why I feel so darned AWESOME all day EVERY DAY! IN BOOT CAMP! Till I go home and spend 2 days with this friend again drinking MtDew / Pepsi.

Its water man. At least for me. Caffeine / Sugar in sodas 24/7 just makes me feel like a motor with sand thrown in it. Water is the best thing ever. Carry a half gallon jug with you and try to have it gone by noon, and then TRY finish a second by 7pm or so, but if you dont, dont stress. Three to four quarts a day for a relatively sedentary lifestyle will do WONDERS for just feeling "good."

Another bonus effect is if you ween yourself off all that constant caffeine intake, when you REALLY need a shot of that juice for an overnight drive or something, IT WORKS. Like, hands shaking works.

tl;dr - replace Rockstars / Coffee / sodas with Water, see how that works for you...

Obviously doing some exercise is great too, even if its a brisk walk with DW a few laps around the block.

Yup. Even Gatorade is better than soda. Soda is c-r-u-d. If you ever pay attentions, you will notice that if you are working and sweating, your sweat will be "thicker" if you are a soda drinker.


Main thing I am avoiding is the caffeine, however. The physiology of how caffeine works in your body sucks. It doesn't wake you up, it just keeps you from shutting down.

Vitamins and depression; http://depression.about.com/cs/diet/a/vitamin.htm (I'll do more digging and see if I can find better evidence)