Men that like to work with their hands will pour themselves into projects, like a house, in order to fulfill their own need for admiration.
Take the time to share how much .... You love it that he handles the manly projects..... You love how well he works with his hands..... Meet his EN for admiration, rather than allowing your fears to cause you to possibly avoid him.

He no longer lives in this state. He's off to finish school, and "start a family" with his 22yo GF whom he immediately got pregnant after leaving this town.

One of the things my H does is he'll randomly send me pictures of himself sitting at his desk. If your cell phone can send pictures this may work for you.

If at all possible, a move is highly recommended. We moved out of state and the OW lived in yet another state. We just didn't feel safe since it was easy to find our address and where we lived and she was psycho ~ DH wasn't willing to take any chances with his family so moved us all out of state.

When he first mentioned this I thought he was off his rocker. There was NO WAY I wanted to move ~ we had a house near the beach in an area that took us a very long time to finally get into. All of our family and friends were there.

However, truthfully, it's been incredible for us as a couple and us as a family. It's brought us all closer and solidified that all we've gone through to save this was worth it.

I know it's a huge decision but one that you may not want to rule out. One of my stipulations was that we would lease out our house "just in case". This has made me feel safer in case things didn't pan out the way we had hoped but as of now, we have no plans on ever going back.

That's in the future cards. I look forward to it, actually. It's just not feasible at this moment.

Constant contact and accountability is at play until then. Not a single break or lunch without contact, and I know the work schedule for every day - including when breaks and lunches occur.

Moving is an excellent idea. I would love to move, and we are trying hard to get out of here. My H's OW only lives about 20 miles away, and our area is pretty rural so there aren't a lot of stores. We shop in many of the same places that she does (it's pretty impossible not to). We have run into her in stores on occasion. The last time resulted in her coming to our house to give the baby a Christmas present and calling/emailing my H several times before we had to send yet another NC letter last year.

It really is best if the OM doesn't know where you live.

Our area used to be pretty rural, but in the last decade or so has been booming. Ever since some stupid magazine rated our area as one of the best to live in the US, growth has been huge. Part of me hates the growth, but as one positive it makes it highly unlikely we'd run into OM out shopping or out to eat. Used to be to go anywhere, to shop, eat, whatever, you couldn't stay in our city - had to go into the city where OM lives. That's no longer the case.

Neither DH or I have brought up the idea of moving. Moving has come up on this thread before though and (DJ alert) I sometimes feel like folks think I am being selfish for not being more enthusiastic about it, since it was my fault I had an A and messed up our lives, that I should be willing to do anything, including moving. If DH wanted to, and it was the only condition under which he'd stay married to me - and he would stay married to me and commit to recovering together - then I'd do it. But moving is not going to be any more of a "magic bullet" for us than the polygraph was. I guess I imagine (fear) us moving several states away, finding new schools for the kids, getting new jobs, and then him saying, "Nope, you know what? This didn't work either, I'm done."

Even if we were both enthusiastic about moving, through, it is not a perfect solution - if you really want to find where someone lives, even if it's states away, you generally can. That's the wonder (ha) of our technological age.

All in all the weekend was pretty quiet. I felt a little resentment after I came home for lunch Friday and fulfilled his need for SF, and there was no attempt at reciprocation on his part, even though we did not have the kids again Friday night and Saturday and had the house to ourselves. I enjoy SF and it's one of my top needs, but I think it has more to do with how I've confused sex and love my entire adult life - that for me, it is a substitute for affection. Sometimes though I am having a hard time wanting SF - not b/c I am not attracted to him or anything like that, I'm still very attracted to him - but we go days with no sign of affection and very little attention and then it's all of a sudden BAM! Come home and jump on me! And I never turn him down, I talked with JC about it and she said just to keep reminding myself that it won't be this way forever.

We went out to dinner Friday night and worked together on the porch on Saturday. I sat outside and watched him till he finally started giving me stuff to do, lol. The only other bad spot for me was we were cuddling on the couch Saturday night watching a show we'd DVR'ed, and when the show was over I turned to him and started kissing him, and he pulled away from me, kind of pushed me to the side, and got up quickly. Before anyone asks, I have no idea if something in the show we were watching triggered him.

He kissed me goodbye this morning, and I was still in bed. So there are still positives. I just went home for lunch and saw him briefly but no real time together. Had to update my work email and timelogging password today so I sent him the new one.

Just another day.

I think for some couples, moving is a great plan and often necessary. For others..... not so much.

I really believe your H should be the one to take the lead in this decision, if it would even matters to him.

What Does Dr. Chalmers think about this? I would run it by her for some input, otherwise, I would let the issue rest for now and just focus on your Plan A.

And you're depositing Love Units every time. It's hard to describe, but sexual need builds up over time like an itch that there's only one way to scratch, and each time you do, you're pitching another bucket of sand into the lake, and you're starting to see the results peek above the surface of the lake: breaking the Romantic Love threshold! Or, at least, the Caring love threshold from the Dislike/withdrawal he was in.


A month ago you were saying you'd give anything for these kinds of results. Slow moves.

"Even if we were both enthusiastic about moving, through, it is not a perfect solution - if you really want to find where someone lives, even if it's states away, you generally can. That's the wonder (ha) of our technological age."

The point is that a WW won't/can't be found

rather

the point is that OM will most likely look for fresh meat close to home.

Why get in a car and drive 20 hours, get sex, drive 20 hours to get home?

Not to mention the chances of either one running into the OM only improve with distance.

Baby steps. Patience, you are getting to see small improvements. Don't get overexcited, though. Remember recovery is a roller coaster, and you are going to have drops.

Happens to us all.

OM is out of the picture here. He was the one to move out of state. However, we are still going to move eventually.

New surroundings, new beginning, new memories.

FWW was going on about moving away from family and such, and I kind of staggered her with my response; "Babe, I am completely content to be entirely wrapped up in you."

Family will always be family. KWIM?

WPG, You are getting tiny results, but still...positive ones!

The fact that he came to you to kiss you goodbye while you were still in bed is a great step!

The fact that he gave you little things to do is a great step!

Keep it up, don't lose hope, and try to be happy with the small results you are getting.

We're all pulling for you, and you are constantly in my thoughts and in my prayers!

tst, moving was not something I discussed w/JC in either of our 2 sessions. We discussed NC and ensuring it was in place, and EP's, and moving was not one of them. If DH feels that moving is necessary, I will let him be the one to suggest it.

First, let me thank everyone for the support, and thank you PUP for your prayers - I appreciate everything!

I'm trying to be hopeful with the small things. It is hard because I constantly see him still in so much pain. He rarely smiles these days - but oh, when he does, how his face lights up! I love seeing him happy.

I am still trying to encourage him to talk - not prying or poking at him, but asking how he is doing, is there anything on his mind, etc - and just generally trying to let him know I am here if he wants to talk about anything.

We both have the week off next week, and the kids are in school for the first part of the week, so I am looking forward to some good UA time, or at least the opportunity of having some good UA time!

Here's something on my mind - most of you who've followed my and/or DH's thread know that OMW does not know about the A. Or at least we think she doesn't - if she does, she didn't find out from either of us. I found out in my H's thread (I try not to read it, but sometimes I can't help it - it's like probing a sore tooth) that OMW recently had a baby, and he had backed off of his intent to contact her. After so much time on MB, I do believe that this full exposure is necessary. I've been more than ready to do it for some time. I have waited on DH, as when we discussed the subject before, he was hesitant to expose to her b/c first she was pg, and now she's got a newborn. Since exposure has not been done, I'm wondering if DH thinks I am still protecting OM from the consequences of our actions. If DH exposes to OMW on his own, fine - but I guess what I am wondering is should I continue to wait on DH to expose, or should I just do it on my own? Isn't that part of accepting ownership of what I have done to this woman and her children? Or by me contacting her, is that a violation of NC in any way?

In a "normal" course of events, exposure would have already been done by the BS when the BS was trying to kill the A. Once my DH found out the truth (well, once I confessed to part of the truth), when I was faced with the choice of my DH or the OM, I chose DH and ended the A. Anyway, when the BS exposes, it is not something that needs to be agreed upon and in fact the BS is advised NOT to let the WS know they are exposing. But since DH and I are now over a year from the end of the A and are trying to recover - and I am trying to follow MB principles - is it now something we need to agree to do, and do it together?

If I can do this on my own, then how to do it? Do I write her a letter? I don't think it should be anonymous, that seems cowardly to me. Do I cover the basic facts without delving into too much detail, or how much detail is too much? Do I offer to let her contact me or H? I don't know if she's gone back to work yet after the baby - I thought about sending something certified mail, which requires a signature and return receipt. I'd rather send it to her work because I don't trust the OM not to intercept her mail at home, although he's an idiot so he may be afraid to open something marked "certified mail" or something that looks official if he's not the addressee. Do I include my suspicions that I was not the first or only AP for OM?

I'm not wanting to do this for revenge. I want to put the final nail in the coffin for this A, so to speak. Yes, she deserves to know what a POS she is married to, just like DH deserved to know what a POS I was - but more importantly the reason I want to do this is to help DH. Maybe he needs this to help him heal. Maybe it's part of being O&H and showing him that I take full ownership for what I did.

Although there are no rules for this, IMO, your H needs to be the one to make the contact.

Agree with tst.

Your BH was advised to wait two weeks after OMW gave birth. I think it's now been 3-4 weeks.

IMO it should be done with a phone call. Letters are too easy to intercept and destroy. He needs to *talk* to her, not just leave a message - because again, voice mails are easy to delete.

Thanks...I guess it is partly that I want to do anything and everything I can to prove to my H that I want him and want our M to recover. That even though I do see the small, positive signs, I still feel like nothing I can ever do is enough, KWIM?

Did you see my little post? Need I remind you of "Tommy Boy?"

It seems so applicable here... those little glimpses of hope and happiness get you all revved up, and then.... rawr! You love it to pieces...



Focus on the fact that your goal is to maintain that feeling at all times, and remember that it will take patience and time to create that environment. Those glints of hope are there to remind you of what you are working toward, not to lead you to the false belief that it is happening now.

Chin up!

lol, thanks, HHH! I saw where you'd posted that...DH would get a kick out of the "Tommy Boy" reference!

You should not be the one to initiate contact to OMW.

There's going to be a royal $%#^-storm the moment OM gets wind that his wife knows about the affair. He's going to try to call you, to try to call your husband, and do whatever he can to try and stop the damage.

That call is your husband's to make. And you should make sure your phone numbers have all changed so that OM can't use this as an excuse to rail at YOU about exposure.

For reference, we'd had NC for about a week when I finally got in touch with OMW (two weeks after D-Day). OM called FWW seven times that day, screaming at the top of his lungs. In fact, I often think "wow, that was awesome, do it again OM!" because of what a huge love-buster his incoherent rage was. This, however, made FWW extremely angry, too (she was very much in withdrawal at this stage), and led to a huge storm of love-busting on both sides.

Be ready for it. Be ready to be calm, passive, and allow the storm to circulate around you without aggravating it. Fury and paralyzing fear are very difficult to maintain for long. It will subside.

What you can do is simply to let DH know that if it's something that he feels would help him, then you'd be happy to follow his lead. But beyond that, this is not something that I think a WS/FWS has the standing to take the lead on. (Imagine: "Hey, honey, I've come to the conclusion that because of my A, you need to find another job so that we can move, because, hey, I haven't disrupted your life enough already!") You get my point, WPG? Your job is to express willingness to move, but it's his decision to make. Then, if moving is something he also wants, then you've automatically POJA'd it; but he may be well aware that it'll be no silver bullet for him & may be more trouble in his mind than it's worth.

The "moving" question came up for TWC & me on these boards last January when OW showed up at our church a couple of weeks in a row, and I was getting a little exercised here at MB (more so than I should've) in response to people who were urging that we strongly consider moving. As it happened, we were able to resolve the issue via other means, and there's been no more contact since then. Similar to your case, OP is a dozen or so miles away, and we really don't have occasion to be in that direction very much. As an EP, I flat-out avoid that entire territory unless I'm with my wife. (If OW had turned out to be more of a nutjob than she already was by definition, then we might've had to reconsider as advised.) I wouldn't get hung up on the moving question as long as you've let DH know that moving is on the table if it's of interest to him & that you'd harbor no resentment whatsoever if he were to exercise that option.

Absolutely do NOT do it on your own. No way. Your good intentions may be subverted by apprehensions/anxiety that DH may experience should you have any deliberate contact with that family. No matter how exquisitely you direct & word your message, a contact of this nature is too subject to being misconstrued as an attempt at 2nd-hand contact. Consider this as a nice, clarifying bucket of icewater over your head, WPG. Your job is to make clear to your DH your complete lack of objection to OMW being told. Once you've done that, your job is done unless/until DH decides that he wants to reach out to OMW either by himself or jointly with you.