pengy,

I,too, have been with my husband since I was 16 years old, married at 21. At times I've thought that I've "missed out", but then I look at that beautiful man I'm married to, and I say this even though he cheated on me, and I realize that I didn't miss out on anything.

Like you, we were growing apart, not meeting each other's needs. I just wish we had found this site before his A.

Since doing the MB plan we have gotten so much closer.

The point I am trying to make here is that you have taken a great step by coming here. Now committ yourself to working the program with your H, setting up EPs, doing the questionaires, meeting each other's top needs, and spending AT LEAST 15 hours UA a week.

You can do this, and you CAN fall in love with your H again.

pengy, please listen to the advice you are getting here.

I've been in your shoes. I knew I was going down a slippery slope, as do you.

Let me tell you, as one who continued on down that slippery slope, that the damage you will do to yourself, your H, and your marriage is catastrophic. Every day I see the pain I inflicted on my DH. Every day I face my children, in full knowledge that my marriage may never recover and that I will be the reason their world is ripped apart. Every day I have to look at myself in the mirror, and place the blame for the train wreck that is now my M solely on my shoulders.

You have a chance here to call full stop on this train before it goes any further. Before it jumps the tracks.

I didn't give my DH a chance to fight for our M. Don't make the mistake I made. What I wouldn't give for a chance to turn back time. Do you want to live with those regrets? You will not wake up one day thinking, "Gee, I wish I'd had an A with OM when I had the chance." You will not regret giving your M a chance. You will not regret not having an affair. But you d@mn well WILL REGRET having one.

Pengy--Your situation reminds me of a scene from a Family Guy episode.

In it, Peter is walking up to the house of a man he thinks has gotten Meg pregnant.

He knows what he'd do.

"I JUST want to talk to him. I just want to talk to him." And so on.

Until he gets in and then it's, "I just want to shoot him."

You are heading down this road. You know what will happen. Do not go into that house. Do not tell yourself you will "only talk to him"...because you know that you won't.

Somebody has left the building

Yep. Too close to the truth. pengy, don't throw away the best resource you have.

We should keep a record of how many times we've heard THIS one.

Pengy, glad your here and people are helping you sort this out.

Its interesting when you do the math..Cabbages was right to the point, and look at the date joined, and the post count. Looks like someone who has been around for years, and opened thier ears and mind to listen, more than talk.

I think that you can profit from your own words here. You said you came here to learn how to change the path you felt you were on. So take that road instead.

Ah I read the "finding yourself" thing. Many of us have said that to our mates that we wish, because we want to ahem,"be all that we can be", that we had more experiences. Ask anyone who is honest that sleeps around, after time one is like another, and they are in it from the perspective of thier own mind and what they get out of it. Deserving it, well, sorry, like relationships and anything worth doing or having in life, working for it gives it value. There is no free love either.

Its also true that many times we are telling ou spouses we are not satisfied when we say, "I wish..." (add your own experience) before I was married, in an indirect way. Talking about it is OK but it can be very hurtful to suggest that you are not happy, and the marriage is to blame, and you need freedom to fufill a need. Your H, if he is like me, wants to fufill them for his wife. That will mean much to him, as a matter of fact, it could mean everything to him. Here are two scenerios if I may.

Case 1 --"Honey, I just don't feel attractive anymore, and if you only brought flowers and we went for walks and talked more..." Fair request and well within his doing.

Case 2--- "Honey I need more attention from different people than you give me, When other men look at me it makes me feel good, and I was comparing you to (sum guy) the other day.." Well how can he win that way? He has to read your mind and pre-empt performance before you even ask him. Plus you are telling him you don't like him anyway the way he is, and that you are looking at other men. Most of that scares us to death, we are asked to be witch doctors and sooth sayers and read minds.

Someone said to me once that AIDS ended the "free-love concept". It was funny, (not funny haha, funny strange), that they still thought that sex had anything, everything to do with love. It has close associations with it, the dopamine rush in sex is similar to the dopamine constant while we are in love, but they are not the same, and a desparate act by desparate people many times searching for real love. Its not really strange seeing that most of what we see or hear of SEEMS that it does. Everyone wants to have it all and they think they are missing out if they don't have what they "percieve" others down the street or on TV have.

I am asking you to imagine yourself alone, depending on someone who is like God to you, to show you true confidance and security without fear in being who you are and how to treat others. How would you treat them, what would you tell them? Would you tell them thier personal integrity depends on the way others treated them, or that they were free to make choices that ensured thier life was wholesome and true regardless of others pettiness and selfishness? Think about this.

How much of the freedom you are seeking has been influenced by seeing the grass greener on the other side of the fence,(the boundaries that keep you safe BTW), or just you and your need to change yourself, your marrige, and your confusion in how to do so. I missed it if you already answered this but, is your H ready to explore MB? I am sure that if he gets in with you and works the plan with all it entails, policies, listing ENs, and the soul searching sometimes gut-wrenching work of radical honesty and enthusiastic agreement on POJA that is important in EVERY relationship, that it will be challanging and light up the marrige. It will also change you, and ask yourself, do you have the caho'nes to change? You want excitment? You want to live life on the razors edge? In the words of Rosanne Bahr "Try looking a 40 yr. morgage in the face" In other words, are you a renter or an owner in this marriage, is it yours and do you take ownership and responsibilty for its care? Are you willing to learn how?

How about Janis Joplin.."Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" Beleive me, you have much to lose and this is an opportunity. "The door of adversity swings on the hinges of opportunity",(I think thats the quote, but you get the jist of it).

Im glad you came here, this place is awesome and filled with many good people who have a lot of wisdom and experience, but still know what is important in life. The people we have in it and how we treat them, starting with being honest with ourselves.

To answer the question in your topic in the most basic way, You are experiencing what has drawn many to make grave mistakes and cause themselves pain, shame, and lonliness, temptation to have more, maybe even the worshipped "all" that is constantly sold and we are told we don't have yet. Don't be a sucker, you have a lot, make it work or you will be sorry you didn't

Keep on posting

[t/j]
Lol, I had to laugh Mel. A little bell went off and I heard a MOOOOO! in my head as I remembered seeing Bovine in the pasture..[end t/j]

I was reading more of your thread, and I was gonna post about being married young, and my own experiences in the workplace, and .. what I decided about finding myself. But I really can't sympathize with you, because I took a stand then on sympathy for that kind of crap, and feeling sorry for myself, for my own good and the sake of my integrity and family.

Glove oil made the mistake that I was lucky to avoid, and he is exactly right in how it starts, and how its another addiction. So most of the points are allready covered there.

As far as being married young and missing experieances?, Lol well, you didn't miss anything except how preciuos your marriage is, and that is allways, allways, the real loss, what was right in front of your eyes..

If you want to know what yur missing, read all the stories from those who have experienced broken homes and marriages, the studies about how it effects children, and the emptiness that affairs bring to peoples lives. Thats what your missing in the affair world action.

In the single life? Most are lonly and looking for relationship still, again..Sometimes desparatly sleeping with others to get a quick fix and telling everybody how great it is out of a need to convince themselves its not that bad. Like I said before and many have advised, you missed nothing being single and sleeping around, and that is ussually an excuse to let yourself sleep around now.

What you need is help in your marriage, not "ahem" freedom. Hang around and learn, you still can you know, and that is the real freedom we all can enjoy.

In the marriage world? Read Dr. H and all his tools for marriage and get your H in on the issue. He belongs in it, its his marriage too. Thats what is missing from your life, that passion and devotion. Can you see that yet?

[quote=ConstantProcess
..Cabbages was right to the point, and look at the date joined, and the post count. Looks like someone who has been around for years, and opened thier ears and mind to listen, more than talk.

[/quote]

Pretty much how I am irl too, and actually i joined in the 90s! (had to start new name for lack of posting ;p) I started a thread about being separated and I am losing all desire to work on the m any longer. I am envious of pengy in a way, that she still seems to love her h, and I hope she does not let that die by doing things that will hurt the marriage. Revive it while you can!

me 45, h 46
married 18+ years
separated a month